Tomorrow is the last day of my Divorce support group, happy that I got to know some good people and seems like some friendships to keep for life. We will have a celebration at one of the member's house then we will have a last class.
I should confess that these classes makes me a bit confused, it is designed to move on and look for your new life, and I feel kind of pathetic sometimes for hanging in some impossible love that was lost some time ago.
Even more pathetic because I am divorced and sometimes I can't avoid but think I am in denial. Is that what I am? In denial?
My life is moving as it should. Work, kids, plans, lots and lots to do, church, looking for new job, GAL, new and old friends. Well, I have a life independent of XH.
My heart is still hoping that XH will think about it all and may want to be back with his family. Why my heart is doing this with me, I don't really know. I just feel this way.
About XH:
* Thursday he sent me a message that he was in contact with the kids planning to go to the mountains on saturday.
* Friday another message telling me that he would be picking up the kids on sat 6am.
Me - I said OK thanks and that the pastor at his church asked everyone there to tell the one's that couldn't be there, that they were missed.
Saturday he comes to the house and the kids were kind of lazy and were just waking up. I answer the door and said that he could come in since the kids weren't ready yet.
He comes in and I was making some eggs. He gives me a hug and asked me how I was doing. I said I was fine.
He start talking about his travel to Atlanta. Then he says that he had some trouble with his sales direct over a performance review that he did. That this guy wrote a complain against him to his boss and to the company's human resource.
I was just listening, different for me, because before I always kept making comments. He stopped and asked what was wrong with me. I looked at him and said nothing. That I was just listening.
He apologize for talking too much and bothering me with his stuff. I said he was not bothering me, that I was just listening. But he noticed I was quiet and asked me what was wrong again.
I said that I was just thinking about life, my life. He then said that something good will happen to me, that he knows that things will happen to make me happy.
I asked if he would like some eggs and he accepted. I was going to cook but he said he could do it. We sat by the table and he said that I am a lovely person and that many people loves me.
I said that I am not sure about many people but at least I know that my mom still loves me. Yet, this was a person that spanked me a lot. XH said that the people that love me the most are the ones that did hurt me the most.
I said, yeah, kind of funny. I think I don't want anyone to love anymore, I am sure not going to give my love the same way to anyone anymore.
He said that I always deserved better, that he was a selfish bastard that did not recognize how important I was for him. He said that he had everything and did not value it.
He told me that it took him a very long time to let me go so I would be happy because he knew I was not in love with him anymore. He felt that I did not care to love him anymore and he was feeling that way for a very long time.
I said that we were both thinking the same about each other. That I did care and I still care for him and that I know now that I was important for him but just felt I was not.
He then said that he realize now all the wrong choices he made and that I care for him. He said then that he feels he is not worthy. That he made too many mistakes and wrongs that he does not deserve anything, any value.
I said that he shouldn't think this way. That he is a nice man, and is a child of God. That God died for us all and he forgave us long ago so we are worthy now.
He agreed with me and said that he is working really hard to become a better person. I said that now, I am kind of becoming more selfish. He said that I am not a selfish person and that I shouldn't become one because it finish someone. That it consumed his life and destroyed everything in it.
I walked to the sink and he walked close to me. We were talking about the house being clean, he was all smiles and we hugged. He hugged me strong. He caress his head against my and my neck. Just the way it was long ago.
S18 was there then we kept it short. We then talked about college and S18 graduation. I said that I will need his help, a lot of it it he decides to be a part of it. He did not say anything.
When they were almost leaving, I mention that I found the Starbucks gift cards and he just look at me without saying a thing. Then I said, Oh, OK you don't remember, that's fine. He smiled and said that he remembers more then I think but did not believe I would remember he asked me for it.
He said it sounds good and we need to set a time for our coffee. We did not set a date, it is all in the air. We hugged, he kissed my cheek. Then we hugged again and I said I miss hugging him, he said he miss hugging me too, more then I think.
He left.
S15 did not go with them because he was feeling a little under the weather and his throat was hurting. XH texted him around 10:30am to check if he was feeling a little better.
Then he comes to the house at 6pm to drop off S18. I made some food that I know he likes and I separated it in a small container and when he was here I gave it to him and said that I want him to know that I always cared.
