Thank you job and Sotto, I try not to include h in my decisions, what I do, where I go etc. I haven't told him anything about my latest health issues, its none of his business right now.
So today's random h act - he sent me a link to a property with a text saying " was bored and found this"
The link took me to a property page, the house being pretty much exactly like the one we talked about moving into for our last home (pre bd); a wood house with a wrap around veranda so we can watch our g/kids play in the garden (this is a future dream lol).
To make things even more bizarre it is in the location he mentioned "us" moving to after all this, so that we can start over with no history there.
I text replied " um, ok!? The house looks lovely. You really do have some random thoughts !!"
H - " I am a puzzle wrapped up in an enigma"
Me - "indeed"
H - "Not sure how I got to looking at houses!"
At this point I knew we could well get into dodgy territory, so I changed the subject completely.
The random-nous of his thoughts really does intrigue me lol.
My foundations took a rocking when I read Cali's latest posts, it has taken me some time to stop the shaking I feel in my bones. When I (and probably most newbies) joined this board I read so many threads, searching for hope, wanting to know that reconciliation is possible and it does happen. I came across Cali, he was my Hope.
As time has gone on, it has become less about reconciling with my h and more about my own journey, my own growth, trials and tribulations, my successes.
I then got what I wanted to hear, those words from h that I never thought I would - "I want to be with you". But little did I know that it was not going to be that simple, that it was just the start of my next chapter .....or three ...or ten, and Cali's latest twist in his story has highlighted how uncertain and unpredictable my sitch will end for me.
It has taken me rolls of industrial duct tape, titanium handcuffs and every distraction I know to not contact h and bombard him with questions and demands of "knowing where I stand". I did really well .....until today. Well, this is me and I am not known for going by the book am I !!
h text me this morning about our car project, we had a short text convo about it and then I wrote the text - in my head I was not going to push send, but I did, it was gone and well what is done is done.
Thankfully it turned out ok -ish.
So I text " Its been a couple of months since xmas, u haven't talked about it, whether ur can stayed sealed or moe worms escaped - i'm thinking the latter as you have not wanted to spend anymore time with me. So if poss, sometime when you have had time to gather your thoughts, I'd like to know how things are with you - just keeping me in the loop."
h replied " Of course. Give me a day or 2 to get things into some kind of order that will make sense and I'll be in touch. Being with you is still very much my focus"
I replied. " thank you - and that's good to hear so thank you for saying that".
So I await to hear how he is doing.
Other news - I went back to the Dr for the second lot of blood results. He has put me on a 2 month trial of diclofenac to see if that helps with the pain in my joints. So far, its not a magic pill but does take the edge off.
My second set of bloods included thyroid as I have a history of a Mulitnodular Goitre which resulted in hyperthyroidism, I was treated with radioactive iodine (which my boys got excited about as they read I would have glow in the dark pee for a week, but it was not true - dont ask lol). That was in 2011 so after 2years monitoring I was discharged. My last scan was in 2014. So my bloods came back showing my TSH is 5, which is subclincal hypothyroid, the opposite direction ugh. As the count is high but not too high I have to have repeat blood test end of March. But the count is high enough to contribute to why I feel so tired and my mood is low, it can also give joint pain - sigh.
But good news is that the mole is fine ....age ....oh yes, he actually said its my age lol. I had photos taken with a special camera and it explained to me - just looked like lots of little circles, which is apparently a good thing.
Work wise - still plodding along. I am on holiday this week, I haven't planned much, maybe catch up with a couple of g/friends, maybe a visit to the beach. Just time away from work is nice.
So that's all from me. Nothing exciting I am afraid, but perhaps that's a good thing. No drama.
Thank you for updating, I think of you often. I agree, Cali's post has really shaken many of us here.
I can relate with you, I too came here in hope of saving my marriage and have accepted this is no longer what my journey is about nor possibly, for me, no longer possible. I am speaking on behalf of my own feelings, not H.
I still do continue to look for hope in posts, and yours is one of them. I can't imagine it is easy to be in your shoes with your H, but I think you handle it well. It all really does move at a snails pace. I hope he will fill you in on his world soon.
