surrealism is not my style

[ciluzen]

It will happen, Nel. You will get to this stage. I'm still wobbly, though. Just try hard to picture yourself happy. What will it take and how will you make it happen? Instead of drowning in the sadness of being alone, picture it as a vacation alone to do anything you want. Then think of what you could see yourself achieving with no distractions. Focus on yourself in that way. Just change the way you look at being without H.

Just got ANOTHER unexpected call from H. Once again, about nothing,really. But quite nice to talk about nothing.

Partway through the call he told me that he just came back from our vacation home. He had stopped by after skiing to clean it up for our friends who were using it this week for their anniversary "get away". I asked if he had gotten them flowers (he loves to put fresh flowers out) and he had. He then told me he put on the card that they were from both of us. THAT surprised me. The "us" part. I told him how sweet that was and that I thought that was such a nice thing to do. Really, it was.

Good talk. No expectations.

[ciluzen]

So, after having a rather disappointing call from my mom where she wrote a note in a bday card to my H and giddily told me about it (totally not helpful to me but thought she was being so), H called.

He had just left his L's office. He kept apologizing and saying he didn't know why he was calling, just kept talking around things and talking about how we knew each other so well and were familiar, etc, etc. I asked if he felt anything else and he couldn't answer. I said "I get it...you don't care for me that way anymore" and he said he couldn't say that. I told him about how I had a good time this weekend and he said he did too. He just kept saying we were familiar with each other and comfortable. If he needed help with something, he knew he could count on me helping and "getting" him. We just know each other so well. He still says he doesn't know how to feel...or why he was calling. ugghhh.

So, I guess I just shrug this off and go to my divorce care meeting tonight. I didn't beg or lead. I'm sure I wasn't chipper. I did ask him why he did or said things. Why he didn't want to work on things. He really didn't know. He just seemed confused and worried about coming across as a b7st%rd (his word, not mine). At least I know when my mediation date is. He told me. My L has yet to let me know.

[Thornton]

Cil,

I take this as a positive. He's unsure. That's better than being absolutely positive he wants to D, right?

Be the lighthouse. Keep the patio light on and be a woman that only a fool would leave.

Stay off the R talks and just be fun and breezy with him. Show him what he is walking away from.

[ciluzen]

Man, am I ever trying. I shouldn't have said a thing. I should have just validated his feelings about how yucky he felt after dealing with his L.

He says he doesn't want a D but he also says he does. He wants to hash stuff out about our D together before we even mediate. He still says I "left the marriage first". I COULD NOT AGREE with this. I told him I never did, and still haven't, but that I agree I must have made him feel that way, and that I regret that and am sorry. He had said right before that that I must be having more trouble dealing with this than him because I'm still in the (our) house. I said I'm having more trouble dealing with this because it was your decision to leave and I based my life on loving you and spending the rest of our lives together.

So much for no R talk, but it was kind of started by him.

[ciluzen]

So, I was feeling so "detached"...actually feeling good about letting H go for awhile there. Then this weekend...so much positive contact. I still felt ok about being alone, but there was that hopefulness creeping in...

Then my mother had called to say she made a comment in his bday card about hoping he finds what he's looking for in the year ahead...he hadn't received it yet. She was just so proud of herself for writing that. I lost it. I explained that I was trying so hard not to push him by commenting on R or judging anything and here she was doing just that. "Stop trying to fix this. Its not your job and he will feel pushed". I made her feel bad and got myself all upset and emotional and then realized how really not detached I still was. That made me even more upset.

And that was when H called.

The thing that H said that most stands out to me is the comment about how I must be having such a hard time with this because I'm still in the house. It replays over and over in my head. Why? Because it discounts my feelings for him. Its part of his idea that I don't like him and had "left the marriage" a long time ago. If I get out of the house, the only thing that ties us together other than our kids, then I'll realize how I am just stubbornly holding on to a false feeling of love for him.

I know that nothing I say can change this idea. He has convinced him of it over a long time. I can only try to stay away from R and continue to show him kindness. But he seems pretty entrenched.

My Divorce Care meeting last night brought me down even more. I was the only separated person; everyone else had been D for 2-11 years. They were still dealing with it, even though some had gone on to new R or even M. Some were the ones who left and were still having regrets, even though there were horrible, unsafe situations. I will still go for the info and support, but it almost left me hopeless for my own future happiness.

