Mozza's own success story

[Zues126]

Nice post M. We didn't always agree on when to start dating again but there was a ton of mutual respect, and it just goes to show that any approach can work if you go about it right. Really glad to hear. Enjoy and thanks for the update!

[Vanilla]

You know V is a fan?

Anyway I am still in Newcombers. Firstly my WH isn't MLC just an abuser and secondly the arse wipe has done a bunk so my D petition from last August isn't even acknowledged.!

So Newcombers it is. I get the sadness thing about Newcombers, I really do.

My DB journey has scarce begun.

V

[Mozza]

I'm in the mood for weekly updates these days, so here goes.

I had a lovely Valentine's Day. Quite different from last year's where I hung out alone, thinking of WW. This time, I spent it with New Girl, a mere five weeks into knowing each other, and we had a good time. She was back from a 3-day retreat and I brought ingredients to cook dinner at her place. I gave her tickets to a show with a tongue-in-cheek card that read "This shows that I plan to still be with you 3 weeks from now". We've had the "we're exclusive" discussion already but not really the "can I call you my BF/GF?" yet. We're planning a weekend get away two weeks from now, at a cottage with a fireplace and all. It's evolving.

I'm still getting my head around someone who seems so balanced. WW didn't have the same "common sense" as me or most people I know for that matter. But New Girl does and things seem so much simpler. She's also 12 years older than WW was when I met her, so that counts (she's 1 year older than WW). I told her that after my S, I was intent on being better at relationships, that I would be open to talk and try things. It was important for me to state it.

There's almost nothing to say about WW. We communicate in short sentences about the kids. She told me D7 wanted to have new knitting needles so I went and bought them right away. It's rare that I volunteer for these things, in part because I work from home so I don't go near the shops. I paid a short visit to the kids at school. D4 asked who was picking her up and when I said her mom, she said "It's always mommy! I don't want to go with her, I want to go with you!" Honestly, I don't put much into this statement - she's usually happy to see her mom. Maybe she's trying to tell me what she thinks I want to hear. In any case, as my reporting here shows, it was still sweet to hear that she likes to be with me.

Zues126 | Thanks for the visit! You're right, it's important for each person to find their own path out of this hell. It involved a lot of changes and facing fears I had avoided in the past, but obviously it was worth it. And the work-in-progress continues.

Vanilla | I'm a fan too! I'm delighted that you still stop by to say hello. Your resilience is impressive.

[Ginger1]

How often to you have your kids, Mozz? Is it always Mommy?

My daughter is with me 75-80% of the time. I know she loves me very much, but she gets all "ugh, you again?" because she sees me much more and I pick her up every day from school regardless if it's his night because he gets home from work later. Maybe she does want to see you some more?

[RosaLinda]

I could see why WW needed me. Now, GF is so balanced that I don't see the problem to which I'd be the solution. My IC says that "relationships are symptoms", meaning that they reflect our mental state. So if I found someone balanced, it's a pretty good sign. I'm making efforts not to let my demons tell me that she's too good for me, that she'll find someone better balanced, that she'll find me lacking, etc. I just take a deep breath and tell myself that she likes me, that all is good and to enjoy it while it happens.

Awesome, insightful post, Mozza. I'll pass along some advice that Mach1 gave me when I started dating my new guy, and had those same sort of fears (and new guy and I are both fixer-conflict-avoiders so it was doubly scary). Mach said to not try to define our R or give it a name, but just to enjoy each other and see where it goes. This sounds promising! Best wishes to you!

[Ginger1]

I could see why WW needed me. Now, GF is so balanced that I don't see the problem to which I'd be the solution. My IC says that "relationships are symptoms", meaning that they reflect our mental state. So if I found someone balanced, it's a pretty good sign. I'm making efforts not to let my demons tell me that she's too good for me, that she'll find someone better balanced, that she'll find me lacking, etc. I just take a deep breath and tell myself that she likes me, that all is good and to enjoy it while it happens.

Awesome, insightful post, Mozza. I'll pass along some advice that Mach1 gave me when I started dating my new guy, and had those same sort of fears (and new guy and I are both fixer-conflict-avoiders so it was doubly scary). Mach said to not try to define our R or give it a name, but just to enjoy each other and see where it goes. This sounds promising! Best wishes to you!

That is excellent advice. And we know Mach1 advice is top notch. I struggle with that one sometimes. I realize it doesn't need a title or name. Actions speak way louder. Enjoy your new R, it's in the lovely early stages!

[Mozza]

Ginger1 | We share the kids 50-50 since the beginning. If anything, they see me a bit more, because of adjustments for holidays and the likes. In this particular case, it may have just been a matter of spending the previous 4 days with her mom. She misses both of us, so when she sees me during her mom's week, it may feel like she misses me more. Anyway, I don't think there's much to read into it.

RosaLinda | Thanks! Indeed, all my energy goes into going with the flow without over-analyzing! But it feels like I'm missing half the fun!

[mahhhty]

Good Stuff Mozza. That sounds promising and fun. I'm happy for you.

[Mozza]

Last Thursday, I finally received the tax paper I was waiting for and now we can do the last stretch of the D proceedings. I didn't waste a day and wrote to WW after putting the kids to bed. We'll complete the mediation agreement, send it to a lawyer, then to court. I don't dread it anymore. In fact, I almost relish it. I'm still upset at the D, in that I disagreed with BD, but I take it as a given and irreversible. So there's a part of me that's throwing these papers at her: "Here's the D you wanted. Happy, now? I don't care." For the longest time, I didn't want to take charge of it, but now I say: bring it on. I'll get this done, I'll cut this link to the past. I'm also a little pleased it's happening 1.5 year after BD and OM. Their honeymoon must be over and while she may not want to R, she might have a slightly more realistic idea of who he is, and what's a serious relationship like.

Increasingly, I see WW as a 10-year period in my life. She's no longer my defining partner who's left me incomplete. She's just someone who came and went, leaving me two kids I adore. I wish I didn't have to deal with her forever, but I will. She keeps reaching out with small stuff, like yet another email about a good podcast she thought I'd love. I kept it in my inbox for a week, then realized I would never listen to it, so I just archived it.

Much more interesting and productive for me is building something with New Girl. Still too early to know if she's the one, but there are no red flags so far. We spent the week-end at a cottage, bringing groceries, wine, guitar, music... I'm grateful to have this in my life. Just last Friday, D4 came in my bed a bit early and we had a good giggle -- it's no so easy to make a 4 yo laugh heartily without tickling! I can't think of a single thing that isn't right in my life right now. What a journey!

[Vapo]

Mozz,

I see you are doing well. Really happy for you!

Rock on!