Finding myself and leaving my Wife to her MLC

[job]

Irish,
What a very nice Easter that you and your girls had. I'm sorry that your MIA w didn't acknowledge the day, especially to her girls. But, that's the way some of them are and you, as their dad, did a bang up job of keeping up w/them and their activities over the holiday.

You are a great example of providing a father's unconditional love to his children and being very supportive of them and their activities.

I think you are wise to contact your lawyer tomorrow. I do hope that some action has started to take place for you. I know you would like to get this action completed so that you can continue moving forward w/o having this hanging over your head. Once it's done, you'll discover that your shoulders will feel lighter than they have in quite a while.

I am so glad that you and your girls had a fun packed Easter. That's what life is all about, i.e., sharing and loving and living life to the fullest. The memories that you are making right now are golden and in years to come all of you will look back on them and smile and laugh about them. It's something that can't be repeated again and again for the MIA spouses. Their loss. Such a shame.

[CaliGuy]

Hey Irish

Yeah Easter was strange for me this year. I was never super religious... Times change and so did I with all this. This time last year I was going through my Communion as W and S were there watching .... This year W has fallen off the grid, she evidently took S to mass which I was happy about, though bittersweet. I had football games scheduled and decided to opt out of the Mass as I didn't want to make S go twice

Excuse the ramble, anyways reading your post made me think of a podcast ... I've been hitting them frequently as I continue to do the mirror work. There was a father who went through D and as he tried to keep some normalcy and traditions in place even through the D he had an epiphany, very similar to one I had l. It struck him that throughout the M certain tasks we delegate to our spouses... Just how it works right? You set the table and do the salad and I will grill the meat or whatever .... It struck him that now, in this situation he would have to be "The whole parent" on your case this holds more than true, you not only have to be dad.... But mom too. I think we all do with MLCrs in a sense, not that we are replacing them, trying to stop the relationship with them, but we have a clear mind and are able to tune into the kids and be their rock, we also have to adopt this "whole parent" attitude and embrace it.
Just blabbing out loud... With that we also must be careful not to lose who we are in the process ... Taking care of ourselves and steal some 'us' time when we can

You are doing very well with this... Keep growing

[inpain]

Hi Irish

Sorry it's been a long time since I caught up with your thread, I needed a break from all of it and haven't been on here at all.

I'm sorry your WAW has still not been in touch with your beautiful girls. I hope she sees sense soon and that it isn't too late when she does. There will be an awful lot of bridge building to do. Thank goodness your girls have a loving father who ensures they still feel loved and do all the things they should be doing.

Your Easter sounds wonderful! I've never had toffee made on snow although I've read about it in Little House on the Prairie books which I'm actually reading to my children at the moment! Sadly we hardly ever get snow here so I'm not likely to try it any time soon.

It's too bad that you haven't had a reply to your heartfelt letter, though no surprise. These WASs just don't do feelings and pressure in any shape or form.

Just keep being the amazing dad you are to your girls, they will always remember and treasure it!

[Irish M]

It sounds like you need to move forward and not doing it as any kind of manipulation( which never works)

I hear acceptance and it will still take some time to see where everything lands

Hi Peace , (great name by the way. it is how i feel now. At peace.)
I agree manipulation is not a good thing. Will never work and will only make you feel like a bad person. I am a good person and will always show my girls the way through hard times is communication and understanding. Let things happen because we can't control it. We can control only ourselves.

always good hearing from you.

Easter has catapulted me back several miles .. I so relate to you wanting out of limbo. I think it's fine that u sent he letter and have no expectation and I completely understand the pain. My stbx decided it was prefer to be on a plane than to be nearby to celebrate Easter. I guess all we can do is try to heal. You are such a caring dad ... Your girls and their friends need to see hat not all men will abandon them.

Going to Death Valley Friday

Sorry that Easter has set you back. I sometimes go back too but I feel that I rebound a lot faster now.
I realized not that long ago that my STBXW was controlling me emotionally. That the pain I was feeling was no longer the pain she caused me but the pain she caused my family and girls. I was tired of waiting for her to wake up and reach out to not me but the girls. Then I looked at where I am.

I have my house, my friends, work, pets, my health and most of all my GIRLS. She has none of that and it was her choice and her choice alone. I will not accept anything less than what she was. She is no where close to that now and I will not put my life on hold waiting for her to wake up.

