Just reiterating what everyone else is saying. It is his crisis, leave him to it. You are not to blame, so don't absorb that shame and guilt. You don't need that eating at you along with the stress of how his actions have already impacted your life and family.
I find it helpful, every once in awhile, to go back and skim my previous threads. It makes me realize how much I have changed and grown, and how much I will continue to. I know from reading yours that you have grown even more fabulous and strong, as well. Transcend the B.S.!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thank you everyone for your kind messages, they brought tears to my eyes. Last time I was NC I was feeling so much better so I don't understand why I'm like that now! Job I know he is never going to come back, why would he? OW has grown up kids whereas ours are both under ten and requires a lot of attention. If we wanted to go out we'd have to pay for a babysitter, OW doesn't have this problem. I think he has finally found someone who suits him and his lifestyle! What I can't get over is the betrayal. I put him on a pedestal as I thought he was a man of integrity. He left (and this was repeated by his family) his first partner because he didn't love her and was unhappy. I honestly thought that if he was to stop loving me he'd do the same, but no he had to bring into marriage a 3rd person. I know for sure that if I hadn't been told about OW, we would still be together! As my IC said still together but unhappy! I truly thought we were having a rough patch because he still hadn't dealt with his mum's death and because we were doing il the house. Now looking back I can see that it was his guilt about OW! He never really tried to save M, we went to MC but at the time I didn't know that there was OW! We had decided to sale and go for a long vacation with kids (first real one since birth of first child!), and that is why I put up with this unhappiness as I thought it was just as phase and was really looking forward some time together as a family, and I was robbed of that too! A very close friend of mine was saying that since I started dating him, he never really treated me well but didn't want to say anything! I'm struggling as I feel abandoned, let down, taken advantage and once I wasn't good enough for him I was discarded like an old tissue! I know he is no good to me, so why do I still want to hold on to him? Surely I can do better than him. I have travelled more than him, moved from my home country to start a new life (before I met him) in a new country and I earn more than he does! His OW is from our town (born and bred there), as a lower paid job, she is blonde (coloured blond) and I'm a brunette. I have values and put my family first ( maybe not enough from his point of view), so why on earth would he go with someone like her! I know I shouldn't focus on both of them but so far all I can see is that he is happy: leading a single life with a GF, no kids or day to day responsibilities whereas I have to deal with all of that! Even now in his voice you can hear that its tone is happy, more relax and it feels like the guilt has left his body and mind! This has happened since NC! How can they both of them honestly look into a mirror and feel no guilt, no shame? What about consequences? My H hasn't had any so far! That is so unfair! He is looking good for OW as he is seeing his kids a lot and as a woman I'd fall for that kind of man who spend so much time with his kids! It'd tell me that he is a good person. Why couldn't he be like that with me?
Rouky, No one knows what the future holds. He may wake up some day and want to reconcile w/you..but that will be when you ultimately decide whether this is something you want to do. Then again, he may never return, but that's way too far down the path to worry about right now.
It's human nature that we want what we can't get or have. We are like addicts when it comes to our spouses and yes, we become desperate and play the pick me dance and try every which way to convince them that they need to leave the op and come back home. Unfortunately, it doesn't work. People will come out of the woodwork and say all sorts of things about your spouse and it's funny how they all say that they were afraid to say anything to us about it I would take what they way w/a grain of salt because you know what type of relationship that you had w/your spouse/partner.
As for the ow, she's most likely going to be the opposite of you. They generally seek out people beneath them, i.e., status, salary, home upbringing, etc. Of course he's going to sound happy as a pig in mud right now...he's in that "lust" of a new relationship and thinks he's got it all figured out and yes, he's got two women who are "in love" w/him. That just puffs up that old ego for him.
Consequence may come down the pike later on and he may or may not share what happens in his life, but that will be of no concern to you by that time.
