Thanks Job, as I said I am very busy today. I did read some of the posts you pointed to me. It's amazing and most very scary. I tough that the "hurting" would be way gone by now.
But I see that standing for you marriage takes a lot more then just having some strength and desire to do so.
It takes such discipline and hits your core like a tornado. It goes to the bits of your human cell and makes you to reborn anew. There is so much change in this process that sometimes you feel so different and pure human that it is scary.
The most amazing thing to me is that life is taking another dimension of how I see people these days. It's like being naked, no attachments to foolish things. It's a deep understanding of energy and the absence of body.
Or I am going totally insane while walking this journey or I am finally realizing that I have been changing too.
I will read more and want to learn more about the reality that is behind all of this and why this happen to some human beings.
Love you for the info, you have been helping me along the way and giving me always good advice. It's also unconditional love because you give, just give with your heart. Thank you, thank you so much for your friendship.
Life has been busy, I continue moving forward and doing all what I need to do and have my plans on doing even more.
1. S21 is in psychotherapy and it is not going to be very easy, but its a process and at least he is moving in that direction. We have been talking a lot and his relationship with his dad is definitely improving.
2. S18 was accepted at the college of his choice, we did the Fafsa in good timing, did a lot of scholarships and are working on some other ones and now lots of more work to get him set up for moving. He is excited and seems like getting himself ready too.
3. S15 is kind of mixed up in his choices right now. Kind of a brat many times, he goes in cycles about attention and sometimes becomes high maintenance. Kind of mom's boy thing. Not very easy to deal with it since he is always on my tail. He always needs to know what, where and with who. It's a constant fear that he will lose me or something.
GAL: 1. Almost done with my divorce support group classes, next weekend is our last class and I am happy because I developed some great new friendships. The plan is to keep doing activities together as much as we can.
2. Did salsa class along with salsa social for the first time in my life and it was a lot of fun. I can and love to dance, but never actually learn the moves from salsa and it is great.
3. Went to happy hour with my divorce group.
4. Birthday celebration w/friends.
5. Also for the first time, I went to a cowboy dance party. It was a concert and there was lots of people. Had some guys asking me to dance and it was a lot of fun too. My friends were very supportive.
6. Plus church, friends, prayer group.
Plans: 1. Have a end of divorce group celebration were we are suppose to dress up for graduation day, will be fun.
2. Concert at a night club. Some local female singers will set up the tone for the night.
3. Christian concert with a friend from work building, its a large concert so it will be a blast.
4. Happy hour next Friday.
As a family plan: 1. Need to set up my kids PCP check ups for the year.
2. Look into the plans for S18 graduation and start the invitations going now that we have them.
3. Do something fun with them the coming weekend.
4. Start planning our trip to Virginia in the coming summer.
5. Need to get S15 and S18 appointments with an IC.
And the most important is that I decided to change jobs. I got to the conclusion that the owners of this company are little thinkers and they won't expand the business any time soon. They are still stuck in the control stuff. So, I am moving on. I need the money and I need to grow, it is time.
About XH:
Did a lot of crying this weekend. NYGal helped me and was very kind yesterday.
Throughout this time we have been exchanging a few texts about the church, kids, college, conferences. All friendly.
Then on Friday evening I was coming out of the door to clean something in my car and he was arriving at my house. He did not recognized me. I walked to my car and when he came out of his, he had a big smile on his face.
He said that I was looking amazing. I said thank you and then we chatted a little bit. He did not take his eyes from me. A couple that are friends with both of us came to the house too because they were riding with me and H was very nice with them. Well, he then found out that I was going to a birthday party.
When I came back S18 told me that they decided not to go to the mountains the next day and I asked what they would be doing. They did not know. They told me that XH maybe would be going to the mountains by himself. Well, since I had everything schedule to go away on Saturday, I called XH to find out his plans because we have a deal of always one parent is around just in case.
I texted and he did not answer. I called and he did not picked up. Next morning I called him early and told him that it can't continue this way. That if he wants to be a present parent in his kids life that he needs to act accordingly.
I told him that I need and I want to have my own time without any worries and headaches and it is just fair that I can too have a life. I told him I can't do it all by myself and that I am very tired of hanging in there and if he does not want to be part of it then he needs to let me know.
He was very apologetic saying that he understands me and that he did not have any intention to ruin my plans but he fell asleep and did not hear the phone.
Then he started saying that it's also not his intention to leave me with all the burden and that he knows how many times he did this. That he wants to be part of the kids life because they are important for him.
He said that I am a great mom and a great woman, and that the kids are lucky to have a mom like me. I told him that it's not even about being a great mom, it's for me to have a life and that I think that I have the right to have some fun and relax a little bit. That he invented this stupid divorce and then now he needs to face the consequences and do what he needs to do so I can have my own time to move on with my life.
