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#2638561 - 01/05/16 10:54 AM How to lower libido? Resources for str8 men?
sbrass Offline
Member

Registered: 01/22/11
Posts: 63
Loc: Switzerland
Iím a straight man in a long-term-marriage (30+) with a woman who came out to me and to herself as a lesbian two and a half years ago. I was unready to go on with a low-sex marriage, and it was my shaking of the tree that brought her to come out. So we now have a no-sex marriage. After all, how can she have any desire for me, I am the wrong sex? But she now feels that her many, many years of struggles against her same-sex attractions have now made her asexual. So our marriage vows have explicitly changed, to Ďuntil death do us part, or until one of us meets the new love of our lives, but neither of us is lookingí.
I feel that Iíve been amputated of an important part of me. My sexuality. And I have been. Thatís the reality. Thatís what it costs to make our Mixed Orientation Marriage Ďworkí. I finished two and a half years of therapy yesterday, and Iím off antidepressants. On the one hand, nothing has changed. Thereís no more intimacy, and Iíve given up all hope that there ever will be. I strongly suspect that what passed for passion at the start of our relationship was a desperate hope that hetero sex would take away her desires for sex with other women (albeit, unconscious). So thereís no compromise, and Iím having to accept what I swore I would not and could not accept: a sexless marriage. So part of me is furious that all this time, trauma, therapy, investment of self and money has been to absolutely no avail. Furious with God who led me, who led us both, to this terrible place. Furious with the years and years of unanswered prayers. Prayers that she could change; prayers that I could change, and lose all my natural desires. And the other part of me has to recognise a new strength in the midst of fragility, a resilience, a slightly amazed understanding that Iíve never been seriously tempted to infidelity. My deepest longing is not for sex, but for intimacy, and perhaps we have at least something of that.
There are endless ironies. Thereís so much on the Web about reviving flagging libido, and Iíve been searching - with absolutely no success at all - for ways of reducing my libido. Life would be so much easier if I was as asexual as my wife! Then there's the new female viagra - but it's out of the question for post-menopausal women, like my wife, and even more so for those who have had breast cancer...
May this new year bring each one of us some peace. If not peace in its fullness, enough peace for another year.
So my two specific questions are:
ē Do you have any resources for straight men staying married to lesbians?
ē Do you know of any safe ways of reducing male libido?


Edited by sbrass (01/05/16 10:54 AM)
_________________________
Me: 65, Wife: 67
Married/Together: 34 years!
No children
Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013

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#2638707 - 01/05/16 04:13 PM Re: How to lower libido? Resources for str8 men? [Re: sbrass]
Cadet Offline

Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 10786
Loc: NY
I just got this from the web


How to Lower a Man's Sex Drive
Last Updated: Aug 16, 2013
Male hypersexuality can be a problem, especially if you're single or in a relationship where the other person's libido is at a different level. Dealing with high libido is somewhat complicated, as there is no single cause for it and it can be difficult to determine a solution.

Step 1
Talk to your doctor about the possibility of taking medication. A number of drugs lower libido as a side effect, so they can be useful to you even if you don't need them for their main purpose. Examples include drugs to treat prostate enlargement, antidepressants and hormonal treatment (such as progesterone).

Step 2
Stay away from stimulating films or literature. Anything that is overtly sexual or has strong innuendos will get you in the frame of mind for sex. If you find yourself gravitating toward it, find ways to keep yourself occupied and away from these things. This can be anything from a hobby to taking a class to going out for lunch.

Step 3
Talk to a therapist to see if there's an underlying issue that is causing you to have a high libido. It's also important to determine whether yours is just a case of being hyperactive sexually or if you might be suffering from a sex addiction. Sex addicts don't get any feelings of lasting satisfaction from sex and are always in search of it. If rejected, they can get angry or unusually hurt.

Step 4
Keep yourself busy. The less free time you have, the less chances you will spend time focusing on sex. Also, being on the run all day can make you tired, which will in turn reduce your sex drive. Use your day to pursue your goals and then you won't feel like you're overworking yourself for the wrong reasons.