That I understand now that I always did things and worked hard to keep his life good. That this is my way to show love, I go the extra mile to do things for the ones I love. But that I understand that for him I would show that I cared if I would hug and kiss him more. And if I said more times that I loved him with all my heart.
He said that he was very stupid because he realize that now. And then he said with emphases that he was stupid and blind, that now he is just stupid but he is not blind anymore, he understands many things he was oblivious for before. And that I could count on it, that he is working really hard to become a better person.
He came in and I was doing some paperwork. He sat but I did not try to glue on him and in about half an hour he decided to leave. He hugged me, kissed my face and left.
Now my take:
1. Expectations - It's very hard not to have any. I try my best to just live the moment. The hard part is that he always talk about our R and maybe I am wrong, but I end up talking about too.
2. Love - I think he can tell I still love him. I think that my behavior shows him that I still love him. So, not sure what to do about it.
3. Patience - Doing a lot better about this one. I am not rushing on things anymore. I do not feel that I need to have anything tomorrow. So kind got a lot better on my baby steps.
4. Mysterious - I talk about some normal stuff, but I always feel he wants to know what I am doing, what is going on in my life. I kind of don;t give too much info.
5. Distance - with XH it is not an easy thing to be distant. I keep some but when the hug thing happen, then I feel that maybe it is OK since his biggest issue is that I stopped hugging and kissing him and he felt I did not love him anymore.
So, I am pretty confused. Sometimes I can see that he is flirting with me. I GOT THE SMILE. You know when you get that smile? The one that you did not get for a long time? I got it today. He was flirting.
He says many things that makes me understand he is moving towards me, or around me. That he says all these things to me because he wants me to understand that he actually never stop loving me.
But... I have this fear of reading too much into it. That he is saying all these things just because it was and it is no longer. Maybe he just needs to talk about it.
I don't know what to do now. The whole DB at first was painful, hard, but it was easier. Now, I do not know if I show my caring to him, if I give him more room to be around. Or if I still keep my limited contact, if he is around then I go to my room and avoid talking about our issues.
I am afraid to believe he is coming forward in his baby steps and then get hurt again if it never happen and I am afraid I keep my super distance and send a message that he was right and that I really don't want him.
You see, with us it is a story of betrayal, so I do not trust him the same way anymore. But, it is also a story of him not feeling loved, and I know I did what he says I did.
I think I need some help here. Like the coffee thing. I brought up the subject and he said he wants to do it, but did not say when. So, do I text him and ask when he wants to have the bloody coffee. Or after my comment it is better to just wait for him to initiate.
One thing that bothers me is that all our interactions happen because he needs to come to the house to pick up the kids.
I wish that he was kind of pursuing me, but he is not. It is always a little time when he is waiting for the kids to get ready. So, is he doing this just because he needs to come around anyway?
He is not going out of his way to talk to me.
Do you think that after this conversation we had today, that I need to kind of disappear for awhile? I sure feel like. For me it feels better if I can just hide somewhere. But is that help or hurt my cause?
It's so hard right now. I just don't know what to do anymore.
And if you say, just continue your life. Well, that part I know and I am doing. I won's stop my own life because of my sitch. It is what to do in relation to XH that I need your help.
Hi Anjo. Your post is tough to read because you have all the answer but they are not sasy ones
Number one is patience , this will not be quick Number two is patience , this will not be quick. Number three is patience , this will not be quick
Number four is you have to be open but not pursuing, imho you are a bit to free with the hugs. Etc. I understand , I hugged my W yesterday and I don't want her back so I see how tempting it must be
Things are going well even though it does not feel like it to you.
Number 5 is patience , this will not be quick
You were M for a long time and it hit a crisis. Give it time and continue to be fantastic person you are. The journey is tough but worth it
Hey Pink, sounds like a positive interaction with your XH. I would say - remember that you are aiming for 'just friends' for a while here. Anything more than that at this point is too soon IMHO. Maybe tell yourself - just friends for 3 months - and I won't consider any more until that point - then I'll review.
Also, as for the coffee - just let that one float. You came forward with the loyalty card. Let that go now and if he wants a coffee, he'll ask for sure. But let things move forward at a slow pace.
