[Irish M]

Hi Bright

I do read your posts and they and others like this reminds me I am not alone. My STBXW is in MLC because I see the same behaviour in mine as I do in yours. Not exactly the same but similar in the odd ways. If that makes sense.

I also doubt my posts. My MLC is a vanisher so I don't deal with her at all. Now that lawyers are involved even less.

You said something in your last post that stuck out to me:

I keep forgetting that he is in MLC (or is he?)

I feel like this sometimes. That's why I post and read up on other posts.. to remind me.

thanks again for all your support to me and my D's .. means a lot.
hugs

Irish

[2Times2Many]

Bright, I also wonder from time to time whether I do too much for my h. There's no question that he couldn't be living the life he is now if I weren't doing things like depositing his checks. I (and a lot of others) know how you feel.

There seems to be a fine line between enabling and keeping the door ajar. At least I think so. I try to keep the hope that some day when he comes out of the fog (I'm thinking positive, here) that he will realize that I could have tossed him to the wind, but didn't. IDK what kind of difference that would make but it does keep the path home more smoothly paved. As long as my boundaries are respected, I can live with that.

I also try to remember that he has to complete this journey and while my main focus is to safeguard and take care of myself, I don't want to make that journey worse or longer unless it's necessary for my well-being.

I think it is good that your h is taking the initiative to sort out the mortgage issues. You may need to provide him with the paperwork, etc. but at least he is fighting the fight and taking that off your plate. There was a time when my h would tell me what I should do about stuff like that and leave it on my plate to handle even though he could have taken care of it. (And then get upset when I didn't do it right!)

Please don't feel like your posts are boring. I know mine are too most of the time, but I find it helpful to "get it out" (even if it's sometimes embarrassing - yeah, I've done that). I think it helps us to stop putting so much focus on S, S's issues, our "wonderings" and allows us to refocus on taking care of and making a better "me".

[BrightFuture]

Job, Irish, 2T, thanks for your postings! I really appreciate every post.

Job, the reason I think that my posts are boring is because I don’t have much replies, sometimes none. I can see that people are reading. I think I already posted before that I normally don’t do much journaling. I need connection with people. I don’t talk about my sitch with anybody anymore, not with my friends, not with my family… This board is where I still get some support. When there are no replies to my posts, I just think that there is really nothing to say any more about my sitch and everyone is just tired of same old same old… It is probably the truth anyway… And I do feel silly sometimes for posting the details.

I also know that I’m not a frequent poster myself. I keep up with quite a few thread, just don’t have time and energy to post right away. It takes a bit more of effort from me to write compared to most people.

Anyway, I’m not complaining… I do appreciate all the support from everyone on this board. And I still get a lot of value by reading other stories and advice.

Irish, your MLCer is a lot worse than my, even though there some similarities. There is no question in my mind that your W is in full blown MLC. I just cannot imagine what goes through her mind, but it must be totally from some another world.

2T, I’ve been following your posts too. I can see that you are going through very similar feelings, and thoughts, and questions, as I have been recently. I’m also hoping that one day H comes out of the fog… But… I think I’m starting to give on up that…

Yes, I feel that there is a thin line between cutting off all the enabling behavior and allowing enough time for our H’s to finish their journeys. I just think that when I feel that it is over, none of this will matter anymore.

Yes, the mortgage issues… These are on H’s plate right now. I did all I could to help. The good thing is that he is paying the mortgage (even though both our names are on it, and also on the trust), and it is up to him to sort it out now.

Small update (I think…) I scanned and e-mailed H all the escrow statements. He thanked me. Then next day I received another text from him, asking me to write the principal and escrow amount on the next check that I will send to the mortgage company (which would be less than what’s on the bill.) I replied that I will do, and that I was actually thinking to do exactly the same. He replied “Cool”. Just the fact that he replied is kind of significant. H used to be mad at people who wanted to have the “last” word in texting. He did just that, LOL. I’m sure he just wanted to make sure he was extremely polite with me, LOL.

Now, a couple of “cases” of MLCer bad memory… I sent H a company file a few weeks ago and then asked him to send it back to me after he made his updated (paying the credit card bill). I uploaded his file yesterday and notices that there were a few records missing… Then I restored my file (that I sent to him) and realized that he actually didn’t load my file before making his updates. So, I sent him an e-mail yesterday, attached my file again and asked him to do it right this time – download my file, then make his updates and send the file back to me.

I came home after work and there was no e-mail from H. So, I texted him, telling him about my e-mail. He texted right back… “Oops, I think I downloaded it but forgot to finish it. I will pay attention tomorrow!” OMG! Is this some serious memory/attention issue?... Or… is he playing with me?...

I’m planning on going to the vacation home this weekend, for the off-roads annual event. I’m still trying to sort out the accommodation, since H is still there. I think my son, his GF and maybe their friend will be going too. So, I assume they will stay at the condo with H.

[job]

No, your h isn't playing w/you with respect to memory issues. We have had discussions about the memory for many years on the forum. Their memories become mush. They can't read more than a couple of lines of a text, email or letter. Their attention span is that of a gnat. They all have memory issues in their current lives. It's not a game. So, tuck that little question about playing w/you in the file 13 drawer.

