well, the whole depriving thing - that's about perspective, imo ... i used to think of it as being deprivation. it got a whole lot easier to stick to a diet when i changed my viewpoint from deprivation to looking at it as what do I want more ex. what do I want more today: to fit into my jeans more comfortably or to eat a bag of chips. behave accordingly. some days it is the bag of chips! some days it's the jeans. get where I'm going with this? it works for me, may help you. just passing it along ... with love xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks bttrfly - I do understand what your saying. My head has been in a bad space so forgive me being so bluh about the suggestions to help me out - I honestly really do appreciate them all.
So here it is, the h update. It was a phone call, I instigated it ....i know, I know, but read on and you will find out that it was not such a bad thing to do.
We spoke for nearly 2hrs, h was open and honest about what is going on with him, he answered everything ...if fact he spoke more than me and asked me things which is new. I can't write it all, 1) a 2hr post would take a week to read lol and 2) I feel I am being disloyal to h repeating some of things he said.
Xmas went well for him, he enjoyed being with the family and in particular me, he said he felt comfortable and no pressure to be someone else. He saw me as being relaxed and happy which made him feel at ease with the new me being here to stay. The sex, well we both agreed it was not planned but did not create an issue for either of us, he said it felt right. He was sorry that he has not talked to me about it since, he is struggling to change that about himself - to be open and talk about things has never been something that comes naturally to him.
Interestingly he did say he can't believe its been 2 months since we last saw each other, to him its only been a couple of weeks. He apologized for it being so long and said he did not mean to give me the impression he has lost interest in "us".
This lead to a conversation about him being more active in letting me know I am still his end goal - he explained that his texts, the chit chat, means "I am thinking about you", he said he is not naturally a Casanova, he does not do mush or suggestive, he finds it hard to start conversations, always has, so this starting chit chat is a big deal for him, if he wasn't thinking of me then he wouldn't contact me. I told him I understand and thanked him for explaining, I mentioned that I am different, I can do mush etc and he said he would work on that.
He also expalined what the house link was about - he was thinking about me,us, and found himself looking at future possibilities, he had a whole conversation lined up, but got scared and went with the "don't know why I sent it" line. Funny guy.
He spoke a lot about fears, fear that he will cause me to return to the person I was, fear I will not be able to get past what he has done in the past 2 yrs, fear that he wont be able to get past what he has done, fear that I will leave him, fear that we wont work , fear fear fear It holds him tight, but he said the more we talk the better he feels and easier it becomes .....yet he has a fear of starting a conversation with me .....so this is where my nudge comes in to it - he said that it is good that I do it, he wants me to do it, it makes him talk, it makes it flow more naturally when I start it. He asked that I continue to instigate these talks as and when I want them, he will tell me if I am pushing too much or if he needs time to get things straight in his head, or if at that time life/work is busy and he cant give it full attention.
So the negative stuff - he does not feel he can have me move to where he lives. The history he has created there is too much for him to move past and have me going to the same places and doing the same things as he has done since he left. He is concerned that just moving to a new place and starting again is a big thing to do without first living together and seeing how that works first. He does not yet know the answer, its not him saying he is giving up with the possibility of an us, he is saying that he doesn't know the answer to that yet.
He talked about me, asked me about the changes I feel in myself, he asked if I would email him at some point about what I felt he did in the past that affected me; I queried him on this request, explaining that what I felt then, the person I was then, is not how it is now, so what would it achieve? He replied that if he does not want history to repeat and if it is something he agrees with then he would make a conscious effort not to do it. So i questioned " and what if it is something you dont feel you want to change about yourself, is that it, game over?" He replied "no, its something we need to discuss, to see if the is a middle ground".
His visit home - he said he needed to do it, was glad he did it. He wanted his family to know he cares and loves them. This is a big change in him; he said that I always did the contact, he never needed to, he was not interested before, but since his friend died last year he understands the importance of family, especially one that cares about him and feels bad that he has shown no thought back to them. He apologized for not communicating at all with me while he was away, said he went into a zoned out place for 2 weeks, needed to. He said its done now, its not something he intends to repeat and if he does go again then he hopes I will be a part of it.
So on to seeing each other again. Its difficult now both of us has a s living with us, we also have the added complication of me not being able to visit him at his location. He has a wedding to attend in March and s19 is visiting him for Easter so to give me full attention he suggests a weekend meetup early April.
He has said I am still where his focus is and he knows that all fears and doubts cannot be alleviated so at some point he will have to just jump in. The more we talk, the more we spend time together the more comfortable he feels that it will be ok, we will be ok.
