Feeling lost

[srt]

oops and any tips on how to respond to wife chatting about her looks / make-up etc?

Not sure if she is fishing for a compliment and whether I should give one or not?

[mutatio]

5. W up until now has wanted to iron my work shirts "so I look smart" - do I allow this or refuse to show boundaries (it's actually a great help, but I don't want to allow it if it help her feel "better" about the situation she has created) Thoughts?

I would have no problem with it but this is all about you. What do you want? Your shirts done or not to make your wife feel better? Why do you want to deny your wife? Are you looking to punish her for her actions? What do you want to achieve?

any tips on how to respond to wife chatting about her looks / make-up etc?

I would be authentic. If you like enjoy talking with her continue. If the conversation is not of your liking, excuse yourself and find something more pleasing to you.

[srt]

Thanks for the post, I'm really finding decisions that affect us both a bit of a minefield at the moment. Also sometimes feel a bit paralysed to make a decision unless it is the wrong one or I cannot justify it.

Yesterday was a better day; spent some time cleaning the house and fixing lunch, then went for a walk and caught up with a colleague I've not seen since I was at work. Later one we watched the game and had some beers.

Trying to wake up, get up, attack the days with a PMA and GAL!!!

[srt]

edit above: I meant to say "incase it is the wrong one or I cannot justify it"!!!!!!!!!!!

[srt]

Well I've had 2 days of GAL - spent some time with my brother who is visiting and did some hobbies. Missing my kids like crazy this week and finding it harder than ever. Any tips? - I've done all the tidying, sorting out and fixing I can think of yet still don't seem to feel any "inner confidence" or calm. I'm becoming more and more distressed as time goes on.

Have not had any contact from wife at all this week, going to wait until she initiates - she'll have to bring over the kids anyway at the weekend so that will be an opportunity. She has previously said in MC that she "is done" and "does not want to try at the marriage". However at last session she said she does not want to rush into anything or make any changes to current circumstances. I can only take this as a positive, but finding it very hard to stop building my hopes.

Going to try some validation and repaying compliments if they arise, it's funny because I thought I saw a sparkle in her eye the last few times we were talking. Trying to detach is difficult - I'm now interpreting it as in my head I've not to care what she does or where she goes, her decisions and mistakes are hers to make, BUT also to listen and be interested in what she has to say when we have contact.

[Accuray]

srt, get out an interact with other people as much as you can. Go out with friends if possible, have someone over, talk to someone on the phone. If no one is available go somewhere crowded and if you can't do that, go out and exercise like crazy. Ride a bike, go for a run, etc. Human interaction helps immensely as does exercise.

Acc

[srt]

checking in again, had a week of GAL and holiday time with kids, lots of fun and helped take my mind off things.
Tried to maintain NC i.e. did not initiate and this worked well for me. Not sure if W has twigged yet that if she wants to talk/discuss it must now come from her.
At changeover was "as if" and kids were really showing what a great time they had during hols. She managed to have a dig, saying "you never wanted to do that before" - I couldn't think of what to say to validate this, and couldn't ignore it since it was directly stated, but also didn't want an argument about it. I simply said I couldn't remember that.
Goals for this week are to sort out my goals!
Needing to start taking the DB book seriously and starting to put it into practice. In many ways I feel I've been treading water up to now and slowly sinking, this is despite friends and family saying I am doing all I can do.

[Accuray]

You sound good -- stay strong!

[srt]

Thanks Accuray, I think we all know how encouraging messages of support are, I really appreciate it.

I'm just back from handover of kids, tried to ask to get more time with them through the week, since I only get them a couple of hours in between the weekends.
This did not go down well, wife was angry etc.
I considered leaving (boundaries), but it was at her place and I wanted to try and resolve this since I've been finding it very hard for a long time.

We chatted for a while about it - I tried validating like hell but I'm not sure how much of it she heard. W still mentioned not "belonging" in this area - ie wanting to move to the city, and was also talking about kids in the "future" spending more time with me and less with her (more signs of MLC?). Upsetting to hear but I tried not to let it affect me, just kept saying I wanted what was best for the kids

Not sure if I've messed up a lot of good work or not with this conversation, at least I kept my cool and didn't get angry or take the bait. There were some tears from both of us though. W was visibly upset, and I could tell did not want to talk about it. She also complained about not hearing from us in holidays, I said I could see she had found it tough and she just has to call me (implying that I'm giving her space).

I think I'll continue the NC, and leave talking about access for a few days/a week before I bring it up again.

Wife also said she felt she'd messed things up, and was concerned about what my family think of her. I just tried to validate this again without agreeing/disagreeing or offering advice.

I suggested she could talk about it next time we meet but she declined. I found the whole conversation really tough but also surreal, and was constantly thinking is this the DB way. She didn't really decide anything, emotionally she was all over the place, seeming to regret what she had done, but with no plan or mention at all about a R.

It has saddened me but I know I've got to stay strong and continue to detach.

Any advice or takes on the above greatfully received

[srt]

I should also add - how do I deal with W when she behaves like a petulant teenager?

I in the above situation, something is needing to be discussed and resolved, but her response is to get angry emotional and say stupid stuff rather than face the issue?

Up until now I've only been able to back away and raise it again at another opportunity? In some ways, she gets what she wants from this (cake eating) and I'm not sure how to counter it?

I don't mean this as a me v her thing or winning/losing - just genuinely how do you resolve difficult stuff like this when your spouse behaves like that?