Keep the focus on you, find a way to stay positive and keep moving forward. The ow is nothing more than a crutch to his handicap called MLC. Eventually the newness will wear off of that "lust" and reality will set in....be patient, give it time and do not allow them to take up space in your head w/o paying rent!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I really like that last comment :-). It made me chuckle!. Tomorrow is the big day for my niece. IC said that it must be comforting to know that she wants me at her wedding and not OW to which I replied as far as I know OW hasn't been introduced yet and why niece would want to invite a complete stranger on her big day! Kids told me that their dad was picking them up early than I ask! I don't know why I still bother as whatever I do/ ask he doesn't reply or engage. He was the same with his ex, he'd let her do what she wanted and he would tell me that she'd learn from it! Really has he really taken a good look at himself? It's funny that the two mothers of his children hardly spoke to him, but then again there is nothing wrong with him and we are the ones who are in the wrong. This should be a huge red flag for OW that her lover has two exes with children, that he left the first one and cheated on the second one with her! H came very late to pick the kids up and brought them back 30 minutes later! Obviously in a hurry to see OW.
Saw IC today and we talked about H and my separation and she asked me how I see my future. I just replied I didn't know and I'm leaving in the present at the moment. This is a big recognition step of moving forward for me as a couple of weeks ago I'd only think about the past and what I did wrong, what if, if I had done that and so on! We also talked about D and I'm no longer afraid about it. I know it's coming but I don't know when. I won't file as I want H to once in his life (even if it's at my expense and his family)to take responsibility for his actions. He is quick to put the blame on others but himself, not this time. IC said that he might never file, I said at the moment I'm fine with it. She asked me about in the future, I told her that at the moment this isn't a discussion I want to have as the future isn't there yet and that's why it is called future :-).
I'm hoping OW will push him to file as now she will be looking for a return for her investment. She is only 38 and I don't really see her not wanting to get hitched again! H said he doesn't want to get married again. As IC said now I just need to do nothing, sit back and let things unfold with an open mind that he might not come back. I just told her that I was fine with it, and surprisingly I am!. I also asked her to move me from talking about H to me so I can recognise my self worth and love myself so I can meet the right person.
I feel it's the most hopeful post I have ever written since I have join DB about a year ago! Onwards and upwards :-)
I have done it, been to the wedding service and back in one piece and tears. Right now I feel blessed as I have been able to see my niece in her wedding dress before anyone else (apart from her mum, dad, brother and her bridesmaids). I feel so humble to have been able to see this. She is/ was amazing. Went to the venue, was looking and feeling beautiful, spoke to different people and got completely ignored by H! At one point I had to engage with him as I wanted to know at what time he'll bring them back and if he is having them on bank holiday Monday. He said he had to work on that day, I added that I was going somewhere so I needed him to look after the kids. He said fine. That is me mind reading but surely if he had plans with OW, he could have said that he was working and not have the kids! At the be he one of H's cousin was there and was surprised to see me there as H told her that I'd not come and he added to her that I should have come! Honestly It doesn't make sense! He has clearly moved on but still feel the need to have me round!
I knew you could do it! I'm glad you went and saw your niece's wedding take place. I'm sure the family was glad you attended and stayed for a bit.
As for your h, don't "assume" anything when it comes to his comments and/or actions.
Keep in mind, that what doesn't make sense to us...does to them. You can't make rational out of insanity.
I'm glad you went and had a good time...so what else is on your agenda for the weekend?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Good for you Rouky for going to the wedding. It shows just how strong you are to have been able to go and be supportive of your niece. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Don't you love FB? I found out without even looking for it that my SIL ( who said that she'd never want to have something to do with OW) has befriended my H's OW's sister on FB. Now I understand why last week and this week she couldn't look at me in the eyes!
I really really need to get away/ drop the rope from that family of complete dishonest, lying cheaters! Yes it's a free world and people do what they want but why am I bothered about it? I know I was hoping that SIL would support her brother but at the same time make him understand that what he did was wrong!
Other than that, at the wedding there was a presentation of several photos of the bride and the groom, funny enough I appeared on few of them and I overheard H's comments expressing his disapproval that there were none of him!
What a funny, self-centred, disloyal, dishonest family they all are! NC sounds good for all of them!
Good observation Rouky. Walk away from all of them. Your husband threw you out of that family and now you must rebuild your circle. I just poured my heart out to you on my own thread so I won't repeat but I hope that you continue to see things more clearly and can start to find some peace. Take care Rouky
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
