2016 a New Year - getting out of my own fog

[bttrfly]

I am so impressed that you have a detailed list that she signed off on. WELL DONE!
As for the mess, yep - it's her party and she can clean up the mess she made. Just keep being the awesome man and dad you are to your girls. They are so very lucky to have you.

xoxoxo

[OneLessWife]

Any updates IM

[Irish M]

Hi One

I was in Atlanta for a could days working on a business deal. I love the south. Great people and food. I always get a kick out of them telling me I'm the one with the accent. The charm of the people there is amazing.

My daughters spent some time with my parents and took care of the dogs. Love my girls. I missed them so so much. It made me think of STBXW not seeing them for 8 months now.

No news from STBXW or her lawyer after I sent out the details of her relationship with the girls through all this. I stopped at 40 points. it was from the neglect when she lived here to her bad mouthing them 2 weeks ago. And the verbal abuse in between.

I left out things she did to me. but i included things i did to help her regain the girls. psychologist , youth center help etc.

It's funny I thought I would get a reply but then again I didn't expect one as well. I'm at the point where I don't care.

I am welcoming the divorce now. It's a step that must happen for me. If it shakes her cage then great. STBXW has a long road to travel if she wants back into her family's life.

It may seem like I am over my STBXW, I'm not. I do have memories and flash backs of amazing times with her. In the end I will always have those with me. She can't take those away ever. Even if she tells me that the past 10 years was fake. I miss her and the next person I get in my life will have major shoes to fill. I won't go for anything less.

I hope everyone is well. Keep posting your sitchs, they do help so many (me included). They especially help the unknown lurkers that are hear reading them because they are trying to understand their own H or W who have joined the MLC club. Best help I got was joining this forum and connecting with some amazing people.


Irish

[job]

I love the south to, i.e., Atlanta. It's a great place to visit and the people are very friendly. Spring is a beautiful time down there. I do hope you get to go back again soon and can enjoy the Atlanta spring.

I'm glad your girls spent some time w/your parents and were able to care for the dogs. They were well taken care of and I'm sure spoiled just a wee bit while you were gone.

As for the info you sent about your STBXW and her interactions w/the girls, it may take some time for her lawyer to track her down and, of course, she'll deny most of what you sent them...but you've got the proof, i.e., texts and emails, etc. She'll feel pinned to the wall, but that's okay, because she's going to have to eventually realize that her actions have consequences. I'm so sorry that she's been MIA w/the girls. Gosh, she can't get back that time she's not been there w/them.

I do understand how you feel about the divorce and yes, it's a step that you need to finalize things and continue moving forward w/your life. We all had some great times w/our spouses, but they sure do make it tough for us to remember them when they are acting out.

Take care of yourself and those beautiful girls.

[mleigh4]

Irish, I have to say, I am so impressed that with everything going on, you are able to remember the good times with your W. That struck me, and is really something I needed to hear right now, because I am buried in bad memories right now of H and his parents, and I can literally feel the effect it has on me. Your comment reminds me to refocus, so thank you for that.

I am glad you had a nice trip and break away. I am sure your girls missed you just as much! You continue to be an inspiration, of unconditional love and strength.

Hope you have a nice weekend.

[ciluzen]

IrishM, I am one of those "lurkers" that your posts have helped.

Your attitude about your situation and the calmness that can be sensed in this latest post is inspirational. I'm at the point where I have been questioning every good memory I had of my relationship. During one of my early R talks with my H, he said that any good memory I could bring up of our marriage, he could bring up something bad that happened during it. For some reason. lately, that statement has held a lot of power over me. I think after your post, I will find that strength to let his words go. We did have some amazing times, too.

Thank you for taking the time to post your story as it unfolds.

[Irish M]

I do understand how you feel about the divorce and yes, it's a step that you need to finalize things and continue moving forward w/your life. We all had some great times w/our spouses, but they sure do make it tough for us to remember them when they are acting out.

Hey Job, always good to hear from you.
Yes its a step forward. For her as well. She wants this so bad now and running is her thing. Our marriage needs to end.

My parents do spoil the girls. More with love than anything else. Also they listen to my D`s when they speak. They are the ultimate grandparents.

you are able to remember the good times with your W. That struck me, and is really something I needed to hear right now, because I am buried in bad memories right now of H and his parents, and I can literally feel the effect it has on me. Your comment reminds me to refocus, so thank you for that.

