Sparkling none the wiser

[Sparkls]

Journaling:
Had to spend a lot of time in the car today and was just thinking, non emotionally, about everything that's happened.
I would still like H to come back, but there are a lot of changes that would need to happen.
My dad sent me flowers for getting into residency. And I realized my dad is the only man who has ever sent me flowers. H was never a romantic. I didn't mind, it was one of those things that I accepted as a compromise for being with him.
But as I was driving, I realized just how much compromising I had done. And how little he had. And that would really have to change. I know every relationship is a balancing act, but it was weighted pretty heavily towards him. On D-day he tried to make it seem like he had given up *SO* much to be with me. That he didn't follow his dreams because of me. But that's just not really true. Or if it is, that was entirely his doing. He's said for years he wants to go back to college but has never tried. Things like that.
He blames me for how little he feels he has to show for his life, but that isn't my doing. I would've supported him whatever he wanted to do. And will do so if he ever comes back.

But looking at it objectively, from a point of not hurting and not fear, I don't think he's going to be the kind of guy who's willing to make those changes. It's so much work and he's just shown time and again that when given the choice between what is right and what is easy, he chooses what's easy. I know he's capable of the other choice, that's why I was with him. But he isn't making those kinds of choices right now in his full on wayward state. Maybe when the fog clears, he'll walk out of it.
One of the conversations I had with his aunt a while ago was talking about how much alike the boys in H's family are. His dad chose to walk away from his family. His uncle had the same choice, and spent a really long time figuring out what kind of man he wanted to be. He decided and actively worked on being a family man. H's aunt warned him that he was going to have to make the same decision. To grow up, accept responsibility and hardship and self-sacrifice. Or to not. We know what path he's heading down now...

Only time will tell if that changes.

[1313]

Sparkls - Like Tim, I'm letting go more and more every day - it seems you've gone a long ways in just the last few days.

I've noticed that driving is a good time to reflect - sometimes better than sitting alone. I used to always play music or something, now it's silence.

You've got your reality staring you right in the face, I think your decision is going to be if he does "walk out of the fog", then what? You've been dragged to the precipice, and given all you can. You can't go any further can you? Really? IMHO it's his turn. I don't know if worrying about supporting him if he ever comes back should even be an issue. It's not him that's given up so much, it's you. You spent 8 years you could have had with somebody who actually cares.

I think you're improving when it's about you. Expect that as you withdraw he's going to start to wonder why. He's going to shoot arrows mixed with valentines. Be ready, and don't fall for any of it.

Keep up the good work, the GAL and detaching. The detaching is amazingly liberating, I can't tell you.

[Sparkls]

Thanks 13. But I don't think he's going to start shooting valentines. He hasn't reached out to me at all since d-day so I don't think he's even going to realize I'm moving on.

I called realtors today to help me sell this place and find my new one. The ball is going to roll really quickly from here on out.
t-3 months till I start residency.

But you're right. I've literally given all I can. And I've done that my entire life. I've always given all of me to everyone in my life and the net result was I always ended up screwed over. I don't know how to be "selfish" but I think going forward, that's going to be my biggest obstacle. Realizing that I am more important than anyone else to me. Otherwise I'm going to give myself to all of my patients and all that will be left is a shell of a person. And that's not what I want to be. Thats how doctors end up burnt out or committing suicide and I refuse to let that be how my story ends.

[JujuB]

Sparkle

I have only been able to catch up a bit with your thread, but I find your comment about learning to be more "selfish" very interesting.

As an outsider looking in, I did get the impression that you were doing everything you could to please ex so that he would stay with you. it seems like you might have put your own beliefs and boundaries on the back shelf so that he would "like" you and stay in the relationship with you.

What is it that you seek in a relationship and partner? Did your ex actually fit what you wanted in a person? Did your relationship (I saw that it was open) meet your needs? You have the right to a partner who is committed only to you both physically and emotionally. Did you feel valued in your relationship?

I think that using this time to evaluate your needs and to make sure that you know how to assert your needs is very insightful and will help you to negotiate a healthy future relationship.

[Sparkls]

I wasn't so much doing it to "keep" him and make him "like" me.
I did it because I have a very hard time being selfish. Like, I hate calling people because I feel like I"m always bothering them. (ongoing personal struggle, been working on it).
I didn't believe that if I closed the relationship, he would break up with me. I just didn't feel it was "fair" when I was the one who had fooled around in my early twenties and he didn't. Of course now that seems ridiculous. But when I said I couldn't handle the open relationship thing, that was me finally deciding to be selfish. I needed him to be focused on me. ANd his response was to essentially say "Naw, I don't wanna. I"mma keep doing what I"m doing and just not tell you. And opps, now I have feelings or whatever."