Great that the D group worked well. Try to see it as a healing experience whatever the future holds. Healing and moving on from what has happened needn't mean closing the door on possible future R.
Sounds like you have lots going on in your life. Keep focusing on all of that stuff and make a little room for XH now and again.
You're doing really well Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You've gotten some wonderful advice. For now, dig deeper for patience and just be friends. You have to start at the beginning and work your way back up to a new relationship. Both of you have grown and yes changed a lot. He has to feel comfortable in his "new" skin before he can do anything else.
I think the conversation went very well. He's still learning about himself and it's going to take time, i.e., lots of time. Here's a question for you to think about...would you tell someone that you had just met that you loved them? I don't think you would. Give the warming up period a lot of time and you won't regret it. Allow him to continue to come to you. As I say, drop the kibbles and allow him to gobble them up.
Patience, patience and more patience for now. Try to keep the focus on you and your children and again, allow him to come to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi there, I am so hopeless for the past two weeks, I don't even know how to post it anymore.
After dumping so much: I regret, made a mistake, I know what I did to my family, to you, now I am not blind and I can see I was a jerk to you for many years, I miss you, miss talking to you, and all bunch of BS... then XH gives me a cold shoulder.
After that weekend, when I actually tough he was being very sincere, he then backs off totally. Then he texts me about the kids. Always some idiot things in my opinion since I have the big teenagers and they are not in any sense like 5 years old anymore.
Last friday there was a snow storm and XH was late. He calls me in the morning and I did not answer, he then leaves a msg apologizing for getting late and so. At 4:39 pm, when I was getting ready to go to a concert with a friend, I got a msg from XH with another apology for his morning tardiness and that he hoped I was feeling better (I was very sick with a flu at the beginning of the week, what by the way he did nothing about it, just wished me to feel better).
Maybe he wanted me to think about him since it was friday evening and he knows I have been going out with friends, and then he was right because it gets in my head. Maybe he is just a crazy idiot.
Either way, it just makes me sad his whole behavior. And I think I am not his toy anymore. He dumps so much on my brain and then pulls off like a coward.
I have been reading more about the MLC stuff and I still see how XH fits in every aspect of it. I kind of hold my respect for that, but in the same time I think I am really getting the fact that we are two strangers right now.
I did not like what he did this last time around, I do not like his lack of responsibility with the boys, I do not like to see his selfishness, I do not like that he pretends he cares about me, I do not like I fell for his stupid words and got my hopes high that maybe he was admitting that we never actually gave a chance for our M.
So, I don't like many things and I was again crying my heart out because I was hurting.
Did some deep thinking about it, sat quietly in my inner chair and talked to my God. I found I am not really missing the H I had anymore. That H was a person I did not want either. Being honest with myself, I was the one that asked for the D in the first place, I was the one that got tired of H's behavior and gave up on the M. This made it all easier for him to justify his stupid A and I guess that's why his A did not impact me as much as I thought it would. The A was just a mask.
What is still hurting inside of my heart is my dream. The idea of a family, of growing old together, the idea I built in my mind that we would get our kids in their way in life and then have some quality time to hold hands, go places together and enjoy each others company.
I feel robbed from that dream. I worked hard raising kids, saving to buy a house, to built some stability for our family. And then when we were so close to taste some life for just the two of us, he checked out just like that.
So, what is hurting is the dream I kept inside my heart. It is the idea we would reach a phase in our M that we could be happy just for the two of us.
I was robbed of my dream and I keep refusing to just accept that it is no longer possible.
Well, this time, when I fell from the clouds of my dreams again, I just realized that XH is really done with me. No matter how many times he says he regrets what he did or a million other things that may seem like he would give it a try again, I believe he is out there looking after himself and himself only.
I don't know if I am giving up at all. I really don't know if I have what it takes to keep faith that there is still a possibility of reconciliation. I don't know if I want or if I don't.
I don't know if I still love him or not anymore. I tough I would always know it, but now I feel confused about my own feelings.
So, I decided to look more and more into my own life and I wrote to a career coach. Yesterday I got an answer that he can work with me and he feels he can help me in many ways. Today, I need to move my A**and set up my three sessions and look into changing my life.
Maybe it won't change overnight, but I want to start somewhere and give myself a chance to feel better about my own self.
