[ciluzen]

Hi Bright! I've been lurking...but I thought I'd weigh in as someone who still likes to help my H once in awhile. I agree with everyone else; if it is what you would do for a friend, if he's not taking advantage of you, and if you feel just fine about it, then go ahead. We're not trying to punish our spouse or cause them to think they were smart to leave. I think if we leave them with good memories of each interaction, then they are going to have a harder time remembering why it was they needed to run in the first place.

[HaWho]

I think this is an interesting MLC topic: the line between building a friendship and enabling cake eating.

Yes, we should only do the things we want to do. However, the problem to me, is that my MLCer often expects me to do things that no friend would normally expect of me. Christmas shopping is one example. My h expected me to do his Christmas shopping for him. Yes, this would probably make him feel more friendly toward me. But would any of my friend's ask this of me?!? Uh - that would be a resounding no!!

MLC comes with a heavy ladle, overspilling with entitlement.

[ciluzen]

That's an interesting request...Christmas shopping. I had always done all of the shopping for H, except for his presents to me. This year I told him, since he had moved out, that I had gotten presents for our D's and his parents...but I wrote on the cards "from me" only. He thanked me for the warning and gave the kids gift cards, but never got even a card for his parents. Or me.

I think sometimes we feel that because its a habit or expected, that it is our job. But really, are you doing something because its a nice thing to do for anyone, or are you going above and beyond to curry favor?

[HaWho]

Ciluzen- good on you! I also kindly forewarned my h I would not be doing his shopping. I told him it felt off. He shopped for his whole family. I think it was good for him as it is a time consuming task that one can take for granted when presents just appear, beautifully wrapped. (Amazon wrapped all his presents!)

MLC and crazy entitlement go hand in hand.

[BrightFuture]

Thanks you mleigh, HaWho, peacetoday, 2T, Irish, bttrfly, ciljuzen for stopping by and for the kind wishes. I feel much better now. I went to work on Friday, but was so miserable, that my manager told me to go back home and have some rest. Which I did. I did do some work online though, and then took a nap. Then I slept in on Saturday. I think I needed this rest so badly. It did the trick. I went grocery shopping on the afternoon and even joined a happy hour/get together in the neighborhood. I didn’t stay too long, but had a great time.

bttrfly, thank you for the virtual soup! It helped too!

I don't know about you, but I get a bit confused about where the line is between being a good friend and allowing h to cakewalk, meaning doing things for H that I would do without thought or question for a friend vs enabling or being taken advantage of.

I think if you are ok with it, then it's not being taken advantage of ... couldn't it be a reminder of what it's like having you on his side? I don't know it I'm making sense here, as I'm really tired, so forgive me if I don't make sense.

You are making perfect sense. I see that a lot of us, LBSs, here get confused about that line… And, as everyone pointed out, if it feels right to do things for H, then it should be ok. I was not taken advantage off, I offered my help, like I would to a good friend. And I was thinking the same thing that it could serve as reminder that we used to be a great team with H and I always took care of him.

I think if we leave them with good memories of each interaction, then they are going to have a harder time remembering why it was they needed to run in the first place.

Ciluzen, this is a great point! I’m really curious what kind of excuses H is pulling out these days when explaining to people why he left the marriage, especially to people who know me, LOL.

HaWho, good point about Christmas shopping and other things that they EXPECT us to do. I think you would be right to push back on this when you don’t feel like it. My H used to expect me to do a lot of things. I don’t see this as much anymore (well, maybe just with his mail, LOL), I think he is realizing now that I don’t have to do things for him. He is very polite and thankful for the most part now.

Here are some updates.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from my first xh (my son’s father) with the subject “Happy March 8th” and an attached card… with roses and a poetry, wishing me a Happy Women’s Day (Which is March 8th and celebrated widely in Europe)… He used to send this to his long list of women friends, where I was also included. Not sure if this was the case this time as well, but it was kind of weird, because I was not a part of the distribution list for a few years. Not sure what this is about… Just makes me suspicions if he needs something from me or from my son again…

This is interesting because a couple of days before that I came across a site and was thinking to sign up for a meditation course called “Break the Grip of Past Lovers”. I’ve been having these weird dreams recently, where I go from seeing my first xh, then my BF after him, then my H, all mixed in some kind of unrealistic sequence of events. So, when I saw that course, I thought that this is the time for me to start ridding myself of the “impact of past lovers” (this is what they advertise for this course.) This would include H as well. I’m really starting to feel like I am ready to move on and be open for something new in my life.

Then… this morning, I received a long text from H. He said he wanted to thank me again for the setting up the car rental and that it worked out great. He told me that he is back to the state where he normally works and the condo is available for me to use again. He said that he thinks he will be back around the beginning of June for a week or so (hmmmm… this is around my B-day…), and then he asked me to send him a company file. I totally didn’t expect this at all. He already thanked me a couple of time for the car rental arrangement… And I totally didn’t expect him to “offer” me the condo like that. The good news is, I’m still allowed to use it, LOL.

I replied back saying that I’m glad that car rental arrangement worked for him, thanked him for letting me know about the condo, and that I would send the company file shortly. I don’t know, but for some reason this H’s text made me feel good. Maybe because I’m treated like a human being again… and not like a subject that is just part of the business. I think he is actually trying to make an effort to be nice to me. Does it mean I’m in a category of a good friend now?

