And he goes on and on...leave me alone

[Sotto]

Hi Mia, I don't think you're deluded. Your H is showing running behaviour right now (OW) and would appear to be in replay. He may well be insanely infatuated for a while yet - but I don't believe he is likely to ride off into the sunset with OW. At least the stats would suggest otherwise - fewer than 3% or so of A's end up as successful R's seven years down the line.

However, do note the timescale and don't expect any early turning back to the M. This has to well and truly run it's course and burn itself out. You are best advised to step back, protect, focus on rebuilding your own life and generally keep the road home paved smooth (ie: try and avoid doing detrimental stuff that could effectively close the door on possible R.)

This isn't a short road I'm afraid and it is best to settle in for the duration - accept that he is gone for now and may be gone for a good while. Focus on the many blessings that are in your life work towards being the 'you' that you want to be going forward.

Xx

[job]

Mia,
I agree w/Sotto in the fact that you are not deluded. Your h is in replay and the running behavior is very typical of someone in crisis. The OW is nothing more than a band aid, i.e., a feel good experience. The infatuation is because of the chemicals in the brain that have kicked in because of this new "soulmate" situation. Those chemicals will eventually fade away and then he will settle down. The two of them may or may not stay together and he could very well move on to another woman down the road (some do that).

I want you to know that she's nothing but a crutch to him. The only difference between her and you is that she is someone "new" and/or "different". She's not better than you...after all you have many years of living together and the memories of that life do not lie. The newness will eventually wear off and the responsibilities of life will take over and he'll discover that it's not new any longer. The affair has to burn out slowly and on its own.

For now, continue to live your life as if he may not return. Keep the focus on you and rebuilding your life. Live your life to the fullest and do the things you've always wanted to do, but didn't have the time to do them when he was at home.

Mia, this is not a sprint...but a marathon and you are going to have dips in the road as you run it, but we will be here to help you along the way.

[Mia2003]

Hi when you say don't do anything detrimental to close the door on the r what do you mean. I need to take him to mediation so that he can potentially pay us more, otherwise he won't. He demanded to have the kids this weekend ( my weekend) I said no. Some guidance here please

[job]

Generally it means not to bad mouth him to the children, family and friends which can create a situation whereby when he wakes up, he won't be able to face these people again and will opt not to return because of it. It's bad enough when others see and hear him doing things, but when we add fuel to the mix and spill our guts to family and friends, it will be difficult to return to face the music. Yes, you may have told your family and friends some things, but you need to determine what is acceptable to share and what isn't.

Taking him to mediation is not considered detrimental to closing the door. This is considered taking care of the business side of things and protecting you and your family financially.

Others may have additional opinions on this subject.

[Mia2003]

Thanks. Right this second he can go and jump.....what on earth is he playing at....he left the kids too and he is carrying on as if all is ok whilst he plays house with someone else. Idiot

[Mia2003]

He's behaving like a spoils child

[Sotto]

Hi Mia, unfortunately in MLC replay it is all me, me and more me. He is an adult and he is making poor choices. However, try and understand the MLC process and know that he probably feels compelled to do what he is doing and is pretty much unable to resist it just now. He doesn't have the emotional strength to do so. In time, that will likely change but maybe not for a good while.

I understand your anger and it is best if you can release it away from him and in healthy ways. If you can be detached and non-reactive around him that is best as he probably can't really deal with your anger and emotions right now. See, he can't deal with his own emotions which is why he is running and doing this destructive stuff. Unfortunately, he may come to find he has not found what he seeks and also lost a great deal in the process.

All of this is why it is best to keep the focus on you and try and accept/ observe what is happening. It isn't right - but it 'is' and you can't really do anything for him just now.

The more you can read about MLC and depression, the better and you'll know that him behaving like a spoils child is normal and to be expected in MLC. Equally, it doesn't make him a bad person (though he has nothing good to offer you just now.)

Take care my friend and chin up xx

[Mia2003]

Thanks, just been talking to my sister. She describes him so accurately. She said he's living in cloud cuckoo land. He talks about issues that we had but then doesn't say what they are, instead just said to her ' I don't think getting into them will help Mia or the kids' .....completely batting it away. All he's ever said to me was we didn't talk and didn't do anything together.....not true.....and even if it was that was an easy thing to talk about and resolve...not to say I'm unhappy, I don't love you.....then walk out to start up with another woman!! I think because he says things about 'issues' that we had but doesn't name them puts my mind into overdrive about what did I miss in our marriage. I completely accept that our sex life needed more excitement but I asked him straight about that when this first started and he said that wasn't it. I am clueless.

[job]

Mia,
Sotto is giving you the correct info and MLC is all about "me, me and more me". Right now, he's on cloud nine in euphoria thinking that his life is good, no more responsibilities and he can do whatever he wants. Well...that will change in time because he's got children to support and bills to pay and they won't go away.

MLC is about emotions and when someone is emotional they do not think rationally. That's why it is very important to try to stay calm and not fight w/him. It's best not to question him about anything except subjects that concern the children or finances. The less you poke the bear, the better.

In MLC, they walk away from everything, pets, children, spouse, home, family and old friends and some even change jobs or relocate to start over because they need change.

My former h told me that he might be making the biggest mistake of his life, but he had to do this right now. In other words, he felt compelled to run away and be w/the ow. His life hasn't been all sparkles and unicorns since he left, but that's not my worry these days.

Have you done any reading up on MLC and male depression? If you haven't, now is the time to do it. The more you understand the beast, the better you'll be able to cope w/what is going on in your situation. Have you read the thread I created many years ago concerning MLC vs. Depression? If you haven't, I'll be happy to provide the link. Also, I have a thread on here about a friend who experienced MLC which was very enlightening at the time for me.

Keep the focus on you and what you can control in your life for now. Keep the focus on your children and finances. I know it's difficult not to focus on him, but right now, he's acting like a 15 yr old and you can't rationalize w/someone who is emotional.

Hang in there.

[Sotto]

I think pushing for why will be a cheeseless tunnel for you Sweetie. MLCers generally can't provide coherent reasons for leaving the M. It is best to accept that this isn't really about you or your M, it's about him.

Many MLCers come to associate their unrest with their W or M. Failing to do any mature introspection, they run. In fact they feel pretty much compelled to run - as though they will explode from the pressure if they don't. OW initially provides some temporary highs, but those tend not to last...and then the jury is out. However when OW infatuation is at its height, I believe all you can do is step back and move forward with your own life.