(((((Tyler))))) Sounds like you've been through it the past few days. I'm glad that you're feeling better now. I hope your good mood lasts as I know how we can cycle in and out of the depression/sadness, anger, happiness, etc. I hate it when I find a mood I like, but can't seem to make it stick.
It's so odd how these people that we are still married to seem to be complete strangers. It's like one day we can talk to them and they listen, then the next day they don't want to look at us much less speak to us. No matter what we say, they can't seem to hear it. Just so strange to me. I know when all of this started, nothing about me had changed. How did I miss such drastic changes in him?
I also feel like you, that I am holding onto a marriage that just wasn't that great to start with. For some reason feeling like I am never going to find someone so wonderful ever again....but, like your W, my H wasn't that wonderful to start with. Funny how we start to see them through different colored glasses after some time away. I like that you are feeling like a WAH these days instead of LBH. Just seems like you're starting from a place of power as a walk away instead of desperation like a left behind. Kudos to you Tyler! Your journey is inspiring to me. You started with so many questions....now you seem to have so many of the answers. You have done a lot of hard work and it shows. Keep it up! Perhaps someday we will both be able to drop that heavy rope that we seem to be holding on to for no apparent reason at all.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I could feel the confidence come through in your post. And, you sound very strong. I laughed when you called yourself the WAH! Loved that.
I also have times when I wonder why I am trying to hang on to a marriage to a man that is a cheater and a liar. Where the world revolved around him and he fit me and his kids into it only when he wanted. I agree with you - we should no longer accept a lifestyle that isn't what our kids or we deserve.
So, I am happy for you that you truly feel detached right now. I think that is a freeing feeling that I am very much looking forward, too. Because, like you, I still hold out some hope even with the occasional moment of detachment. Maybe these are the first steps to fully detaching and dropping that very heavy rope. In the meantime, enjoy your feeling of detachment, soak in your strength and keep going forward!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I'm at a place where I see that no matter the problems we had in M, nothing to me justifies an A. What kind of person does that to someone and more importantly what kind of person am I to be wanting them back.
Zeus wrote something just like that awhile ago and while I got it I didn't feel it. Anytime I feel a longing for W I laugh to myself and say really? Your better than that. You have been enjoying your life without ex. You were enjoying it before too.
I have come to peace with my contribution to the downfall of my marriage and I understand what actions of mine need to be changed in any R moving forward. What personal traits I have to continue to work on for myself.
If W ever comes to me looking for R I am still open to it. That's something that has shifted from yesterday. I would be approaching it with extreme caution and hesitancy. She would need to do a lot of work to win me back at this point.
I still have lots of work to do and I fully accept the responsibility of moving forward. My attitude may have to do with having the boys this week and all 4 for the weekend. So I am getting ready for the possibility that next week may be tough being alone again. I know I can do things to GAL. And make myself busy
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
So I have been throwing an idea around in my head today. I am considering writing a letter to W.
The basis of the letter would be a goodbye letter for me. Closure on the situation.
I bounce back and forth between doing it or not. The part that says yes wants to write it to say thank you. Though things didn't pan out I wouldn't have these 2 amazing boys if it wasn't for the time we had together. We did have some good times, now I see that this is a better situation. I didn't understand your need to find happiness and now I see I had a need to find mine as well.
There will probably be more. This is not something I am just going to throw together.
The no side says why bother. Your happy and moving forward. Why include her in this? To hurt her or as a last ditch effort? Possibly. The difference is. I don't care if it effects her at all or if there is any response to it.
Just looking for some feed back as to if I should do this or not.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I also realize the similarity to sparkles sitch and I remember my comments on her thread. Trust me. This is not something I am taking lightly.
I see this as something I need to do to continue moving forward. I am curious if anyone else has done something similar and I it helped them with themselves.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
If you are truly done, there's no need to tell her about it. You'd simply not care. The fact that you are even thinking about a letter tells me you still have some attachment. If you had no attachment, you wouldn't even think of writing the letter.
Your W just moved out a month ago, Ty. I don't think you've dropped the rope yet.
Maybe your subconcsious is pushing you to make a move to avoid being in limbo.
I think your wisest move is holding off on doing anything right now.
I agree with Thornton. It has only been a month and I feel tremendously stronger when I have my boys with me. My suggestion would be to write the letter for yourself and not give it to W. It will be cathartic and maybe, when you are truly detached and the rope is officially dropped, then you can consider giving it to her. But, I bet you will reread it and won't want to bother…..at least, that is what I think truly "being done" will feel like. Just my humble opinion...
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
IF you're really done: write the letter. Pour it all out onto the paper. And then burn it, releasing the words and emotions into the cosmos (if thats youre thing).
She won't appreciate it. She won't react in the way you want. Writing it will help you move on, but its the writing that's important, not the receiving.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
Tyler, listen to the advice given on the forum. Don't write it. Writing this letter will just have WW react negatively to it. She'll feel that you are being judgmental and manipulative.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Have to agree with everyone else. If you feel the need write it and destroy it. Doing nothing is the best solution , nothing can be gained from giving a letter like that to W
