Hi Mia, I guess many of us don't know for sure - MLC or natural end?? However his confusion, and lack of regard for feelings plus OW are trademarks for MLC.
If you think about it - if a mature and grounded guy truly wanted to end a R - he would be able to make a clear decision, handle the process kindly and fairly and wouldn't date until somewhat healed from the break up. That's not your H just now from what you post...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
No it's not...the way he's done things is just unbelievable. Even now he's texting all friendly about mediation. I think it may have thrown him that I had booked an appointment also. Hope so
I can remember feeling that way too Mia. My H told others (who told me) that our R was over whilst telling me he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. I was devastated and couldn't believe our 11 year R could end that way. The more I have been here on the forum and the more I have read, I have come to see that so many WAS/MLCers behave in similar ways. I feel far less affected by things that H does now and I accept that this kind of behaviour happens - particularly during the (usually lengthy) phase of replay.
AJM once posted that if you can see some of his stuff as things that he is trying to do 'for' himself - rather than things he is doing 'to' you - that will help. Because this is all about him right now.
Do take care and try to keep any interactions minimal and civil whilst you are feeling raw.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
As Sotto pointed out, look at his behaviors and not at what he's doing to you. Weed out the emotional stuff and truly look at him as a person...is he confused? Are the things he's doing normal for the person that was living w/you? Is he in a rush to divorce and/or get his hands on money? If you say yes to at least one of these questions...then it very well could be mlc.
As for him being all nice now about mediation...don't be fooled that just because you've set up an appointment he's trying to be nice. When they are usually nice, they are planning to screw you over or have already put the wheels in motion to do so. Be on your p's and q's w/this guy.
BTW, the word "fair" is not in their vocabulary right now. It's all about them to heck w/you and the children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mia, I know that I've mentioned this to you several times, but if you read up on MLC, you will see that your h is doing a lot of what is described in the MLC information. Your postings about your H do hit on MLC.
As Sotto pointed out, if he was a rational person wanting a divorce, the two of you could have work things out in a more normal, civil fashion. You would have known if he was unhappy because we would have told you. Again, if he had been so unhappy w/life, he would have left many, many years ago and you would have been very much aware of that unhappiness.
Do a "google" search on MLC and you will discover that your h is right there on the Mother Ship w/the other pod people.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just had a long chat with an old mutual friend of ours. Even she says crisis, he's behaving appallingly. Absolutely no consideration towards me at all. It's like the man has been taken over by aliens. It's hard to know whether it's the actions of a man just having an affair or one of Mlc so maybe I should just accept he is in crisis and he has gone. I hope one day he regrets this just to demonstrate that he still has some concience and a sole
Whether he is in crisis or just someone who walked away to have an affair, you would use the same techniques that we suggest here, i.e., leave him alone, focus on you and your family and protect your assets/financials. There's nothing you can do to change his course in life right now...he has to that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mmmmm. He's just texted me again, after spending the morning trying to convince me to go with his mediator he's now texted saying he already as mediation in progress regarding child access so who am I going with and what have I booked for. I am guessing he is probably panicking it's about money. Although how he thinks he has got mediation in progress regarding child access when I haven't spoken to them is beyond me
I've now politely asked him to stop texting me about this. That this was an opportunity for me to talk to someone about things and I would let him know when I knew what was discussed.
Sorry for sounding so pathetic and go on about every conversation/ interaction but at the mo I suppose I am about as selfish as my h.....but for different motives. Just want to make sure I'm making the right decisions for me and the kids.
Hi Mia, please don't apologise - we've all been there and I can remember the panic and distress of soon after BD. That will pass, and it does take a little while, but we all seem to get there in our own ways.
In terms of what is best for you and your kids, I don't think you can go too far wrong if you're guided by these principles:
Become knowledgeable about the MLC process - understand what to expect
Work towards detachment (by GAL) and focus on you and the kids as much as you can
Protect you and yours financially and don't trust a MLCer to do the right thing by you all
Remain in touch on a 'civil, neighbourly' basis only and stick to business matters
Pave the way - avoid doing things that could drive him away forever - begging, pleading, poisoning kids, smacking his AP, slashing his tyres etc..
Step back and let him get on with the A, which needs to run it's course
Look after yourself, build your own resilience and recognise this is a long, rocky road
Work towards calmness, peace and patience within yourself - whatever he may be doing
I'm sure there's more, but if you can audit your approach in line with these guiding principles, perhaps that may help?
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
