Divorce Papers

[TimR]

Thank you broke, yeah it is hard when the one you spent so much time with and were so intimate with that they saw you at your complete best and worst, don't even acknowledge your birthday.

However, this morning I woke in a good mood and while the bad days are ever so low, the good days are getting a little higher and a little more frequent. As far as GALing, now that the actual school season is coming to a close, I intend am beginning to work out harder with the club kids. Next week I intend that my son and I, along with him, will start a weight and cardio routine on the off nights. There is an open wrestling tournament in March that since I never got to see my dad wrestle I will do so my son can see me wrestle. Which means I HAVE GOT TO cut some weight. 41 years tends to make a guy a little fluffy. Also, I was looking around my house and together with cleaning the mess she left for me, I think I will also decorate a bit. When I was single I never decorated at all and just had blank walls. This time I think I will decorate a bit and spruce the place up. Finally, I have been in a fog with my head no where near being right, needless to say my work has suffered. My third goal is to start hitting work a lot harder!

Goals:
1. Lose weight and wrestle MAWA
2. Clean and decorate house
3. Work, work, work!

[TimR]

So as much as I did not want to had to contact W today. S was locked out and needed his wrestling bag for practice. Conversation went like this,
"S is locked out and needs his stuff for practice, I tried to call other S to get the key but he is not answering his phone."

W "I am at the market, I can just run home and let him in."

Me "No there is no reason for that, I.... (thinking) can have him wear old shows"

W "Well if he would pull this Sh!t about riding the bus to your house."

Me "Yeah I am not sure why he does it"

W Well he needs to get his a$$ home.... Why do you sound so pouty?"

Me "Pouty, I am not pouty." (I have to admit S was being very grumpy and had me in frustrated.)

Me "I am not sure why he keeps coming"

More complaining about him coming to my house after school.
Then WHAP!!! BANG!! SNAP! Old W gets on the phone and we talk about her being sick and her week at work. She actually finishes at the market, runs home and then runs the 20 miles out of her way to bring his shoes.

I in turn sent a thank you text and that S was now in a better mood.

These swings are something. At least when we steered the conversation away from the kids and S being with me she did her own 180. When the conversation went about her week at work and being sick I was sure to empathize and validate that she has probably been working so hard she ran herself down and weakened her immune system. I just wish I was not the one to have to initiate contact. So I guess I am still failing at not pursuing.

[TimR]

Well the fluctuations continued through out the weekend for me which while I keep telling myself detach continue to affect me and dampen my mood.

On Saturday W was happy to drop S off so I could take him to weigh ins. She text me when she was on her way to drop him off and even text a bit about what she was doing. So it was fine, not promising, get your hopes up but fine. Took S to weigh in and then to eat. He decided he wanted to stop and watch the high school kids at sectionals.

I was only planning on staying a bit but after only 1/2 hour, I get a text "why is my S not home" Knowing there was going to be trouble, I figured I would hit it head on rather than allowing her to stew and anger her further. Wrong choice!!! Upon calling she immediately began yelling at me. Telling me this is why she left me, because I never think about her and just do what I want. I don't care about anyone but myself. She knows what I am doing and is not going to put up with it. And while SHE is trying to be civil about all this I continue to treat her poorly. I tried to validate but that was not working. I know she could tell by my voice that she got to me.

After her yelling at me so long and me trying to say I understand you are angry, we are leaving now I can drop him off where ever you are, I eventually decided to hang up on her and keep the boundaries. I calmed down and text her, I understood while she was angry but I would not allow her to speak to me like that anymore. If she wanted to talk fine but not threatening or accusing me. She of course text back still angry.

Later then I told text her saying what time S needed to be at the tournament. I planned to go out for a beer with a friend and she called when she called me of course while I was getting out of the shower. I acted as if and made sure to have a smile on my face when I answered. When she complained she could not hear me very well cause she was on speaker, I explained to her I had just got out of the shower and was getting dressed (which is unusual for me, so she knew I was going somewhere) she then started accusing me of acting weird. She did not ask where I was going. Instead she just kept say, "You are just acting so weird, I can't handle it." and "why are you acting so weird."

Today then she was fine at the tournament. We joked a bit but she was not really warm. She left S with me as she had a viewing to go to. After I got home, she text me a thank you for bringing S back and told me about the viewing. I validated and she text a few more times.

One thing I noticed is the longer she is away from her mom, the better our R is currently. But if she spends any significant time with her mom, I am sure to hear about something.

Also it seemed to bother her that I was going out, but I do not think she could bring herself to ask what I was doing. I do not know if it will help at all, but I had some fun.

