Need help. Threading water, must learn to swim.

[G8r]

Thanks for the support rich4j and TimR. I really need it today. I've really wanted to tell my WW how much I love her and ask her what's changed between us. Just last July we were making plans for the future and working on a 2nd kid. That seems like years ago now.

Doesn't look like my WW is really all that happy either.

My D3 just came and gave me a hug. It hit the spot but at the same time it almost made me cry. Got to go pay attention to D3.

[broke]

G8r,

I am so sorry you got the papers. It was such a nosedive for me when they came - one of the worst days (along with the bomb drop and finding out about A). And, I can tell you I begged and pleaded after they arrived for a reconciliation and it made it worse. I am right there with you - it feels very final when those papers come especially because my H has an OW like your W has OM. But, I still have hope. Trying to focus on db'ing for myself though and moving away from the hope. But, I know that will take a lot of time. Hope spending time with D3 makes you feel better. Thinking of you.

[trumpet]

Got served in January. It gets better- trust me.
You are a few steps behind her when you get the papers. Time to catch up.
Tough things to think about, but you need to: child placement, where the $$$ is, where it's going to go, kid's assets, 401k money contributions, parenting plan, etc.

What do you WANT? And what can you live with? Make a list of those things.

You can only control what is within you, your actions, and how you relate to your kids. I'd go absolutely, completely dark with the wife. Need to show how it will be divorced.

Complete GAL/DB'ing is now needed.

[G8r]

Hi broke. Thank you for the support. The earlier hug from D3 was the perfect remedy but also my biggest rope. I hate the thought of not seeing her everyday and how much of her growing up I will miss because she is growing soooooo fast. I know I'll have plenty of opportunities to spend time with her but it's not the same. It will all become regimented and that is not the type of person I am. I prefer spontaneity and flying by the seat of my pants. It drives my WW crazy (always has) but that's how I roll.

I thought about talking R or at least different homes separation today but resisted the temptation. Didn't see how it would help. LLike you I have some hope left, some days more than others.

Hi Trumpet. Thanks for the support. Sorry to see that your sitch took a downturn. I had more hope for you than myself. Thanks for the reminder of the many things I'm going to need to do. Always have been a procrastinator so perhaps that will be a 180 for me. We'll see what happens. Things have a way of working out for the best in the end or at least that's my new hope. Tomorrow is the time to start making it happen. Need some rest tonight.

[Thornton]

I'm sorry G8r.

It's still not over unless you say it is. Keep standing for your M if you believe in it.

Focus and you and D3 and back away from W for right now. Let her notice your absence. You can still be cordial but find things away from W to keep you busy.

Hang in there.

[Tyler12]

G8r. I am sorry for the sitch you are in. Have a look back at the positives that the whole thing has brought out in you! We started here about the same time and you have made amazing step into becoming the man a fool would leave.

I fully understand how hard it is when you don't see your children every day. Believe me. I won't sugar coat it, it's hard. The positive that does come out of it, you are never satisfied with an ok day with them ever again. Every moment from here out is a wonderful gift with D3. I know you have been rocking it in the dad department, this gives you the drive to be better than you ever thought you could be for her. Be her lighthouse, her beacon.

You are an amazing person, each day is a new adventure. Make the best of it

[CWOL]

Got served in January. It gets better- trust me.
You are a few steps behind her when you get the papers. Time to catch up.
Tough things to think about, but you need to: child placement, where the $$$ is, where it's going to go, kid's assets, 401k money contributions, parenting plan, etc.

It was very tough for me too. My WW gave me a 20 minute warning before the process server showed up. My S11 was there too, he read the papers so that he realizes who's breaking up our family.
Re: 401k contribution: I didn't think about that. I should stop all contributions now right? Because it will just benefit WW.

[CWOL]

The worst part about all this is it's done by the person that cheated on my marriage, and now is trying to make me look like the bad guy. I feel sick just thinking about it.

[G8r]

Thank you for the support and encouragement Thorton, Tyler12 and CWOL.

I plan to continue standing for my M Thorton but I'm not sure how much longer. I've always kind of felt that once we are ddivorced that would be it. Although we still live in the same house, I have cut waaaaàay back on interacting with WW. I try to be cordial and not be cold and indifferent to her but I think she perceives my communications with her as cold and distance. Any suggestions for remaining cordial?

Thank you so much for your kind words Tyler12. I really needed them yesterday evening so thank you. I really appreciated and value them. I'm doing my best to be a lighthouse and beacon for D3. She already feels the frostiness of the D (not from either of us towards her) because I WW has so much anger and resentment towards me and she has trouble hiding it. She projects that anger to me and then blames my anger for D3's problems. Grrrrrrrr....

I'm so sorry to hear your WW is trying to make you the bad guy, CWOL. That stinks and is so unfair. My WW often gets mad at me and complains that I am trying to make her the bad guy by refusing to say that the D is partially my idea. I refuse to take ownership of that because I still don't want it. I told my WW early on that the only way I would be ok with a D was if we made an honest attempt to R and it still didn't work out. That never happened so the D is completely on her. That's not to say I'm shirking responsibility for problems in our M. I'm not. We both ccontributed to our problems. It's just that she has chosen to blow everything up because working is too hard. It's easier to run from problems than confront t problems.

[broke]

My WW often gets mad at me and complains that I am trying to make her the bad guy by refusing to say that the D is partially my idea. I refuse to take ownership of that because I still don't want it. I told my WW early on that the only way I would be ok with a D was if we made an honest attempt to R and it still didn't work out. That never happened so the D is completely on her. That's not to say I'm shirking responsibility for problems in our M. I'm not. We both ccontributed to our problems. It's just that she has chosen to blow everything up because working is too hard. It's easier to run from problems than confront t problems.

I could've written this exact paragraph to describe my situation. When I got the papers, my S12 said "well just don't sign them or the court can deny the divorce because we should be a family". Not only was it devastating for me but for my sons, too. And, I absolutely hate splitting up the time with my kids also. It makes me so sad that we can't take family vacations and the kids are shuttled back and forth.

I am still db'ing for myself and my M. But, I so understand how you feel. It is heartbreaking - like you are on a runaway train and you can't do anything to stop it. Know that you are not alone in your sadness, G8r. I hope today is a better day.