Need help. Threading water, learning to swim.

[G8r]

I AM ANGRY!!!!! There, I said it and admitted it.

I'm angry at myself for taking my wife for granted. My actions made her feel unloved, unappreciated, unattractive and irrelevant. I'm angry at my poor communication skills. I have never been proficient at communicating my wants and needs and, combined with my wife's poor communication skills, created a recipe for my predicament. I'm angry at myself for deluding myself into believing that my previous pot smoking was not affecting my life, my relationships and my marriage (W doesn't know because she thought I quit prior to our M). It made me lazy and sapped my motivation to do anything new which made my W feel like she had to plan our activities. I wish I had a redo and I've been working on these things, but I still have more work to do.

I'm angry that it is so easy for people to get a divorce these days and I'm angry at the people who have supported my WW by telling her she needs to find her happiness, she deserves happiness and she is doing what is best for her. What about what is best for our D3 and family?

Lastly, I'm angry at my WW. I'm angry at her for not communicating her needs more clearly to me. Although she said she was dissatisfied with our sex life, she made it my responsibility to fix it (she believes it is the man's responsibility to initiate sex and from my POV, all affection). I'm angry that I feel that she didn't try to tell me in a different way that didn't feel like nagging. She has a bag of toys. I think I'd be pretty receptive but she thinks telling me is sufficient and women never I initiate. That would be initiating. I'm angry that she thinks I never listened to her. Although I could have done a better job, there are lots more incidents where I did listen compared to incidents that I appeared to ignore her. I'm also angry that I feel that she gave up on us too soon. I'm not ready to quit. I made a commitment to her in front of family, friends and God. Life is hard and happiness primarily comes from within. I hope that by posting this, I am able to let go of this anger and allow room for peace and love to envelope me and let that help me to proceed forward.

Vaya con dios.




http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2648870#Post2648870

[G8r]

One more thing, well maybe 2.

I'm angry with her for never communicating to me how she felt. She has made it perfectly clear to me now how she felt. Why couldn't and wouldn't she have done that previously. I know not to believe what she says, particularly since I would have the sadistic steak of a serial killer based on what she has said about how I made her feel. Her telling me how I made her feel would have gotten an immediate change from me. I feel so horrible thinking I could make anyone feel so bad about themselves.

I'm also angry about her passive aggressiveness. I just sent her a note thanking her for letting me put our D3 to sleep last night. She responded in a self righteous manner telling me that "it was the right thing to do" and that "despite what I think she is always looking out for her best interest first". Since then, she has sent 2 more texts telling me how much I am hurting my D3 because she doesn't see me as much and my refusal to tell my WW my schedule is the cause of my D3's pain. Mind you, I haven't changed my comings or goings except for 1 night a week to go to a Divorced and Separated group that meets at the church and, even then, I come home to see D3 prior to going. My schedule was never an issue previously. Grrr....

Serenity now, serenity now.... Lol.

[rich4j]

Resentment....sadness....back to resentment...and then Anger

I hear ya. And you have every right to be Angry and glad you own up to your faults.

It's amazing to see how many in our situations have either H or W that use the blame game on their spouse and that it is all their fault.

What is a shame that many of us here are now at a point where we feel we can be a much better partner with improved awareness and communication skills or at least the effort to try BUT it's too late in some circumstances.

I too...am angry for many similar reasons but my door is shut so now I am just angry at how she is handling our divorce. She used the word Hate a few weeks ago and I am starting to feel that horrible feeling at times against her. It centers around our daughter and how she is using her as a "thing" in the D to negotiate rather than our daughter.

it's a phase so hope you anger turns into happiness in the near future or at least resolve

[daybyday]

My WAW has said all of those things to me and I take ownership of many of them. But I am past the point of blaming only myself. Some of our behavior is condition by what we got from our spouse.

Happiness DOES come from within ones self. Finally, isn't it ones duty as a spouse to make yourself heard in whatever way necessary, instead of of just throwing up your hands and saying I'm done?

[broke]

Wow, I could've written that anger post G8r almost word for word except I didn't smoke pot :-). Instead, my lack of motivation was putting all my energy into kids and not putting anything into the M.

So now you are db'ing to be a better you. You can only control yourself and your reactions to your WW. If you act on your anger, it will only undo all the progress you've made. And we all know what a roller coaster this is. You may feel horribly sad in 30 minutes instead of angry.

So, vent away. Why didn't our WAS give us the chance to be the best us before they bailed?! That's the million dollar question. I think many divorces could be avoided if only the LBS had an opportunity to address what was wrong. But, I hope it helps to know that people like Rich and I feel exactly the same. Keep on working on you and keep being the best dad you can be!

