I think after my previous relationship where I didn't do enough and it was a very large contributer to the relationship breakdown that I changed who I was and didn't want to make the same mistakes again.
I think I went to far with this as I was basically caring for my W as a dependent instead of an equal.
It has been hard this week so many ups and downs but I am starting to feel more and more when we speak that right now she has no intentions at all of ever coming back. I know these feelings can change and I may even be reading it all wrong but I really wish I could come to a point where she is not on my mind all the time.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
Today is my first birthday since W left. I am trying hard to DB and have minimal contact so it doesn't throw my emotions up and down like a roller coaster but it is a struggle. W came over today to drop off my daughter so I could have her for my birthday. I happened to be outside when she arrived and met her at the car. We said hello to each other I remained polite light and breezy and she said happy birthday, I said thank you. She then said is it ok if I come in for a while I said yes no problem. So this is where her actions confuse me.
She had a gift and card which where from my daughter but obviously with my daughter being 2 she purchased the gift and card and wrapped it and wanted to be there to see me open it. Then and this is the part that in my head dropped me. She said I only got you the gift because I got my extra commission from work this week and "I will not be able to do this every year"
Clearly suggesting she has absoloutely no intentions of getting back together it took a lot of control not to launch into R questions I just acted as if what she had said didn't affect me but it does. Then when leaving she gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek ,as we hugged and my hands on her back she says that feels good I need a massage I will have to go and get one. Then she leaves.
I know i have just rambled out a heap of things that are probably to much detail and I am looking at the smallest things. I am not hanging on to these small things and they are not controlling me I am simply wondering if anyone has had similar exchanges? Was she just looking for reactions? Is she already that far down the track in her head she thinks she will never come back? She only moved out less then 2 months ago. I just feel her words don't match her actions.
As always any opinions appreciated.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
Keep it up, she realizes you are not grovelling on your hands and knees back to her. and its putting her off. dont let her eat her cake. she must face the reality of what she has done and experience the loneliness herself. dont enable it
Me 41 W 38 S5 S11 S13 M10 T16 03/06 B drop 1, OM found 1 mth in 03/06 Physical Seperation
I am trying my best. The hard part for me is knowing when to keep going with the DBing. Because W keeps bouncing up and down from happy and nice to grumpy and cold I just don't know which way to jump sometimes.
I just don't want her to think that because I am using DB techniques and being happy and appearing as if I am doing fine that she thinks I'm happy being friends . I really want to say to her that I love her and want to stay her husband but that is all. If I can't have that I am not going to settle for friends it will be nothing at all. But I am not going to say that until I feel I have no other options.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
I just dropped my daughter back to my W house and for the first time she answered the door an asked if I was coming in and for the first time I said no I'll keep going thanks and left. She looked genuinely stunned.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
It feels my sitch might be different to a lot of others here as I believe my wife's immaturity changes the dynamics a lot. It's almost as if she is having a mid 20's crisis realizing now we have a child and responsibilities and life isn't all easy that she wanted to check out.
I don't know what cards to play at the moment. We are talking frequently and she finds a reason to contact me most days. I am playing it cool and only responding not pursuing conversations but if I commit to limiting interactions and conversations won't this push her away? Or is that necessary for her to experience loss? I really don't want to end up being a "friend" and I won't allow it but it's hard for me to tell if we are building back up towards fixing the R or if I am just slowly drifting into a friend zone.
I just don't want to slam a door shut and set myself back and push her away.
Any thoughts or experiences I would love to hear.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
The risk of pursuing is much much more dire and detrimental to your situation than the risk of distancing. Therefore, given a situation you are better taking the path of distancing yourself instead of trying to pursue her or pull her closer. This is counter intuitive and why DB is really hard.
You do need to give her space to work through her issues and to come to miss you and what she had with you. If you're ever present, she will keep running and will never need to process her stuff or come to miss you. There is no risk of "slamming the door shut".
Most people's situations would be 1000% improved if they had immediately gone the other direction when their spouse walked away.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I really needed to hear that and keeping heading in the right direction.
Although I am forced to see my W when I get my daughter I think the cracks are starting to appear. The exciting feeling of living in her own in her own place and being in control of her life I believe is starting to take over from the initial excitement. Myself on the other hand things are getting better, I am starting to sleep better and feel better mentally. I am doing my own thing and every interaction I am light and breezy and appear as if I am doing better on my own then when we were together so I guess time will tell.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
Time indeed, and much more time than you would like. If you're able to stick to DB and keep from pursuing her it will normally take six to eighteen months before she will start to re-think things, despite the questioning that you may think she's doing now. Focus on that as your timeline and don't really expect to see anything change before that. In the short term it's just a roller coaster of ups and downs that don't really mean much over the long haul.
If you want other situations on this site, most people are not able to control themselves or can't convince themselves not to pursue, so each time they go "non-DB" they essentially reset the clock and add more time to it. That's why if you "half DB" you can be in limbo forever. Stick to your guns and keep focusing on living a good life for you -- it's your best bet by far.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
