SANDI can you please explain to me on how to DB in a in house separation. Or at least the guidelines per say. I thought i read somewhere that you said it's almost impossible.
I can't recall an in-house separation from a wayward wife that was reconciled. IMHO, it is not a true separation.......b/c the only thing separated are the beds, and in most cases, they weren't having much sex, anyway. I have read where some couples who claim to be S are still sleeping in the same bed! So what is actually S in that case? There are no ground rules. They all live in the same house, eating together, watching tv together, attending the kids school activities together, and he continues with the financial support. She gets all the advantages of being married to him, without any disadvantages. She can still do whatever she pleases, and if he protests, she throws up to him they are separated. So, it's like the H is providing her with all these benefits while she tells him to go to he11.
If the W is wayward, and if they are calling themselves separated, I personally think he stands a better chance of reconciliation if he was not living in the same house with her. For her, nothing really changes when there is an in-house separation. If she has an OM, then she can conduct her A, while her H stays out of hair. It gives her playing time for the OM to decide what he's going to do (divorce his W, marry your WW, run away together, or whatever). And from what I have read, the LBH is usually eager to please and he's knocking himself out trying to win her back. Instead of her gaining respect for him, she disrespects him worse. She just thinks the H is a fool for putting up with the cr@p she dishes out. She knows that he still want to save the M, and if OM doesn't work out......the LBH will still be there.
If she sees her H living in his own place (not sleeping on a friend's couch, staying with his parents, etc.) and GAL, she has more reason to consider the possibility she could lose him. If she has to split her time with the kids, keep her own house clean, cook her own meals, be responsible for getting out of bed to take care of her kids, and pay her own expenses, she may start to see how things could be without her H. As long as he is in the same house, she takes him for granted. It's pretty hard to be that strongly attractive male if she takes him for granted.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
we actually had a lawyer friend sit down with us when I decided to move out 4 weeks ago. she said she wouldn't accuse me of abandonment in front of him as a witness. I told him today I wanted to move back in because I feel guilty about leaving my kids. Plus the fact I'm sleeping on a friends couch.he said he didn't see an issue legally, but warned me she's going to be super pissed. I really don't give a rats ass at this point if she gets pissed.
Is your friend a divorce lawyer though? Family law is very different from corporate law, as my lawyer friends tell me. I would be very careful about your situation. What she said with witness doesn't hold much water in custody battles. In most states, moving away even temporarily will mean you give up a lot of your rights as a parent. Consult a divorce lawyer (usually they'll do the first session for free) and make sure you have your ducks in a row.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I can't recall an in-house separation from a wayward wife that was reconciled. IMHO, it is not a true separation.......b/c the only thing separated are the beds, and in most cases, they weren't having much sex, anyway. I have read where some couples who claim to be S are still sleeping in the same bed! So what is actually S in that case? There are no ground rules. They all live in the same house, eating together, watching tv together, attending the kids school activities together, and he continues with the financial support. She gets all the advantages of being married to him, without any disadvantages. She can still do whatever she pleases, and if he protests, she throws up to him they are separated. So, it's like the H is providing her with all these benefits while she tells him to go to he11.
Sandi, you might be right about the relationship part, but what JB needs to watch out for is his legal and custodial rights. If his W files for D, it will be very easy for her to get full custody since he has moved out.
I'm in about the same boat right now, my WW filed but has not moved out as her lawyer is coaching her on a financial scheme.
She never asked me to move because the house has always been in my name only, and she has been finding out just how hard it is to go out on her own. Obviously, I was not going to move out since I'm not the one who cheated. Hopefully it will make her come to her senses.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I am not sure how it will work for JB since his kids are younger. But, I have two teenagers and I've been told he will get 50% custody if he wants it even though he moved out of the marital home months ago. I think you need to consult a couple family law attorneys because custody is very important. Then, factor it into your DB strategy. Good luck
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Oh I agree about protecting himself legally. My previous post was simply trying to respond to the question he asked about DBing when he's in-house separation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for answering my question sandi. Unfortunately I broke a bunch of rules the last couple days. Mostly let my wife pull me into heated arguments. We both have said some real hurtful things the last couple days. I'm basically taking a time out.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
Wife says she wants a separation or divorce ASAP. I move out or she moves out with (kids). Is here stance. She says she is having panic attacks and that I got to get away from her immediately. I'm looking at getting a apartment, but if I do I told her we've got to see a lawyer to fill out some sort of separation agreement. FLORIDA doesn't have a legal separation law. Any thoughts. I don't want to make things any harder on my kids if possible.
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
I understand what you are saying. Many times we say things out of a deep pain and fear that we regret later. Sometimes we say things, thinking we will bluff the other person, and it comes back to bite us. Most of us have probably been guilty of doing those type actions, to some degree.
