Feeling lost

[Melo]

We LBH's have to be strong. Detaching and GAL is uncomfortable, but it helps us grow and that's exactly why we have to do it, because through growth we become better fathers and better men.

[Accuray]

Most of the feelings you are going through are driven by feeling "out of control" -- a marriage relationship is a place of stability -- we learn to count on it "for better or for worse". We feel like we can be ourselves and this person will have our back.

When one person unilaterally decides that they're done it comes as an extreme shock to the other person, because it undercuts so many assumptions about our lives, who we are, what we believe in, what we can trust, etc.

In addition, people are used to solving problems in their lives -- apply enough time and effort and the problem will be solved. This is a "problem" that doesn't work that way -- there is simply no way to will the other person to do what you want.

These two factors are a perfect emotional storm -- my world got turned upside down completely without warning, and nothing that I can do is going to fix it.

That's an extremely bitter pill to swallow, and that "out of control" feeling is awful. For some people it can feel unsurvivable, and leads to catastrophic thinking -- "I will never be happy again", "I will never find anyone as great as my spouse", "My life will be awful and people will judge me for being divorced" etc.

Therefore, subconsciously, we see regaining our spouse as the best way to regain our control. If you can see that for what it is, it has very little to do with how good or bad a person your spouse is, or how much you think you love them, it's really almost 100% about you trying to get the training wheels back on your bike.

In this climate, it can be very helpful to pursue things that help you to feel in control -- create and stick to a more rigid schedule, work out, diet to lose weight, pursue the same activity every day, fix your house, improve your finances. Teach your brain that your sense of being in control comes from YOU and not from the other person.

Divorce is not a great outcome. It takes two people to have a vibrant and healthy marriage but only one person to have a divorce -- sometimes there is simply nothing you can do to prevent it.

I promise you, however, that divorce is 100% survivable, and you can be very happy and thrive in it's wake -- almost everyone does eventually, and you come out a better person for what you've learned if you take the time to focus on you and address your baggage.

The success rate for second marriages is about 40% compared to 60% for first marriages (in the U.S.) There are lots of theories as to why second marriages are less likely to succeed. Here's mine: The first time you get divorced it is terrifying and you seriously worry about your survival. Therefore you're extra motivated to do whatever it takes to avoid it. Having been through it once, however, you learn that it *is* survivable, and what life after divorce looks like. I believe that this simple learning, that you will survive and be happy, makes people more willing to step out of second marriages and less willing to fight for them.

No matter what happens you will be fine. The opportunity life has handed you is the motivation to improve yourself. That motivation is hard to come by in the normal course of affairs, make the best of it!

[srt]

Thanks for your words of wisdom, I know I have to do this for me because there are no guarantees on what the outcome will be.
The hardest part I am finding is that there are children involved, and the complications this currently brings, and may do so in the future.
I think I'd be doing much better if there were no kids, I just keep thinking about how unfair it is for them - probably a negative cycle of thinking...
It's the detaching bit and validating I'm finding hardest to do.
I understand the point of detaching, but it's obviously tougher to do with kids, as I think the basic point is I'm not meant to care what my W chooses and not to be bothered by what she does, but am I meant to be "distant" or "cold" when talking with her? Or have I misinterpreted it?
The validating too seems tough as I'm not a natural at it!! Also our interaction is very much about actions/doing and doesn't really involve feelings that much.

Looking for tips on this and also the best approach to take in counselling - brutally honest? Validating? tough love? detached (not bothered about outcome)?

[Accuray]

I understand the point of detaching, but it's obviously tougher to do with kids, as I think the basic point is I'm not meant to care what my W chooses and not to be bothered by what she does, but am I meant to be "distant" or "cold" when talking with her? Or have I misinterpreted it?

You should not be distant or cold. There are two concepts at play here and they can be confusing. There is "The Last Resort Technique" mentioned in the book where you just "go dark" or stop communicating entirely and just withdraw all your emotional investment from the person 100%. Obviously with kids you can't go totally dark so that presents a challenge how you balance that. The point of that technique is not to punish the other person, but rather to give them the space they want entirely while at the same time establishing that you're not just going to sit on the shelf while they deal with their stuff. The thought is that (1) this will give them the emotional space to process their anger and move beyond it, which they won't do if you're constantly pursuing them, and (2) this will establish that you value yourself, and are someone to be valued, such that the wayward spouse will need to take some action to re-engage with you -- it's not a freebie. People value that what they have to work for and do not value that which is freely acquired.

