I'm brand new here

[1313]

Phoebe, it's terrible you've got all these things compounding your misery. I'm so sorry. You're in different stages of different losses, and probably more confused than ever.

He hid his behaviour, he gaslighted. That is hard to deal with, very hard. V

One if the things I had to come to grips with was the gaslighting. In my case, it was because of an A, and the W was so disgusted with me that she began to tell me I was doing this, doing that - or I had done terrible things to other people. She did it so well that I actually thought I was doing these things - forgetting things, saying and doing terrible things, it keeps you confused and focused on the wrong things.

I did begin to prove to myself that it wasn't just me, but by then it made little difference. Because of the deflection I didn't notice the real issues.

Sadly, it's not an unusual behavior and it's amazingly destructive.

For you, it's of little consequence in the big picture. You've got the rest of your family to deal with right now. You need to be strong for yourself and your Mother.

You've got to continue practicing your DBing, and decide where you want to go. This is a big bus, and you're driving it. Just know you're not alone on this new journey.

[Phoebe]

Thank you all so much for your support and for reading my story. It's been one of the hardest days i've had in a very long time. Given how strong and detached I was feeling yesterday, It feels like it came out of nowhere.

The 6 days he was missing were by far the worst of my life, and then the week or two after his first contact (official BD) were pretty bad, of course, but I started feeling a bit better each day and the low days became less frequent - maybe once a week, and only for short periods of time.

Today was a sustained all-day mess, crying on and off all day. Yes, I'd say grieving is a huge part of it, like Vanilla mentioned. Specifically the depression part of the path. Other than the therapist appointment, and a couple runs to the store, I've just been keeping a low profile all day.

This evening I had a bit of distraction, which is good. I went out to my coop to collect eggs and discovered I have a neurologic sick chicken. I am a veterinarian, though not one that's working anywhere for pay (that thing that bothers H), so having a sick pet is yet another bummer for the day but one that gave me a much-needed project. I had to go see my parents (good in every way) to tap into the pet pharmacy I keep there, head back to the store to pick up some sundry supplements to treat her, work out my doses and compound it all together, and then spend some quality time with my little sickie. Kind of fun. Projects were the only way I survived the first few weeks of this M crisis, and I haven't had nearly enough of them lately.

My DB plan is to really work on detachment. I have got to get to the point that I am less reactive to all of this nonsense. On that note, I have an appointment with my GP on Monday where I will probably be starting on an SSRI. Until today, depression was not a predominant symptom, anxiety was, and I need to get a handle on it without having to keep resorting to Xanax. My therapist tells me that today's SSRIs are aimed at anxiety as much as depression, and I am more than willing to give them a shot.

In other news, H sent me two texts today, and that's pretty rare.

first: "hi, I just thought I'd say that I'm thinking about you, and I care about you very much."

second: "I have made a therapist appt. - it is tomorrow"

I didn't know how to respond, or even if I wanted to. They showed up before my own appointment. Afterward, I simply responded with "Ok."

I do think that it is a good thing that he's going to finally start seeing a therapist. He had said that he would do so weeks ago, but until my visit, hadn't made any moves on that front. Monday he had been planning to get himself set up with someone, but then I caught him in the PA web of lies and that took over our attention. I think it's a positive result, however late in the game. I really believe that he has problems that he needs to deal with, regardless of our marriage.

As for the first text... well I just pretty much chose to ignore it. It's just a useless platitude.

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow!

[Phoebe]

Late last night he sent me an email in reply to one of my responses to the Couples Questions from days ago. I thought he wanted a few days with no contact to get his head straight. I didn't reply.

Confusing.

[Phoebe]

Well, today felt a lot better for me, though there was absolutely nothing going on. I did get a bit teary a couple times, but mostly I was OK.

I think a couple big things contributed to yesterday's mess. One, it was the first time H told me that he was finished with our marriage. He may have then back-pedaled from that finality or expressed uncertainty, but he also made it clear that was a very distinct possibility. That was very different from what I'd been hearing in the email communications.

Secondly, I was physically near him for a few days and then I was back alone again. So hard.

I think that I am genuinely depressed now. In the first few weeks of this ride I was doing a much better job of keeping myself out there and staying busy as hel1. In the last few weeks that burning need to be busy has started to fizzle, and I've been feeling lower. On part of this is that I feel like I'm becoming a burden to my parents and my one local friend, so I'm trying to be on my own more. I think it's hurting me because I'm feeling more isolated at a time that I really need company. I'm just going to have to get over my concern because I need to be around people a whole lot more.

I called a L's office to set up a consult and was blown away by the cost today. 1/2 price on the hourly rate for the first consult, but the normal rate is $345 an hour. Does this sound right? I was in shock. Anyway, it was no fun relaying the story to a stranger. I need to set up another one, at least, but I didn't have the energy to do it today.

No contact at all from H today. He was supposed to have had his first session with a therapist.

We had pre-arranged to restart the Questions for Couples tomorrow, but I'm inclined to leave him alone a bit longer. I worry about keeping my word, though.

I'm guessing that the advice will be to not do them at all, but when we talked about the Questions this weekend, we both expressed positive feedback about them, saying some of the questions had been interesting and insightful.