Step 5
Exercise more. It releases tension and relieves sexual stress. According to a website, a high libido may sometimes be the body's response to not getting enough exercise and looking for ways to cope. Keep yourself moving and take up sports that don't overstimulate your imagination (spending time in a pool or at the beach might not be the best idea) and are challenging but fun.
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29

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#2639098 - 01/06/16 08:52 AM Re: How to lower libido? Resources for str8 men? [Re: Cadet]
sbrass Offline
Member

Registered: 01/22/11
Posts: 63
Loc: Switzerland
Thanks for your reply - but yes, I'd already found this. I have talked to two doctors, and the fact seems to be that there are no safe and reliable medicines specifically to reduce libido/sex drive. And I have talked with my therapist, who can only encourage me to find other outlets, yes, and sport and exercise too.

I don't see my problem as 'hyper-sexuality', though my wife does call me sex-obsessed. But the fact is that we have had no sex at all in well over three years. I guess it might be true to say that I'm highly sexed. I'm 68, and sadly (for me) age has not so far in any way reduced my desire for sex. But I'm not getting any. [u][/u] But for most of us, desire for sex, and the longing to be desired are normal, a normal part of life and of most marriages... but not mine.
_________________________
Me: 65, Wife: 67
Married/Together: 34 years!
No children
Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013

Top
#2639256 - 01/06/16 03:26 PM Re: How to lower libido? Resources for str8 men? [Re: sbrass]
Cadet Offline

Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 10786
Loc: NY
OK

Quick question does your wife have a girlfriend?

Does she have sex with anyone else?

Glad you still have desire, since I am only a
few years younger than you, it is good to know.

Have you read Sex Starved Marriage?
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29

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#2639464 - 01/06/16 09:21 PM Re: How to lower libido? Resources for str8 men? [Re: Cadet]
sbrass Offline
Member

Registered: 01/22/11
Posts: 63
Loc: Switzerland
No, and no. She had one very brief lesbian affair many years ago. Then a long series of passionate friendships that never turned physical, while she fought against what she saw as sinful desires to be resisted, and resist she did. My own amateur psychology reading of her situation is that her long struggles against lesbian desires killed all desire. So she now claims to be perfectly at peace as an asexual.

And yes, I have read the sex-starved marriage, just before she came out, and with real hope that this could help provide a life-changer. I really have tried everything, read all that I could find, scoured the web. I now consider myself as something of a sexless expert on sexuality!
_________________________
Me: 65, Wife: 67
Married/Together: 34 years!
No children
Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013

Top
#2639491 - 01/06/16 10:10 PM Re: How to lower libido? Resources for str8 men? [Re: sbrass]
Cadet Offline

Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 10786
Loc: NY
I am thinking that her being a Lesbian is just an excuse not to have sex with you.

Love is a Choice.

And she is choosing not to Love you.
Am I right here?
Have you communicated your desires to her?
What does she say?

Sounds to me like you might be happy if she gave you a ((((Hug))))
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29

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#2639697 - 01/07/16 09:23 AM Re: How to lower libido? Resources for str8 men? [Re: Cadet]
sbrass Offline
Member

Registered: 01/22/11
Posts: 63
Loc: Switzerland
No, I don't believe that it is an excuse. There may be an element of choice in 'love' but there certainly is not in 'desire'. She's affectionate, caring. She touched me deeply with a birthday card that expressed in print (she's not too good at expressing feelings) how much she appreciates my love and support. But there's no desire. We do cuddle in bed, she likes to do that. But there's absolutely no arousal, nothing sexual. We've been in therapy together, and so yes, she knows very well what I feel and how hard it is for me to be at peace in a sexless marriage. The therapist that we were seeing together suggested to me that my wife's never known desire and love for the same person. She's known desire for other women, but her only experience of lesbian loving was just sex, not a real relationship. So she finds it impossible to know/understand/feel what it is that I am missing. It's not just the sex, it's the intimacy, the total giving and sharing with another.

This passage from the Sex-Starved Marriage hit me over the head when I first read it, and I underlined it:
The Sex-Starved Marriage, by Michelle Weiner Davis, Simon & Schuster, New York, 2004

p.170-171: TRY A LITTLE ACCEPTANCE

'Although I truly hope that you have found something in the suggestions that has been helpful to you in terms of getting through to your spouse, being the realist that I am, I know that itís possible that your situation hasnít changed significantly. I hope this isnít so, but maybe you and your spouse just havenít been able to turn things around and create a more satisfying intimate relationship.

