Thread #2: MLC = my last chance http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2511632&page=1 Thread #3: MLC = Reality is my middle name http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2641259&page=1 Hello all, I have been reading and responding to others on the board yet it has been awhile since I have posted on my own. Feeling like I had nothing much to contribute and skirting dangerously close to becoming depressed. I apologize in advance for my rambling stream of incoherence. It will be 2 years this summer since H walked away from his life and literally into the desert. At first I worried for him but now I am frightened of him. Found out he is wearing matching wedding rings and participating as a greeter in a church with OW. Fairly sure that this other Christian religion frowns on bigamy as well as us Catholics. Not sure if they are just playing with jewelry or had a ceremony. Not wanting to open that can of worms because we still need his financial support. I also don’t want my children to have to deal with this as he does not contact them. Finally I am not responsible for his crazy. This was a huge shock and it was a huge nail in the coffin of compassion I have been lugging around. I used to think H was an extreme case of MLC . I am in shock that his betrayal continues when he could either file for divorce or simply live with OW. Perhaps he thinks he is being noble by keeping me on his health insurance? I doubt he thinks of me at all. Just amazed at the disrespect he has for every relationship in his life. He has daughters and if a man ever acted this way towards them he would have been livid. He would have called the police. Also does OW realize he is still married? If she does then what does that say about her? This was a person who came to our home and knew our children. I took her and others out for Holiday lunch. I could drone on but it doesn’t change anything. I am just feeling emotionally drained and off kilter. I sound so pitiful. When those rose colored glasses fell off I was forced to see that I was living an illusion it shattered me. Someone I thought was loving is a monster who devalued and discarded all of us like yesterday’s news. If it was the marriage wouldn’t he be out of hiding by now and act like a father? Most parents just don’t treat their children this way when they leave a marriage. I will never get the closure of the honesty I am seeking. My girls are growing up and they are thriving. I am proud of them. I have been far from perfect but I have been honest and fairly neutral. A few times I have over-shared my emotions but I also apologized and explained to them that given their ages I’d rather be guilty of too much honesty than too much distance. They have been patient and I have kept faith and laughter front and center in our home. I am fairly positive but I still cry in the shower some days. Is that normal? Youngest D is getting ready to graduate from HS in a few months. She was accepted to several highly competitive schools and received generous aid and scholarship packages. Oldest is thriving at her university and is a leader on campus. She’s a little over halfway towards her degree. In the end they both refused to let their father’s behavior diminish them. We don’t discuss him much and he is referred to as if he was a relative that stayed in our home over the years. Perhaps we are compartmentalizing him too much but at least I am not speaking ill of him and they are not bashing him either. They just aren’t going to invest in a person who is not investing in himself or his family. If they knew about the rings they’d probably not be able to forgive him. He keeps burning bridges and while we don’t focus on the past I know he is going to make any future contact so improbable that the chances of redemption with his children are remote. In the end that is his issue to resolve with them. I actually quit my job. Things are calmer now and I want to move forward with more intention. The clinic I worked for was “morally ambiguous” and treated employees like furniture. As time went on I witnessed a lot of things and was put into some difficult ethical positions. I came to see that it was a not going to lead to any sort of career path and one day when faced with yet another sensitive situation and an unethical manager I quit on the spot. It was empowering and yes impulsive. Still don’t regret it as it was not a job that made me feel proud in any way. I have references and the odds are in my favor I can find something more in line with my needs. I will take a few months to regroup and reconnect with myself. I want to enjoy D’s graduation without all the anxiety and the awful commute. Financially things are settled and I can meet expenses for a while. Replacing the income is not insurmountable because I didn’t make much. The job toughened me up. It was like a boot camp for the newly separated. I am content knowing it served a purpose. I am proud for deciding not to waste time on any dead end roads and to stay true to my moral compass. For the first time in my life I made a decision putting my needs first and the world did not end. It was a big step and it felt empowering. Unfortunately this latest revelation with the wedding bands has me doubting my perception of reality and my inner voice all over again. Most days are good and I am working hard to regain my trust in myself. I am working on my list of duties and trying to honor a few dreams as well. I am excited to be taking the girls on their first trip to Europe to see friends this summer. I love to travel and it has been so many years since I have been abroad. I sold my wedding china, crystal and silver to pay for the trip. I am a bit nervous but I am going anyway. H’s indifference has had a profound effect on how I view myself. I imagine many of us LBS share that struggle.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I love that you sold the wedding China to pay for your trip! You and the girls will make great memories.