So more time and then some more, more patience, duct tape, not too much pushing but the occasional nudge along from me. Things are moving in the right direction, just trying so hard not to get wrapped up in it but it is extremely hard not to have a little more hope that we will make it through this together, stronger and wiser. But I do know I need to come of the high and back to zero expectations .......did I really ever achieve that in the first place hmmmmm lol.
H said he needed to go and have a few beers now as the butterflies in his stomach were giving him an adrenaline rush, the nerves of talking to me, opening up to me, the fear of what I might do or say, the outcome of the conversation, had him a bag of nerves lol. Oh how priceless. Think I will leave him for a couple of weeks to recover from his ordeal !!
Lou, Yes, leave him to his butterflies for now. He's got a lot to think about and so do you. As we say here, talk is cheap, but actions speak louder than words. Continue to show him that you are a good listener and friend. BTW, the mlc was talking quite clearly when he stated that he has fears. Each and every fear that he mentioned has been raised by the mlcer time and again because they truly are afraid that we will revert back to our old selves, old marriage, etc. The only way that this can be overcome is to continue being your new and improved self. Unfortunately he can't always see that your changes are permanent because the both of you live far from each other. But, I would continue to drop those cookie crumbs and allow him to gobble them up.
For now, leave him alone for just a wee bit to think about things and try to take care of yourself. Your body has told you it needs rest and so does your mind for a bit. You have a possible time to meet up w/him in April, try to get your health up to speed for that meet up.
Hang in there, dig deeper for patience and have faith...you've got some positives from this latest conversation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Nothing much to add, it was a conversation that achieved little for me, I am no further forward. Hopefully its not the same for him.
Thinking about it overnight, I see that the fears he has may hold him from ever moving forward with us, I am not sure how long he needs to see that this is me and I am here to stay to be comfortable, he may never be convinced. I can see why many give up at this point, its painstakingly frustrating and very tiring on the emotions because no matter how detached you think you are, your not detached enough !!
job, you say this is common, that its something a mlcer goes through, the doubts and fears; do they generally get past them to acceptance, or once the fears are there do they get stuck in a loop ? I know I can only do what I am doing, but I do feel sometimes I am having to sell myself and honestly, if he wants a guarantee he should go buy something from a store - I don't come with a refund policy or a lifetime warranty and I wonder if this is an area he will remain unconvinced in.
I realise that I am still free to do as I please. My holiday has allowed me well needed down time from work to reassess and reflect on what I want to do for the immediate future as its obvious that any thoughts of me and h is off the table, so I am thinking of something to change things up, get me out of this funk - I am lucky, I have no commitments, no little ones, no home to keep me in one place, so why not think of doing something else, getting me out of I job I dont like and is affecting my health, moving me along in my own growth, doing something for me. Don't know what it is yet - June is still my goal time, I have made a chart and stuck it on my fridge - its 13 weeks to June, 13 weeks to save, decide, make something happen .......???? slight hitch is that I don't know what yet, but I figure it can''t be worse than my current sitch !!
Thanks for reading and supporting, you are all my rocks, my safe place and I am grateful to you all.
Some MLCers will get over their butterflies, but it takes them a long time to feel comfortable in their own skin once they wake up from their deep MLC sleep. They will test you to see if you revert back to your old self. They will ask if you want them to go away and leave you alone. For those who come home, they will ask every time something doesn't set right if you want them to leave. Once they wake up it takes a good 18-24 months for them to actually feel comfortable in their own skin again, give or take a few months. This is the time whereby the LBS gets very impatient and frustrated and wants everything back to normal. The relationship can't go back to the way it was...it has to be a new marriage and whatever changes you've made have to be permanent or it won't work.
They fear going back to the way things were. That is why is it very important to take things very slowly, allow them to see that your changes are permanent and that you accept them for who they are. You have to start at ground zero, which is friends and allow that to simmer for a while before going to the next step. In other words, no expectations of what he use to be or what he can do right now. You have to continue allowing them to bake and come to you.
I would suggest that you just be your new and improved self. Jumping through hopes or selling yourself shows that you are trying too hard. The more you are yourself, the more he'll come to you. I know that you are frustrated and want to know where his mind is at...but he's still baking up and he is moving at his own speed...SLOW.
Lou, this is the hardest part of the journey for the LBS because we see some improvement and want to rush the process. You can't. You have to have faith that he'll make the right decisions and will return to you. While he's baking, continue to live your life, do the things that you want to do and if he wants to join you in some of those things, by all means allow him to do so, if you feel comfortable w/that. But, for now, he's still not ready to recommit and he's still got some baking up to do before he finally is free of his fears.
I know I say this quite often...but you've got to keep the focus on you and your health. God will take care of your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Lou, Just catching up ... sending you {{{hugs}}} and a new frock from the Spring Patience is a Virtue line, lol
Hang in there baby. You have plenty to occupy you. Your health is of paramount importance.
