Someone please help me with a plan of action!

[rustbkt]

It's been awhile since I have posted anything here, I guess i'm not the best at putting my thoughts on paper. I have been detaching and GAL but nothing has changed in 18 months of our in house separation. We still get along ok but it just seems like we are only just friends now and she is happy to be going. My W has started packing her stuff and getting ready to move out of our house next month.
I'm heartbroken watching all this happen and nothing I can do to stop it. We are putting the house up for sale in a few weeks and all I can do is say thanks for the 31 years it's been great as she is getting ready to walk out the door. My question is, is there any hope after we separate or should I just move on? I have tried to DB for almost 2 years now with no hope right now to save my marriage. Maybe there is a better way to save a marriage I don't know, but DBing did not work for me. 31 years up in smoke. Pooooof

[1313]

rustbkt,
I'm in the 30+ year club as well.
I understand not being able to write your feelings easily but have to ask. In this 18 months you've known this - you say you've been DBing - did you ever try getting a coach? Was she ever open to counseling?

Without knowing the specifics it's hard to say if DBing worked or not. At least with counseling you might have learned something, even if it were all bad.

My WW started an A, and at least at first I'll even buy it was an EA - allowing her to deny any A at all. I could see her logic believing if there was nothing physical, it wouldn't really be an affair. Sort of like what your definition of "is" is. As soon as she filed she told me she was free - and then it was Katy bar the door.

In this 18 months you've had the luxury of time - lots of it. You should have learned something, gotten some sort of movement one way or the other.

Now that you're this close to it all being gone - well just exactly where are you in the D process? Are you still only separated? Who's agreement to sell the home? Lots of questions, so little info.

While I can't tell you what your outlook is - I can tell you mine. I found the W was about to drop the bomb at the same moment I verified the A. I moved out. I thought that was a really bad idea because all communication ended. As it turned out - she had already rented a home! So it wouldn't have made any difference except I'd at least be in my own home. I thought I was still being nice and saving her money. Now I find out she had a secret bank account - which currently has $40k in it, I'd double that figure a year ago.

Anyway, being separate has made sure that nothing I do will be noticed, or I will have no way of knowing if it works. You could be different. Friends might tell you - you could learn different ways.

I got a call yesterday from my L that the W called hers and said to stop the divorce. Do I know what that means? No, this sounds odd. Then I saw he W texted me (I missed it for hours) early in the morning that "I told the lawyer to stop the divorce". I was ecstatic! I was walking on air. Then reality hit - what does this mean? I was cautiously optimistic - but couldn't help but be optimistic.

Then today I get that's not really what she meant - she just wanted to get the lawyers out of it. Because things aren't going her way I am to assume.

How ugly is that?

But you get the gist. No communication leads to even more pain. My W pretended to be nice - and we were friends as always - even though separate bedrooms. But the SECOND I was out that door, she flicked the switch. It was a different person.

All I can think is that's exactly what's going to happen to you. You need to be prepared. If you think it's bad now...

Please, if you can swing it call a DB coach. Even one session. If they can't help you with your M, they can help you prepare for the first steps of the rest of your life.

At my age - I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't see finding love - I don't see another relationship. My entire adult life has been with my W. Everything that's happened to me, what I've done, what I've become was with her. And now it's going to be gone. I feel for you, believe me.

I could pretty much bet there's somebody else, and the bedroom split was the beginning of it. An EA is every bit as bad as a PA, worse IMO. A PA can get old, and there's nothing else there. An EA will only lead to a PA.

I wish I had some good news for you, I really do. Get a coach or a counselor or therapy, and if you can - give us some sort of specifics. There's some truly amazing and empathetic people here. They have great insights. They can help if you give them that chance. But they're not mind readers.

[rustbkt]

313, 30 years is a long time, we did well to get this far. Yea, I did ask her to go to counselling two years ago and she said no. My wife is the type of woman when she
tells me she is leaving, she is leaving. She is the one that wants to sell the house and get her own place. She has wanted to do this for the past two years and I asked her to stay just to help our two girls out and she agreed.

1313 I feel for you, we both know how much we put into a M only to have it taken away from us and nothing we can do. 30 years is a long time.

My W has been like a good friend but I just get a feeling that something is not right but I can't see that she has anyone waiting for her when she leaves me. She is always home every evening from work and always where she tells me she is going to be. A few more weeks and it will be all over.

