Need help. Threading water, must learn to swim.

[TimR]

Great looking at the positive G8r. I struggle with the same thoughts and think of the same conclusions. Is this whole process not really for W but for a new unlucky lady in the future... However, I also wander if I will be able to risk this pain again in the future.

[CWOL]

I also have heard from my in laws that she still loves me but doesn't think things will work between us.

Don't read too much into this. My WW says the same thing, it is to justify the fact she's left me and continue to communicate with OM even though everyone disapproves of it.

[G8r]

ROFL, TimR, unlucky lady. I needed that laugh. I wonder about pain in the future as well. Mostly whether or not I can bare going through this pain again for my WW. However, I am now better able to relate to the pain my WW expressed to me shortly after BD when I was still begging and pleading with her. I remember her telling me that she still had feelings for me but she didn't know if she could reopen her heart to me. She felt unappreciated, unloved and unattractive as result of my neglect. It didn't matter that I was ready to try because she had shut herself down to me. I better get where she is coming from now. I no longer know for sure how I would respond if she suddenly had an epiphany. Although I still hope for R, I don't know if that is what I really want anymore. I still love my W and I think it is by FAR the best outcome for D3 but is it the best outcome for me. Do I want to risk the pain? I guess that is a question I would love to have rather than thinking in hypotheticals.

No pain, no gain, I suppose. Got to work those emotional muscles.

[G8r]

I hear you CWOL. I try not to read too much into it. Mostly wishful thinking I suppose, but it is nice to have their support.

[G8r]

Need advice!! I really want to contact the om in my sitch. I really dislike this person that I've never met but I feel he should know that he is contributing to the destruction of a M, helping to create a hostile home environment for my D3 and he is contributing to my D3 only being able to see both of her parents on a part time basis.

I doubt he would care but my WW says he cares so mmuch about my well being (she used to tell me the only reason she was trying to work on us is because he suggested that to her, BS, he was telling her what she wanted to hear to portray himself as a nice guy) as well as my D3 well being. I also don't really see how it would benefit me either so I guess I'm ranting and looking for people to tell me it's a bad idea.

Btw, I would text him if I contacted him which also makes it a bad idea because it leaves a paper trail. I'm so happy he lives about 10 hours away. It makes things difficult for my WW, but more importantly I worry that I would get myself in trouble if he lived nearby.

[broke]

Don't bother. I texted the OW three times. She never responded. All of my texts were civil...1. please tell your H so I don't have to 2. have you told your H yet and 3. Save your marriage. I also tried to call her. She never responded. Just makes you angrier because they ignore you. Not worth it....what is OP going to say "sorry I fell in love with your spouse"?! It was true love and I couldn't help myself?! These people obviously didn't care enough before the A started, during the A or now. So, they are all in affair fog and will justify it. It really isn't worth your time. Enjoy D3 and realize that God and karma will have to take care of OM....

[Sparkls]

I was once accused of being the OW when I wasn't (It was a guy I play online games with. It was very weird). I spent a lot of time texting the wife trying to explain that I wasn't having an affair with her husband.
She didn't believe me. And now. being on this side of the table, I don't blame her. I wish I could go back and tell her "Like no really, I'm not doing your husband!"
In their relationship, however, she had had multiple affairs in the past so she's probably projection. but I digress

The point is: what will it accomplish? Just like us begging and pleading with our spouses to end the A does nothing, its' not going to do anything to ask the OP either. Unless they don't know. And he clearly does. They aren't good people. They're flawed, just as we all are. But they have real feelings in this. I know that's not a side we like to think about but its true. Yes, they're in the wrong. They absolutely should've walked away. but they didn't. They're guilty. Confronting them isn't going to make them feel any guiltier than they already do. It'll just drive them further into the A.

[G8r]

Thank you broke and SparkSB. I didn't really think it would be a good idea or that it would accomplish anything. I guess it was most me venting.

I got inspired to reread a book, The Last Lecture, by a post by Mutatio. The book is a short quick read and very inspiring. Although it has relavance for everyone, I think it is particularly important for people coping with the death of their marriage.

[mutatio]

I'm a little late to the party but I'll throw my 2 cents in anyway. When you think about approaching the OM, you must follow it thru to it's logical conclusion. You will approach a man who is aiding and abetting the destruction of your marriage, vying for your wife's attention and destroying your children's family structure. When you try to reason with him you get a F U attitude, you get angry and it escalates. In the heat of the moment you or he could step through a door that will change you future permanently. There is way to much downside risk compared to upside benefit. I recommend you resist the temptation to talk to the POS OM and focus on yourself and your family.

[TimR]

I agree with mutatio. While I have not had the case specifically myself but know of many cases where LBS actually went to prison. One I know of was a mutual fight and with only a few light punches thrown ended with a guy having an aneurism and died. Other guy was charged with murder and convicted of voluntary manslaughter.