Ok, I am back to seeing familiar stuff in h. Kind of feels like I am playing Hide-n-Seek with MLC. After unknowingly driving on an expired license for several weeks, h renewed it. It came in the mail a few days ago. H said (from the dorm room) very loud: "wow! I look good! I am a very good looking 47 year old."
I think he was joking but not really. I think he is trying to remind me how lucky I am?!? He has, on several occasions told me how well he is aging in comparison to his counterparts. Which is kinda funny given that he is a man-child!! I didn't say a word as, he is in fact attractive but has much interior work to do to match the exterior.
Then he looks at his old license and says: "I haven't changed much! But I don't look as good in the old picture--must've been a bad day." (All VERY loud so clearly this is all for my sake. And kind of funny that if he looked bad, it must've been just a bad day.). Actually, I saw his old license and he had shark eyes in the photo, helping me narrow down when this all started for him. I am curious to see the new photo and if he has Jaws eyes there, too.
He has spewed a little. Yesterday he came into the kitchen and tried to pick a fight over a dirty skillet. I stayed calm and diffused the bomb he was lighting. It is something I would have reacted to pre-BD about which I now care nothing.
Today, more of the same old spew. He made a snide PA comment to me via text about an old M issue. I took some time and thought it over vs. reacting. I told him I was sorry he feels that way but I also corrected him, kindly, on something he assumed. I stood up for myself in a logical fashion vs. reacting.
He wrote back and said "on a different note" and asked what the sleeping arrangements will be while my family visits. I know he is worried about appearances. He asks what the plan is so that our private life is not so public. I tell him that this is his home and I want him to be as comfortable as possible. So, I say whatever reason he wants to give as why he sleeps downstairs is fine by me. He writes back and asks where everyone else will sleep. I have already worked all the logistics out so I tell him.
So, this is a 180 for me. I have planned and acted vs. waiting and reacting. Also, he now knows I will not be sleeping with him to keep up appearances. I have let him know it is up to him to make up the reason why he is down there. I could care less. He can say his blow-up doll is more comfortable down there, for all I care. (As far as I know, he does not have one, LOL!)
He surely will see the difference as usually I am a "go with the flow" kind of person. In the past I would have kept up appearances. But I know I don't want to do that anymore. I would rather deal with the vocal speculation about the state of my marriage than be a phony to myself.
And so, in this instance I feel I have shoved MLC out of my way.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I had a good chuckle over his driver's license photo. You do realize that he was hinting quite loudly for you to say something about his appearance? Poor child, he just doesn't get it...does he?
I think you handled the situation w/the skillet, as well as the sleeping arrangements quite well. Now, it will be interesting to say the least as to what he uses as an excuse for being down in the dorm room.
Keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh, Job, I know perfectly well that he wanted me to fawn, drool and trip all over him! I want to buy him one of those miner's caps and add a sideways mirror to it so he can just glance at himself all day long!! He can snap on the light and see himself in the dark, too.
Want to really see how biased he is?
We saw the newest Star Wars when it was released. As discussed ad nauseam, h is obsessed by aging. So he walks out and says: "Harrison Ford looks great! But Carrie Fisher, geez!"
And I wonder if we even saw the same movie?!? Harrison Ford looks like a raisin and h makes it sound like he hasn't aged one bit?!? Don't get me wrong, I think Harrison Ford looks great and I appreciate the fact that he HAS aged. Clearly, Carrie Fisher has had work done and the poor thing probably lives under a ridiculous double standard. Harrison Ford is "sexy" for letting himself age and Carrie Fisher would be an old hag if she aged. Plus, she may appear older because people just saw her all of a sudden, whereas Harrison Ford has had a new movie every second for the last 20 years. So, his aging has crept up on us.
As for the dorm room, he's trying to get out of being here at all when family comes. This makes sense as he loves to run from reality and his problems. I predict he will say: "I will leave to give you all adequate space." To which I will answer: "that room is so filthy no amount of fumigation will have me housing anyone in there. The devil deserves better."
Speaking of which, the stench from the bathroom is vile! A few days ago, we were all talking about someone at dinner and joking about torture. I said to h "if you really want to torture someone, just house him/her in your room and bathroom." He looked shocked. He said to me: "it smells?" I said: "of course!" I noticed he opened windows that day. Must be his spring freshening method.
Oh and I complimented the kids for cleaning their bathroom so well. H said: "they cleaned again?!?" He was completely incredulous. I said: "most people clean their bathroom every week." He looked sheepish, took his hand and made a funny yapping, "yeah yeah" motion. But now, he is on the defensive: hence he pointed out the dirty skillet to assert his cleanliness. Too funny!