Then he flips and starting saying that he regret his decisions, that he did not treated me the way he should have. That I am a great woman and he knows that he won't ever find anyone even close to a woman I am for him..
I said that I understand but it is what it is and since I have been respecting his decisions, I need to look into my life and do what is best for myself.
Then he says again that he regret his decision but he needs to live with it. That he wants me to be happy and that what most hurt him during the time that we were married was that I did not want and let him to love me. He was crying a lot on the phone.
I told him that I was really stupid and that I did not see that. That many times I just tough I was the last on his list. That he would come from his trips and there was a million things before me and to the time he would look at me, then I was already angry with him and would just go on my own way. I said I was stupid because I did not see or felt his attention.
He then said that everything he did was for me, that he never tough about anything else but me. That his whole life was me and only know he can see that he was very selfish and took me from granted and did not show his appreciation. Instead he just tough about and felt hurt when I would not let him to just love me.
Then I cried too. And he went on saying that he loves me, that he loves me with all his heart and he knows that he will never meet a woman like me. That he made a huge mistake and now he needs to live with it.
I told him that I respect his decisions, that I always did and always will, but this stupid divorce was not my idea, even when I actually asked for a divorce a few times before, I was just trying to get his attention. That I will do whatever it takes to be out of his way and follow my path but that I do not agree with the divorce. Maybe big mistake... but I said to him that I probably should be talking about his but that I found out I love him more then I tough I did. That at some point I was so depressed and empty that I could not feel how much I loved him and that now I know that I never loved someone like I loved him and will probably never love any person the way I love him.
I said that I need him to understand that one thing is to respect his decision and another is to agree with it and that I still do not want this divorce, that it was not right for me before and is not right for me now. That this is not what I want. But I am just respecting what he wants.
He then said that he wants to be my friend and I asked him why he was saying that since we are friends? He said that he would like to be more friends (???) that he is respecting that I asked for space but he does not want that. That he wants to talk to me more often, that he is missing to talk to me, missing to talk to his best friend in his whole life.
I said to him that if this is the case that I still have some of my Christmas Starbucks gift cards and that we could go for a coffee sometimes and talk. He said immediately that we need to do that, that he will be looking forward to that.
We also talked about the church, and he keep saying that he believes God has a plan for us. That I should believe that too. I asked if he was inviting me again to his church and he said no, that he was making sure I understand that he would like me to go and that I should feel free to go there if I want and that he won't have anything against it.
He told me about someone in his company that is getting divorce. This guy has the same family set up, with three boys almost the same age as ours. He said that he guy told him about a bitter divorce and then he told this guy about his and that at some point the guy asked said that he was still trying to understand why we got divorced in the same time. The XH said that he told this guy that he was very stupid and made a lot of mistakes and lost his family.
XH also mention that him and this guy talked a lot about finding out the value of a family when you do not have one. That he lives in his room and that sometimes he just don't want to do anything because he does not have the people he loves around.
Lots of tears around our 2 hour conversation.
Then XH comes to the house. I invited him to come inside. He said that he understand my boundaries and did not want to disrespect me. I told him it was fine to get inside because was too windy outside.
He comes in and apologize again for ruin my plans. Only this time he was right there and I knew it was not a mistake. He actually did this. And then explained to me how things happen and how it was such weird thing that he did not hear the two phones he has. That once again he ruin my plans and it was probably meant to be. I left it there, did no say anything. Yeah, right, it is always meant to be that when I have something schedule to go somewhere that he always do something to interfere in my plans.
It was nice talking to him. I made a cup of tea for him without him asking. We talked a bit about what has been happening in life. And I noticed that he has been doing this thing about getting really close to me and then walking away.
It's a weird thing. He comes to talk to me and gets really close, then he walks away and keep looking at me.
I am kind of a kid, it's part of my personality. I show my feelings. At some point we mention our conversation in the morning and I just gave him a big hug and kissed his cheek and said thank you so much for talking to me, that I was upset about my ruined plans but he made me feel better.
He smiled a me and for that instant it was like we me first met. I felt it was us from so long ago.
Towards the end when the kids were ready to leave with him, we walked to the door. I was inside and he was outside. We were very close and he said that the kids mention that he is looking old. I said that the kids can be very cruel and that he does not look back, that for me he is still very handsome. He said that he needs some moisturizer on his face but he is not really taking too good care after himself. I told him that he should, because he needs to be looking good for his next girlfriend. He then said that it will be a long time before he gets close to anyone again.
He said that his face is showing the signs of so much crying he has done lately, that he woke up to all what he did and is paying the price. I said nothing anymore. I put my hand on his face and caress it. He got even closer. When we said goodbye, we hugged and then when we kissed, he came to my mouth but I turned my face and kissed him in the face. He looked at me and smiled.