You're right, your h is a bit unusual in the way he completely abandoned the girls. Not unheard of, but unusual at this age. Makes me think either he's addicted (do you suspect drugs or alcohol?), or he feels so guilty that he can't face them, or he's really mentally ill (more so than even the usual MLC madness).
But whatever the reason, one thing it's NOT: it's not about them or you, it's about what's wrong with HIM.
Gwen, I'm glad you returned to post an update. You have to be so proud of your children. They've accomplished so much since their father flew the coop.
Gosh, those rose colored glasses such do us in when they finally do come off. I do agree w/kml, it's not you or your children, it's something going on w/him that he doesn't have any contact w/them. Some of these crisis people just disappear and are never seen or heard of again. It's sad...he's lost out on so much of their lives and he can't get that back ever again. Sure, the photos, the write ups, etc. are there, but it's not like actually living in the moment and sharing those times w/them.
Maybe he keeps you on the health insurance because he feels guilty for what he's done. Then again, maybe he doesn't realize you are still on it. It could be the "tie" to you that he still needs, but then again, no one can really say why they do the things that they do.
As for the ow, she's happy just to have him there w/her for now. Maybe he doesn't file for divorce because it's an excuse not to marry her. Then again, if you aren't rocking his boat, he may very well continue as he is right now for a while. If they aren't pressured to come home, etc., many of them can go on w/life and not think about divorce. Again, it's crazy the way that they think.
I don't think we will get the closer that we are looking for. We have to find a way to make "a closure" that will work for us. I've been here a long time and I didn't receive the closure that I needed. Sure, I got a half hearted apology for the things he did while married to me, but not the affair or his monstering during the separation/divorce. I finally accepted that I would never receive a true apology and went on w/my life...but there is still that little niggling desire to hear "I'm sorry". Maybe I'll get it on his or mine own death bed. Wishing thinking? Probably and that's okay.
I'm glad you quit your job. If it was a job you didn't particularly care for, then you did the right thing. Working a job should be something that you enjoy and be recognized for the work you do and not be treated as a piece of furniture. It's difficult enough to deal w/the many personalities, but to watch how others are treated and know that the employer probably doesn't care about its employees is depressing.
I am so happy to read that you and your girls are going to Europe. You will enjoy yourself. Do you know what countries you will be visiting?
Gwen, please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
KML - H may be addicted to OW or some substance. The only thing I know about H is how little context I have of a person who I loved for over two decades.
Job - Always so wise and measured. I bet you've heard it all over the years. Any thoughts on the rings and being a greeter at church? This one hurt me deeply because as catholics this behavior is right up there on the list of behaviors that sends you right down there. Trying to laugh but I am very disturbed emotionally and spiritually. Having to be a silent party because of practical reasons is also demeaning yet I must stay on top of the business side of life. I think God is fine with me being on his insurance.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
The rings could be friendship and/or tokens of their love rings. They could also be putting up a front to those who enter the church so that they think that they are married, which they aren't. Being greeters may give them a "standing" in the church right now and most likely they are just trying to fit in w/the congregation. They want to appear as good people to everyone and one of the ways to do so is being greeters. I, personally, call this "role playing".
I wouldn't worry too much about their behavior. If it ever gets out, well...people may look at them a little differently.
BTW, I am Catholic and from where I'm sitting Catholics don't pay too much attention to separations/divorces and affairs as much as they did when I was a child. Sure, adultery is a sin in the eyes of God, but people today just don't pay as much attention to the 10 Commandments. It's like it's become acceptable and part of the times we live in. Now, it's a bit different if you want to remarry and you have to go through the annulment process...but here in my area...I even had a Priest have an affair w/a member of the Church many years ago and no one said anything about it at all. It's sad when you think about what you were taught as a child and how much things have changed due to the current times.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is sad and while I realize this is more common it doesn't change what we profess to believe and what H professed to believe freely up until two years ago. Just because you can get away with it doesn't mean it isn't shocking and not even required. H literally became someone else that thinks nothing of being dishonest just to be dishonest. Technically if they married this is a felony. Even if they didn't it is a tangled web of willful fraud. People don't think badly of middle aged people living together either. Wouldn't that be less destructive?