I'm not saying that I woke entertain the idea if it happens and she does reach out.. but It will be on my terms and it will depend on where I am in MY life.

your STBXH on a plane is his problem. You are a bttrfly, you just need to spread your wings a little more... death valley... my dream. Hope it was as magical as you had thought.

I think you are wise to contact your lawyer tomorrow. I do hope that some action has started to take place for you. I know you would like to get this action completed so that you can continue moving forward w/o having this hanging over your head. Once it's done, you'll discover that your shoulders will feel lighter than they have in quite a while.

Hi Job :-)
You are so right. Now that I had accepted it and it needs to happen I feel a lot better. The weight is lifting and I have had people mention it to me.. that I seem alive again.

That marriage is over anyway. Wife the way she was is all but a memory. No regrets and no more hurt. I know my path is forward. So much of it is because of amazing people like you. Helping us and guiding us to the other side of our own tunnel. Thank you so much Job. Your registered date say 00 for the year. So 16 years here and still helping LBS'S like us. You are an amazing soul. God bless

Excuse the ramble, anyways reading your post made me think of a podcast ... I've been hitting them frequently as I continue to do the mirror work.

to be "The whole parent" on your case this holds more than true, you not only have to be dad.... But mom too. I think we all do with MLCrs in a sense, not that we are replacing them, trying to stop the relationship with them, but we have a clear mind and are able to tune into the kids and be their rock, we also have to adopt this "whole parent" attitude and embrace it.

Just blabbing out loud... With that we also must be careful not to lose who we are in the process

Hi Cali. No need to apologize for the ramble and blabbing... lol. Your words are always welcome. You have an above average EQ, yes EQ. So much wisdom and understanding. Your strength has guided me to be the rock I am for my girls. I agree with you 100%. We become the "whole parent". I have always been the whole parent and i believe that is why my girls are with me. I was and am the pillar of the family. thanks for sharing your story Cali. You my friend are an inspiration and no matter how your situation ends, I believe you Cali, still wins.

Sorry it's been a long time since I caught up with your thread, I needed a break from all of it and haven't been on here at all.

i completely understand your reasons. It's not easy reading all these situations. You do what's right for you. I don't want inpain to be in pain anymore.

I'm sorry your WAW has still not been in touch with your beautiful girls. I hope she sees sense soon and that it isn't too late when she does. There will be an awful lot of bridge building to do.

Yes it's sad and i will help her build those bridges if ever she wants it. Our girls will have their mother back, I believe this.

It's too bad that you haven't had a reply to your heartfelt letter, though no surprise.

It's ok. sometimes writing her is for me. Never expecting a response is key. Who knows maybe it gets through and sits there waiting for her to absorbe it fully and when the time comes she will remeber what I have said and it will start a reaction back to her girls.

Just keep being yourself Inpain. You are strong and your H is showing some good signs. Let him do the work and you guide him in.

[inpain]

Hi Irish, lovely to hear from you on your post!

I have my house, my friends, work, pets, my health and most of all my GIRLS. She has none of that and it was her choice and her choice alone. I will not accept anything less than what she was. She is no where close to that now and I will not put my life on hold waiting for her to wake up.

Very well said! You have so much and though it is unfathomable why your W and any WAS could bear to lose all of it, it is, as you say, their choice and I am so happy that you are not putting your life on hold waiting. You sound strong and at peace with your life as it is now and that is so admirable. I hope I can feel like that one day.

Yes it's sad and i will help her build those bridges if ever she wants it. Our girls will have their mother back, I believe this.

I truly hope so Irish, I really do.

[Irish M]

a little update and a story of inside the mind of a MLC.

Brought my D15 to the dentist for her final checkup since getting her braces off before last Christmas. It was also the final payment to be made on the monthly installments. I pay 60% and STBXW pays about 40%. We then claim the charges on our personal insurance.

I am up to date and the secretary has to run after STBXW for her portion. She has 4 months to pay.

The secretary says to me.. " does your ex know that your D15 has had her braces removed last December? she asked me when her braces come off last January."

I tell her "yes of course..." she looks at me and says" your ex seemed upset hearing it from me and said you keep all the news about her D from her." I laugh.

now this secretary is aware of my STBXW absence in my D's lives. She too has a run away H and is dealing with 4 kids of her own. Only difference is her H is a monster and spewing. Mine just disappeared.

I explain to her that i did send a picture to her before the holidays on the day my D15 got the braces removed. Of course no reply from STBXW on this at the time.

