Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[Irish M]

I have said before, when he's tired his mask is off. He can open up and show his fears, his sadness, his depression. He can have an intimate conversation. But when I called him the next morning to ask him to do something, he was awake enough that the mask was back on. The in-charge, "I-don't-think-I-like-you" H was back. He was bristley and defensive, so luckily my call was brief and all business.

I had this same experience around Christmas time. My STBXW showed remorse and regret of her choices. All words and no action kept me away and not playing into that game. If it was real, it was a mere glimpse of the old version of W.


You seem very well. Your interaction with your H on the divorce proceeding is what I would love to have. If it's going to happen, I would like it so much for it to happen with us communicating. Lawyers like to go back and forth.

wish you well and Happy Saint Patrick's weekend.

Irish

[ciluzen]

Thank you, IM, for the well wishes and support.

Your STBXW showed remorse and regret? My H keeps telling me he's sorry. When he was spending so much time with his ladyfriend and I would get emotional and call him on it, he would apologize and be very lovey to me...and then do it again. My D25 brought this up yesterday when she was visiting.

She is a newlywed. This is affecting her very new relationship with her husband. She says she looks at him and feels so much love for him, but then remembers how much in love H and I were. Everyone who knew us would comment on how we were such good friends, partners, and so loving even a few years ago. She said she was happy and secure knowing that her parents had such a great relationship. It scares her that things can turn without real warning.

I had to explain that depression had been there for years; she said she knew, but he always seemed to snap out of it. Be the crazy, fun, life of the party or go back to hugging and holding us all. I had to tell her; that was a mask. It takes a lot of energy to put that mask on. But I slept in the same bed (not so much for the past few years) and knew he woke up from nightmares. When I asked him to tell me what scared him, they were almost always about us loved ones either leaving him or being threatened by danger and him not being able to save us. His fear of abandonment and overwhelming sense of responsibility/fear of not being able to protect us were weighing on him heavily. At night when his mask was off.

He still cares and he is still fighting to not feel responsible, but he does. He still tries to do things for us, control us, "save us from ourselves". He acts detached at other times. By pushing us away I think he is lonely and has been reaching out more on non work days, when he is not throwing himself into his work.I haven't been great at DBing and often bring up R. A different tact each time. I'm trying to fight my impatience. But sometimes I think it gives him something to consider while he is alone.

All I can do at this point is try to understand what he is going through while making my own plans for my new single life. I have told my daughter, at least she has a career. Make a life that is separate from your husband so you don't become co-dependent. But love and understand your H. Make sure you are communicating.

I will try to be the lighthouse. I hope my H makes it through the tunnel. H was a great guy. He's still in there somewhere...I've seen him peeking out.

[mutatio]

"Make a life that is separate from your husband so you don't become co-dependent. But love and understand your H. Make sure you are communicating."

What great advice. I wish someone had said this to me years ago.

[ciluzen]

With pain and experience comes wisdom (at least I hope it comes).

Of course, this is from someone who tried to help her neighbor with a horse and ended up making a rookie mistake. Second time in my life I've been thrown. I'm a little sore today.

Thanks for stopping by, mutatio. These boards don't get as much traffic as "newcomers" but the advice and stories are a little more relevant to my situation.

Its hard to watch my daughters go through this. I have to find that balance when talking to them between reassuring them that I'm ok and reminding them to love their father and be loving because he is fighting his own battles.

H came over yesterday to work and I made breakfast...offered him some. He brought me coffee for my Keurig which was nice and unexpected. We worked hard on our property and then met with the realtor. Interestingly, in mediation his L was pushing for a fast sale of our house without doing the work to fix problems. But H told our realtor to price the house higher and that he wasn't in a hurry, he wanted a better price and asked for a much higher asking price. I'll take that at face value...too hard to try mindreading.

We continued to work but he had to leave to see a patient earlier than planned. He kept apologizing. We had worked well together,as usual, but no great interactions. He seemed deep in thought during our breaks, and said almost nothing. He still just looks tired.

[ciluzen]

"Make a life that is separate from your husband so you don't become co-dependent. But love and understand your H. Make sure you are communicating."

What great advice. I wish someone had said this to me years ago.

I file this under "I wish I knew then what I know now". That file just seems to be getting bigger by the day.

[kml]

One of my favorite sayings:
"Good judgment is the result of experience. Experience is the result of bad judgment."

As I teen, I said I wanted to grow up to be wise. Little did I understand where wisdom comes from - bad experiences! Lol.

[ciluzen]

So true! We learn by learning to avoid that which has caused discomfort.

[ciluzen]

Interesting series of calls from H today.

I was supposed to meet up with D23 today, but I seem to have a concussion from my horsey accident yesterday, so I opted out to go lay down at home.

H called and was frustrated, almost upset. We had sat down to go over taxes a week ago and he was very unsure of how to fill out the financial info that he had taken over (our vacation home taxes and interest on loan). Three phone calls. I had to apologize to him...I was a little out of it and fuzzy due to the concussion. I had to explain that it was all on the statements, but for some reason he almost seemed in a panic. I tried to be calming, validating, and helpful, but he was...spinning? I let him go and he went on a rant about taxes and how much he pays and on and on.

He then kept apologizing and telling me how much he hated taxes and accounting and how he appreciated that I did this for him in the past. I just let him go. I told him there was no need to apologize, he could call me whenever he needed to vent; it didn't bother me to listen...never has, never will. He sounded so panicked. I felt so calm (well... head injury, fatigue, duh).

He did briefly ask how I was and if I knew what to do about the concussion...did I google it? LOL. I couldn't resist saying, "Dude. Not my first rodeo." Well, its not!

Really, the tax stuff was all on the statements and even though its the first time he has gotten our personal stuff ready for the accountant, its just not that hard. I'm very worried about him. I'm seeing the MLC is affecting more than just our R. I'm glad I just listened to him go. At least he kept apologizing.

[job]

How are you doing today? Feeling better after your accident?

I think your handled the conversation w/your h very well. You've learned the art of detachment and you listened and validated him and his rant about taxes.

Nice job! Keep up the good work!

[melweb]

Cil---checking in on how you are today. How many fingers am I holding up?? I had a concussion quite a few years ago and I blame my never ending migraines on it. Hope you are taking care of yourself.