Mirage, thank you for your insights. I will check out your story.
S14 is back with me. He spent last night at W's place. W made Beef Wellington, twice baked potatoes, and cheesecake, and she said she said she "spoiled" s14 with this meal. I still feel pain when W offhandedly tells me things about her life with om - the meal was made for om.
I have a week of several doctor's appointments and tests. Tomorrow I have an MRI scheduled, along with an x-ray, and some lab tests.
They have pin-pointed the c8 of my spine as causing the continued loss of strength in my left arm. The burning in my legs is also caused by my spine, and the pain continues to grow, and so I am hoping they can also pinpoint the cause of this.
Tuesday d19 arrives in town. W called me and she was stressed out, saying she has "$5" to her name. She wanted child support so she can go out and have some fun together. One of the past month's child support was intercepted by the IRS, but for some reason the money was not given to W but put in "suspense". I don't know how to get the money released.
Thursday I see my lung doctor to find out what can be done about a lingering lung infection. So hopefully this is a good week for getting my health going in a better direction.
I have read more of your story. I have a connection with you and your story. Here are a few similarities:
- you had a good physical/emotional connection with your W; - W had a tummy tuck, pre-separation; - married 21 years when the separation took place; - the separation happened when W was pre-menopause.
There were other things, but my big question is WHAT HAPPENED? Your W was going to see the divorcer attorney. Then you stopped posting. You people who "glide along" in life... I hope that I can trap you long enough to answer some questions.
LOL " Glide Along". It was not so in the beginning. I was just surviving. This website was a map. A map to a life I wanted for myself....but I had to go through all the steps from denial to acceptance just like everyone here. It's not a free ride, but a ride worth taking.
I come here when I have time. I feel this life is a gift and the gift is people like the ones you meet on this site....So I choose to pay it forward, As much for my soul as it is a benefit to the ones just entering MLC land.
My time lines are probably hazy. After you GAL and your life moves on in a productive, happy, content manner time really doesn't mean much. For the record I did stand for probably two years.
My EXW, had the affair, lied basically every day while she was in the house, left me, the kids(then 18,15,11) and set out to live her own life. Not the life we had enslaved her to(her words). She told me the reason we were getting divorced was I took her to this pizza joint too much and she had to pick out my clothes. Needless to say that is quite the laugher for me now!!!
She did file, we divorced. It got ugly in court because I stood my ground. She wanted to have everything her way.(boy do I have stories, lol). It was the spoiled teenager routine. With DB it's easy to set boundaries now. You realize what a benefit this is in your life in many ways.
It's now approx 7 years later. Our children(2 adults now) see their mother in a truer light. Occasionally we speak about EXW but it is in relation to people losing there way in life and what are some of the things they can do now to address their internal life and come face to face with some things now so they may not be as problematic as they get older.
I really appreciate life. It's comedic at times. It's sad at times. It's happy at times. If you take time to learn the lessons taught here it really changes your life. I've had some major things happen in my life. As I look back now, that is just life and they all represented major learning opportunities.
I am a success story. My marriage was not saved. My EXW 7 yrs later still spews much venom. I do not fall into the trap. We do not co-parent. I tried for the first 3-4 yrs but you can't parent with someone still in MLC land. She does things that make you shake your head. It's best for me to stay out of the way and live my life. Our kids know if they want a relationship with her it's up to them. Not my issue.
I chose to be a rock in my kids life for the first 6 yrs afterward. I thought it was the right thing to do and if you hear them talk it definitely was.
The best advice I can give is to get your own life. Lead your children by example(they do watch) and teach them tools in dealing with adversity. This life truly is a gift but only if you have a positive mindset.
Mirage thank you for your advice and honesty. I'm sorry you had to go through this hell, but thanks for letting us know there is something positive on the other side for us LBSs, regardless of outcome with relationship, xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Spirit/mirage, you have such an interesting story, where you have gone thru MLC, and then your Ex has also gone thru MLC.