XH built up his life while I was his back bone, the strong string that kept life together so the "provider" could afford to built his career. This is a huge wound inside of me. That XH used me to get where he is, making all kinds of plans that when he was done, the kids would be older and then would be my turn to do something for myself.
Silly me to believe in that bastard.
Now, I decide to stop feeling sorry for myself, face that I wasted my time believing in a liar and move on with what I can change in my life, for myself.
I know you will read this and feel the anger between lines. Yes, it is there. Anger, resentment, pain, hate... all the good feelings to make this Sicilian blood to move on.
I guess I am who and what I am and all those bad feelings give me the strength to move. Right now, I feel I need to use them to my benefit, they will help me to take XH from my life once for all and also pursue a new life for myself.
Unfortunately for me, it all sounds good but I can't just take the idiot from my life just like a light switch. S18 is graduating from HS and going to college, so lots of details there.
I wrote an extensive email to XH with dental and eye doctor's appointment reports from the kids. Also, put a long list of important dates that are coming for S18 and S15.
Listed a lot of plans for graduation, from invitations to party and asked him to give any input, observation, or if he wants something else to let me know.
At the end I wrote that he can text me, email or if he wants to discuss anything in more detail that we could go for that coffee.
No answer whatsoever, nothing. It's like he never got the email.
I also wrote at the end, that I would like to go to a Christian Concert called "The Bible Tour" and asked if he would like to go with me.
Nothing, not a word about it.
Yesterday, after I set up a meeting with the college counselor to discuss residency, meals, etc for friday afternoon, I texted XH to let him know and asked if he would like to join us or not.
He then texted me back at the end of the day that he would like to participate but had some questions. I texted back asking Like what? He asked me if he could call me. I said yes. He calls and he wants to know if it would be a good idea for him to go.
What? I just said that it was good for his son. That financially it may hurt him since we both need to state our incomes, but the other option would be to just say the father is out of the picture. He said he wants to go anyway.
Then, as the problem solver that I am. I asked about the logistics of how to get to the college and what makes sense if we are all going to the same place.
I asked how he would like to do this and he said whatever is easier for us. I then laid if all there, that S21 drives me to school and then picks up S15 and I go with XH and S18 to the college, in XH's car.
Well, as I always did, I took the decision, resolved the logistics... solved the issue.
Why did I do that??? It is not my place to resolve anything anymore. I could just say, see you at the meeting and let things fall whatever they do.
My life is not with him anymore. I need to plan my life, my things, my meetings and never count on him for anything, much less tell him about plans that include me getting a ride with him.
What is wrong with me? I am such a dummy, stupid person that controls everything around me.
So now, I am thinking to just text him and say that I changed my mind and will pick up S18 from school and meet him at the college. I don't really care what he will think about. He can think I am bloody insane and it does not matter for me.
What really matters is that I put myself in a vulnerable place to be. He is driving and I am there showing myself, imposing myself into his life again. I feel very pathetic.
I did not text yet, I will think a little more how to say this to him that I just changed my mind and do not want to be around him.
I know you guys said to have patience. I just feel that I need to really forget his existence or I won't be able to move on.
So, that is it, I guess I am not DBing anymore. At least I do not care of what he thinks or not about me anymore. I finally look at the mirror and see that I am divorced and it is time to face that he divorced me to bee away from me.
Pink, They reach out to us and become a bit friendly and when they sense that they've gotten too close, they back off, disappear and sometimes do not respond to texts, calls, etc. for quite some time. Notice how when you were distancing, he pursued you and when you started showing him just a wee bit of attention, he backed off...it's the distance/pursuit dance.
I know you are frustrated and you need to stop beating yourself up for doing things for him. I don't think I would change my plans. I would go ahead and plan to do the meet up w/the college counselor w/your h.
As for him showing you a lot of empathy when you were down and out w/the flu...I'm not surprised he didn't do anything for you and just wished that you feel better. This is typical MLC behavior.
Your h is very much still in MLC and he has had some moments of clarity. In other words, he's not completely baked and it's going to be a while before he's ready to come out of the MLC oven.