I hope your treatments help with your health and hope you have a good week.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hi Lou, Glad you posted an update. Nothing to add except to say that I am keeping you close in my thoughts and prayers. You are a strong person and a positive lady. I know this is such a tough journey and you have moved with grace and hope. You are a hero to me. Thanks for being you.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
It's not"subclinical" hypothyroidism if you're fatigued and having aching joints. Most patients treated with radioactive iodine ablation will become hypothyroid eventually. I'd push for treatment, you'll likely feel much better once you get some thyroid hormone in you. Also, with your history, you have a 1 in 20 chance of having full blown celiac disease and a 65% chance of having some degree of gluten intolerance. Consider trying a gluten free diet, it may be the key to your joint pain.
Thank you mleigh, Gwen and kml for your kind words, thoughts and information.
Gwen - how are you ??
Originally Posted By: mleigh
I can relate with you, I too came here in hope of saving my marriage and have accepted this is no longer what my journey is about nor possibly, for me, no longer possible. I am speaking on behalf of my own feelings, not H.
mleigh - my view has certainly changed along the way. I no longer NEED my h, so the question is "do I WANT him". I never thought I would think this way, I imagined that I would wait until my last day on earth for him, that I forgive anything he has done and said, as that is what you do when you love someone ......yet somewhere along the way I found myself questioning my convictions, I wonder if there is more out there for me, I wonder if he really deserves me.
I was approached recently by a g/friend asking me if I would be a part of an exciting project she is exploring. She wants to create a retreat for women, its about healing the mind, body and soul from whatever reason has lead them there. She wants me to be a part of her Dream Team to run it. I am so flattered she asked me. It has sat with me for a while; what an exciting project, it offers me a home, friendship and a new way of life. BUT - its in the UK, the other side of the world to my children and yes, also h.
Once upon not a long time ago I would have discounted the notion of this idea, but now h and this project jossle for top spot -
So I do understand what you are saying - life moves on and the further away from h it gets then harder it is to imagine a life with him again.
Kml - thank you for the information. I was told that after 2yrs post a RI treatment its unlikely I would become hypothyroid, so to have differing information helps. One of my nodules has suspicious markers, but after 3 failed attempts to get a viable biopsy sample I was discharged and told to come back if I had any more trouble. My Dr wants a second blood test to confirm my levels which will be done end of march to give sufficient time between the tests. If this one comes back high then I will be referred back to the specialist. Hopefully I will then be put on meds and get another scan.
Your information on celiac disease and gluten intolerance is interesting, I have not heard of this before so will research it. I know there are allergy tests that can be done - is that something you recommend or just trying a gluten free diet?
Ideally you would have a celiac disease blood test done first before you start a gluten free diet ( because the gluten antibodies will go away over time if you stay gluten free.)
However even if the test is negative, you should try a gluten free diet. The test only picks up full fledged celiac disease and can miss people who have lesser degrees of gluten sensitivity.
Hi Lou - just caught up on all your journaling. Just want you to know that I am thinking of you.
The opportunity in the UK sounds amazing. And it is quite flattering that you were sought out for it. I wonder what you will do here? I can see the confliction given that your children and H are in NZ. Flights in and out of NZ are long and very costly so I understand it is not a decision to be taken lightly.
I too feel I had the rug pulled out from under me in regards to Cali's situation. It is a reminder that we must keep focusing on ourselves.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
^^^ yes to what K said about gf. sugar, dairy and eggs are all known allergens. don't tackle eliminating all at once as its hard!!! tests are fine but the gold standard is still elimination and re-introduction after 4-6 weeks off.
i can walk you thru it if u want to go that route.
that position sounds amazing, and also a decision to be made after much thought. sending you {{{{{hugs}}}} and prayers for clarity.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Really, my mind was made up before the offer!! I cannot walk away from not knowing if h and I can make it through this and come out the other side back together. If there had been no glimmer of possibility then I would have really considered the offer, but reality is, it is possible so I am not done here by a long way.
If things don't work out and I decide its time to shut the door, then I can always go join in then, I am sure they will always welcome me, its kinda what the retreat is about -
I am still getting my head around this hypothyroid stuff but promise to look at what is involved in changing my diet - I am really not good at depriving myself of things I have come to love - I also know that is doesn't have to be restrictive, so I should not be closed to the idea of trying something that may help me feel better. So thank you kml and bttrfly for taking the time to give me information, I really do appreciate it.
Still waiting for my email from h, but in the meantime he has been texting with me most of the day, all light, just chit chat, I dont want to scare him off just as I am about to get an update from him !!
Thank you once again for your replies {{hugs}} to you all.
