V is for Vanilla 28

[rd500]

Hi Vanillia. I think this is a difficult one because anger is an emotion and a response to that emotion

In your case the emotion was felt and ' screaming banshee ' appeared and responded to that emotion. Then the Lady V went into protection mode , you removed H from your life and you are now dealing with a mountain of work , fins and your personal loss of the M ( not H ).

Would anger help here ?? I can t see how it would , the sotch is what it is and needs to be dealt with. Anger might bring temporary relief but I can't see any long term gain. Your feelings re H appear to be level as you have accepted H is who he is and there was never anything that you could do to change that

Sometimes in your posts I feel you accept blame for H and take on responsibility for his actions and even though you realise it wasn't your fault you still can't shift the blame to him. This is understandable though obviously wrong. You loved the man and couldn't ( not wouldn't ) see who he really was We are all guilt of over looking issues that maybe others could clearly see because the emtional connection wasn't there for them

IMHO lack of anger means you are moving forward and are dealing with the pain by letting go. This is a good thing It shows acceptance ,

Just my thoughts Lady V , are you lacking anger for the wrong or right reasons , for me it's the right reasons , I'm sure there is some tiredness and resignation contributing as well but mainly the lack of anger is because of acceptance

Just my thoughts , I'll be looking for others input and your responses

Take care and please remember , your a very valued and important person to a lot of people , in the real world and the Internet world You have nsight and a gentleness that we would all be gifted to have a small percentage of

Hugs and xx Rd

[mutatio]

I now understand your post on my thread. The way I process the experiences I have in regards to "slights" against me has changed in the last year. I now observe the anger and let it go. I try to make the best choice and not let ego get in the way.

I get angry but do not indulge it. I use it as an indicator, process the data and modify my behavior. I'm not sure this is to the point you were trying to make.

[Zues126]

Hi V, thanks for thinking of me. I don't have much time at this moment but will catch up when I can. Very interesting observation. When you say no emotional anger reaction, do you mean just with this relationship ending, or in your life entirely? Talk soon, stay calm

[SunnyB]

Vanilla, I don't get angry much, either. People tell me that I deal with Mr. P with such "grace" and then they all say they couldn't do it, they'd be too angry. I'm just not.

I have put a lot of effort the past couple of years learning to identify and express my emotions. I got way better at it with Mr. P, I'm digging deep with My Nica and getting a lovely response. But anger just hasn't been a part of that.

I'd love to hear what Zues has to say, but please recognize my dear V, that everyone is different, and in particular I feel like men and women are different when it comes to anger. It's good to explore the reasons you haven't felt anger, but in the end, you are you and you just might not be that way.

[Joe46]

V, I am on FB and linked in.

I like what rd said about the anger. I too have moments of anger dealing with the aftermath. I think what helps me now is knowing that
"this too shall pass"! I have learned to let it go and trust that it will get better. I turn it over to my higher power! Then I just do the best I can!

[Painter]

Let me be very clear about the things to which I refer.

I am not talking about anger as feeling, in the Inside Out way of knowing. I can recognise anger this way and I understand when I am feeling the emotion. I know where it comes from. This is no educational issue in so muxh as yes V that is anger.

This isn’t about how I feel, but about my respond. I just have no anger response at all to harms to myself. A very brief all over the place screaming banshee is unmotivated.


And again, we’re not talking about responding to WH and his rants or blame ingredients of me. It goes much deeper than that.

I discovered a post on the Internet that said exactly what I am having difficulties with.

In responding to actions that do real harm. Or responding to words that empower and enable and provoke actions that do real harm. Such words and actions should make us angry. And that anger should cause us to act in response to those harmful actions, or to speak up against those hurtful words.

That doesn’t mean we must act or speak angrily, or that we must act or speak in anger. “In your anger, sin not.” But if we fail to act or to speak, then we are failing to love. That failure may be due to apathy, or to fear, or to a host of other reasons, but sometimes it is due to our corresponding failure to get angry.

You got kids? If not, how about a kid sister or a kid brother? No? Then how about a dog, you got a dog? Or a cat? A spouse? Everybody loves someone or something. I’m going to go with kids here, but if you don’t have kids, just think of your little sister or your cat or whoever it is you love.

Say you see somebody hurting your kids — deliberately, cruelly inflicting harm on them. That will make you angry. Such anger is right and proper and just. You will be angry because you love your kids, and that anger and that love will compel you to act on their behalf — to stop this cruel somebody from harming them.
Now, if you saw this happening and you did not get angry or try to put a stop to this cruelty, what do you suppose the rest of us would think? We wouldn’t be congratulating you on your saintly calm demeanor. Nor would we be admiring you as an exemplar of Christian civility.

No, we would be angry with you over your lack of anger. Then, after we acted in your stead to stop the harm being done to your kids, that anger would compel us to confront you with your evident lack of love for your own children.

None of this changes when the victims of this cruel, deliberate harm are someone other than your blood relations.



I get angry on behalf of others although not on behalf of myself.

V

This is such an interesting post. So a lack of self-love could lead to not standing up to poor treatments from others... Not a groundbreaking observation, for sure, but it just made a coin drop for me in the context of my M and current situation.

