Divorce Papers

[TimR]

I am just so disappointed (what happens when you have expectations) and angry. My god am I angry!!

From here on out, I need to work on the anger and focus on the kid!

Thornton, I read your story of your exwife. That is my fear, how much fight do I have in me? Am I just going to have nothing left when she finally realizes the mistake she made? Will I be empty for her with nothing left to give. In the end will it all be for nothing? I can see a clear picture on others' thread but when it come to me, I just don't know... nothing is clear and I feel I am just spinning my wheels. Every insult kills a little more of my heart, will there be anything left alive in me when she is done or I decide to finally move on?

Really, how will I have trust again! My very first love, whom I was pre-engaged to in high school also cheated on me. Funny thing is it was at the same time as my dad caught my mom cheating. It was not until this relationship that I ever trusted someone. Even then I don't think I ever really let her in. So now whether I ever get W back or move on to a new relationship, how will I ever trust anyone again? How could I not have a wall built around my heart?

[Sparkls]

I'm struggling with this too. It's so easy to see other people's sitchs and have something meaningful to say, but we can't see through our own.

What I will say, as someone who has overcome severe abandonment issues, it does happen: it takes work. Trust is earned by the little things. The fight that doesn't end in someone on the couch. The openness that happens when you bare yourself to someone and they don't run or laugh. Of course, my sitch is bringing up all of my old abadonment issues but I'm not going to let him take that away from me too. And if you approach it with that mentality, you can master the pain. don't let what she did make you cold. She's not worth it. No one is. Remember, none of us gets out of this alive, how do you want to live? I made a conscious decision that Id rather get close to people and lose them than to never have had it at all. The pain to me is worth it.

[TimR]

But that is a real issue for me... Is the pain worth it? Does it make sense to take that risk? My only track record is of people doing this to me, so odds are if I open myself up it will happen again. That is what I know. I have walked around in a fog since January. It has gotten any easier on me in those two months and it is likely not going to get any easier. Actually, it will undoubtedly get worse, the divorce papers, seeing them together, hell they may even have a kid.... That would be the ultimate insult since she aborted mine. So really is it worth it?

[TimR]

Sorry I am so negative, it is the anger talking and I think for tonight, I better just try to get the sleep I can.

[Sparkls]

You'll have more better days (or so they tell me). But you can't ask yourself if it was worth the pain while you're still bleeding.
Ask a pregnant woman right after giving birth if she wants more kids. The answe is always no. But given time, the pain is forgotten for the gift it brought.

But I also know all about where you are right now. I've been feeling that all day. Dropping the rope,saying nope I'm done and going into protect mode but I also know that yesterday I felt different and I'll likely feel different tomorrow.

[TimR]

Well somewhat out of my meltdown last night. Only got 2 hours of sleep. It is very frustrating when sleep becomes your enemy because your mind wont stop racing. The anger is still there and trying to come to grips with it. All I can think of doing something to hurt her, then think I should not act until I calm down. For example she is still on my car insurance, I was thinking about calling and cancelling on her car today. Obviously not a good idea because it is completely out of anger. Then I think I should contact her and let her know she has till the end of the month before I cancel it. Not sure if the motivation there would be out of anger. Probably but why should I continue to pay.

Also thinking about filing for custody of the S13. He has been saying about wanting to live with me. I know this would not sit well for her and she would view it as an attack. But it may be better to do it now before too much time passes.

Needless to say I am trying to figure things out while my brain is not working properly!

[Cadet]

I think the best thing to DO right this minute is nothing.

Take a deep breath, and keep listening and watching with your mouth shut.

Get a good night sleep, take something called rescue sleep by Bach if you really need it.

When you are more rested then come back to the above post and decide what course of action to take.

[Thornton]

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

[TimR]

Thanks Cadet and Thornton. Unfortunately, I wont be able to get any sleep until tonight. I may take a sleeping pill though. I just hate the hangover effect they have. Right now I just have so much anger and so many unanswerable questions and just don't know how much fight I have left in me.

Sparks that's for your help last night too. I did not say it then but I appreciate it!

Am going to try and take a page from Thornton's book and have two me goals:

1. Make it down to 158 (MAWA open wrestling weight)which means continue the diet and workout with my club kids. Also if I am going to wrestle in the division I need to practice, so one of my other coaches are going to have to wrestle at club practice. We started that last night, I will just have to keep it up.

2. Train and Run a 5k. Did I mention I HATE RUNNING. This will be out of my comfort zone...severely out of it. But I just think it would be a 180 and GAL for me. Plus the training will also help me with goal one.

I will have to work on my goals more for me but this is what I got right now. Any help would be appreciated.

[Thornton]

Good job, Tim.

We're here buddy. Anytime you feel like exploding, just come here and vent.

Last night's events are still fresh for you, it's going to sting for a bit but it will slowly lessen it's grip on you.

Don't think to far ahead about trusting people and things like that. Your job is to just make it through today.

It's so easy for our minds to go into hyper drive and start to obsess about all these different scenarios. Slow down. Take a deep breathe.

This isn't the rest of your life. It's something for you to overcome, and you will.