And tell me if this sounds familiar? Also recently overheard about the dog who is 4 yrs. old: "this is the best year for the dog. Best he will ever have! Look how powerful he is! He has no illness and look at how handsome he looks. He will never look this good again. Look at his face? Best it will ever look. He is powerful." Ugh, not this again . . . wonder if he will take the dog for Botox in a few years?!?
Maybe he is stuck in some crazy 8 shaped MLC loop?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Okay, I think your h needs to have his eyes checked. Harrison Ford has aged quite a bit and so has Carrie Fisher. In fact, all of the stars that returned for that movie have aged.
As for your dog's age...well, he really was his best age at 1 or 2.
BTW, you need to tell him that age is just a number and it's what you do w/your life that counts. Now, that will get him good!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Must be a case of "MLC vision" as, trust me, he does not look the same in this license photo as his last one. Nor do I!!
So, as for sleeping arrangements, he will say he is not sleeping well, up and down a lot and he doesn't want to wake us. Then he wanted to rearrange the sleeping arrangements and give the guests my master suite?!? He says it is nicer + then my clothes can be moved to that closet and it isn't so weird that half the clothes are missing from the u
I write back and say: "don't worry, I'll take care of things. They are not here to judge me, they are here to visit and that they take me faults and all." And this is true. My sisters are my best friends and they know very fault I have!! Years ago, I bought them both tea towels that said: "you will always be my best friend . . . you know too much." LOL!!
He writes back and says he is worried about the kids. That this is weird enough without outside eyes. He says he is trying at every turn to minimize the impact on them.
I don't even know how to respond to that hogwash.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Up above it should be: half his clothes are missing from the upstairs closet.
And now he is worried about the impact of all this on the kids?!? Probably just for keeping up appearances.
It's REALLY hard not to ping him about his heavy duty replay days!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, I learned from your previous thread - new comer but not so new. My husband said the same thing as what your husband said, where did they get the same script (laugh)? The difference is my husband eventually moved out and he had both emotional and physical affairs with two 'young' women.
One year before bomb dropped; he worried about losing hair, gaining weight. He spent more and more time looking at himself in the mirror everyday. That time I though his action was funny, I did not know he's in his midlife and it becomes a crisis...
After bomb dropped, I started searching the knowledge of midlife crisis, I knew that his has a family that is not functionally well, I did not know it was that bad. Last year I found his father left home to live with a woman for years when he was young. His mother was always yelling.
Husband told me that he wanted to leave home when he was only ten or twelve years at age. I guess I did not pay enough attention when I heard about his story the time we got married.
I'm grateful for great help received from Job, Cadet, HB and from the LBS with this Forum. With all the information I'm standing.
H : 40 Me : 42 kids : 0 Married 9 years BD/verified ow : Sep. 2014 Moved out : June 2015 he enjoy hanging with young people he had hair style(outfit) changed he had all his money spent, drank a lot (he never like alcohol) he blames me for everything he came from an emotional polluted family, parents fought all the time.
Hi HaWho, I think MLCers want to be seen as the good guy, and they don't want their choices to be laid out for others to scrutinise and perhaps judge. He is panicking and hoping you'll come to an arrangement which will minimise this aspect from your family.
I would just go with whatever seems most comfortable for everyone and not be too swayed by his influence. Let them take you as they find you and think what they will.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Babe - nice to hear from you. I understand exactly what you mean that those first signs of MLC are worthy of light teasing.
Sotto - I know he wants to keep up appearances to the guests who are coming. If I know him, he will try again to convince me to re-arrange the accommodations so that it's not so obvious that he moved downstairs. I want everyone to feel as comfortable as possible. But I need to feel comfortable in my own space, too. And that's more important to me than keeping up appearances. (If we were going to keep up appearances for anyone, we should have done it for these kids.)
I know enough about his childhood to see that he has re-created it in our own home. He made that dorm room back into his child childhood bedroom. And, at the start of replay, he made comments here and there that likened our home to his childhood home. The two houses couldn't be more different but he kept trying to mold this one into that one. I know it must sound nuts, but I swear it's true.
Here's an example. When my youngest started school, I began to re-build a life for me. I started playing tennis again, began working part-time, etc. So, I wasn't home as often. He started to make comments that the house was "cold" and "empty feeling." His mother was completely MIA in his childhood; he was alone at home for too long and at too young of an age. Now I see he was projecting.
And though we are polar opposites he kept trying to make me his mother. On several occasions he intimated that I was a bad mom because a tennis match ran over and I was home later than expected (like by 30 minutes, not by two days). I know now he wasn't talking to me, he was talking to his mom; but I didn't catch it then. I didn't validate at all through that as it was so bizarre to me. Now, it all makes sense.
He kept saying the same things about our home that he said about his childhood home. Just noting if for those who come after me and live with the MLCer.
Mleigh - guests come early May.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
