Pink's Journey - A New Horizon

[Pink17]

Hi RD,

Thanks for your kind words. I will do my best and try to see the positive in all of this.

Also, I noticed that if it is a big deal for me then it should be because I need to disconnect/detach from it all. I need to let go and don't even think much about this.

Maybe time to re read DB and DR.

It is probably because I am not having a life as I tough I did. I need to get busy with myself and do things that will take my attention from this nightmare.

Had a busy working day. I am tired, so it will help to get a good sleep today.

Take care RD,
Pink

[Vanilla]

Pink

I understand this, if it was me then I too would want to protect myself from someone who had hurt me.

I am still cautious on your behalf, xWH has not shown much direct regret towards you. Who knows if he has made his peace with his God, it is possible he has. It is also possible he is self soothing with his religion.

It is not for us to judge or consider it.

Also it's ok not to forgive, to hold that back until you get a direct request. If xWH is still in your heart then be cautious.

If it were V then I would see where this church on Tuesday goes, remember XWH church is not him, he has to seek atonement. It can be your choice to say thank you for the opportunity and this was pleasant to come to this beautiful church with these kind church goers, it changes nothing for me. It is also ok to go at your pace and when you want to, whether it's friendship, co parenting or embryonic piecing. You can say I am not ready for this. Go once more at least. Then rest it for a week until you see how it feels not to go.

You are struggling with your desire to run and hide, this is your struggle, to face what is and then decide. If you want to be with XWH then decide coolly when your need to run has gone, this fear is impeding you making a cool decision.

In the end it is the LBS who decides. Decide what you truly want in your heart then work to that.

In my book it is good to protect yourself.

Pink know this, purple is a combination of deep pink and blue. It is a symbol of your struggle, go buy a garment in purple and wear it. Wear it as a symbol of letting go of the need to run.

If you are Pink and XWH is blue do the two of you meld to purple?

Decide what you want and how far you can go with this church interaction.

I would be very cautious too. Your higher spirit will guide you to an answer and it's detaching if it's ok yes and ok no.

All of the moves other than getting yourself to a place where yes could be an answer are all of his.

On this board, successful repair of an R is one of many goals, it is not the only one.

You were once in the place that Red finds herself and that hurt and pain is not easily overcome.

I understand

V

[Vanilla]

Oh and time away anywhere may give you space to think and consider your other choices.

This does not make you wayward, it was your XWH who was wayward.

Give your self space and time

V

[Rednail]

Pink, I have no advice but a big hug and love. I try to always read up and catch up on your situation. It is hard. I just want you to know I'm here for you while you are here for me.

[Pink17]

Hi friends,

I think everyone here is seeing it better then myself. I guess my fear and my childhood traumas are getting the best of me.

After the whole church stuff. I interact with XH on wed evening. He was all happy, big smile and he was very nice about the college discussion. Not so radical anymore.

Then I saw him on Thursday. Big coincidence that we got there at the same time. We hugged, talked in a very pleasant way. He told me some stuff about his work (as usual), asked me about my work. All fine.

Then Saturday I made myself unavailable, morning and afternoon.

Today, I really needed to decide about the taxes and sent him a text about the house tax and bank tax. And that I was sorry to rush him but I need the taxed done asap since I need to get S18 college papers in.

He answered about the taxes and that he wants to break it into 50/50 and then write this paragraph:

- In the big picture, the difference probably won't save me from bankruptcy.

Then I wrote this:
- It's done. 50/50. And I am very sorry we are going through all this. I am also very sorry I ever got into your life just to make a huge mess. Believe me, if I could I would just off our lives and you wouldn't have all this pain.

Got this:
- Please don't say that you got my life into a mess. You and our kids are the best part of my life. I know what I have done to cause all of this. I am truly sorry... more then you may ever know or understand. We are still here and making it through the difficult times. God still has a purpose for us - I am certain.

The last back and forth text were about him helping to get things done for S18 college and logistics. He will be coming to the house tomorrow.

It's hard to believe but it may be possible that he is thinking about his family, his life with me and the kids. It still feels a little surreal to me and I think it is because I fear rejection so much that it is actually easy to just think that he won't look back ever.

S21 also told me that he had a long talk with him. Apologized for being so inconsiderate, arrogant, jerk, blind and death for so long and for causing so much pain with his absurd behavior. That he is seeing things a lot clearer now and he is working on changing himself.

That he knows he still have a lot more work to do but he feels hopeful that he can change and be a better person.

S21 told me that he is also starting believing that his dad is really serious about what he is saying because he is being more consistent in his behavior.

I need to be honest to say that it is incredible hard to be patient, not have any expectations. It is very hard to know what to do since now he is nice but still distant. I feel insecure because I do not want to do any stupid and make him run away, or I don't want to disappear and be all unavailable.

It is basically what many people say. That it is harder work to get together then it is to just pure DBing.

There is also a lot of pain around us all in our family.

