It is so hard being her friend sometimes. I hope I'm doing the right thing.
W was acting weird & moody again this morning. She was home when I came home at lunch and acting weird again, possibly avoiding her office. Headphones in all day until tonight & smoking a lot. She met with her friend today too, she is always different after being with her. She was telling me about her friends apt., it sounds like it's been decorated by a teenager with money that's into horror movies, very dark, no wonder it's not kid friendly!
Tonight she said she had time for the finances, she split things up like she said before giving me the mortgage and that she doesn't want child support. then she went right into talking about custody. She acts like its no big deal and the kids will be fine with it. She also said idk why you think you'll only get to see them half the time or only half the weekends, we can do different scheduling... So I take that as she wants weekends free.
I got really upset so I didn't say anything except I had a bad day and couldn't do this now and was going to bed. At least I knew better than to say anything but I feel awful.
I think I screwed up inviting her along this weekend. Maybe I should've kept it me and the kids. Idk.
I'm sorry she's still acting strange, but that's MLC. She's hanging w/people who are acting like "teenagers". The "dark" setting is something a lot of the kids were into a while back and I guess they still are now. Goth looks to me are depressing, but it's the thing w/the younger set.
Sounds like she wants her weekends free to party and do fun things. If and when a schedule is set, the visitation times should be pretty much firm unless there is an emergency, etc. If it becomes a free wheeling schedule, she'll probably jerk you all around and you will end up w/the kids a large majority of the time.
I think you did the right thing by exiting the room if you were upset...but at some point, you will need to figure out what you need to do about your situation, if she continues to push/file for divorce.
I don't think you screwed up inviting her along this weekend. Who knows, she may not go. It's still early in the week and things do change. I do hope things settle down for you and you can focus on you and your children.
BTW, have you spoken to a lawyer yet? You know it might not be a bad idea to speak to one to see what your legal rights are just in case this thing blows up.
Keep the focus on you. Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't think we can screw up I think it helps to be validating and kind but wither way most of these MLCers are on a preset track, some for disaster..at least for a while some do seem to come back around over time..some still seem strange after many years..some never snap out
You sound like you are doing very well given the situation and most importantly you will learn and grow and create a better life for yourself It happens for the LBS It seems like they get to have all the fun for a while, but the tables do turn for many over time
Hang In
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Funny you say that bttrfly, my counselor told me the same thing last week. It's something I really need to work on.
I figured she would go back in her hole, it was nice to see a little of her over a few days. I feel like I lose any progress I've made with her after she goes and hangs out with her friend. I can't remember if I mentioned it before but her friend's h died before her and w met and she is depressed too. She wants a friend to run around and w joins right up. The one time she stopped to pick w up I felt like I was sending my teen out with her friend.
Scheduling might be difficult because we both have to travel. I might have to tell my boss I'm only available every other week but that's not ideal when I moved states to open another office by myself. IDK what I'm going to do this summer when school is out.
I know you're right about the time. Just like last week, today she didn't pick the kids up when she said she would so the kids had to spend after school at my office. She texted and said she was on her way but I told her to wait as it would be time to leave when she got there anyway. On my way home I got another that she was going to her boss's house real quick and she was gone 2.5 hours.
Tonight I found out she packed almost all her clothes sometime today. They are piled up in plastic bags in her room! I've been upset the last couple days and I shouldn't have said anything but I told her to quit letting me walk into surprises and that I had feelings and to start acting like it. That was it but I should've kept my mouth shut.
She was mad this morning just before I left, I think because I didn't say anything to her after saying bye to the kids because she was getting ready in her room with the door shut. She ran after me to ask if I was picking the kids up from school, then I heard doors slamming downstairs on my way out. I wonder if this had something to do with her packing up stuff today.
She seems determined about D. I don't want to put any effort into something I don't want but I don't want her to be the ringmaster either. I called an attorney today and am going to get in next week.
This is her pms time so I'm hoping things quiet down a little in the next couple days. Her condition makes it a lot worse. From what I read it can be more painful than childbirth and can spread to other parts of the body too. She's been living like that for about 2-3 years and was finally working to schedule a surgery right when MLC came out. Strangely it seems to have gotten better since MLC has been in effect, unless she's just not showing it to me.
I typed incorrectly in my last post about inviting her. I was referring to last weekend when she went with me and the kids. D has another bday party this weekend but I might let w take her this time. Hopefully the weather will be nice and I can get out with the kids.
I need to try remember what and who (or not who) I'm dealing with and continue validating and being nice, I forget she is looking for the opposite from me as her parents.
Well things just keep getting more bizarre. She was mad about me not saying bye yesterday and it was a stupid PA thing for me to do. I found an email from her yesterday. It basically told me my faults again and she threatened to give me less custody time and how she was mad we didn't finish talking about the night before. Her letters always make me feel terrible. I sent a text telling her I have been emotional and it wasn't a good time and we could talk later.
Well now for the surprise, she sent me a reply telling me how she knows I'm not always happy with my job and that last night her boss offered her a job in another city (a s@%!hole mining town in the middle of nowhere with nothing around)and she wants to move! This is the office where the OM works! And I found out she is still in contact, not that I'm surprised. So I'm now supposed to quit my job so she can move to a crappy town where she can work with OM! I had a good job offer there a few years ago and we decided against it because it is a craphole. Pure craziness! She is going to give me a heart attack.
Ended up on the phone half the afternoon, hot and cold conversation that ended okay but some of my DB practice went out the window. IDK what to do about her, this is just unbelievable.
And another stupid thing I did. She was mad at me for not reading the books she is trying to give me. I told her I wasn't going to put effort into something I didn't want. I asked why I would do that for her when she won't even lift a finger to try to do anything for me. I told her the only way I would read it is if she read a book about relationship repair. She said okay. I feel so stupid for this, I'm probably hurting myself more.
Ok, well MLCers have a lot of ideas as you are now hearing. That sounds like a keeper: go to the town out of Deliverance, where OM lives and have a MLC there.
So we can't control what our spouses will do. We can't control their MLC nor can we fix it. They all scramble for band aids. And yes, some of them do run their mouths. One option is to say very little but listen, nod and learn a lot. My h ran his mouth and boy did I get schooled in MLC. I learned to practice a high level of detachment and letting go, too.
We can still be kind to them but less "involved" while making ourselves and our kids the primary focus. Otherwise this tornado will overtake every part of our lives.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Ok, well MLCers have a lot of ideas as you are now hearing. That sounds like a keeper: go to the town out of Deliverance, where OM lives and have a MLC there.
At least there are trees in that town. This one is nothing but holes in the ground and wind. A very depressing place, literally nothing to do without driving 2 hours. I'm still in awe about this.
Originally Posted By: HaWho
I learned to practice a high level of detachment and letting go, too.
I realized this week what I felt as detachment was probably part denial. I let her hurt me pretty bad yesterday.
Yesterday w told me again that she wanted to go to my next IC appointment. I told her no, it was my place to go talk and work on myself. I don't need to hear everything again, and I know she will turn if she gets any criticism.
W texted me this morning and told me she made an appointment with a counselor to go on her own. I told her I was happy for her, which I truly am; she needs it. This was followed by multiple texts telling me how her feelings haven't changed and how she was only going so she could better explain her herself to me and make the process easier for the kids. Maybe a few truth darts from yesterday stuck.
The MLCer does not want the LBS to get their hopes up..many of them seem set on their track it just takes them a long time..time is good though because some will also turn around over time
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
