yeah thats what i thought too --- she wants to make sure you know she hasn't changed her mind, even though she might be waffling inside.
take care of you and your children. easier said than done. it's really important to try to figure out what you want. not what she wants. not what's best for anyone else, even including your children. oddly, what's best for you will be best for them. take some time to be still and really think about what it is that you want in your life. once you know that, you can move forward. does that make sense? xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks for the replies. I'm trying not to get my hopes up or expecting anything but I'm really happy she decided to go to IC.
Bttrfly, that does make sense. I've had a lot of thinking to do this week. I saw a side of her I never have after her last idea, plain nasty, it woke me up.
Hawho, I've been keeping my mouth shut, listening and observing like you said and seeing a lot more of how bad of shape she is in and noticing more teenage antics, responses, etc.
Saturday she was acting weird again, she was hurting really bad with her condition (hunched over shuffling around) but was also outside smoking and on the phone all morning as well as acting more depressed than normal. She was also really set on sending d with s and I to get his hair cut. That night she told me she was going to quit smoking. I told her good for her. She has brought up quitting several times lately. I keep telling her I'm glad for her and I know it is hard, making sure to make it is all about her because she quit smoking for me when we were dating.
Sunday she was set on making sure to take d to a bday party and said she was going to her office while d was there. Later she said it was a stay there party so she didn't go to her office when they got home late. When they got back d came in all excited about eating mcds which we never do (we treat s with diet and w has changed a lot of eating habits since BD). W told me she had another bday party to go to but d told me the next day she just played with some older kids while mom talked to a lady. I wonder if she is putting papers together.
She really has been out of it lately. This weekend she left and I was watching out the window thinking OMG she's going to back out in front of that car, sure enough she did. When she got home she asked if I heard that car honk at her, then said can you believe that?, honking at me leaving my own driveway! It was totally her fault but I said I saw that car coming and it was going too fast, no wonder you didn't see them. A couple other times I've said something to her and she is lost in thought and literally doesn't hear a word or know I'm there. Last night I left to run and get some tea and said I set the timer for a couple minutes, and asked her to check the pizza out when it goes off. I came back to her sitting at the table doing work and dinner burning. She never heard it. However, if there is something I don't want her to remember or anything negative she sure as heck will!
She has also made a few comments about how she is a horrible person a few times over the last week or so. I tell her she's not, that she is a great person and to quit saying that because it's not true. This is garbage her parents told her as a girl and young adult (she has told me awful things they told her).
This week she's left her tablet laying on the counter quite a few times. I wonder if it was by accident of if she was seeing if I will look at it. I know she went through one of my dresser drawers and my ipad history was opened up the other night, sloppy work unless she wants me to know. I'm glad I decided to keep DR in my office! I also noticed she has been leaving her phone on the counter/table facing up the last few days, it's been attached to her and face down since this all began. I wonder if Saturday morning wasn't about OM.
Night before last she was upset about something. I could tell so I asked if she was okay. She said no, then said she was having trouble at work. I asked if I could do anything for her and she said no again but then said thanks. She told me she bought cigarettes again and she felt bad then gave me a guilty look. I told her I wasn't judging and she looked a little relieved. She didn't look good last night (looked very unhappy) but I did notice she's gained some weight so I'm glad she's eating!
Job, thank you for reviving the two older threads this week and the lighthouse post! They were very helpful for me during this stressful week.
Kyh sounds like you are doing a really good job of not putting on pressure, validating where appropriate, but most importantly observing what is really going on with her. Keep up the good work! xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
More of the same ol same ol over the weekend; however, I was able to step back and separate my emotions a little better and see a lot more of w's craziness.
Saturday w took the kids on a play date at the park for an hour or so and then spent the day in and out if her room. When she was out she was talking about getting old because it was her brothers bday. I spent the day with the kids and we got out bikes out. We were riding every evening before the winter, it will be nice to start again.
She went out Saturday evening and didn't come home until the next morning. She was sick the next day, hungover I'm sure. D happened to be sick too, but not like w. Since d was sick we couldn't do much so I had a stay at home day with the kids Sunday. W kept asking kids to come lay down with her in her room but they never went. Maybe she did a little thinking about that while she was down there alone but I doubt it.
