Need help. Threading water, must learn to swim.

[G8r]

I'm trying to break the habit of saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I've apologizes waaaaàay to many times and IMO it negates her feelings. I'm interested in other people's interpretation.

Although I've said I'm sorry you feel that way when she says things won't work between us, I now say, "I know that's how you feel" or "I realize that you feel that way" or "I see how you would feel that way. (best option) based on how emotional vs. detached I am at that moment.

[broke]

G8r,

I like the best option. I agree with you - I've apologized way too much too. But, I didn't like the "I understand" or "I appreciate" because I don't really think it fits the ILYBINILWY.

[G8r]

Question. WW is upset with me because I didn't invite her to go with D3 and I to the circus last night. Last week my WW invited me to go and bought tickets for us. We didn't go because D3 and WW weren't feeling well. Should I have invited WW to circus last night? If so, should I apologize? I'll also note that WW had banned me from going at one point after buying the tickets because she got angry with me and then accused me of always being angry with her.

I responded earlier to her that I can't and won't pretend we are a family. I wanted to and would like to in the future but I don't see that happening. We need to be a family to do things as family. I feel bad that you see things differently. Have a good weekend and a safe trip. Good response or no? Any and all comments are appreciated.

[Thornton]

Remind me... does your W still want to seperate? Or are things in a holding pattern right now?

[G8r]

I got D paperwork earlier this week. However, I do believe she is unsure of her decision. I think she feels she doesn't want a divorce but feels there is no hope and she has no choice.

[trumpet]

G8r,

Sounds like your W is like mine.

Be very careful. I used any movement towards me as indication that she was back to wanting us together. In truth, she was wayward the whole time, but with guilt bouts in-between. I truly think that my W has to go full PA with OM and we'll be D soon to make that happen.

Couldn't live in limbo any longer. Had to make a stand, and move on. I will reconcile, but only if W is 100% there, with actions, consistent actions, for a couple months.

What has she said she's so unsure about?

[G8r]

Hi Trumpet. I have shared your up and downs. I was excited for you when your W appeared to want to R and now I feel sorrow for the turn towards D in your relationship. I still have hope for you.

Regarding your question, there have been things said and unsaid. When my WW 1st told me about the om, she said she would have been willing to work on us if he wasn't in the picture. A few weeks ago she said she didn't want a divorce and then she added that it was because she was afraid of the way I drive and she thought I might injure D3 with my driving (I've never had an accident that was my fault nor have I been involved in any big accidents, WW can't say the same to either of those claims). WW also is upset about me not inviting her to circus with D3 even though she invited me and got a ticket for me before selling them because she and D3 were sick that day. I mentioned something about her wanting the D and she said she never wanted a D but she has no hope. I'm kicking myself for that one because I missed a great chance to validate her feelings. In fact, she mentions something similar each time I remind her that she is the one that wants a D and I will not take ownership of wanting a D.

I also have heard from my in laws that she still loves me but doesn't think things will work between us. Similarly, our day care provider doesn't believe she wants a D. She believes she feels stuck and her pride won't let her back away from this course of action. I also see it in her. She looks and feels like crap. She claims to be happy but she looks hurt and miserable everyday. Her A is taking a toll on her physical health. I never have seen her get as sick as regularly as she has the past 6 months. She has regular migraines and sinus problems. She has had a low grade ear infection that she has been complaining about for 2 months. She seems to catch a cold every other week and she claims to have the same symptoms as D3 any time D3 isn't feeling well.

Although my WW has always struggled with her weight and dieting (I've always known she will never be a size 16 and I am ok with that) she has completely let her weight go. Cookies, cake and chocolate hage become a regular staple of her diet. Part of our initial problem is that my WW has never really believed that I'm attracted to her because of by her weight. I would never have dated her let alone ask her to marry me if that was the case. Although I've always been supportive of her dieting, I've never encouraged her to diet.

Lastly, I just have a gut feeling. My only worry is that she won't be interested in possible R until after D. That will be too late. I plan to move forward with my life without her in it at that point. I guess both my WW and I are both stubborn and want things done are way. That reminds me, I need to work on my pride.

[G8r]

Went to see D lawyer today to respond to WW's D complaint. WW hit the ceiling and has been spewing all evening long. She acc y sedan me of lying because we were going to do this without lawyers and then she hired one and expected me to use her L. She has accused me of not communicating with her because I don't tell her everything she wants to know. She told my D3 that Daddy makes pool choices and there will be consequences. She still thinks I never loved her and everything I do is to stress her intentionally. Admittedly, I know that not telling details about activities stresses her but that is a consequence that she needs to deal with. I'm not going to tell her where I go and we hen I'll be home with D3. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't need to know. Too bad if it bothers her. I dont say anything but it bothers me that she sits D3 in front of the TV while she texts away with the om. It bothers me that she feeds my D3 junky fast food instead of cooking a real meal, It bothers that she has started buying her gifts a couple of times a week, particularly since she has always complained about the clutter in our house and how much she detests her mother trying to buy her love instead of listening to her and spending time with her. In other words, my WW has become what she has always detested, her mother. Mind you, any if the things in and b of themselves and / or in moderation wouldn't bother me. It is the hypocrisy and excess of it, plus I'm ranting a bit. Grrrrr.....

[TimR]

Sorry to hear about your evening G8r. Sounds like she is just looking to start a fight with you. Keep validating and keep your boundaries. If your boundaries are not well defined, trying writing them out here and asking for feedback. Decide what the consequences are if the boundaries are crossed. Then stick to them. This is a very hard thing to do. I keep trying and as she evolves I can feel myself get sucked in. Some times I do ok recognizing it and getting out, sometimes I get sucked in despite saying to myself, stop you are engaging.

Good luck to you G8r, I am sending you wishes of strength!

[G8r]

Thanks TimR. I was really frustrated tonight so it was hard to validate but I did. Only I'm much better when texting than in person. WW even commented that she doesn't believe my texts because they are so different from our personal interactions. To some extent that is true so I need to continue practicing until my personal validations are as good as my text validations.

Don't really see that it will change anything with WW, but I suspect it will do wonders for my future interactions with D3 as she grows older and the next lucky lady in my future.