NYGal, your W is like my xh, except for the being sorry part. Every time I go dim enough or am going to drop the rope, he reels me back in by saying or doing things that make me spin.
To give your W the benefit of the doubt, she sounds like she loves you more than my xh has ever loved me. If he ever loved me, that is. And you two really sound like you had a great relationship before this. Which is a strong plus point.
I can't remember if you have ever told her that you love her but you won't be in an open M? This is one way of showing W the road home. And while you shouldnt cling or pursue, that's not to say that you shouldnt accept her invites.
As and when you do, you must act as if. As if you know that you're going to be fine whatever the outcome of your sitch. As if life is so great that it will be W's loss if she chooses OW. Show W what she's missing out on if she chooses the OW.
And you must learn to reign in your expectations or the urge to pressure her into making a choice. This is what your interactions with W should be for- purely to show her that you are a better option than the OW. Not to pressure her. Because she will run away. With the knowledge that you are still at square 1 waiting for her. And she will not have the impetus to want to go back to you.
You have to be light and breezy. Be the OW of the OW.Flirt if you are strong enough to but then hold back a little like you're not sure if you want to take this further with W. You must start to feel in control.
Your W doesnt seem to be at the stage where she's really sorry for what she's done because from what I have read, this is when the WAS snap out and start doing things to repair the R.
Heck, in my sitch, for the 2nd failed R, my xh was the one who stated that he would have to end the R with the TP. Of course he couldnt carry it through and the pre-db me couldnt stfu.
So NYGal, what they are saying is true. The WAS have to get onto the pave leading to home. Even if we force them onto the path, they'll still have to walk that journey.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Hi NYG, the only problem is in this statement above. You can't is the answer. Pressure brings opposite outcomes to the desired results. Scared squirrels scurry.
I think what you are doing WRT your W is fine and I think things are going just as they should. From your end, I would focus on what you can do to build patience and live your life, letting things unfold for now. I also think your current level of need is something to think about, and painter offers some useful advice here.
Keep moving forward, you're doing well xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
W called again yesterday morning. We spoke for over an hour.
She said she's not with the ow anymore. Said she felt a lot of pressure from her to break up w me -- but quickly added that she's not blaming ow. Said how sorry she is, was very down on herself. I mostly listened, did some validating. She talked about how much she is enjoying understanding how the house and garden "work". (I used to do it all. Bad NYGal.) And that made her realize again all I did for us. She asked if I'm seeing anyone. I said, well, I'm spending time with someone, but we're not exactly dating. (That's true, btw.) She said people tell her I could never forgive her, and she's afraid of that. I said, and she agreed, that we're the only ones who know our relationship, and we each know the other better than anyone else. I also said, we'd have to work on the trust issue. I'd need to know ow is gone, that you're over ow, and there would be complete transparency for both of us. She said, yes, I know.
Then there were some texts. W: I feel like crying. Me: I'm sorry. W: It's not your fault. I've blown every opportunity I've ever had in my life. Me: What would make you feel better? W: our dogs. (So I sent a cute video of one of them and it made her laugh.) With reference to me defending her on twitter about a job-related issue: W: Thanks for being my friend. (Not sure I liked that so much -- I don't want to be just friends -- but I didn't respond.) Next text: W: You know I'm not ready to promise you anything yet, correct? And I assume the same thing regarding you. Me: Yes, I know, and I understand why you feel that way. I'm not ready to make any promises yet either.
Another call from her later. W: Should I even consider that we could get back together? Me: Yes, let's take it slowly and see what happens. W: I'm a cheater and I don't know why I did it. Me: I don't want to ever be with a cheater again, and I don't want this to ever happen do me again. W: I know. I still have to work on myself and understand why this happened.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Take a note from Uphill's sitch where he started to have these talks with XF and she scurried back up the tree.
Try to limit the R talks. Focus on the other parts, ie the dogs. Spring is coming etc. Your hobbies. Rebuild that friendship and very slowly allow the walls to come down.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Thorns advise here is gold. If she brings things up, validate. Keep it short and sweet. Don't get drug into the long talks yet where both open up and tear the walls down. Learn from my mistake
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Ny happy you had a good interaction. Take all of the other advise and tread very lightly. Remember her saying that OW is gone is her talking to you, you have to let that relationship get through its death. more than likely she is spinning all over the place right now. I am hoping for the best for you but just be careful.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Yes, I have to remember to be very, very cautious. It would be awful to get my hopes up too much only to have them dashed against the rocks yet again. I'm really trying not to have too many expectations, and continuing on as before. But with a little lighter step, I must say!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal, I'm with Thornton on this one. An hour on the phone? Really? I don't see any DBing in that at all.
I can't be too rough - I'd have killed for that opportunity a few weeks ago. Now I'm not so sure.
She's saying all the right things, which is also a bit of a worry.
But Thornton already gave you the warning - that's enough.
Fingers crossed, but do try to go slow. You've also got to decide just what does happen if there's a chance to move forward with your R. Because you're reviving your old relationship, which didn't work. You have to have an entirely new one, with 2 new people. Which one are you?
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
Ny Don't take any of this the wrong way. We all want the same as you but what we don't want even more is for you to be crushed again. This is a delicate time and needs to be handled fully focused. You can do it.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