Detaching, on the other hand, is just separating your emotional well-being from your wife's influence. That doesn't require you to be distant or cold -- just unaffected.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about this -- if you are texting with a friend of yours and they suddenly stop responding, it doesn't turn your day upside down. You don't spend the next hour wondering why they stopped responding. You just go on with your day and probably forget about it pretty quickly, and the next time you engage with them you probably don't even remember that happened. You are detached, your friend's failure to respond really didn't impact you at all.

That's what you're going for. Your wife is happy around you? Great. Your wife is a raving lunatic spewing hate at you? Too bad for her, your toes are still tapping. You wake up with a plan for how you want to feel today, what you want to do, where you want to be, and you do it and you stick to it, and it doesn't matter if she's at her place knitting or running through the streets of the town naked -- it just doesn't impact your state of mind.

She'll get the sense that she's not influencing your moods and that will be very freeing to her as she's not being pursued, and at the same time will be unsettling because you're no longer an insurance policy sitting on the shelf.

I don't necessarily believe you can just "will yourself to detach", it's something that will happen with the passage of time, but it's something you have to work towards and as Michelle says "act as if"

[srt]

thanks accuray, that's what I'd interpreted "detaching" as, just looking for ocnfirmation.
Already I feel better about my sitch, though that may be because I'm just starting a new thing again.
The difference is I know this one will help me regardless of the outcome!

Anyone else able to offer advice re counselling question - best approach to take in counselling - brutally honest? Validating? tough love? detached (not bothered about outcome)?
Have an upcoming session and want to make sure it is productive if possible.

[Cristy]

Hello srt,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

These are very specific questions regarding how to respond/act in counseling. Different strategies work best at different times.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Accuray]

Definitely use the DB coaching resources here -- they are priceless. Counseling is high stakes. Typically your wife will not share everything about how she's feeling and you will overshare.

Counselors I've spoken to say that couples usually come 4 years too late, at the point that one person is already "done" and is just coming to establish the other person as "wrong" or to help the other person find closure.

My best advice is to meet with the counselor 1:1 before going in with your wife and stack the deck. Talk about what you want to accomplish, what your wife is likely to say, ask how the counselor will respond. Tell the counselor what you want to stay away from. Get a sense for whether or not the counselor is going to help you or not and if not find a new counselor.

[srt]

my wife has recently been complimenting me (ie nice t-shirt, I like what you've done to car/house)

I've been acknowledging this by saying thankyou, and not really doing much else.
If this the DB way of dealing with this - I am unsure as to whether I'm being tested or anything else like she is trying to be nice - I guess it show she is noticing changes, and I'm trying not to "pursue" by echoing back.
Any thoughts?

[srt]

I should mention we have been in counselling for a few months, and it hasn't really made any progress so far, other than W initially aired her grievances, said she could not "forgive" them, and now states she does not want to come back or "try again".

Our counselling is not overtly pro or against any relationship, which annoys me, but tbh if it was pro I think she'd see right through it and either shut down or not attend.

I'm going at the moment not from a sense that I expect anything to change but rather that I'm willing to demonstrate I care, I'm prepared to change, and value the relationship.

The counsellor already know what I want to achieve, I'm just trying not to accelerate any "negative" changes from my perspective if W wants to change things from current separation.

[srt]

well, our counsellor has said currently not much more point in attending since W does not want to move back in, and does not want to progress to a D. We are starting to go over issues and round in circles rather than resolve anything.

in other news detaching is going really well, esp now I am seeing her becoming more angry and frustrated at the sitch she has put herself in. She knows I am ready to start workign on the M if she expresses an interest. Did some good DBing today when she blew up collecting the kids. Bit my tongue and then some validating later.

Off now to keep busy, starting to have no fear of the future no matter what it holds!