Thank you for your advice Sandi. She sent an email yesterday asking what I wanted/needed from her. I waited to respond until this morning. But I told her I needed these things. The truth about my current suspensions, and if that is true it has to stop now. Total Transparency - suggested we will talk about this when it is time. For her to tell me the entire truth about the other times. She explained to me that it is difficult to start these hard conversations, she knows I put the ball in her court. So I also told her that she could simply write a letter, something that I read in front of her. I am kicking myself but I told her to take her time and that I am working on my patience right now. But I did so as not to pressure her into another lie, I really hope that she gives full disclosure, but realize that I just cannot trust her right now. I had a good day yesterday not being at her beck-and-call. I will continue that until we start to get resolution. It is so hard because I have always jumped when she said to jump. That doesn't mean that in all situations I was a pushover.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
It is so hard because I have always jumped when she said to jump
I believe this would be a great area to 180! The person who is saying, "Jump", is the one controlling the relationship. Personally, I don't think it is a good thing for a man to jump every time his W snaps her fingers. It is too easy for the respect level to get out of focus for her. Eventually, she begins talking down to him, or sound as if she is his parent. She becomes spoiled. She begins to sound as if she is giving orders, instead of making requests. Granted, some women are smart enough to disguise it, but still the husband's position becomes more subservient.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much Sandi2. As you probably know my mind is racing above full capacity right now. I have never really thought I had to think about my every move or word said in my MR. I have made some mistakes on my end, working on my 180 right now. Last night she snapped her fingers and I didn't jump, she didn't react really but didn't push it. It was quite liberating, she was angry/annoyed this morning I could tell. But didn't say a word about it.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Sorry to hijack, but thank you for saying that Sandi, I think it is advise I needed to hear moving forward whether it is with WW which I do not think it will be or just another relationship. I have always tried to be the man who would do anything to make his W or GF happy. Do anything to please them at the expense of myself and my own feelings. I think that is what really happened in my M.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Tim, No problem. It doesn't help for sure to be the guy who she needs to jump when she says, it seems like it does but no. In my case, my wife also hides behind the fact that she does so much for so many other people, so I think part of her reasoning and decision making to stray would be that. I can't know what is in her head, but if I had to guess it went something like this "I do so much good things for so many people and my H is xx (fill in the blank) I deserve this for myself.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Okay I need some advice please? As I said above, I have responded to an email that she sent yesterday, I responded today to her questions about what she needs from me. Read above. Like I said I told her that I can be patient. But I feel I shouldn't of. I plan on asking her tonight if she read my email, regardles if she has or not I can explain that at the end of it I said I could be patient. However I think I should tell her that is the truth but her unwillingness to face this head on just plain looks bad.. Tell me if I am crazy to tell her this, I think I need to do that face to face so I will wait until tonight when the correct time presents itself. It could spur the conversation it could not, no expectations there but I think I need to get that off my chest.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Well, it has been a while since I have posted, I have discovered that she is texting some young stud that she met a year and a half ago, god knows whatever else she is doing with him. I also discovered another letter from another guy that she works with. I am not sure if this can work out. We are swapping back and forth living in the house, she made the calendar of who stays and when, she is in control. She is spending a ton of money, I have written her a letter saying that she is free to do whatever she wants, and I am just going to do the same. I only text when necessary, I think I am ready to tell her I want a divorce. She thinks we can keep doing this until the end of the month when we start staying in the house together again in separate bedrooms.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Not sure why my posts are getting no love on here. I am flopping like a fish out of water. I am sure that my wife is still having an active affair, she is just driving it deeper underground. She wont admit to who Rob is... This is her A partner. She doesn't want to end the marraige but wants to continue doing what she is doing. I wonder if it is an exit affair, but just buying time? I wonder if she is trying to figure out if the M is worth giving up the OM? We talked yesterday and she says that she just cant see what "we" look like down the road a year, I said me neither. This morning she made me breakfast and gave me lunch then a big smooch on my way out the door. I have been avoiding physical contact but couldn't this morning. She is just temperature checking I am sure. Our 21st wedding anniversary is next week. I told her that I expect her to tell me the truth, and back it up with action. She showed some remorse yesterday, but not much. She said I just didn't see our lives going like this, I said what did you expect. I am lost as to what to do next. I need to figure out how to be "darker" I guess, because it does seem to be working somewhat. She still wants us both, she doesn't want to give up her family. After our anniversary I am thinking I will pretty much tell her that I want a divorce if I don't see any change or course of action on her part. We need to find some help to fix this because we can't do it on our own.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
coffee_ - I hate to say it but you're going to need to take a stand here. If you continue along the path I was reading you'll need to accept that you have an open marriage if you want it to continue.
I don't know much about your household but if you have another room you may want to consider moving into it. I know most of the advice here is for the LBH to stay in the MBR but is sounds like your W is wearing the pants and wouldn't be shoved out. If you can't stand your ground where you are, you may need to stand on it somewhere else.
Cutting off the physical contact is also part of it. Every time she touches you I'm sure that it re-ignites a spark of something that keeps you connected to her. She needs to start feeling a loss of something that she doesn't respect.
In my own sitch it's been easier - my W moved out of the MBR on her own after BD and has avoided physical contact making it much easier for me to detach and be objective. You've got a much tougher road to travel.
Good luck man - you're going to need it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, I have been staying at my buddies house. She is wearing the pants for sure. When I do stay at the house I stay in the other bedroom anyways. I need to make a stand for sure. Today I did a 180 and put my foot down. She is leaving town, I have a bad feeling about her motives, she says it is for work..yeah right. But anyways she was asking if I would watch a baby that we have been caring for the last two and a half years, while she was gone. I said no. She has used the baby to distract from the M, and used the time she was watching him and he was sleeping to spend time with the OM. While she is gone I am moving back into the house and will refuse to leave. We are going to have dinner on our anniversary next week, which is probably not a great thing to do I know. It is just very hard to detach. I am thinking that is the night I say that I am done with the M and we need to start the D process. She knows that I know, and still continues to destroy our house. This in not the woman I knew..what the hell happened to her?
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
