Feeling lost

[1313]

Thanks to all for the previous replies.
Been finding the last few days quite difficult, but, I've not let up with the DBing so I haven't instigated contact or done anything clingy.

The GAL is going ok but struggling with the anger I have towards the W now. I never let it show or spill over when we are together but how do other members deal with this?

srt - not to sound totally cliché but it really is one day at a time. Be careful as to how/where you vent too.

My WAW was accusing me of reading her emails, etc. and as it turns out I should have realized this meant she was projecting and reading mine. I had already moved out, but neglected to realize that they had an IT person get through my password at a computer at her office, and she was keeping tabs of everything I was saying/doing. Unfortunately, all of my friends are hours away, so I converse with one via email. I vented - boy did I vent almost to the point of having fun with it. I used language and said things I would never say to a human being - but she saw it.

Although I now know she can no longer read my messages I've stopped, because even that was wrong. I've been working very hard on forgiveness. Because that will free me up from these emotions. If she actually practiced what she preached (you can go see my thread for history) then it would be even easier.

I have to admit though, I spend more time being sad and guilty rather than being angry, except when I'm being attacked. I've lost my friends, I've lost my family, I've made some terrible mistakes.

All I can really do is improve for myself, take care of my Mother (no kids) and look to a brighter future. If the WAW becomes part of that great, if not, great. The truth will out eventually, and the poison that the WAW has injected in everyone will either continue to take hold, or not.

Unlike you, I have zero contact with my WAW, for a while I had her proxy in the form of her assistant, but even that is pretty much over. I hadn't seen the WAW for 2 months, until court last week. Before you see her, practice meditating, deep breathing - any exercises you can to free yourself of these thoughts, because even your body language will tell her how you feel.

Continue doing what you're doing, because more of it is for you than you know.

[srt]

Hi, she has moved out and taken the kids, I am not financing any of it - she is out of an unexpected "inheritance".

The more I think about it the more I am sure she is going through an MLC.

[Accuray]

The more I think about it the more I am sure she is going through an MLC.

I'm sure others may disagree with me but I don't think this matters at all. What you should be doing doesn't change no matter what's motivating your wife's choices.

The tough thing is that the LBS is really in no position to diagnose the WAS. The behaviors you see can't be separated as being due to the breakdown of the relationship or a breakdown of the person.

I fear that searching for answers or plans in self-diagnosing your WAS is a can of worms that doesn't lead you anywhere productive.

Stick to DB -- it doesn't matter if your W is MLC, a WAW, Batshit Crazy, or completely rational and just "done". What you should be doing is exactly the same in all of these cases.

Acc

[srt]

Just back from an easter walk with W and S&D.
Managed to arrange holidays after some friction, I was annoyed W had started to make plans for days and arragements etc without first arranging who would have kids when in hols - row etc, but sorted it fine the next day.
Felt I had to stand up for myself here - said I wanted to be able to plan things too and couldn't until we knew where kids were.
In row wife said she had actually started to miss the 4 of us doing things together, but then said the row was "why we could never work".

Anyway walk today was good fun, W though would not sit next to me when kids were playing - noticed this but didn't let it bother me. She has also yet to pick up any mail from M home. Many of her possesions are still here but she is very slowly - as in one item a month, taking some things as and when she needs them.

Wife is also telling me lots of things that are going in her life, news about friends, family etc. Her health is suffering a bit lately. I've just been listening and trying like crazy to validate.

In other news still trying to figure out my 180's:
I've not been initiating any contact, no "i love you's"
trying to be positive/happy (really tough - gutted inside)
keeping calm in front of kids and doing exciting things with them
trying to be "flexible" and co-operative whilst standing up and not being a doormat (not sure if W is cake eating)
getting exercise and getting out/seeing friends.

My IC is pushing me to "move on" saying R is over - I don't believe she can diagnose that as she is only seeing one side of story. I know I'm not done, and I'm not prepared to give up yet.

[mutatio]

Don't move on until you say it's time. If you do you may carry regret for eternity. You may move on subconsciously first and not even realize it. However it manifests itself, you will move on when your ready. Once you step through that door, it's likely to be over for good. There is a slight possibility she could change her mind but those are long odds and I don't view that as a realistic outcome. Be patient, be strong

[srt]

handed over kids again today, this time for a week.
Been finding exchanges difficult for me in that I'm trying to detach, but also act as-if; not pursuing but trying to be positive.
Also I know I'm not a natural at validation - any tips for how to respond to wife commenting that she is or is not wearing make-up? Has certain types of clothes on?

[mutatio]

I still struggle to make that validating statement at the right moment. Between the stress of a strained conversation and natural timing I miss many opportunities. What I am trying to do is make validation a habit. When I speak with kids or anyone I try to respond in a validating manner. This is a effective way to train myself since I never used to respond like that. I think that the world would be a better place if we all did a little more validating.

Accuray posted an important thought. Whatever your wife's thinking is you are here, on this path. The most effective course of action is to rediscover yourself. Assess yourself and make the necessary improvements. Find some things that interest you and explore them. Do something that makes your eyes light up when you talk about it. I like metal art so I am taking a welding class. After a hard day of work I am still driven to go to that class. Find something you WANT to do and explore it, even if it's under water basket weaving.

Your short term goals are to create a PMA, validate when possible and find an activity that your passionate about. Be strong

[srt]

I have a few other questions I'l like advice on, other than the one of how to deal with compliments and "compliment searching" from the W.

1. I am still wearing my wedding ring, W is not, do I continue to wear it or not? Wife has said she will sometimes wear engagement ring as she likes it in front of Daughter

2. My brother is getting married in Summer and W wants to be able to see kids doing flowergirl/usher duties. I'm inclined to play tough and remind her she is currently not invited, and therefore not welcome (consequences and all that).

3. Wife is often bringing up events in our past (not bad things, sometimes funny or interesting stuff) in front of kids. How am I to deal with this?

4. Wife has still not moved all possessions out of the house. Should I just ignore this and not let it bother me? Or insist they are all removed to show boundaries?

[Accuray]

srt,

1. Do whatever you want to do, regardless of the impact it will have on W. Literally think "what do *I* want?" and then do that.

2. Don't bring it up at all. Just proceed on the basis that she will not be coming. If your brother wants to invite her, that's up to him, but she will not be your "plus one". If she asks you directly you could say that you're planning to go alone but would be happy to take lots of pictures for her.

3. That stuff is part of your life forever, if she's sharing fun family memories enjoy in the fun for the sake of the kids. If she's saying things, which in your opinion, are making the kids uncomfortable, then talk to her one-on-one, explain your concern regarding the kids and that you would prefer for their sake that you not discuss those topics in front of them right now.

4. What do *you* want? Forget trying to "game" W. If you like her stuff there for whatever reason then let it stay there. If it will help your GAL/180/Act-as-if not to have it there, then box it up for her and ask her to come get it, or ask her when you can drop it off.

The answer to each of these questions is "what do you want?" and then do that. This has the double-advantage of having you live with integrity and also demonstrating that you are "your own person" and leading your own life the way you want to lead it. That's attractive.

Acc

[srt]

Accuray, thanks v much for the reply - those were what I was thinking but didn't want to didn't want to do anything non-DB before checking.

I planned to add an extra one but forgot

5. W up until now has wanted to iron my work shirts "so I look smart" - do I allow this or refuse to show boundaries (it's actually a great help, but I don't want to allow it if it help her feel "better" about the situation she has created) Thoughts?