Pink, you've got to detach and leave him to himself for a while. If he contacts you, be civil, but not chatty. Leave him guessing as to what you are doing w/your life as he is not a part of it right now. You have to live your life as if he is never coming back. When he comes close, don't take his bait, i.e., don't pursue. Continue as you have been doing before the last couple of weeks. You can't rely on him at this time and keep those expectations at zero at all times.
You are a strong, independent woman and no matter what happens, you are going to be fine. I'm sorry you've been having a rough couple of weeks...but spring is here and it's a sign of new beginnings for everyone.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Pink, don't give up! Go to the college together as a family, keep it light and breezy, and see how it goes!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
So, regarding riding in his car for the college meeting, I will leave things as planned and just be friendly, what is not very hard since S18 will be with us. Besides, he will probably talk my ears off as he often does after he does not talk to me for awhile.
I just got an email from XH. Amazing, but it often happen. When I finally get the time to post here, then almost in the same time I get a communication from XH. Maybe I should post more often? Just kidding, LOL.
Yes Job, you are right and I can see that XH is still in the tunnel. You described it really well. It seems that he realize how vulnerable he gets when in front of me and then he needs to hide himself again.
Last time he said a lot and exposed too much of his feelings and I believe he does feel them and do not want to feel them again. Besides, I have no idea if he is talking to that scam bag from France. I know he is not meeting her, that is for sure. He is not traveling much and when he does it is for 2 or 3 days. Just local. He told me many times I should believe that he has no one in his life and that he is working on becoming a better person because he was a jerk to me.
Not sure anymore of what that means, but again he is in his crazy ride and only God knows what he is doing.
I confess that I was always afraid to let go. Some kind of fear to just stop loving him and then he will finally open that door to me and I will be so disconnect that I don't want it anymore.
I know that it does not make any sense, but that is the way I have been feeling during my journey. It's fear of not loving anymore. Does that makes any sense to you?
My decision is taken and I am praying that somehow I will change my life around again. I really love traveling and I think I will work to invest in my traveling again. The world was always my curiosity and I have been in many places before. I guess it would be a good idea to just let my wild soul to see the wonders of this world.
By the way, XH never stops the contact. Most is by text, like I said, always something irrelevant about the kids, or more then one wishing me get well, one BS after another he is always making himself present, if you know what I mean.
Like I said, I was posting and he sent me an email Thank me a million times for all what I do for "our sons" (I actually hate that he writes like this, our sons). Maybe his delay is just feeling ashamed because he doesn't do crap about them.
Anyway, he said something about every topic. Good boy, he read his homework. Then he says that he respectfully decline the concert. Talks about graduation invitations and then says that he still would like to meet for a coffee. Only now he sat some dates for me to choose, even give some idea of his traveling schedule.
His first date is thursday or friday next week. He knows that I know thursday is his church day. So, if I know him, he is looking into friday. He also knows that is the way I will think about this. I am thinking to set up for april 1st. Well, it is a fools day anyway, so I will be in the right date meeting with XH.
Sometimes I just feel like asking him to go to HELL once and for all, but then I remember that it is my specialty, to run away when feeling some rejection. I really need to get rid of this awful feeling.
I need to feel like I am doing him a favor to set some time out of my way to meet him and let him enjoy my presence. I am trying my best to see things this way, but I still struggle thinking that it will be a burden to him to share some time of his life with me.
I guess I am facing it a little better because I know he can just ignore me at all and if he is willing to say he wants to go out for a coffee it is because I am not such a burden.
God, I sound like such a freak, I probably am a freak.I actually post a picture post divorce on my facebook yesterday and got a ton of comments, not just likes. Everybody said that I look really good. Treating my confidence a little bit.
The 2 years mark for the my BD is july 26. I guess I was trying to see horns on a cats head when I tough XH was getting out of his menopause. He has ways to go... and I have a life to live in the meantime.
If I fall out of love, then be it. I am tired of holding my pain. I feel that I deserve to live a little before I go home with my creator.
Thanks job, you are my salvation.
And by the way, when I am not posting, I am still reading some threads to learn stuff. I am almost done with Raine. Do you know anyone that divorced their MLCer and then got back together? It is a tough journey and I guess most people just go in separate ways, but if you remember, I would like to read it.
Pink, you know me, always the optimist. I think XH is DBing you.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
