Sparkling none the wiser

[TimR]

Its good to hear you had a good day Sparkls. I bet they will get more frequent as time goes by. I am having the same feelings you are and it does feel good to not have so much pain and anxiety all the time. I have even been somewhat able to concentrate on work. I am sure there will be bad days ahead of us but we can enjoy the good ones while they are here.

[Sparkls]

Knew it wouldn't last. Sigh. I want off the ride.

[daybyday]

Hope your day has gotten better. Once you get the stress of selling your place and get settled again. You can sort out where you are headed. Nowhere but up from what I see.

[Sparkls]

Hope your day has gotten better. Once you get the stress of selling your place and get settled again. You can sort out where you are headed. Nowhere but up from what I see.

Yeah just feels like once I get sorted and moved, that means it's over for good, no going back. Like it won't be our home for him to come back to etc.
he// he doesn't even care where I'm going. Hasn't asked.

[Sparkls]

Yeah the day didn't get any better. I should've know that Id pay for having so many good days.
I just miss H. I was walking 3 of my 4 dogs and forgot to close the back door or it blew open. The last dog got out and was found by someone. His tag still has Hs number on it so he got a call and texted me and told me someone found the dog and just put him back in the house. I replied back 30 minutes later when I got home "I got him". It was read , no reply. Then found out that in addition to defriending me on xbox, he also defriended some of our mutual friends that are more my friends than his. Unreal.
And I got caught up in remember the last time I hugged him (on d-day he gave me a hell of a hug). And I just fell to piecing thinking that that is going to be the last time I touch him.
So all in all, a no good very bad day.
One of many and one of probably many more to come.

[Sparkls]

Well I think it's pretty much the end for me.
H is now officially telling all of our mutual friends we broke up and he's moving back to Colorado in a few weeks.
I shouldn't be surprised. But when he hadn't changed his address, when he hadn't changed FB status (still hasn't), I thought maybe there was a glimmer of hope that he was second guessing himself, that he still cared and that he didn't really want to do this. Guess I was wrong. That's what I get for having a few good days where I felt strong and ready to move on. Apparently I'm not allowed that.

[Sparkls]

Seems this is my own personal journal now. :-p

Welp, either I Forgot to close the door or it blew open but the dog got out again. Got 3 texts from H saying the dog got out, the neighbor is going to bring him back to your house (first time he's every called it "Your house". THat hurt. A lot). And she closed the back door that was open.
I took all of their tags and added a label that says my number and covered his and then covered it in clear nail polish. Should be good enough for 2 months until I know my new address.

I spent about 4 hours going through our spare room that was just full of boxes. I can't do it anymore. IT's good enough for now. I was able to go through most of the boxes and set his sh*t aside but I'm not going to pack it up all nicely for him until I absolutely have to. (Like not going to take his clothes out of the closet and pack them). Its just very not okay with me that I have to go through all of our 8 years worth of stuff and he just gets to walk away.

I just want him to come home. To pull his head out of his arse and not just throw away our entire life together. I keep trying to remind myself that packing up his things doesn't mean it's the end. That this isn't my forever. But it all feels very final. Feels like if one of us moves, then any home of a future together is just gone. In cadet's post, it mentions the luxury of time. And time is the one thing I don't have right now. gotta pack, gotta move, gotta make the house show-able so I *can* move.

Is there any hope he'll come back? That we can move forward and rebuild a new relationship? How?

[daybyday]

Sparkls, no one knows what's in his head. But, you need to proceed with your plans and don't look back. It's when we move forward and get on with our lives that we become whole again. If WAS has any interest at all, it will probably be when WE can decide if we even care to entertain them. Look ahead Sparkls. You future is so bright, I gotta......You know the rest.

[Sparkls]

I don't have the ability to really change my plans. I'm being pushed forward, regardless of how 'ready' I am. But I'm trying to find some excitement for it. Occasionally its there, more often not. I'll survive. I always do. But I worry about who I'm going to be on the other side. A large part of me feels like I'm being punished for loving too much or being too comfortable with where I was.
It's been a really long bad day. And I didn't get nearly as much done as I needed to (too many break downs). And sadly, I don't have the luxury of time. I have to get this stuff done no matter how I'm feeling. But I keep falling apart.

[Sparkls]

I figured I'd update here too.
Had to deal with H more than I'd like as my littlest dog got out of the yard TWICE. He texted me to tell me the neighbor found him and was putting him back in 'your' house (Guess it's not his house anymore for reals). Also had a mutual friend say she talked to him and he told her we're broken up and he's moving back to CO. Sure would be nice for him to actually, you know, have a conversation saying we're breaking up. But that's too adult of a thing to do I guess.

House cleaning is going well. I still haven't figured out what to do with his things. I seperated it out, but haven't boxed it and haven't gotten things that weren't in the way. I'll deal with it when I have to but right now, this works.

It feels good to be productive. I have rough moments (found a momento that used to mean the world to him. a little turtle I got him in mexico, I have a matching one.) but I feel stronger when I'm doing things to propel myself forward.
I'm going to go home to CO for a week or two later this week and while I"m gone my realtor is going to get this place on the market. Its going to be fun. The drive is going to suck as I have to bring all 4 dogs but it is what it is.

So yeah. H is still in his fog, still with OW, still saying he's moving to CO. I'm moving foward, getting everything ready to leave PA for good.
I don't think there's really any hope he's going to come back. I wish I could somehow see a little light at the end of the tunnel so I know what I'm walking towards, But I'm getting more okay with not having that I guess. I can want this all I want but when he's living with OW, nothing I do will ever be right. Seeing the other people on here who's husbands cake eat: its such a double edged sword. Harder for the BS but at least you know he still is waffling. Feels like my H is just done.
We'll see.