I hope you will take what I am about to suggest in the right way b/c I don't know if this is an ongoing problem. If you have a tendency to say mean things when you get into a situation with your W, I recommend you talk to your IC and seek a way in learning how to "fight fairly", without going for a vital organ with your sharp words. I was once told that I could shed a person like a head of cabbage and never use a ugly word. So.....I get where you are coming from.
I may not be able to tell you what to do to get your W back, but I can probably tell you a lot of things that don't work. You have already figured out what you were doing was accomplishing nothing but putting you in an early grave.
This is not going to be something you want to hear, so brace yourself. In all honesty, I do not see her changing her mind right away. I think she has been planning this for some time. That's not to say she will never change her mind! The pattern most women make is to get out on their own (or at least away from the H), have time to experience some freedom, experience or see what they have lost......and miss what they've lost. That usually takes time. The more anyone pressures her to stay with you, the more she is going to resist it. You have to turn lose and let her learn for herself.
I realize this may be taking away your breath and you are hearing "throw in the towel", however, that is not what I'm saying, okay? You need to utilize this time of separation by doing several things. Get a grip on that fear of yours. I think you may benefit reading a book called, Co-dependent No More. Also, if you have not read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you can download it free on the Internet. Hold on to Your N.U.T.S. is another recommendation. These are not relation-type books, but they are for the individual man who may not realize how he is hurting himself, due to being too nice......co-dependent, or whatever.
Don't just read to be reading, but digest it as if your life depended on you learning how to change into a better, stronger, more attractive type of male. Then go to work on what you learn. Not just changing the outside, but mainly making improvements in your mindset. Getting a life is something most newcomers seem to want to neglect, but the survivors here on the board will tell you that getting a personal life that does not involve your spouse is vital to improving yourself as a person, in detaching, becoming more interesting, more well-rounded, build confidence and healthier self-esteem, and overall just a happier outlook. That can be a real challenge for a person in the kind of pain of you are experiencing. Every LBS on the board can identify with your pain, and they started GAL by making themselves do it, whether they wanted to or not.
Not the kind of advice you were wanting, huh? I know, and I wish I had the magic formula, and I am giving you as close to any magic as you will get in these type of situations. Back away from her and do not try to date her, phone her, find excuses to see her. The more you pursue, the faster she'll go in the opposite direction. Yes, she's angry......all WW's are angry. That is another reason you need to keep your distance, and let give her lots of time to cool off. I am talking a lot of time! You can still have your kids over, but you don't need to be going over there. Make sense?
Appearing happier, more relaxed and in control can go a long with a woman's feelings. As long as she sees you angry, uptight, afraid, threatening, crying, depressed, etc...........the more she will want to escape. However, if you are pleasant, not asking a lot of questions, or making any emotional demand on her......she may begin to relax, also.
Don't let her take advantage of you, b/c that works against her respecting you. One of the main things you will need to accomplish in order to have a successful MR, is to have her respect. A woman has to respect her H as a man, before she can feel love for him as her H. So, don't try to nice her back, or become a doormat.....thinking you ate making up for what you've done or said to her. Get your focus on the "respect" and don't worry about showing her how much you love her. This is not really about showing how much you love her. I know she gave you some excuses for her wanting out, but all women do it. They feel they owe the H some mind of excuse.......even if they have to make it up! It seldom has anything to do with the real issue at hand, however. So again, don't get too out of balance over what she said.
Even if she doesn't see that much out of you, she will hear about you. She'll know you are not sitting home pinning away for her, and that you ate going out and GAL. You see, most of the time, it's just the opposite of what men think, that really catches the interest of his woman. Men and women do not think alike. So, get you a calendar and start filling in the days with various things to do. Make the most of this time you have. When you have the kids, give them fun memories to keep with them. You can do it. Sure, you don't feel like it at the moment, but you have to make yourself do these things, if you want a chance at a better future, and hopefully, your W wanting to come back to you. After a little while, I hope you'll see how this is not just about getting her back again, but to make yourself happier.
I will come back with more, but I will end this post for tonight. Don't give up. These things take a lot of time.
So I've been reading over all my post. This one jumped out at me. The bold text is what's concerning me. I'm having a real hard time trying to figure out exactly how long I'm willing to wait. A friend of mine told me early on that he wouldn't be surprised if I file for divorce first. At the time I thought he was crazy. Was he? I'm only a week into the separation, and it truly wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'd like to hear some thoughts on how long the LBS should wait. I understand that this a personal decision. Just interested in everyone's thoughts
Me-LBH, 44 Spouse-WAW, 41 Married for 9 years S, 7 S, 5 BD - November 20th 2015