I have FOO issues that I have dealt with repeatedly in counseling throughout my life (giving me the illusion that I am on top of them), and this fits neatly into the pattern. I know I tend to believe I'm flawed when others treat me poorly - that there must be a reason why they would do it. I'm a victim of my own strong sense of logic, I guess.

Thank you for posting this! It helped me feel more clear about what's going on, and more accepting.

[Zues126]

V, I've reread your last few posts. I couldn't find a clear question, it looks like you were just curious about my thoughts on these musings.

I'm no anger expert. If anything, I am on the other end of the spectrum. I never knew I was angry. In fact, I was so angry that I disassociated. In my teens I thought I was Mr. Spock, above emotions, detached, and just regarded everything with a scientific curiosity. But just beneath the surface the fires raged, hotter than the sun. In the last few years I've learned to let it burn, and I have learned to be ok with it.

The other night I had an angry outburst with my children. No need to go into details. But I'm sure it made them uncomfortable, and I'm sure XW would shake her head and think "You are scaring the kids, this isn't good for them, they should feel safe", blah, blah, blah. But you know what? I think it's all garbage. I have maybe 2-3 outbursts a year where I get a bit tweaked for 5-10 minutes, my kids might be a bit uncomfortable, but you know what, that's ok once in a while. The world is full of adversity and it's ok to be tough enough to handle a raised voice once in a while. As long as they know they are loved and aren't in danger.

So that's where I live these days, letting my fire out, and managing through it the best I can. Yes, anger has given me a lot of motivation to change.

But is that really the only way? In the example of a kid being bullied, is anger really a requirement to take action? Are the only options to get angry, or to stand around passively like a cow chewing her cud? I don't think so. Take a look at Ghandi. At Buddha. At Jesus. I don't see any of them getting angry at their oppressors, yet they all changed the world. They had compassion, empathy, brotherly love for those around them. Yet they acted out of this love for the love of their understanding of the greater good.

So there you go. I think some anger is fine in moderation, as long as we manage it so we don't hurt those around us. I think it's healthy to be in touch with your feelings so you don't hide the anger, convert it into something else that's easier to identify with at the expense of distorting your own innards. But if you have truly lived a lot of life and simply don't get worked up easily...that's fine too IMHO. Motivation can come from passion just as easily as from anger. I've seen your works on abuse, I've seen you reach out to help others. If you are unmotivated, I wish more people were as unmotivated as you.

If I missed the point you wanted my opinion on please clarify the question, but that's my first reaction. Take care V!

[Painter]

Just got to point out that Jesus was angry quite a bit... He threw some people out of the Temple and even kicked over tables and such, as far as I recall?

[Vanilla]

Zues

The reason I asked you is because I think you have what I refer to as directive anger (white) and the kind which has drive and determination.

For instance the desire to improve and win at pool. On my part it is more than idle curiosity.

I like modelling success, it has created some good shortcuts for me. In this aspect I can spot success. Drive determination and will to succeed.

This isn't whimsy for me. I think in order to recover from my complex PTSD then I may need some of this style. It won't be Zues like more Vanilla style.

I am drifting, as RD says I observe that I take the blame and responsibility for too many things.

It's the serenity prayer that needs fulfillment,

Higher power grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have the courage to do it but not the drive, and the last part has me completely fooled!

V

[Vanilla]

My post from Mu thread

--------------------------
Mu this is how I experience anger.

Clear red anger, as in ready to strike when I am being physically attacked. This is physical and against another, kung-fu fu fighting anger. Such as when a mugger tried to take my handbag, I bit him.

Dark Red explosive spitting anger with tight stomach knots, reactive screaming banshee. Always outwards towards another such as in response to WH ranting at me. Illogical rants and quite childish. 'So there'.

Black storm cloud erring volcanic anger, volatile murderous anger for battle. Depersonalising others. Completely out of control. Attacking. Never had this and always I fear WH is on the edge of it. It always seems to me this is a 'male' style of anti social, personality disordered type of anger.

Pink shimmery glisening anger , constant lower grade blaming the world type of anger, never goes away. WH rails against the world, wrong bacon, apple juice rant, blame blame blame, blame.

Grey-green smooth but sticky passive aggressive, revenge type anger, I will get you before you get me. Sabotaging anger, not really my style but my friend has it. Get you back first type, make your suffer even if you don't know it.

Bile green anger and snot textured, judging others constantly, my mother has this in spades. Getting irritated about who others are. Disliking them for any reason, race, orientation, politics, size, wealth etc etc. WH goes to this big time. Hidden envy? Exclusion.

Bumpy slithery itchy scaly misted glass anger under the skin directed at self. Self harming, blaming, mutilatino, picking scabs, turned inwards anger. Not my style either in general.

White directed clear transparent anger, drive motivation and direction. Get things done and righting wrongs. Get to the gym style, becoming the one only a fool would leave. Get on with it. Winning, Olympic gold. Solid determination.

Light breeze misty directionless slightly irritated with no focus like looking through a glass with no substance. Emptiness. V more afraid although that's not it either. Just nothing. Where I am situated floating, tackling things, can be focused although usually treading water.

I think we need anger for direction.

This is my way of looking at anger Mu. My lack of white anger is holding me back.

V