***
In another note, I want you guys laugh a little bit.
S21 said that it is funny to see that his mom and dad are on the "Porcupine Stage" know as the "Hedgehog's dilemma". He explained me that there is a story about the porcupine wanting to get warm and getting too close to each other and then hurting each other badly. Then once hurt, they would distance themselves. After some time they would start approaching again and have a lot of fear because they knew they could still hurt each other, even tough they have an intense desire to get closer.

I was just...Woooow! My kids really pay attention. They are just amazing kids. Love it.

***
V, XH's pastor has some class this Tuesday and they are not having their service. Instead, XH is coming to the house to help with the scholarship letters. We will see what happens then. Shouldn't be much since we have a lot of work to do. The good thing is that during these 19 years XH and I can talk with our eyes a lot. I will let you know.

About the issue in my childhood, I am having the opportunity to work on that with my Divorce support group, as a "Mask" that I have been wearing for a long, long time. Life feels like a puzzle right now, all the pieces kind go together lately.

The therapist in charge told me to write an apology letter as my father and as my mother writing to me. I have a friend that will check on my work progress during the week and once the work is complete we will take off that mask in class sharing with all other members.

I am planning to wear purple. If possible, the same ton of purple. So to treat myself, face my demons and clean my wounds as much as I can. Let it go for good, so I can feel better and be better.

I am learning. Believe me I pay attention in every single word you guys write to me. You are brilliant.


Love,
Pink

[NYGal]

Hey Pink, keep it business like on Tuesday. No R talk. Say it all with those lovely eyes of yours!

[Zephyr]

Hey pink,
The notes back and forth when you were desribing possible tax collaboration, That sounded like a pretty real and deep interaction... for your sanity i hope it was authentic.

Your patience has been brilliant!

[Sotto]

Hey Pink, from what you post, I see you as a bit of an all or nothing girl with heart on your sleeve. I think the positive interactions with XH are great - as long as - you protect your own heart in all of this.

I think it is fine to open the door to XH a little - and to do so with a very realistic perspective of what MLC is, the journey MLCers take and your own boundaries.

All I would aim for at this point (perhaps for many months) is a little more contact and 'friends.' I wouldn't commit my heart or be thinking about possible R. I don't think it is time for that just yet. But I think it is fine to open a little more of yourself to your XH and protect the rest. You are D, you are your own person with your own life and you may allow XH a little more space in it - but I think you need to see what happens over a period of time before you decide to offer anything further...

So - a little more open and proceed with caution - friends and no romance - would be my advice Sweetie and good luck xx

[Pink17]

Thanks NYGal, Zephyr and Sotto,

Just a quick update because I have a lot to do today. Really overwhelmed at work and home.

I did just like you guys said, business like, w/a little distance.

The thing is that w/XH it's not so easy do not talk about R. He is the one that brings up the subject. I then tried to just a little out of it and just listen.

He apologized for not being so involved in the college process and started telling me his work challenges and that he is now just trying to keep his job and not be fired because things are really crazy.

Then said that he is having his sales meeting but it is just his territory and not the whole company meeting. That no one from outside is here. That he is not with anybody for a long time and that I need to believe him.

I said that it is OK him telling me this but it is really none of my business about his private life and that he can do whatever he wants. He then said that he is alone and does not have that woman in his life for a long time and has no one. That he is taking the time to work on himself because he is not blind anymore and he wants to become a better person.

He said that he knows what he did and that he regrets most of it and in the same time he thinks it was the worse thing that happen to him but yet the best thing because he could see that he was so wrong the way he did things before.

XH started talking about his faith and how it is helping him to see what really have value in life. That he needs to purify his heart and be humble to face what he did. Then spoke about his church and how much those people just loved me.

I told him that it is kind of awkward to go back there because I do not want to feel like I am putting my nose into his life. He just look at me and said that I won't be doing this. That he gave me all the info because he thinks that there is a purpose for what is happening.

I just left it there. He then told me that he bought a bible and is now finally reading it, that he is finally accepting God in his life and he feels better every day. He even read a passage to me. I looked at him and asked: "Are you really doing this?"
He said that he is because he thinks that it is the only way to make things right. I told him I am so proud of him for doing all this work. And he said with a smile that he knows I am proud of him.

It's kind of funny that he always sit very close to me. He does not avoid me in any way. He looks at me, right into my eyes.

We talked about other things like kids, S18 and college, our dog, food.

Then S18 came and we did a lot of paperwork done. It was really enjoyable. We worked hard but we laughed a lot. Had a lot of fun answering questions.

I started dinner and they were working at the dinner table. S21 and S15 joined the crew and it was really, really enjoyable. I was kind of quite. XH would walk around me trying to bring me to the convo he was having with the kids.

A bitter/sweet feeling...WE WERE A FAMILY!!! at that moment in time.

I chose do not sit and have dinner with them. A went to do some other thing on my own. He had his time with the boys. When I was back in the kitchen he was around me trying to read me. Guessing what was going on with me.