Hi Mleigh (((hugs)))
I am glad you can refocus, it is so important not to dwell on what is going on. Memories are filled with love. I can honestly smile at some of the memories that dance in my head. I focus on continuing those with my D`s. The only sadness I carry now is STBXW is missing out. I remind myself constantly that she is not well. NC helps trust me. I don`t see what she is doing and I don`t care to.

I had an amazing weekend thanks. This weekend I`m bringing the girls indoor wall climbing. I got a GoPro camera and I hope to capture some great moments.

IrishM, I am one of those "lurkers" that your posts have helped.

Your attitude about your situation and the calmness that can be sensed in this latest post is inspirational. I'm at the point where I have been questioning every good memory I had of my relationship.

Hi Ciluzen, It`s nice to meat a lurker :-) thanks for your nice comments.

I am truly sorry you are here. I am glad however you found this forum. will read up on your situation and help if i can . There are so many here and so many different situations. All have the same base though. You have to stop questioning your marriage.

Your Husband could of been married to anyone and it would of still happened. You did nothing wrong. He is broken not you. They tend to pull out the bad moments and usually they add to them, exaggerate and blow it up so big that we don`t even recognize that event. He`s justifying his reasons the marriage isn`t working.

You were married 25yrs. Yes I assure you that you did have amazing times. Your D`s are proof of that. Show them what a strong woman you are and hopefully your H realizes HIS mistake.



So of course no news from my STBXW or her lawyer. I sent in my counter offer and I am hoping she accepts it so we can spare spending any more money with lawyers. Funny thing is we are close to the same agreement as we had at mediation. This weekend its wall climbing .. I`ve done it but I want to initiate the D`s to it. Amazing work out.


take care everyone.

Irish

[AJM]

Irish, I'm always amazed at your posts. I don't come by often, but it's nice to see the posts.

I kind of chuckled at the being close to an agreement. I snorted a little when you mentioned it was almost the same agreement as at mediation. Why did I chuckle? Because that's how it went for me as well. In my state, it requires a year of sep before you can file. She took it to the day and signed everything I had long ago agreed to. I took the approach of "if you want it, you do it" and she wrote the agreement before not wanting to sign it I recall laughing about it one day because it was all so ridiculous on balance. I also made sure I was only interested in the stuff around the kids. The rest was really unimportant to me. So I made a few minor adjustments as it was part of the "game" of back and forth. In the end, her lawyer was trying to help me! Go figure.

All that to say, don't expect rational behavior or integrity (do what you say) from her. No expectations. If you step back a little, you may see where the agreement will end up long before you get there. It's kind of predictable when there's no rational thought on one end. And when you let go of expectations of rational thought, it takes the pressure off of you. Patience. Slow and steady patience is about all you'll do that will be effective as long as you have zero expectations.

Keep up the good work and enjoying the time with your daughters. Try not to feel sad for very long at your ex's choices. Hope that she gets herself better and you can make different choices if that happens. It will be a long time if it happens, so don't miss out on the present feeling sad for very long. It's ok to enjoy the gifts and people you have right now instead.

Peace,

AJ

[BrightFuture]

Irish, just stopping by to say hi. I know what you are talking about when you mention the good memories with your W. I was looking at the old photos (before the BD) yesterday, and what I saw was a happy family. It is just not possible to believe that H was unhappy for a number of years by looking at these photos. And, I like you, appreciate what we had back then. I was trying to suppress these memories for a while, because it was too painful. I think I’m in a better place right now. This is such a great feeling to me, to be able to look back and realize that we did have a good life together.

As always, I’m very impressed with your ability to handle the situation and be a great support for your Ds. I do wish the best for you and your D’s.

[Sotto]

Hi Irish, it sounds like you are in a healthy place if you are reaching the point where you can look back fondly at the good parts of the M. For me (and for a good while) it was just too painful to think about any of that as I had lost it all. But I find I can do that more recently, which is good.

Glad to hear you and your Ds are doing well. It sounds as though you have accepted D will happen (D is just around the corner in my sitch.) I think some sitches really have to go all the way and who knows if or when someone's spouse may begin to wake up and smell the coffee? I figure that could well happen for any of us at some point - but there is plenty of living to be done in the meantime, and it sounds as though you are doing just that.

Take care my friend & have a great weekend with those lovely daughters xx