'If not, you have a choice to make, and I see three options. One: you can decide to continue being miserable, resenting your spouse for your differences, continuing to fight, and remaining distant. Two: you can leave or have an affair. You already know what I think about that. Three: you can decide to accept what isnít changeable about your marriage. You can deliberately choose to let go of your ideal notion about your sexual relationship. If your marriage is basically a good one other than your sexual relationship, you can tell yourself, ďI love my spouse. She is a good person. Other than our sexual relationship, our marriage means a lot to me. Iím not going anywhere. I wish things would be different, but I am going to accept him or her the way s/he is. I will not take his or her lack of interest in sex personally. Itís about him or her, not me. From now on, I wonít make sex an issue between us. I will focus on the strengths in our marriage and work hard at letting go of the rest.Ē


'Hard to do? You bet. But itís a viable option nonetheless. Youíre not a wimp for deciding to accept your situation as is; you are making a very valid choice. Marriages are never perfect; even the great ones have their shortcomings. Find other ways of building closeness and connection. Just decide to let go.


'You may think this a strange suggestion coming from someone who believes in the magic of a good sexual relationship, but itís not. I also believe in the magic of marriage. I know how fulfilling a caring, committed relationship can be. I suggest you really think twice before throwing it all away, especially if you have children. Part of the problem has been the lack of sexuality. The other part of the problem has been your reaction to it. Your hurt, anger, frustration, and desperation, while completely understandable, have been taking a toll on your life. Even if nothing ever changes, you can decide to react differently Ė not just your reactions to your spouse, but how you think and feel about your marriage. If you truly believe that your spouseís lack of interest in sex is not about you and may be something s/he would like to change but doesnít feel equipped to do so, it may soften your feelings about things. If you decide to focus on other aspects of your marriage and your life rather than continuing to work overtime on your sexual relationship, it's not a capitulation. Youíre not weak. You are making a conscious choice to accept your life exactly as it is. That can be an extremely admirable choice. Donít let anyone tell you otherwise.

One last thought: sometimes when people truly let go, and they do so in a genuine and loving way, with time, their spouses begin to feel a tingling inside. There I go again, always thinking.'

The fact is that I find it SO hard to let go. To accept what I swore at the start of this process I would never accept: a sexless marriage. It's hard not to see myself as a victim. But I have chosen to stay. That was my free choice.
_________________________
Me: 65, Wife: 67
Married/Together: 34 years!
No children
Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013

Top
#2639700 - 01/07/16 09:39 AM Re: How to lower libido? Resources for str8 men? [Re: sbrass]
Cadet Offline

Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 10786
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: sbrass
The fact is that I find it SO hard to let go.

Well I see this as your goal.

How do you "Let Go"?

What Michelle wrote is so true!
I can't agree with it more and so even though
many of us think we have "tried everything"
there is always more ways to detach. JMHO.
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29

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#2665881 - 03/30/16 07:53 AM Re: How to lower libido? Resources for str8 men? [Re: Cadet]
sbrass Offline
Member

Registered: 01/22/11
Posts: 63
Loc: Switzerland
I'm now just starting a new therapy, EMDR, rapid eye-movement. We'll see if this helps. There are two things that I like so far. The first is that I'm invited to find a safe place, a real space that I know and feel good in, and then, in my mind, to go there at least once a day, and spend some time quiet and safe there. There's a small Protestant (Anglican) chapel 150 yards from where we live, and I know it well and love it. It's dedicated to Saint Michael and All Angels, and there are 99 angels in the windows and in carved wood... It is there that I plan to stay forever, with my ashes in the little garden of memory...

The second thing that I like - but we'll see if it works that way for me - the therapist talks of not un-doing the past (impossible) but archiving, breaking the past's hold on the present.

At our second session, she asked me to read out the form that she'd given me to fill in, to read out what I wanted from this therapy. And I'd written: 'peace and plenitude'. She laughed, and said there's no way that she can give me that, and I said, 'I know, but that's still what I want, what I want to work towards.'
_________________________
Me: 65, Wife: 67
Married/Together: 34 years!
No children
Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013

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