I started marinating some chicken for today and he said he needed to go, that he still had to drive a half an hour. He apologized for not being able to help more. That he is very thankful I let him to be part of this process.

He says this like he needs my permission for everything. Like he is looking for my approval.

And that is were I probably messed up. I am not mad with myself because I am human, and the emotions are very high having my family altogether and having fun.

I looked at XH and said:

Me - "You do need to leave, you choose to leave. We did not asked you to go XH, it is your chose to go because you do not want us, you do not want this in your life anymore."

XH - "Please, Cira don't talk like this. It is not fair."

Me - "Yes I do. I do talk like this because this is the way I feel about it. We did not ask you to go."

Then we hugged and said good night. Then he comes back looking for his mail and says goodbye again, another hug. Then he comes back looking for his neck warmer, and another hug and another good bye.

So I figure he wanted me to walk him to the door. I did go there and my wet dog is just standing there, looking like he would break in tears. I told him I wish he has a nice meeting these next few days and that I knew everything would be OK because he is an excellent professional and knows his stuff.

That I believe in him and his potential. He said he knows it now that I care. I did not hug him again and I felt he was waiting for it. But I did not, I just said that I would do some more papers and then go to sleep because I too would have a busy next day and said good night XH.

It's a lot to digest. It is really hard to see a person you love to do all this. It would be a lot easier and justified if he was mean to me. But he is not, he treats me like a princess, like a delicate crystal. It hurts and yet I need to put a face like it doesn't bother me.

I know XH is attracted to me physically, that he needs me emotionally, that he admire my character. But I also know that he is choosing to be away from me right now and that he may never come back. So it is like walking in "Hell".

I treated him well, with respect and kindness. Funny thing, I asked if anyone would like some broccoli since I was making salmon and he said he would like. The at dinner I heard when he said that "I guess I can eat the whole broccoli because your mom made it for me".

He is a teenager looking for his path. I can see that he is still in some confusion. I can see that he would benefit from some counseling but I do not pressure him in any way. He needs to do his thing. But I also fear that he may fall for someone else. Yes, I fear. How not to?

I also think that I need to work on myself to detach. I am not detached. I still give XH a lot of room in my brain. I still hope that he will come back. I do not live my life for what it is, being a D woman. I have expectations, anger, resentment, pain and I am letting my emotions to play with my actions, my thinking. I have physical pain because I am letting it all play me big time. I need to back off and regain control over my feelings.

It's being hard for me to let go, and I know I must. I feel he loves me, but he is choosing not to love me anymore and I need to accept that he may never decide to love me again.

He does not say any clear words, his moves are mixed up. He gets close and then it is like the police is right there and he realizes he will be in trouble. He looks at me with passion and then looks at the floor to avoid my eyes. He is sorry and ashamed for what he did and is always looking for my understanding.

He is always explaining what he is working on himself, saying that there is no one in his life. But yet he does not want me either.

I have nothing to do right now besides go through the motions of so much work to get ready for graduation, college, moving my kid to college dorms, S21 and still some tests, S15 and football fundraisers for the Florida trip. It's a lot to focus so I won't be available. In this way it is easier to be patient.

I am just too busy and need to leave it to "time to resolve it all".

From the bottom of my heart I can only say that it hurts. I know what I want, but it is not about me wanting it. I know what I love, but it is not about me loving it. It's hard to be in the open and vulnerable, but I can't walk in another direction either. I am not even sure that I have what it takes to just be patient and endure this time in our lives and hope it will be OK.

I was a little distant yesterday and he noticed. I know he wanted to hug me but I kept my physical distance too. XH and I were never upset with each other for too long. We never had real fights were people have grudges against each other. So for us it is almost like natural to just be back into each other arms.

But it is not the same anymore and I do not want to have false hopes either.

At some point doing the papers, he said that I was tired. I said that sometimes I feel like I just want to let go on everything and just leave, go somewhere and don't look back. He then explained to me that this is the way he felt, but that it is not the answer because it does not make things easier, by the contrary, that you just make the problem bigger.

He said that then you do things to regret later and the pain is way harder then it was before. That going away is a false believe of resolving issues.

Yeah, my kitten MLCer explained to me how the MLC effect is a big ball of pain.

Well, I don't know where it will all goes. Sometimes I have hope that at some point he will want to come back home. Sometimes I feel like he is waiting for me to tell him to come back home. Other times I feel that he is still does not want to come back home. In resume, I know nothing.

But I can't also just let go right now. I don't feel ready to let go on this. It's the most different situation for me, in my life. I was never so attached to anything or anybody in my entire life, but I just can't let go on him, not right now.

It's yet another episode, we will see where life will take us.

Hope everyone is having a great day.
Pink

[job]

Pink,
Your xh is trying to find the path to lead him back to you. I'm going to post a thread that might help you better understand the reconnection process. Please ask questions. Okay? The information was posted a long time ago, but it is still useful.

TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection (new)