Hi everyone, I have been reading about people's situations on this forum for a couple of weeks trying to find help and tips for my current situation. I feel it's time for my own and see what everyone thinks about my situation.
My wife of 2 1/2 years moved out 3 weeks ago. I knew something had to happen I could feel the build up for a while we were both not very happy. The last week she was at home she was struggling to get any sleep and I would ask why she would say "I can't turn my head off" then eventually one night she said she wasn't happy at all and was grumpy all the time and didn't like the person she was. She was very upset and neither of us slept that night. The next morning she moved to her parents house.
We have been together 5 1/2 years and lived together for most of that. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter. The last couple of years have been very tough due to my wife's health conditions we had to use IVF to have our daughter it took a lot of time,money and stress.
So my current situation is wife has moved into her own apartment with our daughter moved in a week ago. Says she's not happy and ILYBNILWY. I have been following ideas and tips on here I'm trying to give her time because I think she is confused about what she really wants in life right now, I asked about counseling and she said " let's give it a month or two and if we both want to we can" I have been trying for the last few days to have no contact so she has a chance to see how she feels without me but everyday she finds a reason to contact me but then turns it so it's like I needed to speak with her. I am 30 and my wife is 25. I really think she has had a lot of stress and in her head is starting to question her whole life and isn't sure what she wants. I know this is going to take time and I'm not expecting any miracles where she just shows up back at home like nothing happened. Any ideas welcome. Thankyou
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
"let's give it a month or two and if we both want to we can"
She's telling you exactly what she wants -- your best bet is to do that. Give her space for a months or two, limit contact as you have been doing, and do your own thing.
I know it's *crazy* painful, but put a date on your calendar for two months from now, at which point you'll reassess, and in between now and then *do nothing* to overtly work on your relationship. Just give her the space she wants.
Go out and do your own thing, take care of you, take care of your daughter.
Anything you do to pursue her right now will push her farther away from you. If you give her what she's asking for you're giving her the best gift you can.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I was just worried that when she said that was a reply to me asking her to do counseling and it might have just been away to avoid giving a true answer but I'm not sure. I am trying my hardest to limit contact but almost everyday she contacts me in some way. Either text messages which I'm trying to reply to the point and be vague without hanging onto the contact or she sends me photos of my daughter which I can't ignore. It's been tough to deal with but it feels like whenever she is finally alone at night by herself in her new place she needs to contact me in some way just to make sure I'm still there and keep me hanging on? It's hard to explain but so far there has only been one day with no contact at all.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
Thanks Broke, I am trying my best and other then the second day after she left I have out all my true feeling on hold of trying to pursue and convince her to come back and am putting on the brave face that I'm doing fine and happy doing my own thing. I have not mentioned the fact that she left or the marriage once because in her head right now she doesn't want to be married if I try and force the issue now and talk about the future I think she would say what she is currently feeling which is there is no future
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
She asked you for space, give it to her and trust that it is for the best. If she sends pictures of your daughter just reply with "cute" or "thank you" or whatever seems appropriate but brief.
Yes I'm sure she's reaching out to you to make sure you're still on the shelf. I'm sure she's scared about what she's doing and probably lonely if she's home alone and you are a security blanket.
That's all okay.
You also don't have to be available to her. You can be as available as you'd like. "Sorry can't talk out with friends" is a fine reply. Waiting until the next morning to reply is also fine.
If you lack the discipline not to respond right away, put your phone in "do not disturb" mode at the same time each night. That way it won't buzz and you won't know if you have a text until you decide to check it.
There was a woman on her a few years ago where her husband was doing the same type of thing -- pinging her every night. One night he called her and she was out at a bar with some friends having a good time and there were people singing in the background. That did wonders for her sitch. Don't put your life on hold -- go out and have fun, do things that make you happy. Don't be a spotlight shined directly on her.
Easy to say, hard to do, but the very best thing you can do by far.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
you have pretty much covered exactly what I have been feeling and trying to do. And yes it is very hard to do but I believe for the greater good I can resist the temptations to contact her and have plenty of activities planned to keep my mind busy.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
