Need help please

[broke]

Albac,

I am a SAHM, too. So far, my H and I still pay all the bills out of our joint checking account. My H has filed and, if he stops paying, we will have to go to court to get a maintenance order for him to continue. This is my understanding of how it works in my state. So, she may have to go file to get that maintenance if you "cut her off". I don't think you want her to file for D….

Also, I don't think it would endear you to her with thoughts of reconciliation if you do that…..that's not to say she shouldn't work. I am back substitute teaching and studying for my tests to update my teaching license. If she goes ahead with the D, she will eventually have to work. I am not sure how you would broach that subject though. Maybe some vets will have some better advice on that? I did it of my own accord….

[albac]

So I have been trying my best to go NC since my W moved out only speaking when we have to about my daughter.
I feel like she is trying to make me angry or hate her. Everything I have done I have controlled myself and been polite but only having contact when needed and ending contact first not holding on or pursuing.

I believe I am giving a very good impression that I am fine without her and she really doesn't like it.

Is this something normal that is to be expected? Is there anything I should be doing differently? It's like the more I show that I am ok and doing fine the colder she is getting.

At the beginning when she moved out she was apologetic and always saying how sorry she was because I was visibly upset but now I appear as if I am doing fine on my own it's like it has made her very angry and she's trying to make me hate her or have a fight but I just keep in control and be polite.

[CWOL]

Also I have been thinking about the financial side of things. I worked and brought in the money while she was a stay at home mum.
I have a well paying job and had no problem supporting the family. Since W left I haven't really worried about the finances I am still paying her phone bill as well as child maintenance and other things she needs.
Should I talk to W about her taking care of her own bills? Or will this push her away more?

It's a tough situation because she is so young and has never had to support herself it is a tough time for her that I really don't want to make harder but the other side is the harder it is maybe she will realize she didn't have things as bad as she thought? I'm just not sure how to go about it

You should check with a lawyer about your state's laws, if you want to push her to pay, as it may prompt her to file for divorce. They vary widely. For example, in my very liberal state, I bring in 95% of total income while my WW works only 15 hours a week. For temporary support (alimony), because there is such a big disparity between our incomes, I have to give her about 45% of my take-home (after taxes) pay even though we are sharing 50/50 custody! How is that fair? I'm not the one who cheated. The rationale is that I have to help maintain her "lifestyle" while we go through divorce.
So in your case, if you have the same laws, you will be forced to facilitate her new "lifestyle" and hand over a lot your money.

[albac]

Hi CWOL, I am actually in Australia and the laws here basically from the day she moved out I had to start paying child support.
I am in a very similar situation to you I earn a very good income and I am forced to pay a lot of it to her because she works about 20 hours a week part time. So from that side of things other then a divorce I am already paying her exactly what the law says I have to.

[Accuray]

I believe I am giving a very good impression that I am fine without her and she really doesn't like it.

There can be many reasons for this and best not to try to mind read. Chances are if you were pursuing her, or sad, or doing anything else she would also be angry with you and/or treat you poorly. It's not about you, it's about how she's feeling inside.

You need to stay the course regardless of what she says or does. You should expect tantrums, coldness, and periods of warmth followed by distance -- keep recognizing that it doesn't have anything to do with you and is not a reflection of what you're doing or not doing.

Often when we get into a bad situation we try to change what we're doing. If you're changing a long-established dynamic, the change itself is painful because it's unfamiliar. People often give up on their new course of action just because of the pain of the transition, falsely assuming it's not working, then go back to the same situation they couldn't take anymore. Stay the course and come out the other side of the tunnel and everything really will be better.

Keep doing what you're doing. You are not her insurance policy, you are not her emotional safety net. If she didn't want you to be happy by yourself she shouldn't have left. You don't owe her anything right now but to give her space and be the best person you can be.

Acc

[albac]

Thanks Acc,
what you said makes a lot of sense now that I can I look at it that way. I have already had periods of coldness and warmth followed by more distance.

I will keep doing what I have been already, trying to make myself a better person and do the things I like to do and I guess I will find out in time how the rest plays out.

[Accuray]

YES! That is all you can do -- to "do" anything else is just generating stress, anxiety, and negative feelings for you with no positive result. It's like when you're rowing a boat: I read somewhere that you get 75% of your speed with 35% of the effort (making those numbers up). To row faster and kill yourself with the effort doesn't get you to your goal sooner, it just wears you out.

My ex was brutal to deal with until I no longer cared, and then at that point she got very upset that I wasn't her friend and wanted more of my attention. You can't win with someone in the state of mind of your wife -- she's on a personal journey she has to see through to the end.

Acc

[albac]

Another tough week with ups and downs but it does feel like its slowly getting better.

I am trying to have as little contact as possible and keeping up the DB but its really not happening.
My W sends me photos everyday of my daughter(lots of the photos with my W in them as well) on the days that i don't get to see my daughter. i try not to reply unless she asks a specific question but it is hard to resist the urge to talk.

I am still fairly confused about everything she says and does. She quite often sends me text messages and photos of just random things to get a response from me. I don't reply unless its important. One minute i feel like she is done and never coming back the next day she seems warm and loving.

Its a hell of a roller coaster ride but the result is these ups and downs are starting to have less effect on me as i'm doing my own thing and getting into a good routine.

I am wondering what experiences others have had? one minute shes telling me shes having a house warming party for her new place, which is fine shes allowed to do whatever she wants if she wants to party i'm not going to be happy about it but i acted as if it didn't bother me at all. Then she proceeds to tell me about how she is struggling being by herself and how things are not going right for her.

Its so hard to follow the changes and i really never expected her to tell me about things being hard for her? i thought no matter how hard things are for her living by herself that she would never show it or tell me about it?

When she drops of my daughter or picks her up from my place she tends to always hang around for an hour or so wanting to chat about nothing important and is in no hurry to leave? all of these things seem strange to me but maybe some people further down the track then i am will have some idea.

[Accuray]

Hi Albac,

Your wife is scared by the changes she's making and feeling lonely when she's home alone. That doesn't mean she wants to reverse course, it only means that sometimes she is scared and lonely.

Other times she feels fine and feels good about her decision. The inconsistent behavior you're seeing is relative to her state of mind. If she hangs out with a friend all evening and talks and has a good time chances are she will seem cold to you because she's feeling fine in her situation.

If, on the other hand, she sits home alone, no one is available and she has no one to talk to, she may feel lonely and desperate.

In those scenarios, you are her "insurance policy on the shelf" and she will reach out to you as a comfortable and known source of emotional support.

Once again, these oscillations don't have anything to do with what you're doing and saying, so the best thing you can do is just be consistent and live your life for yourself and your daughter.

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time -- it's tough for everyone, but it does get better!

Good luck,

Acc

[albac]

Thanks Acc,

I really appreciate your input. It's strange like you said it gets easier as days go on but the more I think about things a lot of what I think about is starting to point towards I am better off without her.

Don't get me wrong I love my W and I really do want to spend the rest of my life with her but things are just so much easier now except for the hurt in my heart and my head.

I worked very long hours to support our family and get paid good money, but I also did all of the house work so I would get home from work and cook dinner, clean the house do washing etc the list goes on and now I only have to look after myself it's so much easier.

I really don't want to give up and I won't. But I think it helps my DB knowing that I have been alone before and I will be fine if it happens again. I guess im trying to get my head prepared for the worst rather than hanging out for the best and setting myself up for a let down.