surrealism is not my style

[ciluzen]

Thanks, Thor. I have been. I will keep the positives in mind. You are a very supportive person. Thank you so much for popping by my thread and listening during my weak moments. It helps to keep me going.

[broke]

Cil,

It's such a roller coaster isn't it? I agree with Thornton that there is a lot of positives to have hope. I can also understand your frustration and tears. First, we've made so many mistakes and want to have that second chance to reconcile. Second, we read into every single interaction. My H and I were in such a bad place over a month ago. I started db'ing 4 weeks ago and we are finally civil again and communicating. So I'm reading into every single time we meet or talk. He's filed and told me he doesn't want to reconcile. But I'm still hopeful and I try to "mind read" and dissect every word we say to one another. Obviously, that is not detaching. And it just makes things worse. Now I try to pat myself on the back when I detach and don't analyze every little thing.

I think you are doing everything you can. There are signs of hope. Keep validating and understanding. Sounds like it could be mlc. But he needs to figure out that on his own. Hopefully he just needs time and space to get there. Stay strong. We are pulling for you.

[Nel]

Cil, my friend, how are you doing? Keep DBing. I agree with broke in that this is a rollercoaster ride, and you have to hang on to survive. Try not to analyze every single interaction because it'll drive you crazy and get you off track. I think someone called it "paralysis by analysis." Just keep being the best YOU that you can be. You can not control any decision that your H makes, and I DO think it is a good sign that he is unsure.

I also don't like how everyone in my life is telling me to "move on." I think it was Cadet who posted to "move forward" instead. I like that so much better. Keep focusing on yourself and try to let your husband figure out his own stuff. I know it's so hard. I'm going through the same thing.

Nel

[ciluzen]

Thank you Nel, broke, and Thornton.

I had a rough couple of days. The despair started to overwhelm me a bit.

I got an absolutely wonderful "thank you" text from D23 2 days ago (she has struggled with some mental/emotional issues and is getting back on track)and it also fed into my emotional state. Thanked me for being a wonderful mom, praised me for all of my support and everything I did to help her succeed in life...what every mom wants to hear.

But I think this rollercoaster just was taking its toll. I went from feeling pretty good about not caring what H was up to, to analyzing his behavior this weekend, to being ok again with knowing I wouldn't hear from him during the week, to his odd call after leaving his L...just too much. Then add the intrusiveness of my mother, the needs of my D25, the sweet text from D23. Too much emotion. Of all kinds.

I need to sit down and rethink my goals, ala Thornton. Those were great goals, BTW.

I need to throw myself into the financials and appraisals requested by my L to prep for mediation and temp.orders. I need to behave as if it is a business transaction. I need to protect myself and make sure I will be ok.

I need to DB...hard. Get back into GAL for me. Stop being so darn hopeful. Yes there are positives, but I can't rely on a dramatic cinematic happy ending turn around. That's as much a fantasy as H's belief in me not loving him. I need to "move forward".

I do question whether my behavior this weekend was DBing. I was trying to show H my 180's (more secure, outgoing, willing to participate and have a good time, be more independent, adventurous, ...happy), but was I also allowing him to "cake eat"?

What do you think? Pull back more? Keep doing what I'm doing? I'm starting to feel like my head is stuck in a pillowcase and I can't see where I'm going.

[Vanilla]

C
I saw your call and I will work your thread. Please allow a little marinade time.


V

[JellyB]

Hey Sweet Cil, I haven't been around much, but just wanted you to know, you are someone I always check in on. I am at work at the moment so can't write very much, but felt like I needed to say I am still here, still reading and championing the amazing, glorious woman you are!

Lots of love Jellyxxxx

[Nel]

Cil-
I know what you mean by despair. Must be something in the air this week.

Did you read this post by Zues on hope's thread?

---------------------

So, all of the questions about "should I stand or not", or "should I have hope", or "am I stupid to have feelings for him", "I feel like he'll never change but I'm not sure", etc...none of them matter if they won't change your immediate actions.

And they shouldn't! No one should be making life changing decisions based on their emotions during a meltdown like this. So your actions should be to detach, GAL, 180, take care of yourself, and keep breathing. And to avoid destructive behavior that would burn bridges.

So when you ask what the difference is between detaching and giving up, I look at the actions, and since there is no difference in action, I say there is no difference between detaching and giving up. But I also look at standing for your M, and since there is no difference in your actions there, I say there is no difference between detaching and standing for your M. In fact, there is no difference between standing and giving up either, unless you change your actions as a result and go down a bridge burning destructive road.

So my advice is to give up on your marriage while you keep standing for it and do both while detaching.

-----------------------
I'm going to try this: giving up while standing for my marriage. We need to remember that we have no control over our H's actions. Just go about your life and keep busy. It worked for me last year, but I'm having a tougher time this time around. Let's pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and do this!

Nel

[broke]

That is really great advice from Nel via Zeus ^^^^

I couldn't have said it better myself. I am sorry you have had an emotional ride these past couple days. What a gift from D23! I can only hope that I will one day get that from my boys as I try to take the high road during this D. Be strong - obviously, you are a very good mom - take solace in that and pat yourself on the back. I hope you feel better very soon. ((hugs))

[Vanilla]

Cil

I guess you are seeking my view because you know what I am going to say?

You have had wonderful advice from Zues and Jellyb and great support and a lot of their advice is in my post although in my own way. I want you to take this with the spirit of support I intend, often I bite my tongue because I sense the poster may not be ready to shift.

You are playing far too nice and as mentioned by V before being triangulated.

WH is clearly enthralled by Bubbles, and she is an absolute minx having her ego boosted by triangulating herself. I suspect her WH is amused by it. I also suspect that madam is minxing.

My lovely not only have you played along with this you gave it your blessing. Encouragement even.

You apologised to the princess bubbles, attended her parties and all of you are behaving like 15 year olds out dating.

WH is being made a complete idiot.

You can't nice WH back, nor can you buy little gifts or keep persuing. He will have to learn he is being had and strung along by a truly unpleasant POW.The only way to do this is for WH to learn what life is like without you.

Detaching isn't enough. Zues has said that to you over and over in his inimitable way.

Time to get real and start to DB. To apply Sandis guidelines deliberately.

The only way to stop the school girlie interactions is to grow a pair and let go of the emotional rope.

This WH has sacked you as his W. If your boss sacked you would you go back with chocolates and flowers giggling and showing a smiling face?

This sounds very harsh when reality is biting, I know this.

I would like to shake you awake.

This likely isn't what you want to hear and you can choose to skip merrily like Pollyanna into the sunshine.

Hugs

V

[ciluzen]

Thank you for taking the time to look at my thread, Vanilla.