My lovely Cil. Let me start by saying Happy Birthday to one very special woman. I want to say "my look how she's all grown up". It seems so apt to me see you glowing and growing on the MLC board and seeing it is your birthday it should be acknowledge.
I read the above about your birthday gathering it sounds delightul and your friends sound so warm and delicious. I am glad that you had an experience of love and friendship on the best day of anyone's year, their belly button day.
I wish I was their to share a glass or two of, lets say Pinot Gris ( my fav- all aromatic) - a little bit of spice for us Cil.
There are amazing people on the MLC forum board, I know they will take care of you and love you well. They are good with the kick in the pants when needed too.
Much love Cil, always your little kiwi friend Jellyxxx
Interesting note (to me, anyway) since I feel the need to journal here. I had a short text exchange with H yesterday (initiated by me) as one of our applinces quit working and repair person could only give me an arrival window that would interfere with work. H said he could be there (his day off). Discussion over.
H called later at night to ask what was wrong with appliance. Made it clear that he was only calling about that. He kind of kept hanging on phone so I then felt the need to tell him I had a nice talk with his parents, that they had called to wish me HB. He seemed surprised and needed to let me know that that was completely unprompted by him-they did it on their own. I just laughed and said it was nice. I ended the call as he seemed to start dragging it out. He was in one of his taking care of business moods. Kind of unemotional, tired, almost cross but not ready to initiate hanging up. His happy/friendly mask is off and he's not showing ANY emotion; like a shell. Just...blahhh. I never know what I'm going to get.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
When you think of it, we here are working on our reactions and attitudes, working on GAL, being kind, cordial, compassionate
if we are not the person we want to be, we are actively working to better ourselves in every way
The MLCer is not working on any aspect of their personality their main goal is to have fun or create a fantasy life with less responsibility
so it makes sense their moodiness
seems like your H wanted to make it clear at least at that moment that he is out I think they don't want to give us false hope I think they are very confused a lot of the time
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I agree that he wanted to show that he was out. His comment on his parents, though, was that he was amazed that they were able to remember my bday. His mom has alzheimers and his dad has been acting stressed and confused as he has had to take over her job of remembering special occassions. He even commented that his dad must have created quite the calendar.
H usually shuts down after work...I dont usually get a call on work days. But still, I have been seeing changes in behavior lately. Not sure if i would call them positive. Ive accepted that this D is going to happen. But Im still standing.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
H called again, this time to ask what day to come work on our property. I'm so glad he caught me driving to a GAL activity, too. He suggested asking a teen friend that I had hired last year to come help us clean up the property. I explained that he would want to be paid. H said he would pay him.
This from the person who was so worried about money and told me not to spend any, and after being told that our appliance needed repair. I also know that he got a list of repairs needed to sell the house from my L. And we both got a letter from the mediator spelling their costs (H said he would pay).
I am surprisingly just shaking my head and chuckling. I have always handled the finances and have had to deal with his thoughtless spending in the past few years. I was always able to smooth things over, even though savings and such suffered. I was always able to shuffle things around and stretch our paychecks to cover.
In the past, he was very careful with money. Had the attitude of if you can't pay cash, don't buy it. I respected his investment knowledge,his budgeting, his thriftyness. I followed suit and taught myself even more about those things. We didn't buy name brands; garage sales, thrift shops, and seconds stores became places to treasure hunt, craigslist was a great addition. My kids learned all of this very well. We were able to put money away and still travel or do fun things for us or the kids when we wanted.
But as MLC hit, it was clear that he had changed. When I would say I didn't think we could afford a certain purchase, he would literally stomp his feet and say, "I'm a ______(insert profession here). I can make as much money as I want to make). Don't tell me I can't afford it!". When I pointed out one time how much money he spent on alcohol in one month (he switch from beer to fancying himself a bartender who loved making mixed drinks for all the ladies), he acted like it was a normal thing (it was a very large amount).