Over the weekend and last few days she's been validating me, thanking me for doing the laundry, cooking, etc. but she hasn't been eating with us for a week or so now. If she does she doesn't sit at the table with us. In fact, this week she replaced her spot at the table with a new printer for her work. I cleaned the whole upstairs except for that but she didn't notice. That image of the table with three clean spots, flowers, and a printer with work papers really says a lot.
She was all upset about work again last night, so I validated her and took the opportunity to plant a seed about her changing jobs. It would be good for her in a lot of ways. I can see that things are going downhill for her at work, she got taken advantage of for a grand or so yesterday. She said a few things indicating she had already thought about it a little.
After putting the kids to bed she asked how my last IC session was. I'm always vague, I then asked if she went to hers yet and she said she hadn't called back. Then told me she was going to start sleeping only 5 hours a day, I laughed and then she told me lots of people do. I said yes, they're called crazy people and then told her about the brain cleansing itself during deep sleep and how people have sleep needs that change as we age. She laughed at me then did a quick internet search and yawned, said was tired and was going to bed, lol.
Ive been doing a lot of thinking and remembered w told me last week that I was always there for the kids but not for her. How should I take this? Also, at the beginning of this she said she couldn't wait for them to grow up. I said something about it and she immediately took it back but wth. This also makes me wonder because the time from which she claims to have been unhappy (now) coincides with when our s was born. What does this all mean?
This scares me, and after what I saw in her last week it really does. She has a sister that is literally insane to say the least and I'm worried w is headed that way.
I saw a lawyer last week, so I have an idea of what's going on if w files, etc. I've thought a lot about d but the way I feel now, at the end of the day it would be out of anger and resentment with the hope of getting a change from her so I don't think it is right. I think she maybe wants me to file so she can put the blame on me.
I also found out yesterday that my counselor is going to get her phd and leaving in a couple months. She said she would be glad for me to come to her new office but it would be 45 min one way when the weather is good. Idt I could work that now so I'm going to have to find someone else. This stinks for me but good for her.
This weekend were having bday party for d and hopefully the weather will be nice enough to get out with the kids. Planning on making it a good one when I get home from a trip this week.
I agree with Bttfly, you are doing great at observing and validating. It helps to see how frazzled and out of sorts they are, to give us some compassion and patience. Lots of people are only sleeping 5 hours? Did she say why? That sounds terrible, lol.
Keep up the good work
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
She told me she is waking up wide awake in the middle of the night and that she thought she was one of those people who only needs 5 hours of sleep a night and would just start getting up because she's more tired if she goes back to bed and then told me how lots of people do it. She was talking about getting more work done. Ugh... I guess it's one more thing that shows her thinking is off.
Last night w had the kids call and was putting them to bed early. She said she needed to call her mom about her dad. I texted later to ask how he was and she called me back and told me he had cancer but it was localized and he was going in for surgery later this week. I asked how she was and how her parents were. She told me okay and thanks for asking and that she had to call her mom back. I texted her to ask if she was ok this morning and got I'm fine about an hour later. Not sure what to do with her. If I ask how she is doing she'll pull away but if I don't she will say I'm distant. I'm afraid this is going to make things worse.
Also, when I talked to the kids tonight I found out she took the them to a play date tonight with the same lady as the weekend before last so she's up to something.
Its a fine line to figure out what kind of responses work in mLC
The coach told me if you find a reaction is bringing R closer, continue it
If it creates distance ,stop it
You will have to figure out what responses are best but I think validating and being cordial and kind without going overboard or pursuing read her cues as best you can
and remember continue with your life focus on you too maybe a new hobby, activity or friend You can't fix her and she will need to go through this on her own
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks Peace. I'm trying to figure this out; its funny how such a seemingly simple thing is hard to do with a MLCer.
She's been all over the place again lately (sometimes like turning a switch) and I've noticed if I can keep from being affected, whatever is going on seems to go better. I may even be able to change the mood from what is expected. I'm also noticing how much she is trying to control everything. She gets upset at everyone and everything but less at me it seems like.
