Claire, I'm late weighing in on this, but I kept my M name. I moved to Miami at 22, was M at 25, so almost no one here even knows my maiden name. Plus it's my kids names.
We haven't talked with D5 yet. I'm trying to channel Betsey right now. .. when D5 came home after being at stbx's for a week, I said, "are you happy to be home?" or something like that. Maybe not the best choice of words.
Got a long email today expressing his concern about my use of that phrase. He wants her to think of both our places as her homes, which he says is a clear contrast to what it was like when he was a kid. (Aha, little nugget that he never felt like his dad's place was his home ).
Yes, of course that's the ideal. He seems to forget that I've been the one encouraging him to , you know, keep some clothes and PJs for her at "their" apartment so she doesn't have to live out of a suitcase every time.
Sooo... channeling Betsey because my first reaction is that he's got a lot of nerve. But I'm trying to take a step back and try responding in a different way.
I could just ignore it, or I could validate his concern. I used to think it made me seem weak when I apologized or validated his feelings... I didn't feel like I got that in return. But I don't need his validation. I know my strength and my worth and so it wouldn't cost me anything to give him that because he is not where I derive my sense of self-worth from.
Hi Claire- I had to weigh in on this one because I am going through something similar.
Since he wants D5 to feel like both places are home - what is his suggested phrasing?
I probably caused a problem in my own situation because my daughters had started simply referring to the locations as "Mommy's house" and "Daddy's house" and that bugged me because I wanted them to feel like they have a home (or homes). So I started emphasizing the term home when we were on the way back from the grocery store and places like that. They must have repeated it to XH because they came back from a visit saying "Daddy says his place is home too". To which I said "That's right - it is your home too". On reflection I think I was making a mountain out of a molehill on that one. Kids don't attribute the same emotional weight to words as we do. And when I was uncomfortable with the use of "house" versus "home" - it was more about my fears for them rather than their not feeling they have a home.
So - I would ask him for his proposed solution, but also point out it probably isn't realistic that you are going to be able to police your phrasing 24/7.
You both raise some interesting points. Kind of fascinating that your XH's are so sensitive about the verbiage. If Mr. Wonderful felt that way, he never told me about that. And honestly, I never paid attention to it.
I guess try and validate to the extent you feel you can and let them be? I am not advocating that either one of you go to bat for their dad. After all... it was THEIR decision to put this ball in motion, and honestly, this is a consequence for that decision.
And if your daughters are like my now D22, they will be the one to set the record straight. When D22 was about 13 or so, she was playing club volleyball (time consuming) and balancing school work with her friends. It was about this time that SHE asked her dad to change the schedule so that she could do it all. Instead of spending the night 2x/week during the week with him, she asked him if she could just come to dinner on those nights. He agreed, and it wasn't too long after this that she asked to scale back to every other weekend.
She did this in front of me, and I had no idea this conversation was going to take place. He pouted and exclaimed, "but my house is your home too!" My ever pragmatic daughter said calmly, "No, Dad. Your house is where I stay when I'm not at home. My home is here, in the neighborhood where my friends are, where I go to school, and where Mom lives."
There was nothing I could say, but I knew her words cut him deeply - they were the truth and not intended to hurt, and there was no way I was going to intervene or defend him or apologize. But afterward, I called him on my cell. Don't know if I ever mentioned to you guys down here, but if Mr. Wonderful lived in his car, we'd still be married. We've always been able to talk when he's in his car (on the bluetooth, of course). It's free of distraction and 99.5% of the time, I get his emotional truth.
He picked up right away and I said, "I'm sad for you. That had to hurt." He got quiet and said, "It did. It was probably the hardest thing I've had to hear since I started this whole thing. I bet you want to tell me I told you so?" I said, "No. It doesn't bring me joy to watch people suffer." I remember him saying, "Hmmm. I think this is one of those horrible consequences you tried to warn me about. Wasn't it?" I said, "Yes. I could see this coming a mile away. You moved 15 miles from us and I knew what I'd be feeling as a girl her age. But it might surprise you that she's never talked to me about this. Ever. It came as a surprise to me too, at least on the timing."
It was a game changer for us as a family. And what I've never told him is that there were many times after this that I told her she needed to make an effort to spend more time with her dad. She'd fight me on it, and then I'd tell her, "I need a break from you. So go."
Home is where the heart is. And right, wrong or indifferent, their actions drew the line in the sand for our children. It's not up to us to make them feel better about it or force the kids to do their bidding. This is a natural consequence.
I'd probably tell my XH if this came up, "Well, home is home to me. And since I have primary physical custody of them, it's home for them too. Pick your battles, because they're going to grow up pretty quickly, and you might not want this conversation to be one they remember down the road."
You're both totally good on this front.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Time is going by so quickly. I saw an old post on FB (you know, when they share things you posted years ago)... my D5 and her little friend four years ago. Seems like such a short time and yet EONS. Time moved so slowly back then, and now it is speeding by.
