Need help please

[albac]

Yesterday was the first day of no contact at all. I had been trying to achieve this but most days she found some reason to contact me in some way. Although I know it had to be this way it also hurts a lot and I still can't get her out of my head for more then a few minutes. I guess all I can do is try to keep focus on me and my daughter and keep busy.

[1313]

albac,
as you go through these threads you'll get an idea of who stands a chance, and who is toast - or at least has a very long, ugly road.

Honestly, you guys are so young and new - I swear I went through this with my W. This all sounds pretty sane, and nothing scary that I see.

Read and re-read the DR. Use it. Do Cadet's homework. There's an awful lot of hope for you - I'd trade places in a heartbeat. If only to be 30 again!

Do the disconnect, do the as-if's, do the 180's where applicable. Let her pursue. You've got the advantage of time (I don't), and you are communicating (I'm not).

You've got your D to think about - every thing you're about to go through is for not only you, but her. Remember though, you've got to put your oxygen mask on first.

Disclaimer: Don't listen to a work I'm saying because I screwed up a 30 year marriage - or let it get screwed up. Do listen to me when I say you're in the right place, and the best people in the world are right here.

[1313]

work = word
ipad autocorrect = aghhh!

[albac]

Thanks 1313,
I know I am probably not in as bad of a situation as others on here. I am just trying to give my marriage the best chance I can and I think all the experienced and helpful people on this forum are the best chance I have.

Thanks again and if anyone has any experience or tips that can help me I am very grateful.

[albac]

Today Wife came over to pick up our D2 and came inside ended up staying for an hour we were talking fine having a laugh I was being friendly but only responding to conversation they she instigated. I thought it all went really well.

Two hours after she left my house she changed her name on Facebook deleting my surname. I know I really shouldn't care about this I just think it seems strange that she did it. Maybe she is trying to make me angry to create distance again? Or because I gave a strong impression that I was doing fine without her? I don't know it's hard to follow.

Any opinions welcomed.

[Accuray]

Often what happens with a walkaway spouse is that they will do a "touch and go" where they will briefly warm up and be nice to you, then when they leave they panic that they have given you the impression that everything is now okay and they will come back, so they double-down on the distance and in some cases vitriol.

Don't ride the roller coaster -- no one thing she does or doesn't do is going to make much of a difference at all. She'll say all kinds of things that could have a hundred different meanings.

Just do your thing and be the best person you can be. She changed her name on Facebook, she can change it back if she wants to. If there's one thing this experience should prove to you it's that feelings can change.

[Cristy]

Hello Albac,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Try not to put too much stock in social media. It is an easy way to get a quick reaction out of people. Don't take the bait! You can't believe any of what she says and only half of what she does.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[albac]

So since W moved out I have been using the tips and suggestions on here trying to detach and go as non contact as I can.

I believe I have been doing well only replying when she contacts me and not hanging on to conversation. I'm just wanting to know how others handle trying to go NC with children involved I think about seeing my daughter all the time but it involves me contacting W to organize it.

So I guess what I want to know is if I contact W asking to see my daughter does this go against everything I'm trying to achieve by going NC?

I hope everyone is having a good day. Stay strong.

[broke]

Albac,

My H moved out in October and we came up with a parenting plan together. We used a calendar and plotted it out until the end of the school year. We still have to communicate about items related to the kids, but, he doesn't need to contact me every time he wants to see them. So, it is easier to detach when it has already been set up. Hope that helps...

[albac]

Thanks Broke,
we have a phone app with a shared calendar that covers all of our arranged times this is more just for odd times that I have a day off work that was planned in advance but the calendar app has helped a lot.

Also I have been thinking about the financial side of things. I worked and brought in the money while she was a stay at home mum.
I have a well paying job and had no problem supporting the family. Since W left I haven't really worried about the finances I am still paying her phone bill as well as child maintenance and other things she needs.
Should I talk to W about her taking care of her own bills? Or will this push her away more?

It's a tough situation because she is so young and has never had to support herself it is a tough time for her that I really don't want to make harder but the other side is the harder it is maybe she will realize she didn't have things as bad as she thought? I'm just not sure how to go about it