Any thoughts?

[Phoebe]

So now the financial crisis begins, like the emotional one wasn't enough.

Tonight I realized that H has stopped depositing his paycheck into our joint account, the one our bills are paid out of. I am not working. Let the anxiety begin.

When I talked to him about the change in the direct deposit total just a couple days ago he said it was because he needed to set up a new individual account to be there for if divorce proceedings began because the state locks all joint accounts. He said it was to make sure we still had a way to pay our bills, just in case, and he said it was only to receive a tiny bit of the deposit ($109 biweekly). He did NOT say that he planned to move the entire paycheck over there for the next pay period. The lies just pile on deeper and deeper, and lying by omission is still lying.

Does this mean that he started the D ball rolling? Here it is 11 pm, and I'm hit with this and no one to call who is still awake. I'm reeling and shocked.

How the heck can I protect myself financially without starting a D myself? I am in shock, though I don't know why I should be surprised at all.

I'm hoping someone is awake and on the boards tonight.

[1313]

Phoebe,
At least it's not Friday night, like that's some sort of consolation. You've got a lot to do tomorrow.

$345 for a lawyer is about right. Depending on which one I have at my law office, it goes from $450 to $175ish, from the top lawyer to the clerical help. You probably should have started the process earlier - but that's not going to make you feel any better I know.

Sometimes the consultation is free, sometimes not. It depends, and it sounds like you've not got a lot of time for shopping around. Sadly, a lot of the L's are going to want a retainer, which can go from $4k to $10k depending on who. You may find one that will let you pay as you go, but typically there's so much work to do just to get the ball rolling they'll want something.

Not to bum you out even more, but to give you an example, my retainer was $6k (just the lawyer, nevermind the forensic accountant) and they burned through half of the retainer just getting the ball rolling. Filing the beginning paperwork, saying "hi!" to the other lawyer, etc.

The only real winners in a D are the lawyers. Of course, most of them will do what they can to save money, but that also means they'll be working more with the other side to come to a quick resolution.

I'm sorry, but it sounds to me as if he's ahead of you at this point, and had this planned. I wish I had something good to say to you. I wish I could give you a hug. This [censored], and I know how it feels to be "pearl harbored". This is part of that switch you hear about that the WAS flicks and turns into that other person.

You're communicating with the person you know, then all of a sudden some other person is inhabiting their body and doing these things.

The L's should be able to reverse what he's just done, but that doesn't help you at this moment. The court will take into account things like suddenly moving funds even if he hadn't filed at that very moment. Unfortunately, that doesn't help you right now. And, they won't be able to get you that money until either the other side agrees (L to L) or it goes in front of a judge.

Man, this bites. There's just no quick resolution I see for you, this is what the L's do - and it's a long process. That doesn't do anything to get money into your hands and I wish I could tell you how to change that. Unless there's a shred of your old H in there somewhere to reconsider - you're going to have to get creative - and I so don't want to sound like a jerk saying this.

[1313]

Phoebe, one more thing if it's any consolation - pulling stunts like this is usually frowned on by a judge. Not that it means anything - being locked out of my house should have been frowned on by a judge but apparently it's no big deal.

Does this mean your H is going to ruin his own credit by not paying bills? Are they in both your names or his? Depending on how things are - he might not be doing himself any favors either.

BTW, the court doesn't "lock" the account in CA, they just keep track of it. They sort out who did what later. So I would assume it's a similar thing elsewhere. Moving money from one account to the other makes zero sense - why wouldn't they lock that one as well? A joint account is just that - and you both have an equal right to it until the courts deem otherwise.

Perhaps throwing the fear of God into him - or an L contacting his L - because I would assume even his L is going to say "don't pull this cr*p".

[Phoebe]

As of our last conversation, he told me that he had only gone in for a consultation with a lawyer and had not actually retained one. That conversation was just on Monday, the day I confronted him about the affair. Of course, that was the same day he explained about the small paycheck shift, which would have been his opportunity to tell me he was going to stop deposits altogether

How can I trust a word form his mouth these days?

What the heck was I missing here? I've been reading a lot of threads here and no one seems to mention this subject all that much. I thought that going to a lawyer would push him away. I guess he was already gone. So much for the gift of time. : (

[Phoebe]

Oh, and the consultation I set up with the one highly rated local lawyer isn't until 3/30!

Probably not soon enough, right? Sht.

So do I just take any old lawyer that can see me on short notice? This so s*cks.

[Zues126]

No one seems to mention what subject? Getting a L? That is usually the right move when you are financially exposed and your WAS drops the bomb and separates.

Your M was over at BD. Him moving out, him having EA/PA, him getting a L, the D becoming final, etc...these are just milestones that will gradually help you see that. But the M is over when he says it's over.

The idea of saving a M is that this isn't always permanent. Sometimes people stop the D proceedings. Sometimes they get remarried after the D is final. Sometimes they don't. But DBing is a choice about what YOU will do. Many LBS's will burn bridges, blame their partner, and rebound. Others will detach, 180, and practice self care with GAL.

You have nothing but time to walk down this road. You certainly don't have any control over HIM. But you have plenty of control over YOU. And plenty of time to make good daily choices, starting with boundaries, legal protection, and personal growth.