Having ups and downs lately-- mostly ups, though, so I'm focusing on that. This weekend is meh. I feel like I'm having trouble connecting with others. I don't have plans with my family this weekend (we don't celebrate Easter), and it seems like everyone else is out of town or doing their own family thing. So I'm feeling a little adrift. I have D5 this evening and all day tomorrow and no one to hang out with. I'm a major introvert which means most of the time I'm perfectly content to hang out alone (and actually need and want lots of alone time), but find myself left on the sidelines when I actually want to socialize because I haven't put in the time to keep relationships solid. Plus, my D5 only wants to be with other kids, so even though I'd be fine to spend the time just with her, she would prefer to be around other kids. I totally get that. And I feel terrible that I don't have such a huge social life to offer her. Her dad, on the other hand, has a big circle of friends all with kids her age, and a large family with lots of cousins who spend lots of time together. They get invited away for vacations, weekends, etc.
Something to work on, I guess.
Hope you are well, SunnyB, and the rest of my DB village! Happy Easter to those who are celebrating.
After a very productive and enjoyable day by myself yesterday, I'm finding myself having a really rough time with D5 today. I'm cranky and irritable and impatient and very low energy. I don't know what's going on. I feel sadness and some rage inside and can't seem to shake it. Is it because I didn't get enough sleep? Or just that a holiday brings these feelings of loneliness out, or what? I've felt so off all day. I've kept thinking how much I hate parenting by myself -- how every moment with my daughter is on my own.
He gave her two great days this past Friday and Saturday filled with adventures and playdates with new and old friends. I've done that plenty of times, even though today was kind of a bust -- I guess I have to remember that because I am finding myself totally focusing on the negative at the moment. I have another 30 minutes with her today and want to enjoy it.
Such a negative post on a joyful holiday. It helps so much to know there is a community out here. I'm going to turn this around because there is no logical reason for me to feel so low right now.
How are you feeling now, Claire? Did things turn around for you?
In my opinion, you need to cultivate something with your little D that is just for the two of you. In my house it's books, a few board games, and some tv shows we always love. I'm working on branching it out from there but the truth is, we're a typical busy family. They have to cope with me falling behind on the laundry, complaints about their packed lunches, and being busy with work in a way that they don't have to with him -- and it makes our relationship more intimate. I'm OK with that.
For me, I would probably not have pulled through this experience without my kids as a reason to find my inner Wonder Woman. I appreciate that about them and am enormously grateful to them for being a source of strength. What do you see in your sweet girl that you are grateful for and that you can cultivate between you while still being true to who YOU are? After all, she comes from you, too, and deserves to know you as you are, and not just as the mom of a little tyke.
Hugs to you, Claire. Hope it got better.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks so much MB. This thread is almost over so a couple of updates: 1) D and I have a special Wednesday evening dinner date after a class she takes. 2) just responded to an email from stbx... set a boundary which I'm guessing he will roll his eyes at but I don't care:
When he took D for vacation week in Feb, he "offered" to take her for a full week (not just the week days), mainly because it suited plans he had with his family but I'm sure he thought he was doing it for my benefit. Fast forward to upcoming vacation week, "claire, since I took D for a full weekend in Feb, I thought you would do the same now."
So, generous offers from him come with expectations of payback. Noted. I replied that I was surprised, because I didn't realize that his offer came with an expectation, and that I didn't think that was a precedent we wanted to set. That will bristle him I'm sure.
But since I've already requested a weekend in June, I told him it was ok. And he is hounding me about the summer already. Sigh.
One solution is to change to an alternating weekend schedule rather than our current schedule (we split each weekend in half-- he takes friday night- Sat afternoon, I take sat afternoon - sunday afternoon ; he takes her for dinner Sunday evening and then puts her to bed hwre.
If we switch to alternate weekends, I will finally have sat nights free every other week... nut worry that a whole weekend with D doesn't give me enough recharge time? I'm nervous to start a new routine. Also, on my weekends I would have D from Tuesday - sunday night? That's a lot!
Eager for your thoughts and suggestions. How does every other weekend custody work for you??
Ah, the old unspoken quid pro quo contract... it's super passive aggressive, manipulative and controlling.
Claire, even if you honor his request, I'd call him out on it so it doesn't continue to happen down the road. Let him know that you expect him to go at face value when he requests a week.
I've had every other weekend since the get go. My daughters were 5 and 8 when their dad moved out. And it worked really well. We still honor our schedule for D19 (if you remember, she's got intellectual disabilities). He gets her 2 nights during the week and every other weekend. I pick her up Sunday night after dinner.
I've been at this a long time, and it may seem easy peasy now, but I had to work to get it so that it's where we are. In the beginning, I requested the first Sunday of every month to review the month. It may seem like babysitting, and maybe it is. But the girls needed consistency and I needed the routine. In addition, I needed him to clearly see that the things I had always done (like take off work to go to doctor/dentist appointments, etc) were on that calendar so he could see that without asking for more time, I had the leverage without changing anything. He was reluctant to do that, so it kept our schedule a lot more fair than if I didn't put those commitments in front of him. Of course, work travel was excepted, and emergencies popped up on both sides, and we did what was necessary to scramble.
Let him see how much you already do, Claire. And make it clear that he's her dad and she values their relationship. Who cares if he eye rolls. If it's in your decree, make sure you get what was given to you... it's in your D's best interests to keep her dad engaged, and it will also give you a consistent schedule to make plans too.
We are at the point where it really doesn't bother me if he needs to switch stuff up. My youngest is 19, and we're in a really good place. But it took a long time to get here.
I was an am a fan of having an entire weekend free. It gave me the chance to do things for myself. It still does. And when I pick her up on Sunday nights, she's super excited to come home. Who couldn't like that?
Set that boundary, Claire.
And hugs to you.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