[Thornton]

The unknown is so scary, isn't it?

We become so entrenched in our R's and they provide a sense of comfort and stability. When they end, we are left dangling in the wind. ALL of our routines change, nothing feels safe anymore, and the future appears bleak.

I have the same fears, Cil. I think we all do.

I think you are in a good place in your sitch. IMO, you are ahead of the curve. Let's look at the positives, shall we?

1. You still interact with your H and have opps to validate him.
2. Your H is unsure if he wants to D.
3. Your H does NOT seem happy now that the D has been filed, there's no sense of relief for him.
4. You have a LONG history with H, that's not easy to replace.
5. You are here, working on your marriage. Working on yourself.

^^^that's all really good stuff, Cil.

I don't even have the opportunity to chat with waw. There's nothing that binds us. The house is in my name, both our children are from previous relationships. There's really no reason for us to talk. I WISH I had an opportunity to interact with her.

Flip it in your mind to look at the positives here. And allow yourself to feel good about them.

[NYGal]

Cil, I know how you feel. In my Rebuilding group I'm the one for whom this is most raw. Like Thornton said, you are still DBing and you may turn this around. Keep working on your marriage. Have positive interactions with H. It will keep him guessing. But hold tight to your boundaries, too. Be strong.

[ciluzen]

The unknown is so scary, isn't it?

We become so entrenched in our R's and they provide a sense of comfort and stability. When they end, we are left dangling in the wind. ALL of our routines change, nothing feels safe anymore, and the future appears bleak.

I have the same fears, Cil. I think we all do.

I think you are in a good place in your sitch. IMO, you are ahead of the curve. Let's look at the positives, shall we?

1. You still interact with your H and have opps to validate him.
2. Your H is unsure if he wants to D.
3. Your H does NOT seem happy now that the D has been filed, there's no sense of relief for him.
4. You have a LONG history with H, that's not easy to replace.
5. You are here, working on your marriage. Working on yourself.

^^^that's all really good stuff, Cil.

I don't even have the opportunity to chat with waw. There's nothing that binds us. The house is in my name, both our children are from previous relationships. There's really no reason for us to talk. I WISH I had an opportunity to interact with her.

Flip it in your mind to look at the positives here. And allow yourself to feel good about them.

I see the positives as you outlined them, Thor. They look good on paper, but H is so stubborn about his idea that I didn't like him. He even had a hard time saying we had a good time this weekend, but finally came up with us knowing each other so well and being so familiar and comfortable together.
Isn't that a GOOD thing?

He couldn't explain why he felt the need to call me twice on Sunday or why he called after leaving his L. Like he was confused by his own actions.

I'm such a mess today. I even cried a few times at work which I haven't done (I have missed a few days when really depressed). I don't know why. I was feeling ok, then I guess hope happened and now I feel hopeless again.

I know you say to look at the positives, but I guess I need to get GALing and prepare to get out of my house. I see it needing to be somewhat packed up soon.

[ciluzen]

Cil, I know how you feel. In my Rebuilding group I'm the one for whom this is most raw. Like Thornton said, you are still DBing and you may turn this around. Keep working on your marriage. Have positive interactions with H. It will keep him guessing. But hold tight to your boundaries, too. Be strong.

Thanks for stopping by NYGal. I'm trying to be strong. I can't get past all of the losses; family, friends, house, lifestyle...especially H. Its almost like he doesn't believe he COULD be loved by me, or anyone, for that matter. I'm really having a hard time with why he holds on so strongly to this idea. I will continue to have positive interactions, but it is tearing me up emotionally. I'm tired and only hope I can stay stronger than I feel.

[Thornton]

I know it's tough, Cil.

Your H sounds like he is suffering from depression. The back and forth and confusion are all signs. Possible MLC.

The thing about depression is that you can't fix it. He is the only one that can do anything about it.

You can validate him, though. Allow him to feel understood.

I really do see some positives in your sitch. Many others here are in much worse predicaments. I think you still have a measureable chance at turning things around.

That doesn't mean things might be bumpy for a while but I see your H as someone that's not dead set on leaving you forever.

Hang in there, Cil. Cry it out if you have to.