Life's a Dance-One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

[melweb]

Thanks mleigh. Kind of proud of myself too

I think he has managed to see her anyhow. And I fell for it. This morning he comes to me and says that someone from work has asked him out for drinks, he can put it on company credit card, he'll send me pictures blah blah blah.

I wasn't home when he left but he calls just as I driving in. We chat a bit then he says "Hey, is there any money in checking acct for Uber in case I drink too much? This place is 40 mins away." I say " Not really. I will have to come get you." He says "Ok. I will keep you posted." Now my alarms are ringing ...Looudly!!

So it looks like he did not take an overnight bag, etc, but the bottle of "tylenol" where he hides his Cialis is gone. HMMMM??!!

I guess it does not matter really, does it? I know he is having an A. It still hurt tho. I am such a dummy.

[BrightFuture]

You know, my ex told me he was doing me a favor too, by leaving while I was still young and attractive enough to find someone else.

Same here… My H told me that we both can start new lives while we are still young enough. Well… I guess it is not quite working for him yet…

melweb, good job standing up for youself and telling him that he just cannot do things as he pleases and be disrespectful to you and your kids. Honestly, I don’t care much about OW (maybe a little about her kids though.) Looks like your H lost his ability to understand the boundaries. Wow! He lied, he told you the truth, then he is lying again… I guess whatever it takes to keep his A going… I think deep down he understands that he is doing something wrong. This is why he switched from hiding his A to telling you the “truth”, thinking that it would alleviate his guilt.

melweb, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. You have it tougher than most folks on this board. My H had his Viagra in an aspirin bottle. I remember the feelings when I saw some pills missing from there. Granted it was post DB, when he stayed at the house to paint the newly installed doors (which were installed right before he delivered the BD, so he felt obligated to finish the job, thank goodness for that.) It still hurt like hell.

Breathe and get yourself busy with something. Take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself spin when he gets back home. Good luck.

[bttrfly]

Oh Mel, honey {{{hugs}}}
GREAT job standing up for yourself and your kids!

Mel, only you know what is right for your and your situation. We can all wish you the best, keep you in our prayers and give you the best advice we can, but truly, finding that calm place within will give you the answers you seek.
Easier said than done, I know.
I don't know what I would have done if I had physical evidence while we were still living together. I know I wouldn't have been as dignified as you were, that much I can guarantee. The Italian temper would have gotten the best of me.

If you're open to alternative health options, flower essences are great for this kind of trauma. They've saved my life in the past year, but they are not for everyone. There are also inexpensive white noise machines which sound like the ocean waves and that can sometimes help with sleep.

Right now I think the most important thing is for you to find a way to sleep and keep breathing through this. You don't have to do anything else today. Really basic caring for yourself. Once you have at least a bit of sleep under your belt you'll be able to be a bit more clear.

You are not a dummy! You are a vibrant, loving, loyal spouse who wants her marriage to work. Really take the time to try to figure out what you want, as others have said. I think it was KML who talked about what you would do if you were a grieving widow. That's great advice right there. Forget about your H.. He is in lalaland right now. Take care of yourself and the kids. My guess is the more your focus is on him, the better he likes it and feels like he can keep doing whatever he wants while keeping you dangling. Does he fish, by chance, cuz he's really working it to keep you where he wants you. The kicker: he's probably telling you the truth in each moment. That's how crazy they are.

Our job is to make sure we stay sane amid the crazy. Not. Easy.

So, try to get a bit more sleep and keep the focus squarely on you and the kids to the best of your ability.

xoxoxo
and I'm so sorry you are going through this!

[melweb]

Thank you both so much. This is a trying time, to be sure.

H sent a text last nite around 9-- 'I am going to crash on this girls ( yes, I said a girl. A 26 year old girl to boot, whose boyfriend does not NOT live her)couch and I promise its all good." I do not reply. He texts " Hey?" Then " Don't worry." (Famous last words.) I do not reply, mostly because words failed me , but an hour later I just text 'K (Keep in mind, I do not believe he is even there, but he expects to believe a 26 yr old girl is going to let a 49 year old man sleep in her couch!!)'

H walks in the door around 12:30 am. I'm already in bed but go down stairs and say " You drove? Thought you have been drinking" He says he laid on her couch for a bit, but he had stopped drinking around 6. He was fine so decided to come home and sleep In his own bed. I asked no other questions and went back to bed. To not sleep the rest of the night.

Man! He must really think I fell off that tomato truck. Honestly, I guess I did. I did not think he was telling the truth for one minute, but... But what?? Idk anymore. I guess I stupidly had/have hope. Because he gives it to me or because I see it where isn't? Probably a little bit of both. After he decided, or I decided for him, that he was not going to see her this weekend, he 'picked me.' He could have said 'FU Melweb, I am going to do what I want to do." But he didn't. Other "signs"-- Friday I had beer and pizza alone because his boss called. I was not in kitchen went he went down, so he called me down to have another beer with him. And he still calls me 'hun' or 'babe.' And he has gone from getting an apt in the city to walk to work, to one in this town, to one right here in this development. Doesn't sound like a man who wants to get away from me. Sounds like a man who is, or will be trying to, cake eat. And I know and fully am aware of that. I was trying to be civil for the next two months, be the best Melweb I Could be, so it would be hard to walk away, so he could look back and say "What have I done?" And maybe that won't happen. But at least I took the high road, and can be proud of my actions, or inactions as the case may be.