I do think I settled for a lot. I didn't ask for him to change. I didn't ask him to go outside his comfort zone to do something for me (like the romance thing, I never asked him to send me flowers.). It wasn't because I thought he would break up with me if I did, I just was more comfortable not getting what I wanted than trying assert my own desires.
My own needs have always taken the backburner in every relationship of my life. Work, school, friends, bf, parents. I'm the person that's always there for everyone else, but will suffer in silence when something's wrong with me.

As far as did I feel valued. I did until maybe a year or two ago. I felt loved. I felt he was proud of me and respected me. I felt secure, that he would be there for me if I needed him. It was one of those where if something was bothering me, he could tell. And wouldn't let it go until he knew I was ok. I don't know when that changed. Subtle changes I suppose.

So what do I need out of a relationship?
I need a partner. Someone to share my life with, not someone who's just along for the ride. The list is a lot longer but I don't need to post it here yet.

[JujuB]

It's a struggle. I have been thinking about how in next relationship I don't want to be too demanding or unfair but I also have to make sure that I am being respected and not being taken advantage of. Perhaps it's about not being afraid to voice our needs or our boundaries, but in a respectable way to both parties. Was it a communication issue then?

Or Sometimes it really is about them and us picking the wrong partner.

I thought you did express with him your desire to not have an open relationship? You asked and he did what he wanted anyway. Or am I wrong? If that's the case, what else could you have done?

[Sparkls]

I did tell him I didn't want it anymore. That I couldn't handle the emotions related to it and everything else that was going on.
We talked about it a lot. And he agreed. To my face. I don't know the time frame from when he said he would stop to when he actually slept with her. He told me that she turned him down twice before caving (as if that matters).

We used to be really good about communicating. Like, never went to bed angry. Would talk through everything.
That changed within the last year or two. He shut down, wouldn't talk to me. Or would just agree with what I said but secretly hate me for it (or so he said on d-day) and then go b*tch to OW about how terrible I treat him. Like, I was a terrible girlfriend because I didn't think we could afford a $150 gaming controller.

My problem was when he agreed to close the relationship, I didn't say he couldn't hang out with OW anymore. I trusted him. I stopped checking his phone, I stopped worrying that he was talking to her. He had said he thought I didn't trust him so I started trying to show him I trusted him more. And I got so wrapped up in my own depression, I didn't even really care. I knew she had feelings for him, but I trusted that he wouldn't let it get out of hand. Boy was I wrong. He completely abused my trust. He didn't even lock his phone or try to hide it from me. Then I noticed him pulling away, kept asking him if we were okay, he would tell me yes. Then he started hanging out with her more. Went with her to look at apartments for her (which I thought was super weird but didn't say anything). Started playing the games we played together with her more and refusing to play with me. I started testing the waters by talking about hte future and he shut down. Thats when I knew there was something going on, but I didn't think he was cheating. And if it had just been sex, I would've been unhappy but it's way more than that. I found cards from her saying that he had told her he loved her, that she was looking forward to their future together etc. But I'm rambling.

End of the day, we used to have a very strong relationship that I was very happy with. Then he started checking out and it all fell apart. I don't believe we were wrong for each other. But my ideas of what was "fair" started to outweigh my own personal discomfort.
Moral of the story: open relationships only work if everyone is on the same page and willing to talk, ad nauseum, about it. I won't do it again. Already told H that on d-day.

[Sparkls]

Okay question for the masses.
Very shortly here, I have to make my house show-able. Which will involve getting a storage locker to put some of the furniture because the place will look better with a little less crowded.
A large part of this is the spare room that still has boxes and boxes of stuff from when we moved in a year and a half ago.
There's a lot of H's stuff in those boxes still.
I'm trying to figure out what to do. Do I just pack his sh*t up? Do I break NC and make him come do it? Do I give until the last possible minute before pushing the issue? I can pack some of the boxes and just shuffle his stuff into other boxes.
Part of me doesn't want to pack his things. I want him to have to go through our 8 years of stuff together and pick what he wants to keep. I already packed his things once when I kicked him out. I'm second guessing whether that was the right move.

Anyone have any thoughts?

[TimR]

Sparky I think I would just pack it up and move it to the storage locker. Or text and tell him to come pick up his stuff. I think that is the acceptable response. But admittedly if it were me, I would wait till the last minute and just shuffle it to the corner.

[Sparkls]

Journaling;
Today was a surprisingly good day. Had odd dream about H last night, but then had another dream about random beach stud, so it balanced out.
I spend the day getting the ball rolling: called both my realtors to get my house on the market and some listings for detroit.
I dunno, I feel stronger the last several days. I still am of the mindset that H is probably never coming back. And that [censored], but I'll survive just fine without him.
Tomorrow is my last day of med school classes wise. I've got 2 weeks of stuff right before graduation but I"m basically done. And I spent all day drawing a comic for that last class (it's a humanities class about the use of graphic novels in medicine). It turned out really awesome considering I have very little artistic ability.

Keep on keeping on.