Boy had I wish I found this site 8 months ago, that's when I first had serious suspicions of an A and confronted my W. She said she needed space and was on the verge of moving out, I convinced her to stay and actually started reading the DB book back then but got distracted when things actually started to improve for a short bit.
Time goes on, I try to be the "perfect husband", forced her to counselling and have been pushy and needy. Even showered her with gifts. What I now realize is that's only been pushing her further away from me and closer to him. I had become obsessive with watching her too which didn't help the sich.
2 weeks ago she sad she's moving out at the end of the month for some space, I again confronted her about the A (with more proof but nothing solid) she again denied it says she's not interested in dating and has no desire for sex.
This week I got confirmation the A is real, it was actually a bit of a relief to put all my suspicions behind me. I now know what's really going on.
I've got 1 week left under the same roof then we will be separated. I started getting out this week on my own, holding back on any communication unless necessary and trying to apply the 37 rules. This weekend our child wants us to do things as a family for Easter, so I will muscle through it but will focus my interactions on my child and less so on my W.
The hardest part is thinking and knowing that when she's with the OM. She's definitely in a deep fog and has been trying to convince me to get out - even see other women (she's trying to give me permission as if to justify her own indiscretions).
She talks about a future at times, we've shared some laughs and she often engages in conversation - this gives me some splintering of hope but again it's hard to believe anything from her right now. She says she's not interested in D, wants to keep the family unit together in some shape or form but how exactly she hasn't figured that out (Cake eating?)
She's turned away from her faith, I on the other hand have committed myself to daily prayer as one way to get through this.
Looking for support more then anything, part of me wants to confront one last time with the hard evidence I now have, but part of me thinks that will just push her away further. Early on in our relationship she spoke out harshly against A's.
In all the reading I've done online there seems to be 3 very different approaches which is probably been the most confusing for me - hard to know which one works best as they all claim success:
1) Confront and expose (shake them out of the fog) 2) Love and ignore (Show them what they will leave) 3) Detach and GAL (Give them space to come to their own terms)
Knowing my wife, or at least thinking I know her, she doesn't like to be controlled (control issues from her Childhood) so 3 would probably be the best course of action. It's just hard to sit idly by.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks, DR comes in from Amazon today, read the LRT chapter last night in DB.
I picked up exercising last summer - ironically enough around the time I believe the A was first suspected, and she's been encouraging me to continue it. Also cut back on drinking significantly last fall - for her but for me as well.
I changed jobs in the fall slightly less pay but bigger opportunity and longer term growth potential. I was miserable in my last one and I'm sure that contributed to the driving us apart. I think she saw this as a failure on my part...
So many signs have been there the past 6 months of an A but I was in full on denial, finally I decided to find out the truth as I couldn't live in a constant state of anxiety. The truth hurts but also helps.
I struggle with the interactions with my W, her moods are all over the place, some days she comes to bed and wants to chat, other days she sleeps in the couch in isolation. Even this whole moving out bit I think she's unsure about, it's a temporary thing and she's hesitating to even tell our D, saying only she's going on a biz trip. These things give me a little bit of hope that she's not quite ready to give up everything she has.
I'm generally a nice guy, perhaps part of the problem as she's been treating me like a doormat the last year, but I have a really tough time giving up the simple things, like getting her her cup of coffee in the morning.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
My W is someone with a great deal of pride. one of her BF's recently was subjected to an A by her H. All this makes me think that she would never come clean - she would rather maintain face then ever admit to any wrong doing. I think this is part of what's driving her away, she'd rather leave then openly discuss this. She's drowning in her own guilt and shame.
Perhaps premature but how can I let her know that it would be safe to discuss and that she is loved by me no matter what? Trust is gone between us (me for snooping, and her for the A) so even though I offer reassuring words they are not believed and she probably struggles to see any up for R based on what she saw with her BF.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
There's another thing that's been nagging at me, over a year ago my W started talking about the idea of an Open Marriage, even wanted to experiment within the marriage. Lately she's been talking a lot about polyamory relationships.
How would one read into this? Is this really something she may want or is she caught up in the affair fog and trying to justify her actions after the fact...
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
There's another thing that's been nagging at me, over a year ago my W started talking about the idea of an Open Marriage, even wanted to experiment within the marriage. Lately she's been talking a lot about polyamory relationships.
How would one read into this? Is this really something she may want or is she caught up in the affair fog and trying to justify her actions after the fact...
I'm definitely uneasy about it... the bigger issue I have is that lies and dishonesty are there making it very difficult to trust.
It'd be completely different had it came before the A and not as a reaction to the A. not that I'd accept it but at least we could have a up front honest conversation about it. It could well be that she presented it before the A took place as a way to introduce it and based on my reaction she decided not to push it and go ahead with the A. I don't know how long it's been going on, but it's been at least since last June, possibly longer.
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
BTW for those that have separated - how have you dealt with the "legal/financial" side of things?
W seems to want to play it by ear - not do anything formal, I'm reluctant to push anything and go along with it (as pushing my drive her further away) but at the same time want to protect my interests.
Fortunately she's generally a thrifty spender, other then the odd trip she's been talking about possibly doing when on her own, I think she'd do what's best to preserve as much cash as possible. IF we go the D path I know she wants to do it on our own to save the legal fees (if possible).
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