Thank you for your responses. I keep viewing my W as someone in control of what she is doing. Your story has helped me to better understand she may still be in the throes of confusion and even 'self-loathing'.
If you will permit me, I have a few more questions for you:
- why did you change your sign-on from 'Spirit' to 'mirage'? it seems there is a story here;
- Have you talked to your ExW after the divorce? It seems that your similar journeys going thru MLC gives you something that may be helpful for each other;
- Was there some event that triggered your entry into MLC? - for my W, it was the foreclosure of our home that we lived in for over 20 years;
- You've mentioned meditation as something that helped you out of MLC. Were there any people or conversations that were also helpful to you?
- How are your children doing?
Thanks again for anything that you provide to help us in the midst of the MLC battle.
People in MLC tend to self loathe, like your wife.
My description of MLC is "take the most physical pain you can imagine and then transfer that pain right into your mind. During my MLC(mine was an internal MLC)my goal was just to make it to the end of the day without dying. There were days I thought I would actually die from the mental pain.
My MLC took 2 1/2 yrs start to finish. I think my EXW is in an external MLC(Cheating, lying, drinking etc). All things outside yourself.
My trigger may have been my twin brother's suicide. Not totally sure about that.
I like spirituality. I think it makes us better people. Alas spirit was my original name, then I went on hiatus to live my life. Came back as mirage....That symbols paradox to me. Meaning what were supposed to see is not always what we see. Like putting puzzle pieces together. We learn as we go.
My EXW and I probably have had 3 conversations over the 6 yrs since seperation. I really like my life. I don't think she does. My daughter said recently "I think mom hates how well your life turned out". I would not want the woman she is now. She is still running from something and can turn monster very quickly. She turns on the kids at times and is angry many times.
I got into meditation as a result of my MLC. I practiced it from 1/2 way through my MLC to the present. The gift it gave me was to quiet my mind. Most peoples minds run constantly 24/7. I was able to shut it off. Really amazing the benefit it has on your mindset. I would highly recommend it.
I met a couple wonderful people that shared their MLC stories with me. It helped me know there was an other side to this depression. A way through or a way out. Their stories were almost unbelievable. The problem is you find very few people who make it through the tunnel and come out a complete, whole, person on the other side. Many get stuck at various levels of completion.
That's why the GAL, the heal yourself first, BD tools, they teach here are necessary. Become the best self you can in case your MLCer comes back. If not your going to have a great life anyway.
Wet, from all I read from your story you are doing great. I get why you want to stand, I get where you are. Be the rock because she can't be at this time. I don't have a crystal ball, there is no magic bullit through MLC. It takes a lot of internal work to get through. Most people take the external MLC route and that just makes it a much longer journey.
I will say this. You carry all the cards. You can decide what you will accept and what you won't. You can decide whether you want a relationship or not. you have the power to make this life wonderful.
I know this journey [censored] at times. But the some of the lessons will benefit you greatly.
Isn't he staying with you now? Yes, I understand the custody stuff, just wondering why you had to pick him up.
One thing I am understanding, just 7.5 years out from divorce is how happy you need to be in your own skin before you can add other people to your life. I know everything won't be rosy but liking who you are, creating a life that brings you peace and what you want out of life.
I hope you find your peace Tom.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
kat, it is wonderful to see you. Yes, feeling comfortable in one's own skin is the trick, isn't it.
Yes, s14 is dropped off after school at W's place. He was previously hanging out at a friend's house, but now is hanging out for a couple of hours until I pick him up. I have s14 all of the time now.
----- Friday's Lawyer Joke:
The district attorney was approaching the Suwannee River when he noticed a sign, “Caribbean Cruise – $99.00”. He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit min on the head, wrapped him in a rug, and threw him in the river.
The public defender noticed the same sign. He, too, bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug, and tossed in the river. The public defender awoke and called out to the district attorney, “Do they service drinks on this cruise?”
The district attorney replied, “They didn’t last year!”
I hope that I can trap you long enough to answer some questions.