Interesting thing is that it didn’t make me to up my hopes again. I found myself thinking that I have this rope in my hand, but I’m not holding to it anymore. If H would yank this rope out my hand now, I would just let it go… But… it seems like he tries to not disturb it at the very least…

Going back to work tomorrow. It should be a good week! I will be getting the full bonus for the last year and little bit of a wage increase!

Have a great week, everyone!

[bttrfly]

nice! all good stuff. yes, i know the course you are talking about. i too have seen the ad. there is quite a point there worth looking at, i think. keep going, Bright, you're doing great! xoxoxo
(glad the soup helped)

[2Times2Many]

I just wanted to pop in and say hello, Bright.

I know what you mean about how nice it is to be treated like a human being again. It brings a bit of peace to the sitch, doesn't it? Being treated like a friend sure beats being treated like the mother of all enemies! It's so much easier to get a handle on your own life when you aren't having to battle the negativity that a MLCer can throw your way as well. It allows us to step outside MLC land and turn the focus onto ourselves and our own journey.

Keep being that friend and perhaps h's effort to be nice will continue to grow. I think you're doing great. I get a lot of inspiration from you.

I hope you're having a good week. I've been dealing with computer issues most of the week.

[BrightFuture]

bttrfly, I haven’t signed up for the course yet. I’ve been busy with work, more work, some social activities, and still kind of recovering from whatever I had last week (I think it was flu.) I will let you know what I get from the course when I complete it. I’m not expecting it to be some kind of magic, but anything helps, right.

2T, I could not say it better. It is a lot easier to breathe when you don’t have to deal with that point blank indifference from MLCer. I have a pretty good self-confidence in general, but this cold treatment by H was getting under my skin. Actually, it’s been about a year since H started getting really nice and polite with me. And I’m still kind of surprised every time he communicates with me. I guess, I’m still waiting for another shoe to drop, LOL. But, I don’t make anything out of it anymore. Maybe I should…

I have an impression (my intuition tell me this) that H has been trying to be extra polite and helpful… Instead of cutting the ties with me, he is actually trying to keep those ties… I’ve got another e-mail from him this morning… He forwarded me an e-mail from American Express, asking him to provide the info to additional card member (me) and confirm that we received our cards. These are the cards that we normally use at Costco. I know that H has not been using his for other stuff, and he rarely uses it at Costco. He is a primary card holder. I use this card when I shop at Costco and also for Costco gas. The bill comes to me and I pay it. H had only used the card a couple of times, and then transferred the money to me for his part of the bill.

I was under impression that he didn’t want the card anymore and these couple of times when he used it was by “accident” (meaning he didn’t have cash on him, LOL.)

So, in his e-mail he tells me that he received his card (yeah, I mailed the envelope to him) and activated it and that this e-mail is about my card. ????? What????? I thought he wanted to get rid of the “extra” credit cards, to simplify his life… Plus, it would be a logical thing to get out of the joint accounts, right!??? This is just another thing that he is trying to maintain that connects him to me (besides the XM radio, car insurance, joint bank account, AAA membership, etc.) I’m thinking now that this is for a reason… I just need to figure out what reason… Or, not… I don’t need to figure it out… I’m just observing…

I haven’t replied to his e-mail yet. I’m just too busy… I had a happy hour with folks from work on Wednesday, then yesterday I had a lunch with the guy who wants me to do some consulting work for him (I did some projects for him before), and today I got invited to a St. Patrick’s Day parade that is happening tomorrow with two of my GFs. We are riding on a fire truck!!! I’m not kidding! This should be so much fun!

[Sotto]

Hi Bright, yes as you say it does sound as though he doesn't want to fully sever the links. It's strange isn't it as in 'normal' circumstances, a spouse would probably want to move on fully. But there isn't much normal about MLC is there?

I must admit, I'm unsure about providing so much helpful support. I'm more of the opinion - well, you wanted to leave the M, so you can 'do' for yourself H. But, who knows it may pave the way for possible R somewhere down the line and my harder line approach may not serve me well. I guess it is the 'doormat' (I'm your personal asst) aspects that trouble me, but in my sitch the R with OW is very much ongoing, so circumstances are different.

I'm glad that your H is being more polite and helpful though and glad you are feeling better too. Hope you have a great weekend xx

[job]

Bright,
There is no rhyme or reason for what they do. However, I personally think that he wants you to be involved in the accounts, because you monitor them and are the reliable "mom" that will ensure that they get paid or remind him to pay them.

Also, you've not rocked his boat about what his intentions are or pushed him to cut the ties, therefore, he can afford to be nice to you from afar, i.e., after all, you've been doing a lot of stuff for him and as long as he's got someone doing this stuff for him, why would he want to think about cutting ties?

At some point, you'll need to do a pulse check to see where his mind is at. Don't be afraid to try something different. Sometimes we have to do this to help them see that we are moving forward and aren't waiting around for them to say "I'm sorry and I want to come home". In many cases enabling them is not helping them to grow up and become mature individuals who can be responsible and accountable for their actions.

So, what's on your agenda this weekend that you are doing for YOU?