As I read what I just wrote, I sound totally desperate. Hanging on to every word, sign, clue. I did not think I was doing that. As much!! I really am ok with him leaving in June, as I think its for the best. I believe it is what he needs to do to continue this journey.


So for ME this week:
1) Detatch
2) GAL--going to a line dancing class tomorrow nite
3) I have an IC appt. I already have/had an IC after BD#1, but it was by phone and $125/ hr. Now I will get to go to an office and its covered by insurance. I am not sure if she is pro marriage/ SBT, but I will know after first appointment.
3) Check into flower essences recommended by bttrfly, to get some damn sleep. Anything in particular bttrfly??

Thanks again everyone. I find the support here invaluable. Not sure what I would have done without it these last 6 months.

[kml]

Here's a line to stick in your back pocket and possibly use next time he suggests moving out but getting an apartment in the same complex:
"Oh H, do you really want live where you'll see my new boyfriend coming and going from the apartment?"

And when he says "wait, you have a boyfriend??" Tell him "no, but a good woman like me won't be lonely long. If you're going to date I think I should too".

It seems ridiculous, but most WASs have not considered that what's sauce for the goose could be sauce for the gander. They think you're going to be waiting as Plan B rather than moving on with another man, and the thought of you dating too upsets their fantasy.

(Bear in mind, I'm not suggesting you date...but H doesn't have to know that, right?)

[melweb]

Oh my gosh kml... I totally love that!!

He has actually brought it up several times during this whole sitch. That the thought of me with someone else kills him; that getting an apt here, he doesn't want to know I might be in here "banging" someone else. But he just says he'll have to love with it and its the price to pay.

So far, I let those comments slide with a shrug.

[bttrfly]

Yiuve had a suck so star of Bethlehem is always good for trauma. Honestly if you are drawn to something it is what you need ... Does that make sense? The Bach remedies are more expensive the the FES brand
Xoxoxo

[melweb]

Thanks bttrfly. I will def check into that.

Ok so I may have to eat some crow. It seems H was actually where he said he was. He left receipt out on the counter (on purpose, for me to see?) And there is no Cialis missing.

I might have played a little dirty pool last night. I put on H's favorite jammies. I had no expectations of course, and was not even sure he'd see me in them. But when I went downstairs to make a tea, he was already down there. He chatted a bit and then left. By the time I got back to my room, he had texted "You are very sexy. I hope you know that." I just replied "TY"

At the moment, I am walking a fine line between distancing and engaging. I get accused of being cold and angry when I distance too much for too long, but I don't want to engage too much either, because that makes me feel like what he is doing is ok, and I am enabling this A. Actually, its usually him that tries to engage me... he had to show me some facebook videos last night, then called me into his room to watch a program about Travis Roy-- I know his story and have seen it 100 times, but whatever. And he always pokes his head in to tell me to have a good day as he leaves for work. Again-- not reading anything into this, but actions, not matching the words

I am looking forward to my line dancing class tonite. Should be a blast!!

[TxHubby]

Thanks mleigh. Kind of proud of myself too

I think he has managed to see her anyhow. And I fell for it. This morning he comes to me and says that someone from work has asked him out for drinks, he can put it on company credit card, he'll send me pictures blah blah blah.

I wasn't home when he left but he calls just as I driving in. We chat a bit then he says "Hey, is there any money in checking acct for Uber in case I drink too much? This place is 40 mins away." I say " Not really. I will have to come get you." He says "Ok. I will keep you posted." Now my alarms are ringing ...Looudly!!

So it looks like he did not take an overnight bag, etc, but the bottle of "tylenol" where he hides his Cialis is gone. HMMMM??!!

I guess it does not matter really, does it? I know he is having an A. It still hurt tho. I am such a dummy.

He'll continue treating you badly as long as you allow it. You're worth more than that!!! Don't take that treatment from anyone. Ever.

[Sotto]

Hi Melweb, I think he's cake eating with that comment about finding you sexy (though I'm sure you are lovely of course )

But he's currently having extra-marital sex with someone else and you are thanking him for telling you he finds you sexy.

Truly, you don't need any affirmation from him at this point. You are lovely already. And if he does that again - you may want to consider telling him you find a comment like that inappropriate, given his relations with someone else.

My H seemed keen on us keeping something going soon after BD - and keen to keep seeing OW too. I told him there would never be any sort of romantic R with me, when he was having a R with someone else. I wanted no part of that. Now, you may look at my sitch and see I'm in the final stages of my D, but I have no regrets on what I told him and my self-respect is intact too.

Something to think about anyway. From what you post - my guess is he may well choose to eat more cake if he has the option.

X