Staying the Course Pt. II

[HopeRB]

Starting a new thread. Here's the first:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2654872&page=1


In a nutshell, H left 7 months ago, and then told me about his A. We attempted what I thought was reconciliation, thought he was coming home and then told he wasn't and wants a D. We're both 31, no children. I'm trying my hardest to DB and 180 but keep having setbacks any little progress. But I will not give up hope. I love my H with all of my heart. I want to put all of this behind us and reconcile and rebuild our marriage.

I've learned to be patient and work on myself b/c that's all I have control over. I've made a lot of mistakes and I don't want to be that person again.

[broke]

Hope,

I read your last post before you had to switch threads. I was also played for a fool. I helped this woman, she knows my family, has visited our house, met my sons. I feel betrayed by both of them. It makes me so sad that you are going through something similar to me because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It is truly awful and I am sorry that you don't have as much support as you need right now. I only hope that having everyone on this board is as helpful to you as it is to me. And, I will be here to offer my assistance anytime. (even with the caveat I could be very wrong since I am making mistakes all the time :-) You seem very caring and I hope your spouse sees what a mistake it was to leave without trying! To me, that is harder to forgive than the cheating.

[ciluzen]

"Ciluzen - what is your theory about running into your H on the weekends? That's interesting...."

My H has told me and others that he gets up, goes to work (staff report that he is same cheerful easy-going guy to clients), goes home to his little apartment (almost no furnishings) at night, eats microwaved burritos or canned soup, listens to the radio or watches one of the three channels he gets on his TV (still hasn't gotten a tv package), and then goes to bed. On weekends, he skis, goes to our vacation home to watch tv (our other satellite receiver is there) and putter around (its a large multi-bedroom waterfront house...lots to do). In the summer I'm sure it will be the same, but he'll be out in the boat instead of skiing. When he skis he sometimes has company of friends and will have that in the summer (large get togethers a few times) , as well, but not often as most of our friends (I forgot...HIS friends) have kids in multiple sports. It is actually a rather lonely life most of the time. A few times he's mentioned thinking of asking me to dinner. Or a movie. He hasn't though. Just the impromptu "ski dates"

I see him when I'm skiing and he makes it a point to "date" me. Fun things are more fun with others. Food is more fun with others. And I'm familiar. But he doesn't HAVE to...he controls the situation and can leave me when he wants. For me, I get to show him only positive interactions and my 180s and leave him with that to think about.

As for this summer,...I may be D or in the thick of mediation. But I will be busy. Very BUSY. We'll see what happens. But I've decided to move on and not worry about him so much. I'm feeling the tiniest bit of detachment...finally. My door is still cracked open, but I will be VERY. VERY. BUSY.

[ciluzen]

Hit submit before I summarized. Sorry. My theory is...I'm a person that is familiar and is a break from his self imposed loneliness. There is also a bit of guilt and a bit of, "see? I can still be a nice guy even if I don't like you anymore." He knows how I feel about him...I told him multiple times. He knows I would be ok with his company if he was in need of company. It changes nothing, really.

[HopeRB]

Glad to hear you're able to almost fully detach and be so calm when you do run into H. I would be so annoyed or rather am annoyed when I head about H hanging with "our" friends without me.

Also, I'm interested in hearing what you guys think about what I wrote in my last thread about my struggle trying to experience and acknowledge my H's perspective. Has anyone else ever come across these feelings? How do you deal with them? Did you overcome them?

[HopeRB]

I'm also discouraged and sad that I don't have alot of contact with H for him to see my 180. He has no clue that I've changed so much.

[Thornton]

I'm in the same boat. NC for the last month. Its hard not to panic.

[ciluzen]

Zues gave me an assignment awhile back on my thread. I thought I was getting somewhere with trying to understand my H's point of view by thinking of everything he ever told me, comments he made, any clue to why he was unhappy enough to leave. But when I really dug deep to do the assignment, I could actually feel his pain. It floored me and almost made me lose all hope in any chance in R. That's how bad it felt to realize my part in hurting the man I loved.

But then I also realized a bit later that it wasn't ALL my fault that he felt this way. He assumed the reasons for my actions without ever discussing how he felt. Or clarifying how I felt. Then he acted inappropriately, crossing marital boundaries, in retaliation and punishment for what he assumed were purposeful behaviors on my part. And then he filed for D. This then brought enough anger up to help me to detach.

I can't control him and trying to leads to pain and disappointment. I can only detach, while staying positive and focusing on my Ds and myself; taking care of me and being a great mom again.

[HopeRB]

Ciluzen, that's really great that you were able to do that kind of soul searching while allowing yourself to feel what he felt. I've been doing this more and more and when I start to get really down to it, it hurts so much. And yes, I can actually feel myself feeling the same pain he feels. I'm still trying to dig deep down and I agree, it's already enough to make me feel why would he even want to come back to that?! But it also highlights what I need to work on. So I'm left confused and again like you, makes me loose hope for any chance of R, especially since I'm doing this all on my own hope to begin with. When I think back on the things I've done and the baggage I've carried into this M, I'm surprised he put up with as much as he did. I messes up a good thing.

Now I know what everyone will say: I know it's not all my fault either and that H chose to take actions without clarifying/working through these things with me too. Actually H tried in his own way, but I just dismissed him. I'm such a fool for that. I can only hope that in my next R (with or without H), I do not react this way when a concern is brought up. Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel. I'm just focusing on the one thing I can control, myself.

[broke]

HopeRB,

I could've written your post above. It is so hard to look back and see all the mistakes I've made. It is so difficult not to have the chance to learn from those mistakes and reconcile. It is truly heartbreaking. But you have the right attitude - focus on the one thing you can control: yourself. That is exactly where I am at. It is the only thing we can do. Looking at the past mistakes and the future without our H is too difficult. We have to stay in the present and work on ourselves. Hopefully, learning and making ourselves the best we can be will make all of this heartbreak worth it. Wherever we land in the future.