It is very important that we check to ensure that payments are made, data updated, etc., to ensure that things are done. In many cases they do forget. Now that you are aware of the memory issue, be sure to check everything he does for the company files, etc.

Bright, what have you been doing for yourself? I like to read more about you. Has your roof been repaired? What are your plans for the spring?

[peacetoday]

BF

Hi,,,Hope you enjoy the weekend at your vacation home
so good to get away sometimes!

[tfish08]

Please don't think we are not replying because your posts are boring. In my case I have no smart answers to give as I have no clue what to do with my cuckoo cachou man lol. I do read them. I think you are doing so good. Take care of yourself and keep posting.

[2Times2Many]

BF,

I totally get the memory issue. I used to wonder, too, if it was some game he was playing, but I saw it a lot with other people and realized his memory is pretty bad. In my sitch, logic and good decision making also seem have taken a hit.

I don't get a lot of replies on my thread either but I keep posting. I figure, if nothing else, it helps others to know they aren't alone in LBS land.

I hope you enjoy the weekend!

[LouR]

Hey Bright

I do read your posts and I know that I should just say : hi, I have read your post, big hugs : just so you know I am thinking about you; lately my posting has become less, maybe because I really feel I have nothing to say that is of any value. I need to a be a better friend to all here.

Navigating this new path we find ourselves on is so challenging huh, it doesn't seem to make any sense until we reflect backwards and see how much we have changed and grown, how much we have learnt, grieved and survived.

I love reading your posts Bright, we all have a connection - our loved one has unexpectedly left us; mentally, emotionally and in most cases physically gone, no explanation, no reasoning and no telling if they will return. Your story, your posts, the highs and lows of Bright help everyone here, you support others with empathy and I thank you for being there for me through my own journey.

I am sorry I don't have anything wise to say, I leave that to those who are better with words and more knowledgeable about mlc and living for yourself; none of which I profess to being any good at. You are living your life as best you can and in a way you feel is right for you, you are honest with your posts and I admire you so much for the ability to be open.

{{hugs}} for you, keep posting and allowing me into your life, lessons are learnt from the most unexpected places.

[mleigh4]

Hi Bright. Please don't think your posts are boring! I can only keep up with a handful on here and you are one I follow. I just haven't had much wise advice to give!

Many times I only have time to read, and I will speak for many of us here, every post on here helps. It keeps us all connected, knowing we are not alone. It's special for us to be able to help each other through a very traumatizing event in our lives.

Keep posting, even if just to get something off your chest. Sending you hugs, I hope you have a nice time in the vacation home

[BrightFuture]

OMG, thanks everyone, Job, peacetoday, tfish08, 2T, Lou, mleigh! You all made me cry. I’m trying to keep up with everybody’s posts too. I try to post as much as I can. It just not much time lately. And I also understand that everybody has the same thing… not much time to post. It is very comforting to know that my posts could be “useful” for some.

Peacetoday, I am absolutely intended to enjoy my weekend! I will not be staying at my vacation home thought. Some updates to follow…

tfish08, I’ve keeping with your tread too. I just need to find the time to post more. I do think that I’m doing good too… until I have these moments, you know. I’m able to recover a lot quicker these days though.

2T, we need to compare the notes, LOL. We have a lot of similarities in our stories.

Lou, don’t discount yourself, you’ve been giving some great advice to some folks here. And you are definitely one of the super stars here. You are able to navigate this MLC world quite nicely. I know that there are doubts and bad days, but you are doing great! I can see how much you have grown and learnt. It quite remarkable what you were able to accomplish. And I can see that there is a lot more ahead of you.

Mleigh, I read every one of your posts. I can relate to a lot of your feelings. You are questioning if this version of H is it, and if this what you want. I have the same questions, as my H seems to be keeping in touch and there is no known OW, but there is also no movement towards the other side.

Job, I are always the first one to save my @ss, LOL. I cannot even express how much I appreciate it. I did get my roof fixed. It cost me $300, including the tiles and some fixing on the loose edge tiles that needed some re-alignment. I think it was a good deal. About the memory issues… I think it has gotten worse. Is there any correlation between memory getting worse and any stages of MLC? Just curious. H seemed to be more functional before. Or, maybe it just my impression, since we didn’t have this much of “detailed conversations” (read texts and e-mails) before.

I don’t know what my plans for the spring are. I just go with the flow. I’ve been quite depressed about my upcoming B-day. I’m going to the vacation home place this weekend. Except, I will not be staying at the condo, since H is still there. My son and his GF are going too, and I assume they are staying at the condo with H. I called my mutual friends today and they told me that H’s brother (my BIL from here) is going to be there too. Wow! It will be interesting…

My mutual friends finally found a decent deal for me for the accommodations. I don’t want to pay a full rent on some of these condos, it is expensive. So, I was looking for a deal, and after a couple of failed attempts they were able to get one for me. My neighbor is going with me. She decided to go at the last moment and I’m glad that she is coming.

I have absolutely no expectations for this weekend, except for trying to relax and have some fun. I need some time off, as my work life has been quite stressful lately.