So, here is where I need help.
I don't know what to do. If I move I am afraid to ruin his timing. Maybe he is not saying all this because he wants to come back, maybe it is just some closure. He does seem like he wants to move on in his own way. He is not going crazy and inventing some excuses to see me more often.
He is traveling this week but will be back by the weekend, maybe I could ring him and invite for that coffee since I am the one with the Starbucks gift card. But what if it is too much and he says he does not want?
The easy way is to do nothing. Let him invite, let him move. Being frozen is safe.
I don't feel nervous or anxious around him anymore. I actually feel more comfortable around him then far from him. But what if I am understanding all this in a wrong way? He does not put all out there. He is not saying that he wants to work on something about us. He does not say anything that makes me be 100% sure he is moving in that direction.
By other hand I can't ignore that if he does not want to talk about us, then he would avoid it. I do not force him to talk about it or come to the house and be close to me. Why he allows me touching his face? This is not just a friend thing, we both know that this is some part of "US" in our relationship. He can just walk away and yet he does not.
A friend of my said that he wants to date me, just like teenagers and find out who is this person I am now. She said that I can't see but I am a lot different and better, light, fluffy, fresh.
Yesterday, the therapist from my divorce group said that I need to talk to him and ask what is his intention about wanting to talk to me. She said that she is pro marriage and think that I need to know his intentions because he can be thinking about coming back, or he may be looking for some closure and that will hurt me again.
I don't know. I do not feel like asking him because I really don't know what are my basis in asking such a question, he is not promising me anything, he just want to talk and be friends. How can I just ask what are his intentions?
I guess my insecurities are playing along with this too. I am afraid of being rejected again. I am afraid I am thinking there is a chance and all what he wants is to be my friend and not feel guilty anymore.
Sometimes I even question of how long he will be feeling guilty, maybe it is not. Maybe he really means when he says he regret what he did, regret his decisions but need to leave with it.
No Expectations - I would be a liar if I say I have none. I love him and I have expectations.
No guessing - I do this all the time because I am confused, he comes around then he goes away. And now he is doing this even physically, he comes close then moves away.
Yesterday talking to NYGal, she said that he is DBing me and doing a really good job. And I feel like this. I feel like he has been reading the books and even being in this board.
I came a long way doing what I need to do, following the advices, listening to you all and learning from you all, I have faith only on the people in this board. I do not want to mess up now, so I will wait for your advices of how I move from here. What can I do or not do.
Go to his church when he is there since he does not stop talking about it?
Call next week about that coffee?
Show him a glimpse of affection so he knows I still want him to love me since this is the one thing that he cries a lot about. And says that it is what did hurt him the most is that I did not let him to love me?
Sorry the long post. It's a soup opera I know. But this is my life.
By the way, there is one more thing I forgot. When XH was apologizing again for not answering the phone when I called on Friday night, he said that I should trust when he says he will take care after the kids and be around for them.
He actually caught himself right away and said: oh, not that you should trust me. I know I broke your trust long ago, but I am working on building that trust again with you. I know it is baby steps but I am really working on that.
Hey lovely P - don't apologise for a long post...it is always good to hear from you and I'm glad you're doing okay.
WRT your XH - why not invite him out for that Starbucks coffee in a week or two? Have a chat, catch up and so on. I think it may be a good idea to stay friends for now and not put pressure on him by asking about intentions. Just give yourself some time to see how steady and consistent he seems.
Otherwise, just keep being lovely Pink and living your life. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotto, I kind of think like you. I don't even see any purpose in asking for his intentions when I don't even know exactly about my own intentions.
It may sound crazy but I also want to know him a little better now. There is so much at steak right now.
Pink you are doing well. Take it day as it comes and try not to look too far into the future because it will change very quickly when you least expect it. The past is gone, the future is illusive and right now you have the gift of the present...use it wisely.
Please do not apologize for lengthy posts. Sometimes we have to get it all out there in order for others to understand and yes, even for you to go back later and re-read your thoughts, etc.
I hope things work out for your family. Your posting sounds like you've got things going in the right direction...all positives. Main thing...take care of yourself. Don't forget that you need to do this during your journey.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Anjo. Great to hear from you I agree with Sotto and Job , things are moving and XH is making all the right sounds The past is over and it's the future that's important The coffee sounds good and baby steps are the way to go
My view is XH wants to come home and I see nothing in your latest post to change my opinion. He is / was in MLC but he is coming out slowly
Your a great person and XH lost sight of this and lost himself , he sees what he's lost but he still needs to work on himself.