[G8r]

Thank you rich4j, daybyday, and broke. This whole thing is a process. I was feeling very sad and lonely last night and I was feeling the same way this morning which caused me to become a bit introspective this morning. The frequency of my WW pointed out that I'm angry has increased dramatically lately. Initially I attributed to her projecting her anger onto me and then telling me I'm angry. To some extent, I know this to be true. She wants me out of the house yesterday. I also hear the anger and contempt in the tone of her voice, I see it in her face and body language and I am starting to see it in her actions (such as tossing my clothes out of the dryer in a ball in the laundry basket while I still hang and fold her stuff if it's in the dryer and I need to use the dryer) so it was easy for me to point the finger and say all the tension in our house is originating from my WW and her anger. I didn't feel like I was angry with her because I wasn't showing (IMO) any anger, raising my voice, calling her names or making snide passive aggressive comments. However, my WW knows me better than anyone else, so I began to wonder if I'm angry and wasn't admitting it or maybe I just didn't want to be so angry with someone that I love. What if I really am angry and it shows in my face and posture? What if I am using a poor tone of voice that is somehow conveying to her that I'm angry? If so, then I am contributing to my own demise by giving her what she wants to support her decision to leave. I certainly can't control what she does, let alone what she feels, so that leaves me.

I decided this morning that regardless of whether or not I feel angrt, I don't want to convey that message to her (at least from my perspective). I also don't want to be cold towards her which I know I have been because I don't know how to be nice without being her friend and that is something I will not do. That is why, out of the blue, I decided to thank her for letting me put our D3 to sleep even though it was my WW's night. She responded with complaints and passive aggressive comments but I don't care. I did what I wanted to do and that was to be nice and to let go of some of my anger and maybe a little sadness (it's always been easier for me to feel and release anger rather than sadness).

We're still getting a D and I'm not happy about it but I need to let go of this anger without continuing to push her away. I t hi k I made a decent 1st step and I'm feeling good about that which has led me to be in a better mood today compared to yesterday.

Btw, I dropped the smoking like it was hot back in September and haven't looked back. Voy a ir con dios.

[broke]

All of that is so positive, G8r! I dropped the anger almost 4 weeks ago and I know it has helped me (minus yesterday). It has also helped my kids move forward.

I worry about "being friends", too. It's a fine line to walk and since I let go of acting on my anger, the H definitely thinks we are friends. But, I got great advice on here and I'm following it. Vanilla helped me with creating boundaries and that's been very important.

Keep it up! Sounds like you are headed the right direction today!

[CWOL]

I'm angry that it is so easy for people to get a divorce these days and I'm angry at the people who have supported my WW by telling her she needs to find her happiness, she deserves happiness and she is doing what is best for her. What about what is best for our D3 and family?

I could have written your post as well (except for the pot-smoking part). I feel almost exactly the same way as you. This Enablers part is particularly galling for me. There are some people WW got to first or was able to minimize her EA and direct all the blame on me. It was important for me to tell them the truth, that my wife's A is really the cause of all this misery.

[mutatio]

It seems to me that treating your wife with compassion and loving kindness is the best path. You support her with love as she struggles with this situation. Any other path may bring negative emotions and outcomes. If she is angry offer validation. Enjoy each moment while you bring joy and beauty into you daughters life. Celebrate the present, that's all we have, peace G8r

[G8r]

Hi Mutatio. It's funny that you wrote what you wrote. I had been thinking along similar lines. It really doesn't matter (for the most part) what my WW does or says. I have loved her and I will continue to love her, just in a different way. I am thankful that she came into my life because I have grown as a result of knowing g her and, more importantly, she gave me a beautiful, precious and precocious D3. I wouldn't have D3 in my life otherwise so, although, I have been emotionally wounded, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I've been practicing being more grateful and thankful these past couple of days. Although I still have some sadness, I must say that this thankfulness has done wonders for me. It has made it so much easier to validate (and boy have I had to validate lately). I also think the validation has been less forced and more genuine. I don't really care if it works with my WW or not because it is helping me. It has been giving me a sense of calm because all I can control is me and do what makes me feel right. At the end of the day I am able to look in the mirror and admire what I see and that makes it easy for me to sleep. I hope my feelings of personal well being, despite the loss of my W and M, last and continue to grow.

This outlook has really helped today because my WW has had nothing positive, not even neutral, to say to me today. I cleaned up the yard this weekend while she was visiting her mother with D3 and she noticed it and made comments that I hadn't done it in years. Lol. I have always maintained a nice yard until this past fall when I was a bit depressed because of my sitch. Her comments didn't bother me. She asked if I had this Friday and April 1st off because D3 day care would be closed. I replied that I had to work Friday and I would check on the other day(turns out I don't work on the 1st). She then started to complain that she is the one who always has to worry and take care of these things. I ignored the passive aggressiveness (because I have watched D3 the last 2 times her school was closed), validated and let her know I had the 1st off. She ignored that I told her I had the day off and tried to manipulate my validation regarding being appreciated by telling me that I only appreciated her for materialistic gain (my summary of her words). Still didnt phase me. I replied that tulips she had bought me for Christmas a few years back were coming up (I was worried they might have been eaten because they are a little late this year) and thanked her for such a beautiful and thoughtful gift. She replied that she figures I will dig them up and take them with me when I move out when D is final. I just dropped the conversation at this point and I didn't feel bad at all which is so different than I would have felt a few days ago. Yay me. Self pat on the back. I really dig this outlook and the wonders it has do e for my emotional well being.