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hi Gwen, I'm sorry to read about the whole rings thing. To me it sounds like a teenagery infatuation type move. We can't marry as such - but we'll both wear rings. Who knows how they deal with the inevitable Qs about their status. But all of that is their problem of course.
It sounds as though you are doing pretty well in all circumstances & pleased to read about your job and your trip. I always like to hear from you Gwendoline as my H pretty much vanished too - tho he mostly responds to my very occasional messages. Time will tell how things will unfold for all of us - but I'm always a little sad when something else gets added onto the big pile of things to forgive.
Take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Like Sotto said perfectly: yes, always sad when something else gets added to the ever-growing pile of things to forgive.
I can't imagine what it feels like to have H wearing rings and greeting at another church ... I too, am Catholic, and wow - that's just ... smh ... they really do become different people, don't they?
Gwen - your girls are doing so well. That's a testimony to what a great job you are doing keeping it all together for them. Believe me, I know the toll that takes ... I too, cry in the shower. Sadly, my son has heard me do so. Not sure what he makes of it. He's asked me what's wrong. I don't really answer, because I don't really have an answer. I just refuse to let this destroy me. And you know that even though the girls are growing up, they'll need you more now than before, just in a different way.
I'm so happy for your trip and ecstatic that you quit. It's all about being in alignment with yourself, isn't it? The right job will come along, and it will not require you to compromise your ethics. So proud of you for having faith and making that jump rather than staying stuck.
I very much identify with you about the indifference having a profound affect on you. I feel the same way. That's how the most damage has been done in my case. It's amazing to meet other people (men) who don't feel indifferent. Such a surprise to me. I find myself looking at old photos and looking for the shark eyes. Trying to find a date that this happened. Did he love me then, or was he just faking it. It's so hurtful and its own cheeseless tunnel.
I don't know about you my dear, but I'm ready to cauterize the wound. How much bleeding can one take?
Anyway, one foot forward at a time. You are wonderful, in case you don't know it, and a shining light. He's - well, on his own journey I guess is the most spiritual answer I can give. Don't let his indifference hurt you any more if you can help it, my dear. You are worth so much more xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Ah, Raine - I, like you, was a successful reconciliation story - until I wasn't. We actually had several of the best years of our marriage, and then he went back down the rabbit hole.
I don't regret it though. When he finally did leave, I had great peace in my heart that I had done everything possible to try to save my marriage. And having spent all those years working on things actually made it easier for me to move on after he finally filed.
And yes, I too felt responsible for my ex, who had had multiple concussions and who I felt had untreated depression. But honestly, it was out of my hands, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink, and he was not so impaired that he couldn't have made a decision to get treatment. He just chose self medicate with other women instead.
While it does worry me a bit that he took nothing with him (do you suspect him of being suicidal?), at the same time, if he is being financially generous right now, I would suggest you jump on it and get divorce terms in writing ASAP. Sadly, they become MUCH less generous as time goes on, so you have a limited time to take advantage of his guilt and get a good financial deal for you and your kids before that happens.
Remember, too, that seeing a lawyer for a consult does not mean you have to file - but you should get all your financial ducks carefully in a row just in case.
If it helps any - I was very stressed when my ex finally moved out (hair fell out in fistfulls!). But about 3 mos later I looked around me and realized - "Hey! It sure feels good not to walk on eggshells anymore!" - and my life has gotten better and better since. Professional success, financial stability, a nice home, my adult kids have gotten closer, I've made fantastic new friends, have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a queen, and I started playing the drums when he left - now I have 3 gigs this month with my band!
I still worry about my ex sometimes, but he is remarried to a sweet young social worker who I hope will care for him in his old age. And I have that peaceful feeling that I did everything I could, he fired me from that job and it's not my responsibility anymore.