I also sent a picture of both D's at Xmas. Clearly 2 big bright smiles and no evidence of braces on my D15. I got a small thank you and at that time my STBXW was showing signs of clarity that lasted a week. Due to the holidays I figure.

The secretary says to me.. maybe she doesn't receive your texts, or she blocks them . She sais my STBXW was sure to be left out of the loop.

I tell the secretary. let's try something. I will text my ex and let her know that the final payment for the braces is April 15th, and I will let her know that her D15 is doing good and enjoying her smile. I send the text.. not even 1 minute later i get a reply.

DO NOT CONTACT ME ANYMORE, EMERGENCIES ONLY. TALK TO YOUR LAWYER.

No thanks for the update on D15. or great the payments are finally finished. or even thanks.

So after her explosion in January after STBXW birthday, i no longer send her updates on the girls. The last thing I sent was the letter saying that if ever she needed help to reconnect with the girls I will be there for her.

It just adds to the MLC mind of not remembering events. She claims to have never had an apartment and losing all her furniture for no payment, forgot what she did and said to the girls, forgot that I sent her updates on the girls. Maybe its her way of blocking her old life out, who knows. She probably doesn't even know herself. As you can see, I am not even going to try to figure that out. I am at a point that I am indifferent to all her claims, lies and being the victim. It's her party, i'm letting her dance it alone.


Irish

[AJM]

Hey Irish. Just a quick note. Yeah, that's par for the course to not remember things that don't revolve around the MLCr. Even years later, it's likely she won't remember. To us, it seems like they are two (or more) people. Not in sync so to speak. To them, they are two (or more) people according to some. If that's the case, it seems logical that some memories are with the other person(s) and they are not their own memory. The mind has a way of protecting itself and MLCrs are boss at that.

That's been my experience anyhow. Don't let that stop you from doing what you need to do for your D's. I wouldn't be surprised if years later your ex will tell anyone that will listen how you never keep her informed and kept her from the kids etc. She's doing it now, but it'll likely be that way later. It's because you sent it to the "other" person

Glad you're doing well and have a good line on the next steps. Keep up the good attitude and work!

AJ

[Irish M]

Hi Aj
good hearing from you. Yes likely she won't remember anything and I don't think I could remind her of anything she did and said. I could film her and she would still say that wasn't her.

Like you said .. the "other" person.

well, I signed the final divorce agreement and it should be official as of June 25 this year. Lucky for me MLC do things so irrational without thought that i had little to no damage to my financials. She did not accept me helping her at a later date to regain her relationship with our Daughters.

So I feel actually good. A huge weight has been lifted and my STBXW has the divorce she wanted and needed to continue her journey. Let's see if the happiness she so wanted will be what she thought. All the destruction she has done. How can anyone be really happy with that.

Someone told me I should have a divorce party. My close friends witnessed who my STBXW has become and they are happy for me. Wanting me to move on.

My path is still finding and loving myself. Loving my D's and being the person I want to be.


to all the lurkers and my friends here, I hope you are all doing well..and if not , I promise you it gets better. Once you see and understand the why, life is beautiful again even if our spouses are not part of it.

Irish

[HaWho]

Laughed out loud at the image of her watching footage of herself and insisting that it was not her. And honestly, it's not! How crazy is that?!? This experience has shown me how amazingly powerful the human mind is. I have seen multiple ages surface out of a 50 year old man's body.

You are fortunate that she was so foggy as to not wreak total devastation on your financials.

And yes, excellent point that no one who causes this level of destruction can ever really be happy. There have to be moments of clarity where you are alone with what you have done. And boy, what does have have to do to band-aid over those? Ouch.

Keep up the amazing job with your daughters. It only takes one solid parent to pull them through and they sure have that!!

[inpain]

Yes likely she won't remember anything and I don't think I could remind her of anything she did and said. I could film her and she would still say that wasn't her.

Like you said .. the "other" person.

Hi Irish, the above did make me laugh, I can must see all of our WAS doing that!

I am so happy to read what a good place you're in. You are an amazing dad and you deserve life to be beautiful again! Like you, I cannot see how anyone can be truly happy after wreaking such destruction to their own family. They must have some way of actually blanking out what they have done, I don't see how else they can live with the guilt!

My path is still finding and loving myself. Loving my D's and being the person I want to be.

This sounds like a great path to be on! You are such an inspiration to me and, I'm sure, many others on here!

hugs, IP