Some of my Gal things to do has been learning how to dance and all I can say is wow this has helped me so much to meet new people.

I want to contact a Db coach but right now I just feel the train is not slowing down and there is nothing I can do at this point to stop it.

The only specifics I can tell you is that she say's me she is not happy with me. I guess I don't know how to make her happy. How do you turn a train around?

[CWOL]

I want to contact a Db coach but right now I just feel the train is not slowing down and there is nothing I can do at this point to stop it.

The only specifics I can tell you is that she say's me she is not happy with me. I guess I don't know how to make her happy. How do you turn a train around?

Has she given you any specifics on why she is unhappy with you? We or the coaches will need more details to help you.

Also, dig deeper to see if there's an EA. My WW always had the same schedule too, but it's what she does during the time away that matters. She was emailing and calling her XBF when I'm not around. Check her phone if you can.

[1313]

rustbkt - my WW is similar, once she says she's doing something she does it. Unfortunately, I've seen what happens to people that are on her wrong side - that's the spot I am now.

I've been in the watching the train run full steam into the wall, only now I'm in a bit of a limbo - even for just 48 hours.

I always believed my WW, and anything she told me. The difference for me is that she's got a schedule based on the whims of other people, so if she said she was running late for some reason I believed her.

I was so stupid that she had scheduled a trip to Italy last June for art lessons. I said I wouldn't go just for a week to watch her paint. Then all of a sudden, she added 2-1/2 weeks to the trip. I thought gosh, I'd kind of like to go if she's doing a tour - what gives? But time was short, so I decided to stay and work on a project. I never thought for a second the odd coincidence that a friend and client of hers was going to Italy at the exact same time! What are the odds?

Yeah, pretty dumb, huh? Of course, it turned out this was the OM - she'd meet with him in different places, telling me she was doing other things. I kind of wondered why she started to like texting all of a sudden - when she told people how much she hated it and not to text her. But she could text with him right in front of me.

So, the same day I found out she was filing divorce I looked at her phone when she was in the shower, and saw the text messages. While there was nothing explicit - they were far too cozy for a friend/client, and also told me she was meeting with him when she was telling me something else. It was obvious she had been deleting the text threads - but she left about 4 days worth which was all I needed to see.

At our age (not to drag us down) we're a lot more clever and less obvious than the 20 somethings - and don't get overly lusty. Our hormones are no longer running rampant! Messages will be more subtle, and not a lot of them. If something is going on though - and you care to look - you'll find it.

Of course, there's the possibility something else is causing all of this. In my case again - the symptoms of an A and MLC can be very similar, there could even be a bit of both. My W suddenly got very health conscious (more than usual) exercising in a very serious way, dieting, losing weight - even braces. If you've noticed none of these things then I'm stumped.

If you don't know any more than what you've said, at least a DB coach can help you with the process you're about to undergo. The coach will probably be able to ask you some specific questions to get information out of you that we're not aware of.

[sandi2]

What about the area of attraction? What have you done to become more attractive to her?

[rustbkt]

When things were going ok with us a few years ago she whould ask me to do things like go out for dinner or go dancing and I didn't listen. Most of the time I was happy to sit at home and watch tv or read the news paper. She told me she didn't want to sit at home all the time grow old doing this. I guess I missed all the warning signs and she got tired of waiting on me.

Over the past two years I have looked for clues of an A at bomb drop but never found anything. She locked her phone up around this time and no way can I get near it.

[CWOL]

The locked phone is a big red flag. Look deeper and you'll find the cause

[TxHubby]

If the phone is locked then there is an A going on. The only privacy in marriage is when you're going #2. Women almost never just walk away from a marriage except for 3 reasons. Infidelity by the husband, physical abuse, OR there is someone else and they've refocused their emotions toward them. I think you're faced with the latter. You tipped your hand and she's being extremely careful now. Check the cell phone bill. Any numbers come up often you don't recognize?

Here's the deal. If there is a 3rd party in your marriage, and experience tells me there is, then your DB'ing never had a chance from the beginning. You can't save a marriage when there's more than two people in it.

[Cadet]

Women almost never just walk away from a marriage except for 3 reasons.
Infidelity by the husband, physical abuse, OR there is someone else and they've refocused their emotions toward them.

This is true if you add in that the other person might be a fantasy person, like a character in a book, movie or play.
It does not have to be a real person.