But, as said before, he fired me as his advisor and wife. He's on his own with his money worries. I need to focus on me. This D is a business transaction. It makes me sad to see how a man I still very much love is hurting, and is so depressed and worried about money, work, retirement...but he needs to deal with his choices. His choices are what has him over-extended. The reality needs to hit him...alone. I wonder if he'll ever come out of this?
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I'm just reflecting on this whole situation. Spent a lot of alone time yesterday and the night before, reading up on MLC, cleaning house, packing things up.
Watched "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" for a bit as I was writing some thank you notes. When I was dating H and early on in our marriage, everyone called him Ferris because he looked like a taller version of Matthew Broderick (Ferris). Same impish grin, big expressive eyes. H has aged better than Matthew, though. It brought back memories, but also started me thinking of the MLC stages and what I know of H's happy and unhappy experiences.
He always felt that he was the skinny, pimply-faced nerd with big ugly glasses in high school (I've seen the pictures, he really wasn't). He felt no girl would want to be with him. He ended up dating a younger Mormon girl who, when she let him hold her hand, it was a big deal. His dad, a very controlling person who loved to tell him how he did everything wrong, was very vocal about how he didn't like her. My H, very stubborn, was drawn to her more by this.
When she went off to college (he was a year older and commuted to a local school), H drove two states away to visit her. She acted like it inconvenienced her and hadn't told anyone she even had a boyfriend. He did this twice and slept in his truck. After the second effort, he gave up on her; rejected, embarrassed, sad and angry.
I'm seeing some parallels in our situation. He has convinced himself that I didn't like him or love him; I was also "always telling him he was wrong" even though I never uttered those words. I never appreciated the things he did for me, either. Is he revisiting these low points in his life through targeting me? Getting through these old insecurity issues by taking control by rejecting me as he felt rejected?
The good times in his life were when he later lived away from home and went to grad school. He (see if this sounds familiar) ate, slept, and did school during the week and had no life, but on the weekends he played hard with his friends, drank (he was finally 21), hosted barbecues at his home, and skied AND brought friends up to his grandfather's lake house during the warmer seasons. Much like now. Then, the world was his oyster...he had a rosy future ahead of him. I think he was desperate to relive those good times and he is now doing that. Weird.
His friends (my former social group) that are still with him were those former popular kids that he wasn't accepted by in high school (not really, just symbolically) the athletes and party girls, the cheerleaders. But now he can play bartender, provide his own waterfront party venue, and take them on fun "business trips" as vacations. He has a way in!
I know this sounds bitter, but I guess I'm just trying to make sense of something that doesn't really make sense...a way of controlling something I have no control over by looking for answers. Is he tired, sad, and depressed right now because he's entering a new stage? Is it just because he's around me? The more I try NC, the more he contacts me, but we also have a lot to do together due to impending D. I can drive myself nutty analyzing each detail. So I guess I just wait, but live my life at the same time.
He's supposed to come over and work on the property with me today. And I will smile, make eye contact, be cheerful and no R talk or probing questions. Remember my mantra. I wonder who he will be?
This is just a crazy situation.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Reliving the past is all part of MLC. He's projecting on to you what the girlfriend did to him. Being tire, sad and depressed is all part of the MLC. Depression is the main ingredient and will be w/him for a long time. What he is doing is very, very normal for someone in crisis. He's scared of growing old and want that one chance to go back in time to see what happened. He was stunted emotionally as a child and yes, it sounds like his father did a number on him. He has to go back to that time and figure things out and accept that there was nothing he could do about it and then start to grow up.
It's not YOU...it's all about HIM and his childhood issues.
Of course, the more you go NC, the more he's going to contact you. It's the distance/pursuit game. Also, in his own way, he doesn't want to cut the tie w/you. Try to remember, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
Keep the focus on you because if you try to analyze his every word or action, it will drive you nuts. Emotions have a way of taking over for them and when they are emotionally, rational thinking goes out the window.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