You scared the crap out of me: 13 weeks till June? Man I gotta get movin' on some exercise or I will be harpooned in a bathing suit this summer! xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you so much job, reading your post was just what I needed to read today. I had a really unsettled night, weird dreams and woke feeling like I need to end this before he does - I haven't woken with mass feelings/emotions like that for quite a while, so to read your post put some calm back into me.
Everything you wrote is so accurate, I see it, so thank you for taking the time to help me understand this part of the process. He mentioned again at the weekend that since his friend died (coming up a yr in March) he has felt different, he looked at himself and hated what he saw, its around that time his feelings and thoughts of me started to return and he began to see what he had created around him and the very slow process of changing it started.
I know what i have to do, I feel I am doing it as best I can; being a friend and allowing him into my life in any capacity is hard going for me as my feelings for him are still very much there (realised this at xmas) and being in his life but not in his life is like picking a scab -
Its my nature to put everyone else first, I always have done and probably always will do, so me and my health tend to get pushed to the bottom of the pile - hence me taking over a year to go to the dr about the mole! I dont prioritize myself as being high on the list, its something I struggle with, I feel selfish. So when I do do something for me, then its a big deal and takes me a lot of pushing myself - which is why I struggle to make decisions based purely around me, what is best for me, what do I want ...I tend to take everything else/one into account first.
I want to get this next blood test out the way, 2 weeks time. That will give me a clearer picture of what is going on with my thyroid - looking at it I have got symptoms but I dont want to blame them on anything until I have proof. The low I am feeling, the utter tiredness and aches and pains could all be down to this, or they could be genuine depression setting in, so I know this part of my health needs to be taken seriously and I am taking steps to sort it out. As for me in general, I know that I have have to change my job, its not helping my mood or body, but my questioning thoughts are : I feel so unsettled right now, my job, my location, h , health, life - so what will cause me the least stress to deal with ..... the whats best for ME wrangle continues lol.
Bttrfly, Thank you for the frock - I still have not managed to wear my Happy Day Dress that I bought after h left, wow, that took me weeks to summon up the courage to buy - its still in the bag, wrapped so neatly. Sorry to scare you, sometimes I think , only 13 weeks, I can make it. And some days I think omg, still 13 weeks to go ....not that I have a clue of what I am changing up in 13 weeks, but I tend to make the most random decisions so who knows!! I am sure you will look absolutley delightful in a itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow poker dot bikini ....be daring bttrfly, spread those wings and be proud of who you are :o)
Lou, Please, please make yourself a priority. If you don't take care of your health, you won't be able to enjoy life the way you should.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
honey if you have hypothyroid ... that could be contributing massively to how you are feeling. I went on a tear learning all I could about it as H has it and his numbers were sky-high just prior to BD and climbed even higher just prior to mediation.
Thyroid is interesting energetically, as it is a butterfly shaped gland located at the base of the throat... so ... if one tends to keep things inside and not say what one needs to say, there is a school of thought that one might be dealing with thyroid stuff sooner or later. that is just a school of thought ... it's function is basically to control the metabolism. Every cell in one's body is affected by the thyroid. I'm not trying to scare you Lou, but I do want to impress upon you that it is imperative that you take this seriously and put yourself at the top of your list asap. Sweetie, no one else will put you there if you don't put yourself there first. I'm trying to be as gentle as I can be here, because I love you and want you to be healthy and happy. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you job - you dont fancy moving to NZ do you ?? lol
bttrfly - thanks for the information. I was originally hyperthyroid so know the score, wow that was not a blast for sure. I felt like I was going crazy, my mind never shut off. I got down to 0.01 before it was taken seriously. I have had scans, ultrasounds, radioactive iodine, biopsies soooo many blood tests, agh. But have been all good for a few years, sitting around 2 which is ideal. My number has only gone up to 5 but its enough to be symptomatic, I know that anything over 10 is not good, I have heard of some ridiculously high numbers, I dont know how people function with them that high, its no wonder your h is all over the place, I really feel for you. I know that its important I get this sorted now, hence the testing, my tests needs to be done 6-8 weeks apart to confirm so I have 2 weeks to go before I can do the second one. My endocrine specialist was set up when I last lived here so I can be referred back to him if my level comes back the same or higher. In this instance I am being pro active for me. The thyroid controls a lot of different hormones, hence when its out of whack it really does affect the body in many ways. Metabolism, mood, skin/nails/hair, joints, sleep, sexual health, brain function the list goes on.
Do you know if your h got help to lower his levels?
Bttrfly and job, thank you so much for caring, this has honestly been the most challenging couple of years and without the wonderful support from such amazing people who have entered my life I would be still be hunched in a corner in a blob of pity and doom, I am humbled, so very very humbled by you all. Thank you.