I think you handled the situation with the kiss perfectly and you opened up just enough. This is so tough and you want answers and the situation resolved quickly but that's not how it works
I keep saying it but I'll say it again , you have a of more control than you realise but you need to be careful with the control and use it gently
Thanks Job, your opinion has been a strong guide to my journey. And I see you can read between the lines I write. I still have a huge wound from the past, it is not healed and I think it will take some time to leave it all behind me.
I am hungry for resolution and eager for decisions. Future is very uncertain and it bothers me a lot. But looking into reality, future is just a projection of our dreams and nothing is guaranteed in this life, even life on itself.
The best and most productive is to look into the "now" and "today" as you say. Take the most of this experience and learn my own values.
Sweet RD, as usual you are always very kind with me. I don't know anymore if it is my view of things or if my XH is really moving towards coming home.
I hear all what he is saying but I do not see much actions. He is working on himself as he says it. But he is not even close of thinking about others. For example, he is very proud of his kid going to college but he put about two hours to help out and did almost nothing.
He wants to know the reports about S21 and his doctor's appointments, but does not offer to talk about w/the kid or even go with him sometimes just to share that moment, give some moral support.
He is always talking about football, but do not make extra time to throw a ball at the park or participate in S15 activities to fundraise his football trip to Florida.
His activities with the boys is just taking them to eat out, go to a movie.
He still does not understand what it is to "LOVE" someone, to give yourself in order to gain the love of others. In all this pain, he is yet just thinking about himself, his pain, his sacrifices. I love him, but I am not blind that he needs to change further in order to have a decent life for himself.
For me, I still don't see him doing the extra mile to gain my trust, my affection. He comes around and say a bunch of words but he is not moving towards me. He is just moving around me.
Sometimes, I even think that he still have some emotional dependency on me and that's why he needs to come around time to time. To gain that courage that he lacks. That self confidence that somehow I have inside of me.
The truth is that XH is not the right man to be in love with. I have been questioning myself if it is really worth to rescue a R with someone like him. I fear that sometime into a new R, he will fall back into old habits and go back into a huge shell of selfishness.
I am doing what I need to do for myself and for my kids. It may not be perfect but it is what I can do. I know my values and yet in a turmoil of emotions I can always go back to my core and see myself.
There is some fear inside of me of being used once again. That XH is just using my caring to bring himself into his new single life. So, all what I can do is to be careful I do not offer much, do not try to solve any of his issues, leave him alone to deal with his life and if he decide to move towards me then just be.
It's difficult, hard work to be hanging in there. Sometimes it feels like just giving up on everything and let it go for good. No more affliction. I can even feel it is changing inside of me. I am simply getting tired of all this.
We will see. I still think that if he wants to come back or even develop a new R with me, that he needs to give the first step in that direction. I get a little mixed up because I know what I did during my marriage and I know how cruel it can be when someone just give up on you and I did that to XH. I had my reasons behind my behavior, but I made many mistakes that made our R to die.
I guess time will decide for me. I know I am not ready to face a R with anyone else right now. So this is just that, a present time that there is room for XH, some months from now things can be very different and who knows what may happen.
I also need to deal with the peer pressure right now. I have some girlfriends and are like sisters and they are worried about me. They think I need to close that door forever and give myself a chance to meet someone else. It's hard, I feel like in high school again. I will probably start writing more because then I won't talk much with my friends anymore. I know they care about me and that's why they think XH is just toying with me, but they say things that sometimes get me even more confused.
You guys are all what I have right now. It's like the people that actually speak my language. I am very grateful I ever came to this board because no matter what you are there to support me and give me courage to face the next day.
It's amazing how much I work on me just that you will all be proud of me. I love the psychological side of it and the impact it has made in my life. You are all very amazing and it will go with me forever, it is part of my history.
Pink, quit listening to your girlfriends! They're not in your shoes, and only you and XH know the true dynamics of your relationship. You said that you made mistakes in the marriage. Have you changed? Yes you have!! Did you get new information from him that can help you on your journey? Yes, he told you that he missed having your attention, and that you didn't let him in. Can you change that? Yes!
So why not believe that he can change too? When we lose what we love and value most, it's a great motivator for change. He changed when he went from being the loving man you married to the idiot husband who cheated on you. I firmly believe that we all are capable of change. It's what we work on all the time!
He is asking for your forgiveness, not just saying he's sorry. He has said there is no better woman for him than you. You still love each other. You are piecing!!!!
IMHO you might want to consider dating him. Wait at least ten days and see if he makes the next move about the coffee date. If not, then go ahead and ask him. Have fun! Laugh! Flirt like only you can! No promises, no big changes. Just give him a chance.
We're on this site because we believe that marriages that worked for a long time have a better chance of becoming better than finding someone else to start a new marriage with. He's not perfect and never will be. Neither are you. (But you're close!!)
Pink, I'm absolutely thrilled, and I'm so optimistic for you. You can do this. You are so wise. You know how, and you know what it takes.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