Just when I think that I am detaching well, she throws me these curve balls. Dropping the rope and detaching would be easy if she was always mean. However, when she is nice I just think of wanting her back so bad and touching and holding her.

Regardless, guess I will see what this week brings.

[1313]

I think sometimes we forget the dynamics of other people and their affect on the people we're trying to deal with. Unfortunately, it sounds like your MIL is taking any potential for consistency out of the equation.

I'm sorry to hear you got jumped on so fast. Especially when your S is trying to have a life as well. It's not your fault that he's a thinking human being, not something you carry around in a box. If he was, you'd probably be on time - right?

I almost envy you though - at least you've still got some communication happening - no matter how whacky it may get.

I know what you mean by trying to detach. It's like that rope turned out to be crazy glued in your hand! The craziest things happen to keep it there.

Here's to a happy Monday TimR!

[TimR]

First I got no sleep last night. I had dreams about her and her friends talking to her and her insisting that she had to be with OM. I woke up on the verge of tears... again.

Then...

Come on, why do the kids have to suffer! It is one thing to take her moods out on me, but not the boys. Tonight I was doing good GALing. Since school wrestling for Jr. High is over, I got a full day in at work and then after club wrestling was over got a good work out in with my advanced judo class. Despite being off for the last two months the weight I lost has made me much faster and I was hitting throws well. It was nice and the concentration it takes to go live gave me an hour of not thinking about my sitch. Afterwards, I called my assistant coach and we discussed the progression of the wrestlers. I felt like driving by WW's house and even managed not to do it! (btw I think my ability to not drive by to see if she was home is a step in the right direction) Then BAM

I get a text from S. "I wish I could come live with you"
Me: Why
S: Cuz I love you more
Me: What's going on buddy

He then proceeded to tell me how she is always yelling at him and his brother. She was threatening to get rid of the dog because the boys were supposed to make sure the dog got out. And then surprise surprise they didn't. The dog went on the floor.

I know how she gets when she is angry she just can't stop her complaining. Now I feel so bad for the boys because instead of directing her anger at me, now the boys are the focus. I feel like I should save them by making an appearance and having her focus her anger on me but I know that will push her further from me. But really do they need to suffer??

Sometimes I think it would be easier and healthier for me to just walk away from the entire situation. Yes, I know years from now and the rest of my life I would regret it. But just give me one full good day... just one!

[Thornton]

Sounds like a rough day, Tim. Sorry about that, my friend.

Gotta take the good with the bad. I feel bad for the boys, the only thing you have control of is your R with them. Be the best dad you can, they need you.

[Phoebe]

So sorry for what you're going through TimR.

"But just give me one full good day... just one!"

You can make this happen.

Set a boundary for your own sanity and self-preservation. Declare a whole day as one that will belong to you, and you alone. No W and no kids (obviously you love them, but any time with them necessarily involves their mother, so choose a day you're not scheduled to see them). Turn off the cell phone and just go out and get yourself lost for a whole day. You deserve it.

[TimR]

More dreams again, I can't really remember what these were but must not have been good cause again woke in the middle of the night about to break down.

Then when the alarm went off, I awoke feeling some kind of indifference. On the way to work heard the anthem for all LBH of WW and WAWs... Asia - Only Time Can Tell. Don't judge me I am old and like the 80s channel. At least I am no longer listening to Boyz 2 Men - End of the Road.

So work has been ok, I spend a lot of time on this board which maybe I should not.

Then a post my MIL to her "For TR you know who you are. My daughter's loser husband" The quote "The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love with no intention of loving her." I am sad and angry all at once. First I am convinced there is a special place in he11 for a MIL who encourages their D to cheat and walk away from a marriage. Second, how can anyone say I do not or did not love my W! If the pain I feel is not for love lost, I would hate to see what that feels like. If my efforts are not from love then where do they come from. How could I love anymore and where does this sense of me not loving come from! ARGH!!!

Today is going to be a great day, today is going to be a great day....

[TimR]

btw, I have a sense this hostility has something with her being mean to the boys last night. I have a feeling youngest S probably went off on her last night. He is very much like her with his temper. As they both are aware of what is going on, I am sure he probably let her have it. Despite me telling him to have patience with her and to tell her he loves her. I also said she is really hurting right now just like me. I am assuming he did not follow my advise and surely fought back. As only a WW can, I am sure she sees this as entirely my fault and doing...

[TimR]

Ok just wanted to say I officially HATE this entire program. I just met with a client about a divorce. She seemed uncertain and rather than taking as much of her money as I could (after all I am a lawyer) gave her the name of both books and told her to get counseling, read the books and if she decides to get a divorce in a few months then call me. But the Complaint is done and we can always file it then.

Not sure if I like this new me....