She is still thanking me for doing things, like making kids lunches, cleaning, etc. and apologizing for the mess (like it's not perpetual lol), etc. She even left a note for me Monday apologizing for the mess in the kitchen (she used to leave me notes all the time). Maybe she feels bad because I came home a day early last week and the house was completely annihilated.
Monday was d6's bday. W was off, she was supposed to get a few gifts during the day (s and I got a couple on the weekend and I offered to help if she needed something) but didn't so we had to go to the store after going out to dinner so she could run in. She did take balloons and treats to d at school though, and d had a great bday! We are having a party for her tomorrow at a bounce house place so the kids should have a blast.
Last night was tough, yesterday I came home from work and she was down. I was too as I had just read about our friend who died before BD in the news because the guy who caused her accident had his sentencing. She told me a client of hers lost his d and that a friend called and that her sister's h passed away. I asked if she knew about the sentencing since she had talked to her friend (she was bf with our friend that passed away) and I figured she did but she hadn't. I told her about it and she got really mad and then depressed. It's not good for her to have so much anger about this. It's awful and I don't know how I feel about it, but in this case I would rather forgive and wish/hope for someone to turn their life around than to carry around anger and hate. I wanted to hug her but she was standoffish and I know better so I just asked if she was okay. She said yes and went to her room for a while and then said she was going out to get a couple things. She came back with stuff for dinner but it was almost the kid's bedtime and I had already made dinner and we had eaten. She told me I should have texted her and told her to come home (really??) and that she was just driving around and lost track of time.
Tonight was alright, she vented about her work then talked to me quite a bit and seemed less tense, I think her eyes were less dull but very sad tonight. She stayed upstairs longer than normal after the kids went to bed.
Also, since this weekend she's cooked again a few times (making food we ate before we got married) she even asked if there was something I would like her to make. I made sure to tell her I appreciated it each time.
I'm trying to remind myself to keep expectations at zero, to be patient, and try to detach.
Not all that easy to gal but I've been enjoying my time with the kids more, keeping busy but really slowing down to appreciate it.
Catching up a bit. Been busy with work and the kids, d has been sick for a couple days.
D had a great bday party last week. Friday I had the kids all night as w was out until after they were in bed. Saturday I took the kids and dogs on a trip to my parents and w went to another concert. The kids love going to the farm and the horses! Had another little bday for d. Took the kids to church the next day and came home after my mom took d to future sil's shower.
Didn't hear anything from w until Sunday afternoon. She started texting me pics from bday party. I sent a couple from the weekend back, then she went cold after I didn't reply to a text for 10-15 min. She texted later she would have dinner ready for the oven and was gone until kids bedtime after we got home. The next day she told me it was nice to be alone and for it to be quiet. I wonder if this is how she really felt.
The next day she was parked in the driveway when I came home for lunch. I went in and ate then finally went out to check on her (more than a wave) and found her crying. She told me she went to work and her desk was boxed up and she just took her stuff and left. She came back in and vented a bit while I listened. She said she'd been on the phone and she wasn't fired but they were moving things around. I told her even if that's the case you don't do that, I think she's finally seeing her boss isn't as great as she's thought which could be good as I think she is pushing w towards D. She was in and out if her room and crying all night. She did come out for dinner though.
I see them praise her and then do stuffike this. And like clockwork, her boss gave her an account the next day to make up for it. I asked w if she apologized too and she said no just gave me the account.
W was trying to be nice yesterday as I worked from home to stay with d but snipping at me for everything last night. I just let it all slide and kept a good attitude, idk if she even new she was doing it. I had to do the same today, she was looking for something to get mad about.
I've been trying not to focus so much on w and observe. I don't have a lot if chance to gal on my own but I'm making sure to keep busy and have fun with with my kids.
I'm glad that you and the kids were able to get away for a bit last weekend. A farm is a wonderful place to live and/or visit. I'm sure the kids enjoyed being around the animals. I'm also glad that your D had a great party and could enjoy herself.
It sounds like your w's boss is a piece of work. Things in her work place don't sound all that stable and has some tension. The only thing you can do is listen and validate, which you did.
You are handling your situation well. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
