She's thinking of leaving again 3

[Scrant]

In her mind! edit button?

[Sotto]

My guess is she's trying to keep all options open. Doesn't want to give up OM. Has doubts about OM. Partly misses 'home.' Doesn't want to go back to how she felt 'before.' Wants to check if you're still 'on the hook.' It's all a little crazy and may not change any time soon.

The main thing is to stay detached from 'crazy' and not spend too much time worrying about what it all means. Your W probably doesn't know that - confusion and more confusion.

I think you are on a good course though and I think you maintain good self-control in the face of these challenges. Minimally available, though pleasant, rebuilding your life etc. That's all good stuff. Best to leave her to work through whatever may be going on and avoid a triangular relational situation above all. Xx

[Scrant]

Thanks for your thoughts Sotto. It is hard to step back sometimes and analyze things clearly. I think you are right so on with NC and GAL.

[Scrant]

NC can be hard. Today I tried a forgiveness meditation which brought up a lot of emotions. Found myself thinking about her miss you message and wishing I had asked In what way? Too late now.
She has been posting on a wider family message group photos of food she has cooked to give to S today. Later she texted me for the first time since Monday to ask me to look for a couple of books to give to S for her this afternoon.She can't remember the title of one so I texted back saying I'd try if I had time and asking for more info. She didn't reply. Feel disappointed that I feel so affected by her and fighting the urge to text more being chatty about S and all the other things we used to talk about.

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, I think to respond to 'I miss you' with 'in what way' would apply immediate pressure, so I'm glad you didn't go there. It is always best to respond with something more neutral - like 'thanks W' & leave it at that.

I can recall a post from a while back. A poster's WAS had asked them face to face - do you miss me? I can't recall what the poster replied - but the advice was to say - of course there are things I miss about us being together. We we were together a long time & I have many happy memories...(all said calmly and looking happy.)

I don't think that works for text & a statement rather than a question - but it may be worth bearing that one in mind in case she does ask directly at some point.

Keep fighting the urge to text more. She would love to have you as her chum if you give the opportunity. However, I don't think that will serve you well in the longer term. If she wants you to get the book, she'll come back with more info for sure.

Take care & good job with the meditation - emotions are always better brought up than stuffed down. Xx

[pinn]

Hi Scrant,

Our situations have taken an eerily similar turn. I feel like I read your situation, and found myself in the same position days later. It was weird, but helpful.

I run into the same issues as you. I take one of course of action that is well thought out. I feel good for a few days and then begin to second guess every aspect of what I had done, similar to you with the I miss you text. The the urge comes to contact. It will be non-existent for weeks, but then it comes back strong, very hard to resist. I think we are doing pretty well. Just need to stay strong.

[Si_07]

Hi Scrant and Pinn, I feel your struggles of trying to understand trying to analyzing any interaction, I do it regularly and my W is still at home. She is due to move next week, but i still get many random texts, phone calls to find out when I'll be home from work etc. she wants to know where I go, who I see often. Questions I answer politely but without any information.
I will be curious to see how things will be different when she has moved out, a I don't ask her anything at all about her day, etc.

There will always be some contact because of our kids but I have taken no interest in her life, for the most part, for several weeks. I want to take some strength that you show and give strength to you both and how you are handling things in the world I am about to enter.
Thanks

[Scrant]

Thanks to all of you for the support and comments. I know we shouldn't overthink every interaction and generally as many vets say the best course is to do nothing. In the end I guessed the W's book so there was no need for contact. Back to NC and GAL, and trying to find the next level of detachment. I know that soon I'll have to be in touch over finance and Easter holiday plans so find myself speculating and second guessing her response in advance which doesn't help when trying to live in the day. Thanks for all the support and strength given on this site, I read many sitches here but don't think I can give better advice than the many kind vets, I'm still feeling my way towards the light!

[Scrant]

First contact with W for a week. Had to text about S and plans for summer. Formal and friendly enough. She finished her last email How are you? Fancy meeting anytime? Miss you.
Ball in my court. Don't know what to say really. The miss you makes me think she misses my company as a friend but who knows?

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, I tend towards no response on that one...but if you do want to respond - just do so on the basis of - good thanks! - all pretty busy just now - take care....

Or something along those lines you know?? No point in meeting up for a chummy coffee when she remains entangled with OM IMHO....